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 The Omelet. Cookbooks would like you to believe that it is one of the simplest things one can make with chicken-fetus-goop. Ladies and gentlemen, you have my sincerest confession that omelets are the devil, and anyone who eats them is sub-human.
It all began innocently enough several mornings ago, when I awoke from my slumber with a jerk. "Me hungry" I roared. Omelet. I was to cook myself an omelet.
I made my way downstairs, where I grabbed a bowl and raged into the refrigerator. Crack: One egg gone. SMASH! Another egg gets Frosted up. What's that egg number three? You beg for mercy? Maybe your boys shoul'nt have killed my brother you sons of bitches! WATCHA! Egg innards in the pan. Frost-ing egg bastards.
Several more eggs later, some milk was added, a few onions, the souls of the damned, another Frost-ing egg Frost-ing Froster, and I was ready. Now we play the waiting game...
"But wait a minute ... what's that sizzling sound? There's no way it should be sizzling already, it's only been cooking for a few seconds." Then it hit me: the no-stick oil! It is become angry with heat! Sweet merciful Jesus, run for your lives! Before seeking shelter, I was showered by an ejaculate of fiery, vengeful oil droplets. "My epidermis, it burns!" I managed to scream before hitting the floor. It was apparent this was no ordinary omelet.
Slowly I rose, an insatiable blood-lust in my eyes. That omelet would pay. By God, how it would pay.
The first thought that came to mind was: "Kill them. Grab the pan and throw it out the window. Kill them all." I reached for the pan, wrapped my fingers around the handle, and was about to scream the scream of victory when the searing pain of searing metal seared my fingers. Seared. "Very tricky, omelet. You've learned well. I applaud you for your technique and ingenuity. But now, you will be over-powered by my superior human brain. Today is a good day to die."
That's when I got the oven mitt.
Now, as an aside, one should remember that the Oven Mitt was invented by a raving psychotic, who cherished -- above all else -- the safety of his hands. The Mitts are a tool of terrible power, and should be used only as a last resort, when all rags and adventurous palms have been exhausted.
With the might of the oven mitt I grabbed the pan, emptied the omelet on to a plate, and cast the pan into the sink. "HUZZAH! You are vanquished, you mean-hearted son of a non-stick alloyed material!"
And then I turned the omelet into poo.
THE END
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
91 votes
5.0
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24 Comments on "The Great Omelet Caper"
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ringworm 68,315  13
04/14/2004 05:01 PM
I awoke from my slumber with a jerk.
he still hasn't called you back, huh?
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Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/14/2004 05:02 PM
I wasn't going to click your article until I read the line about the poo. Poo is always funny.
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Dr. Crazyballs 11,888 10
04/14/2004 05:07 PM
That was brilliant, because it only took 45 seconds to read.
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
04/14/2004 05:07 PM
Yes, the unexpected poo at the end was funny, but so was the word "WATCHA!"
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/14/2004 05:09 PM
"Maybe your boys shoul'nt have killed my brother you sons of bitches!"
hee hee!
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Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/14/2004 05:16 PM
For one reason or another, I picture Mr. Glass as sort of a Johnny Depp in "Fear and Loathing."
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
04/14/2004 05:22 PM
I was thinking more Johnny Depp in "Benny and Joon."
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Whistler P. McManus 185,899 44
04/14/2004 05:35 PM
Mr. Glass is even more Frosted up than I originally thought. Clickies!
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Jantastic 10,022 10
04/14/2004 06:42 PM
My love for you burns like the fire of something very, very hot. One might even call it searing.
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ringworm 68,315 13
04/14/2004 07:11 PM
your love, or the aftermath? don't forget to mention the oozing sores.
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hobohono 0 9
04/14/2004 09:16 PM
Not the most funny thing I have ever read
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mr.funky chunks 256 9
04/14/2004 09:57 PM
HEY whats the story with your dead brother
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DeezNutz2 242 10
04/14/2004 11:19 PM
And then I turned the omelet into poo.
Thats all you had to say...everything else about your story sucks
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Drenius 10 9
04/14/2004 11:22 PM
Who the heck cooked the omelette in the picture?! That thing looks nasty and burnt.
-le cheffe-
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Flying Hippo of- AGGHHH! 1,246 10
04/15/2004 12:12 AM
.........
Here I was thinking that I was the crazy one.....
oh well
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Magistrate Hiro 8 9
04/15/2004 01:23 AM
You think ommlettes are bad, try cooking scrambled eggs ^_~
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Mr.Glass: The World's First Smartmonaut 25,340 11
04/15/2004 02:52 AM
*GASP!* There's a glaring omission in this! It seems as though my hideous self-description was censored...
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Trixxie teh Scientist 65,021 15
04/15/2004 09:27 AM
omelets are not for the inexperience cook.
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swoncho 18 9
04/15/2004 03:39 PM
the parsley is a great touch
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Frou Frou 156,785 17
04/15/2004 03:43 PM
Yes! Because it makes your omelette poop green!
HUZZAH!
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Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/15/2004 03:45 PM
I, Sir, Call your bluff!!
That is NOT an Omelet in that picture, but a Giant Hideously Malformed Pierogi!! For shame...
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
04/16/2004 07:40 PM
Mr. Glass is the funniest man alive.
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kyla12345 21 8
08/13/2005 12:40 AM
Funny, but if you ask me, not much of a great omelet caper...more of a small omelet-related story
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