How to Covertly Purchase Sex Lube
A comedy article
by R80o  1,181  9
04/03/2006 09:30 PM 1069 views
|
|
My daughter, wife, and I went out to Wal-Mart recently, shopping for the essentials: soap, shampoo, toilet paper, aspirin, and lube. After a half-hour of shopping, we found everything on our list except for the personal lubricant. My wife and I scoured the pharmacy aisles in search of it, but came up empty. As you can imagine, neither of us had the courage to go up to the customer service counter and ask them, "Where do you keep the joy jelly?" So we abandoned our effort.
Later that day we had to go out again, this time to the local K-Mart. As I was passing by the pharmacy aisle, I broke off from our little troop and started "reconning" for the lubricant. I soon found the spermicide and the condoms, so I knew I was in the right place. And then I saw it. There on the shelf it sat, my grail. Actually it was a box, a box small enough for me to palm in my hand. I looked at it, I looked past it. I walked up the aisle like I was browsing for Q-Tips. Then I walked back down the aisle and grabbed it. The reach for, and the subsequent grasp of that product was such an artistic display of sleight-of-hand that even David Copperfield would've gone "Whaaaa??? How'd he do that!?!?"
With the goal in hand (so to speak), I caught up with my wife and daughter, all the while carefully palming the little box so I was able to keep it out of sight from my daughter, other shoppers, K-Mart personnel, and God.
Of course, this is where the story gets blogworthy.
We live only a mile or two from the Big K, and shop there often -- as do our friends, co-workers, neighbors, my daughter's teachers, waiters and waitresses at various restaurants we frequent, our bank teller, and the town mayor. Everyone shops there. YOU probably shop there. Needless to say, I'm in stealth mode when I give a quick wink and tell my wife, "Mission accomplished."
It's a Saturday, early afternoon, and K-Mart is crowded. People are lined up five deep in each checkout line. The three of us are standing in line, and when my kid asks if she can buy a pack of Skittles, I agree. She could've had a case of Skittles, as long as it would not draw attention to my purchase.
Finally, we're at the cashier. She starts ringing up our various items. She slides the notebook paper over the scanner, ping, then the Doritos, ping, then the 12 pack of Coke, ping, the instant grits, ping, the Skittles, ping, then the small box ...
No ping. Nothing.
She slides the box over the scanner again, still no ping. The cashier then breaks out into this wild arm flailing product-to-scanner shuffle slide in search of the missing ping. Now, Leslie whisks my daughter away to the car, shielding her eyes from the horror. I'm alone in the checkout line that is now seven deep and counting, waiting while the skilled K-mart cashier tirelessly tries to ring up my wretched little box of perv. OK, it's only lube, but the lady behind me is looking at me as if I'm going to try and sex up her cat. Sweat is dripping from my face.
Finally a light goes off in the cashier's head, she breaks down and enters the UPC numbers manually into the cash register. Still no Frost-ing ping! She re-enters the numbers. NO PING!!! She calls over the manager, hands the box over to said manager who then proceeds to go through the wild-shuffle, UPC number entry routine. Still no ping. For some reason this item is not in the store's computer. The manager calls over to the pharmacy, asking the pharmacy clerk to give her a price on the item's UPC code. Apparently, the pharmacy clerk is in on this little conspiracy because she asks the manager for the NAME of the product.
"Doctor Love's Root Beer Flavored Jam Jelly," says the manager. (I don't recall the exact name.)
"Doctor Love's Root Beer Flavored Jam Jelly?" the pharmacist repeats.
"Yes, Doctor Love's Root Beer Flavored Jam Jelly," says the manager, taking care to emphasize each syllable for the benefit of those at neighboring registers.
"Please hold."
So now the manager is on hold, looking at me all slyly like "Yeah, I'd do ya." The lady behind me is horrified, the teenager behind her is snickering like Beavis, and the rest of line is looking at me like I'm holding up their heart transplant. Vomi-Nervousa!
Finally, said clerk gives the manager the proper UPC code. The manager overrides the cash register and inputs the price. She apologizes for the delay and explains that the box has a 20 cents off offer on it, and that the computer didn't recognize the cost difference.
"I went through all that for 20 CENTS?!?" I wanted to scream, but of course I paid for my purchase, and picked up my bags humiliated. But just as I was about to walk away, I looked at the cat lady, half-smiled, and confidently said, "It'll be worth every penny."
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
145 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=874437
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hilarious
4 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881598
TableTopJane 173,958  15
03/02/2004 07:22 PM
None of this would have happened if you were just able to get your wife aroused.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881606
Somewhat Hot....Dward is the Man with the Plan 220 9
03/02/2004 08:11 PM
I have to say....It was a formulatic (is that a word) article, Though it was funny....But the thing that i think earned you a Click is the "I'd Do ya" Manager.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881611
austinsurge 0 9
03/02/2004 08:22 PM
You had me from "Doctor Love's Root Beer Flavored Jam Jelly".
