Frogtacular 173,153 25
04/04/2004 02:53 PM

Silly Canadian.. what about the video camera?

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 02:55 PM

Why wont anybody tell me about too much cheese?

superchicken 6,678 0
04/04/2004 02:59 PM

i always favored jumping off a tower with a glass of water at the bottom at 3 o'clock, and there being a sign by the glass that says 'water show at 3 o'clock.'

DemoMonkey, Newb Wrangler. 166,252 10
04/04/2004 02:59 PM

Airplane.



Skydiving.



Video camera with microphone, live video feed to a local station as I do my "In Depth" story on skydiving safety.



Chute and reserve chute stuffed full of 20$ bills.



3 minutes to tell the people I love and the world exactly what I think of them.

Spicey McHaggis 117,736 36
04/04/2004 03:11 PM

Contemplating suicide? No matter what method you use to shuffle off the mortal coil, make sure you leave a lasting impression. Let Special Effects give your suicide note that professional look.

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 03:12 PM

Cheese people please? I'm being serious here

Frogtacular 173,153 25
04/04/2004 03:14 PM

Spicey, how can we trust a place that shows no interest in repeat business?

Livewire 78,229 13
04/04/2004 03:17 PM

Combining the automotive with the aeronautic: (I think I got this idea from a Bond movie)



Fly a cargo plane over New York City. Doesn't matter about air clearance; it's a one-way trip. Open the cargo bay door. Start the engine on your rented Hummer (or for extra fun, a dump truck!) and drive out.



In order to prevent falling too fast and ruining the joke, you need a huge parachute on the back. Deploy chute, and honk the horn as you pass the upper floors in the skyscrapers. The suits in their corner offices will Shakespeare themselves.



As you reach about 20 floors from the ground, release the chute.



Try to crash into an intersection and hit lots of cars. The insurance companies will go mental.

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 03:22 PM

and not pay up.

superchicken 6,678 0
04/04/2004 03:23 PM

this is about to make funniest of the month, i have prophesizered.

Frogtacular 173,153 25
04/04/2004 03:23 PM

Just one question: What's in the back of the truck?











Is it gravel? I bet it's gravel. It's gravel, isn't it?

superchicken 6,678 0
04/04/2004 03:23 PM

roast beef.

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 03:24 PM

Now i'm hungry

Livewire 78,229 13
04/04/2004 03:25 PM

What's in the back of the truck?



Puppies.





































Oh, all right. Gravel.



And cinder blocks.

PuggyD 48,304 12
04/04/2004 03:25 PM

If you want to commit suicide, you could always change your name to "Wonderfalls" and go to Fox Studios on a Friday night.



Bastards.

Frogtacular 173,153 25
04/04/2004 03:27 PM

Animals, cute-pet-type or livestock-farm-type, and/or cuts of meat was my other idea. Just think of the blast radius! (a la the Hitchhiker's Guide whale)

superchicken 6,678 0
04/04/2004 03:29 PM

i still say that you throw a huge party, with all your friends and family.



say you are about to make an announcement and position yourself so that when you blow your brains out, they land on your mothers face.



that would be sooo cool!

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 03:32 PM

my mother would be so happy, and I mean it too, I've been costing my parents thousands and thousands of dollars

Frogtacular 173,153 25
04/04/2004 03:33 PM

and you think bodies bury themselves? huh? HUH?

superchicken 6,678 0
04/04/2004 03:35 PM

that's why you invite their pets as well.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/04/2004 03:36 PM

tie yourself to the back of a pickup truck and drive around town until your head falls off. people will blame the klan.

Scratchy 2,750 12
04/04/2004 03:37 PM

Go to a civil war reenactment in a star trek uniform. Insist you are the tactical officer, and that you will man the weapons. Load a large cannon with a litter of kittens, and call it "tribble shot". While waiting for the charge, tell all your co-reenactors about your degree in quantum physics, then step in front of the cannon and pull the lanyard. If you don't die, tell everyone the cannon was just set on stun.

