The Commute
A comedy article
by no_key_bandit  76,490  10
01/28/2004 06:07 PM 267 views
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I live just outside of Birmingham, Alabama. For the benefit of those who have never visited here, Birmingham is a unique blend of modern twenty-first century technology intermixed with dirt roads, trailers and people who believe that professional wrestling is a real, sanctioned sporting event.
There are two ways into town for me. Way number one is hopping on the interstate and driving until I get to the office park. Way number two involves turning off the paved road. Way number two is quicker and almost traffic free. I usually take this way if the weather is dry. However, thanks to three days of rain, two of the non-paved roads that are included in this route are covered with a few inches of water. Drainage in some places includes the phrase, "wait about a week for the sun to dry it up." This means that I HAVE to take the interstate.
Under good driving conditions the interstate isn't a bad thing. Unfortunately, I have only seen good driving conditions at about 2 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday night. People here are morons. Plain and simple. I could go into details about cell phones, shaving, makeup application, and of course animal husbandry, but I'm sure we've all seen this. The thing that really gets my goat (notice the clever "animal husbandry" pun here) is that most people are OK drivers if the weather is sunny and dry. As soon as there is a single drop of moisture anywhere in the state, commuters randomly slam on their brakes and swerve wildly.
There are many kinds of vehicles on the road. The scariest ones are SUVs with the soccer-ball with a child's name in it sticker and the little fish-symbol emblazoned on the back window. What do these symbols mean? The soccer-ball with the child's name in it means the driver has just finished work and is racing across town to pick up the child from soccer practice and the fish symbol means that the driver is a devout Christian, is not afraid to die and will gladly take you with her.
Anyway, the commute normally takes about 45 minutes. Today, thanks to the rain, it took an hour and half. No one was driving really crazy, just extra slow. This was good and bad news. The good news, I made it to work alive. The bad news, I drank a cup of coffee and ate a bran muffin prior to leaving the house.
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Hilarious
23 votes
4.9
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4 Comments on "The Commute"
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0 votes
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Fratberry 282,615  53
02/25/2004 10:12 PM
the fish symbol means that the driver is a devout Christian, is not afraid to die and will gladly take you with her.
One of my favorite lines, ever. Good article. I never figured you for somebody from Leeds.
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0 votes
0.0
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Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/25/2004 11:17 PM
I also liked the line Fratberry referred to. (It reminds me of Scott Adams' brilliant plan for an express airline security line where, instead of going through security, you just have to curse important religious symbols from every major world religion).
But you got my click for using the phrase "animal husbandry."
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