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881637
Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
03/02/2004 08:52 PM
Now we all know that your wife's snatch is dryer than the Sierra. Maybe you two should watch lesbian porn together. Every woman I've ever known gets squishy while watching lesbian porn. Mmmmm, lesbian porn.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881646
Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
03/02/2004 09:00 PM
This is a company that has pulled semi-suggestive magazines off the racks-- there's no way in hell they're going to carry lube.
I'm pretty sure you can pickup a Cosmo and KY at the local Walmart here in Wisconsin. I prefer Hustler and Vaseline Intensive Care (with Cocoa Butter) Lotion myself, but whatever floats your boat and finds the lost remote, I always say.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881758
Nerd in a Stuka 27,000 12
03/02/2004 11:30 PM
Like TTJ says, it's not hard at all to get the women to where they don't need lube.
Amateurs.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881764
Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
03/02/2004 11:32 PM
Cut him some slack. Maybe he needs the lube because he's putting it in her bumhole.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881774
Adrian, Trae's love clown. 13,341 13
03/02/2004 11:41 PM
Amateur.....just wait til you have to explain to your daughtre why your ballons are ribbed and lubricated....
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881778
Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
03/02/2004 11:43 PM
Does your daughter enjoy it more when you use the ribbed ones?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881780
Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
03/02/2004 11:44 PM
I'm sorry, that was uncalled for.
|
| |
|
|
|
Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881789
Adrian, Trae's love clown. 13,341 13
03/03/2004 12:03 AM
heheheh, how the hell could I fail to see I was setting myself up for that one...
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881790
Punkin-zirra 3,585 11
03/03/2004 12:26 AM
Have you tried foreplay? It's a brand new controversial idea, but perhaps you should give it a shot.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881948
Sexual Harassment Panda 181,718 70
03/03/2004 10:32 AM
This happened to me once. Only it wasn't lube, it was peanuts. And it wasn't embarassing. Nevermind.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881949
TableTopJane 173,958 15
03/03/2004 10:34 AM
Lloyd, you're going to hell. But I have a feeling you'll be getting lots of clicks in other threads for that one.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=881952
Frou Frou Secsi Dragon Lady 156,785 17
03/03/2004 10:43 AM
Seriously, maybe he was gonna give his wife some jail house lovin'
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=883748
R80o 1,181 9
03/04/2004 09:02 PM
After two hours, my wife Mojave, said that I had two options: a.) lube, or b.) a fire extinguisher.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=883843
Pubah, Buzz Killa 56,794 18
03/04/2004 11:29 PM
Proper Foreplay will make her like snail.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=884878
Arghh, me matey! 5 9
03/06/2004 01:01 PM
Well, I came for the "joy jelly" but stayed for the "Vomi-Nervousa!"
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=887416
MultipleSifl 0 9
03/09/2004 04:07 PM
That would be like encouraging you to toss your wife down in the aisle right there in the store.
I think store occupancy would increase 10 fold if this happend on a daily basis. I know I'd be there.
|
| |
|
|
|
Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=894152
Phuc 237,915 21
03/19/2004 09:24 AM
John, his now-wife Jade, and I used to work at Bread n' Circus in Cambridge, MA. More so than any other branch of the franchise, the Cambridge store attracted a real freak parade (and a host of celebrities, from Mary Lou Lord and Tracy Chapman to Joe Perry and that guy from The Warriors who bangs the bottles together and says "Warriors, come out to play-yay!").
So one day this regular comes in--an elderly woman, probably a wiccan vegan or some stupid Shakespeare like that--and in her order is a box of tea with no price on it. The lady goes to Jade's line (she was cashiering at the time) and when the box of tea comes up (there was no scanning yet--sorry for all the parentheticals), she grabs the phone and announces to the entire store, "I need a price check on Smooth Move tea."
Heh heh. Poopie.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=894364
Tacowaffle 13 9
03/19/2004 01:36 PM
I had the same thing happen once but the difference was that it was a private internet business and when I purchased the lube it was knocked off the table by my cat and was lost until my family Christmas. Then on Christmas Eve, my friends got me a gag gift of a gay porno that I left half wraped because it made me sick to even notice it. The Following afternoon my family came over and my cat was sitting in the living room playing with the lube bottle and had torn the porno to shreds that lay all over the floor.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=894478
Phuc 237,915 21
03/19/2004 03:17 PM
Anyways, I was psyched that a blow was struck against constipated cantabridgians (sp?).
KY was used for slime in both Alien and the Matrix.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=898414
TheZaniak 0 9
03/25/2004 05:25 AM
Hey, if I were a store manager, I'd make sure that every sex product doesn't scan properly. Let's face it, how else can possibly have fun...managing that store?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=898422
Frogtacular 173,148 25
03/25/2004 06:01 AM
That, was really strange way...to phrase sentence.
|
|
|
|
Store