Briham 38,843 10
04/04/2004 03:49 PM

1. Build Catapult. Aim for children's easter egg hunt in the park.

2. Douse self in gasoline

3. Get in catapult.

4. Light self on fire.

5. Pull lever.

This is especially effective if you tell the people at the park that there will be a special appearance by the Human Torch during the egg hunt.

Scratchy 2,750 12
04/04/2004 03:51 PM

Go to central park. Strip naked and coat yourself in chunky peanut butter. Throw yourself to the squirrels.

Briham 38,843 10
04/04/2004 03:53 PM

I'd say rabbits would be better than squirrels.

Livewire 78,229 13
04/04/2004 04:00 PM

I'm so proud. My creative suicide method is in the alt.suicide.holiday FAQ.



I used to post there about 1989-1991 under the name Transhumanist. They loved my extremely dark humour.



Hit CTRL-F and do a search for "piano".

Dr. Crazyballs 11,888 10
04/04/2004 04:11 PM

Rig 2 40 lbs. sledge hammers to your door with a pulley system so they swing down towards your head when the door is opened. Invite over x-girlfriend/boyfriend/goat.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
04/04/2004 04:14 PM

In honor of the National Contest held this weekend:



Manufacture a Rube Goldberg Machine to pull the pin on a grenade and drop it into your pocket.

Munkus 2,801 10
04/04/2004 04:35 PM

I think id like to weld my ass up with a blowtorch (or get someone else to do, im not that bendy) and then proceed to eat anything with lots of fibre and then waShakespeare down with a highly carbonated beverage or seventy.







Then i'd top it off with a wafer-thin mint and watch the fireworks/bowels fly

Dr. Crazyballs 11,888 10
04/04/2004 04:36 PM

Your ass is made of steel?

Livewire 78,229 13
04/04/2004 04:45 PM

Apparently.

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 04:47 PM

I'm always scared to look at these links

Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
04/04/2004 04:52 PM

Back in the late 70's a kid my sister went to Highschool with, took his life by tying a noose around his neck, then hitting the button on the Geni remote control in the garage .

His folks came home from where ever and pulled in the driveway to see him swinging from the open garage door.

Fartpuppy 5,142 13
04/04/2004 04:53 PM

surprise!

Munkus 2,801 10
04/04/2004 04:58 PM

wouldnt it be cool to have a steel ass? you could stick magnets on it and stuff.





ok so maybe the list of advantages isnt that big.

Livewire 78,229 13
04/04/2004 05:03 PM

wouldnt it be cool to have a steel ass?



Only when you're a kid. "Go ahead, spank me, mom! Bring it, sissy! Let's see what you got!"

DemoMonkey, Newb Wrangler. 166,252 10
04/04/2004 05:05 PM

Not so cool if Dad was Magneto.

Munkus 2,801 10
04/04/2004 05:08 PM

magneto hated his kids anyway. quicksilver couldnt have run so fast with an ass of heavy metal.

Knewt the Cute Noiseless Mute 159 10
04/04/2004 06:39 PM

find a tree.

tie a 600 feet long rope to it.

tie the other end around your neck.

get in your car.



and drive as fast as you can until the rope RIPS your head off, leaving it on the dashboard and shards of flesh stuck to the rope. preferably blue nylon.



another neat trick is:



drink a bottle of whiskey.

soak yerself in gasoline.

find the nearest kindergarden..

whip that good ol' zippo outta yer pocket and light up your last cigarette.

through the flames, you should see kids going NUTS, crying their eyeballs out.



then you FRY in hell.

Scratchy 2,750 12
04/04/2004 10:42 PM

Go to New York, especially Long Island. Go to a public area and begin insulting Billy Joel. Hilarity will ensue. If you live throw yourself in front of a subway train. If you chose Long Island thow yourself in front of a LIRR train instead.

erykahbadu 1,156 9
04/04/2004 10:52 PM

Stick a male gerbil in your bunghole. Carefully swallow a female gerbil (make sure she's in heat). The gerbils will eventually find each other. When this happens they will mate. The mating is so ferocious it blows out the upper portion of your large intestine and you die of internal bleeding. This may take some time, but it's all in the name of gerbil love. Gerbil love, when you've got nothing else to do on your day off. Sponsored by Butt-Plugs of America, and Viewers Like You.

