Face Saved || Another Shopping Story
A comedy article
by R80o  1,181  9
04/07/2004 01:19 AM 245 views
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It was a scorching, humid, summer afternoon in Georgia. My wife, my daughter, and I had just left church, and we decided to go shopping for my sister's birthday gift. My wife suggested that we try out TJ MAXX, so we hopped in the car and drove over to the local MAXX store. We had been browsing for about half an hour, when all of a sudden I had a bit of a "tummy ache." I say "tummy ache" in sarcastic quotes, since it felt more like labor pains.
At first, I ignored the pain. Then another stomach cramp hit. After that one passed, I started scoping the store for a restroom ... just in case. After the next cramp, I went off to ask a store clerk where the restrooms were. The only clerk I could find, of course, was all the way up at the front registers.
"Pardon me. Where are your restrooms?" I asked.
The clerk never looked up, just waved off to the back right corner of the store. "THERE."
"Thank you," I said, hobbling back across the store.
When I got to the back right corner, I found three doors. No signs, no pointers, no icons, just three doors.
I opened the first door. Storeroom.
I opened the second door. Manager's office.
By this time, I was in trouble. Desperately needing relief, I crashed through the third door to find a hallway. At the end of the hall were the universal "man" and "woman" icons. I sprinted, teary-eyed, full-pace down the hall with my hand over my ass 'coz I was crowning for God's sake. I had Snicker's knocking on cotton! I HAD TO GO!
The men's restroom was locked.
I turned around and tried the women's restroom, since this was not a moment to be worried about pride. Also locked!
I DIDN'T ASK THE SALES WENCH FOR A FREAKIN' KEY! I DIDN'T KNOW I NEEDED A KEY! Thanks to TJ MAXX's crack security team I was about to Shakespeare myself.
I was mentally shouting prayers to God and all of his possible incarnations, when I noticed a side corridor a few feet back up the hall.
I ran to the corridor, which had a back entrance to the store, and a broom closet. I figured I would take the back door (which would set off an alarm) if the broom closet was locked. But the first priority was my back door. I tackled the closet door, which opened up just as pretty as you please. What followed, however, was not pretty.
You've never known true humility until you've done #2 while perched precariously on a tall trash can in a hot broom closet of a mid-scale retail department store in August in Georgia. My prayers were answered, though. Not only was the closet unlocked, but there was a whole case of toilet paper in there with me. As Martha would say, "It's a Good Thing."
After all the drama, I tidied up and casually strolled out to my wife, who was in the cookware section. She looked at me and her jaw dropped. Stuttering, she asked me what was wrong. I was white as a ghost, drenched in sweat, my hair was a mess, my shirt was untucked, my pants wrinkled.
"I don't feel well. I'll wait for you in the car," I told her, and then I casually walked away before she could even respond.
I was proud of myself. I had just gone through a personal disaster of biblical proportions, and nobody was the wiser. Face saved.
Then she blurted out: "IS THAT MUD ON YOUR SHIRTTAIL?"
Thanks Shug.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
154 votes
5.0
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13 Comments on "Face Saved || Another Shopping Story"
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490  10
04/27/2004 01:54 PM
"I had Snicker's knocking on cotton!"
Best line ever!
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Crazyballs 11,888 10
04/27/2004 01:57 PM
Bravo.
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$pe¢iª£ þrøwnie$ ® 339 9
04/27/2004 02:20 PM
Why, yes....that is MUD!
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Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/27/2004 02:23 PM
Nice!! Good call on the broom closet...that'll teach those goddam janitors!!
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Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/27/2004 02:46 PM
You should go back and do it again just for fun...
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Chickens- the Garden Center's Bitch 286,326 61
04/27/2004 02:52 PM
I would have clicked you for "I was crowning for God's sake. I had Snicker's knocking on cotton!", but the thought of someone finding a Shakespeare in their garbage can is just too good.
Cudos.
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The Doyman 1 9
04/27/2004 03:41 PM
Reminds me of the time when my HS buddies and I were on the way to a BB tourney. We stopped in this small town to get gas and some food. The gas station woman accused my frineds and I of shoplifting. I never figured that one out but she did. SO on the way back home we stopped again, and I used the restroom. Not funny by itself, but I didn't use the toilet. I instead opened the cabinet under the sink where all the cleaning suppies were stored and let fly with a weekend's full of "pre-owned" taco bell $.49 burritos. That will teach um!
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friendoofop 64 9
04/27/2004 06:16 PM
You should try this one at poopreport.com.
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Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/27/2004 06:54 PM
One time I was out with my ex-girlfriend, and she waited in the car while I ran inside because she wasn't feeling well. When I came out, she wasn't in the car. I walk around to the drivers side, and see her kneeling down in front of the car taking a dump. I was shocked, but it gets worse - She wiped her ass with a maxipad.
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Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/27/2004 08:05 PM
This one time, at poop camp...
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Snap, Crackle, Explode 948 9
04/27/2004 08:09 PM
That one got a clickie. Whoo. Reminds me of my lusty youth, going about, pooping in trash cans. . .
Damn. Can't think of anything funny.
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FlyingJules 167 9
04/28/2004 02:12 AM
Well, better than "IS THAT Shakespeare ON YOUR SHIRTTAIL?"
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