Russell The One-Eyed Wonder Muscle 242 10
04/04/2004 10:55 PM

Give up food, water, and sleep and just Gab.



or



Put bathtub girl as your desktop wallpaper.

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/05/2004 12:05 AM

Declare yourself the new leader of Hamas. Dare Israel to come and get you.

Father Dave Murray, all God, all the time... 622 13
04/05/2004 01:01 AM

Suicide... it's a dying art.

Jantastic 10,022 10
04/05/2004 01:11 AM

...like everything else.

Do you do it exceptionally well?

Livewire 78,229 13
04/05/2004 11:45 AM

<action>microwaves the weekend's leftovers for the Monday crowd.</action>

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
04/05/2004 12:05 PM

I think it would be great to post your suicide note as an ad in the newspaper. Pick out a random person from your highschool yearbook. In the note blame your desire to die on something this person said.

They will be trying to figure out what they said, in order to relieve their guilt, for the rest of their life.

Miss Priss 133 9
04/05/2004 12:27 PM

Well, first, you place your nuts on your face....

Pubah, Dame Bonky's Loving Bodyguard 56,794 18
04/05/2004 09:56 PM

1. Smear a pound of bacon all over yourself

2. Put on a www.ZUGROCKS t-shirt on.

3. Jump into the nearest Polar Bear pin

4. Grab one of the cute little cuddly cubs and start throwing it into the air.



You'll make the evening news...posthumusly.

Marilyn 12,471 13
04/05/2004 09:59 PM

Creative ways to commit suicide - Posting on gab and having John lecture you to death, while worring your popcorn is going to burn in the microwave.

Pubah, Dame Bonky's Loving Bodyguard 56,794 18
04/05/2004 10:43 PM

<action>Curls himself up into a big-ole-ball</action>



And dies

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
04/05/2004 11:43 PM

At 2:30 this morning while driving back to Florida from Illinois, I contemplated pulling off to a store and buying some bleach to inject into my bloodstream so I wouldn't have to spend any more time on the road.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
04/05/2004 11:45 PM

Mavis, I'm sure there were a lot of female GABbers hoping they could "change you" along the way. And I'm sure a little bit of hetero sex would have been better that suicide.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
04/05/2004 11:48 PM

That's a tossup.

Pubah, Dame Bonky's Loving Bodyguard 56,794 18
04/06/2004 12:02 AM

I'd have to side with fair Mavis here...with a deviant deviation



Suicide or a good buttFrostin (catcher)



*Tosses up a Salad*



a Toss-up





Feels strange and violated, but posts anyway.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
04/06/2004 12:12 AM

That wouldn't exactly be siding with me, now would it?

Pubah, Dame Bonky's Loving Bodyguard 56,794 18
04/06/2004 12:15 AM

You view sex with a woman equal to suicide

I view sex with a man equal to suicide



Both of us would just assoon die as switch



I'd call that 'siding' with you...with dievent diviations

godot 15,434 11
04/23/2004 11:00 PM

1. lock yourself in a room with a tuning fork and a 14 gauge glass rod. be sure to swallow the key.

2. get naked

3. insert the tuning fork into your urethra as far as it will go.

4. bang tuning fork on a hard surface

5. gently place tuning fork to the end of the glass rod.

6. slowly bleed to death

ringworm 68,315 13
04/23/2004 11:10 PM

shouldn't the glass rod go in your urethra? i'm just saying.

godot 15,434 11
04/23/2004 11:14 PM

sorry - a little sexlystia

Dirty Dan 43 9
04/23/2004 11:42 PM

Tie a piano to the ceiling and leave it dangling by a rope, Cut the rope and wait for the piano to fall on your head



just like in the cartoons

DeadMike 3,390 10
04/24/2004 12:01 AM

walk into a bar on martin luther king blvd wearing painted on jeans and a cowboy hat.

take the microphone from the dj

tell a Ogden Nash joke

Doc 7,105 13
04/24/2004 01:04 AM

I would hijack a plane and craShakespeare into the eiffel tower.

What the fuck goes here? 297 9
04/24/2004 01:07 AM

Cut off your penis and screm to death.

Fartpuppy - Now turning girls into lesbians 5,142 13
04/24/2004 01:08 AM

Try it and let us know how it turns out.

What the fuck goes here? 297 9
04/24/2004 01:12 AM

My cousin tried it. He lost his penis, but didn't die, so he killed himself later with the old fashioned shotgun in the mouth method.

saggyb 124 9
04/24/2004 01:13 AM

Cut off your penis and screm to death.



And the ladies would have to just fake it, I'm guessing? Women faking it, what an absurd concept!

What the fuck goes here? 297 9
04/24/2004 01:15 AM

I've always wondered what would happen (besides death) if a woman shot herself with a shotgun up her Poe.....

Fartpuppy - Now turning girls into lesbians 5,142 13
04/24/2004 01:16 AM

I'm not a girl, but the best answer i can give is that it would hurt

saggyb 124 9
04/24/2004 01:17 AM

Natural Selection... thats what.

What the fuck goes here? 297 9
04/24/2004 01:18 AM

I'm not a girl, but the best answer i can give is that it would hurt



I saw "hurt" underlined and hoped you had a link. Dammit.

Hyperspaz:zapsrepyH 3,290 11
04/24/2004 01:22 AM

Suicide is over-rated. If life is that bad, before you kill yourself become a porn star. Even if you are ugly. Cause ugly people like watching ugly people porn too.

godot 15,434 11
04/24/2004 02:28 AM

Announce to gab your discovery of my REAL address. Give directions to your house. Post pictures of yourself and your house - make them look like spy pictures...



sit back and wait...

Semtex the cat 25 9
04/24/2004 07:28 PM

leave your car abandoned at a popular suicide spot with a suicide note. blame everyone you know for "not understanding you". then go into hiding for 5 years. After that track all your old relatives down, hide behind walls and call to them, walk past them in crowds, and break into their homes and whisper in their ears. continue this for ten years, then shoot yourself.

Jesus's Son 45 8
06/30/2004 06:40 PM

1) Steal a three year old's tricycle

2)Attach model rocket engines to back of said tricycle

3) Go to police station and procede to inhale 3-4 lines of crack

4) Escape by means of tricycle then merge onto freeway with police cars chasing you

5) When the police are about to catch you ignite the model rocket engines

6) If all goes properly at least one engine should misfire into your ass therby killing you

Jesus's Son 45 8
06/30/2004 06:50 PM

That being said, is it possible to get a negative clickie rating?

Mofo Baggins of the Hill People 10,950 10
06/30/2004 07:01 PM

Mr. Jesus's son: I only clickied your post because I've been a stingy bastard with my clicks. I have 4 times as many clickies recieved than given. Don't let it go to your head.

Mofo Baggins of the Hill People 10,950 10
06/30/2004 07:10 PM

1. Rent a frog costume (charge it to a credit card) and play your own real-life version of "Frogger" up and down the interstate.



2. Go to work for Haliburton.



3. Piss me off



4. Go to a Black Panther rally in Klan garb.



5. Strip down naked, strap a couple of hams to your ass, and take off running through the Alaskan wilderness.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/30/2004 07:12 PM

5. Strip down naked, strap a couple of hams to your ass, and take off running through the Alaskan wilderness.Virn's front yard.

Mofo Baggins of the Hill People 10,950 10
06/30/2004 07:16 PM

Hmmm, that actually brings to mind this story of a guy being raped to death by a grizzly bear. True story. Yeah.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/30/2004 07:17 PM

You know, I think that's the first Virn/ham joke I've ever made. I think it will also be my last.