A Poo in the Night
A comedy article
by Hammerhead  59,399  14
04/21/2004 05:44 AM 438 views
|
|
Being a band geek in high school meant having the largest "group" of friends in school. Sure, there were cliques within the band, but we all had a common bond. And this bond led to at least two or three parties a year. And typically these were hosted by upperclassmen. One such party my freshman year was the setting for my tale.
The family hosting this get together lived in this little one street town, which was called a town, but wasn't much more than about ten or so houses clumped together out in the country. The party picked up and we were having a good time, when I started to feel the urge. I hadn't been having any gastrointestinal malfunctions lately, so I knew that it wouldn't turn ugly, at least not explosive or damaging. But after a while the urge turned into a much more noticeable pressure. I needed leave an offering to the porcelain god.
Now, this was the first time I'd ever visited this particular house, but the throne room wasn't hard to find. I'd just been in there about an hour before to drain my lizard, so I nonchalantly made my way back into the house away from the party to relieve myself once again. Now, I've always had an aversion to making deposits in strange banks, especially if there was a problem and I made too large of a deposit, and especially because of the potential for embarrassment and ridicule with this group. So I went in hoping that this would be an easy transaction, in and out. I didn't want to take more than ten minutes, if that was at all possible. I figured that if anyone noticed, and if I'd have gone any longer, someone would, I was being average for a decent evacuation. Nothing spectacular, everybody does it, it's going to be alright.
Now as the minutes ticked past, and I came upon my predetermined mark, I realized that this wouldn't be an easy task. I wasn't trying to pay attention to exactly the amount of my deposit, but I knew that I'd need to do more. And because this was the only bathroom in the house, I couldn't pull off a double flusher, because someone was certainly waiting for their turn. So I made a stopping point and vowed to return as soon as possible to finiShakespeare wasn't negotiable, I needed the satisfaction of completion. I waited what I figured was a respectable amount of time, made my way back to that haven, and...was denied. There was now a line. But I couldn't wait. I needed to finish pinching my loaf.
I wandered back outside, away from my needed respite, and wandered aimlessly amongst the revelers all the while considering my possibilities. I made my way to the back of the property, where there was a windbreak made from a grove of evergreen trees. This place also had been allowing for "secret meetings" between quite a few of the couples. I ducked under the low branches and allowed my eyes to focus on the darkness of the small grove. No one was around. They had taken a break from their activities and joined the group as a whole. The grove was empty for the time being. And as I stood there thinking, I was struck with an epiphany. There were fields behind the houses. There was a grove of trees between the house and the partygoers, and the field. It was dark. I could poop in the field.
I only had a short amount of time, as the grove could fill once again with horny teenagers making out. I crept between the two lines of barbed wire and into the tall grass. Luckily there wasn't any actual crops in the field, or it would have been more difficult. I moved silently away, to a decent distance and dropped trou. The one thing that flashed through my mind was Dances with Wolves where the soldiers are arguing over the paper from the guy's diary whilst squatting in the grass. Except I didn't have any paper. And I certainly wasn't about to use my hand. So I figured that I'd get the chance to fix whatever I could after I made it back inside to the confines of the library, but I needed to do this NOW!
It's surprisingly tranquil balancing in the moonlight in a grassy field taking a Shakespeare with a party going on a couple hundred yards away. I was trying to make sure that I didn't plop directly into my lowered jeans, or fall over backwards into it. But it worked out. I was successful. I carefully and quietly returned my drawers and pants to their rightful place, making sure that my boxers didn't stick between my ass cheeks, trying to keep them as clean as possible. I carefully treaded back into the house to clean up, and found the john empty. I dropped my drawers again and sat on the commode to give myself the perfect wiping stance, reached for some quilted soft papery goodness to remove what I was sure was left on myself, and wiped. It was clean. I wiped again. Still clean. I checked my drawers. Nothing. I'd pulled off a no-wiper. I was relieved and ecstatic at one of the best poops ever. I like pooping in the great outdoors.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Hilarious
57 votes
4.8
/live?func=new_user&msgid=920673
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
25 Comments on "A Poo in the Night"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=937533
Sho-Gun BobJohnson 178,045  22
05/13/2004 10:35 PM
Heh. Poop.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=937564
WhoaDude 497 9
05/13/2004 11:32 PM
Comedy GOLD!
You are teh awesome
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=937607
Frogpop 173,153 25
05/14/2004 01:02 AM
Geez. Even my never-to-be-published article was better than this.
And by "better", I mean shorter and with pictures.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=937696
newwave 45,912 10
05/14/2004 10:44 AM
While I appreciate this (and, really, any) poop story, and am glad for you that everything came out OK ... (pausing for collective groan) ... I was sort of hoping for a hilarious mishap of some kind at the end. I suggest one of the following:
1: As I turned around to admire my newly hatched log, I noticed that I crapped right on a dead possum!
2: As I made my way back into the house I heard muffled laughing, and then discovered about a dozen people huddled around a telescope in my host's bedroom, focused on the field!
3: My pooping tranquility was interrupted by the unmistakable sound of gay sex: in my rush to check everywhere for possible making-out teenagers, I forgot to check behind me in the field, where my best friend and my girlfriend's brother were now bumping uglies! I instantly popped 3 boners.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=937744
Molly Whittaker 156,785 17
05/14/2004 12:03 PM
I love you today Hammerhead.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=937981
Sour Cream and Chive Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/14/2004 04:32 PM
Newwave, you can Frost off and die, you dickless wonder. Go write your own goddamn article.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=938175
Pat The Great 948 9
05/14/2004 08:02 PM
Wouldn't it have been easier if there was 5-foot high corn from which to hide in? Or at least a cow?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=938259
Sour Cream and Chive Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/14/2004 10:31 PM
Why would I hide in a cow?
It was dark, there were 40 ft. trees, and the grass was at least three feet tall. I was wearing dark clothes, and nobody was paying attention to the field I was in. Yes, I would have been embarrased if I'd been caught, however I pulled it off and it was very satisfying.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=938263
Pat The Great 948 9
05/14/2004 10:48 PM
Well, with four stomachs, it would make for a very interesting game of Hide-and-Go-Seek.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=938291
newwave 45,912 10
05/15/2004 12:21 AM
Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1120940
Whistler P. McManus 185,899 44
01/25/2005 12:49 PM
I'm a sucker for a happy ending. Thanks to the Kamikaze for digging this one back up.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1266196
Bug Hunter 62 7
08/19/2005 12:32 AM
I laughed, I cried, I almost messed my underoos. But yeah I was waiting for the other shoe to drop too, when the wipes were comming-up clean.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1269132
HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/24/2005 04:12 PM
So this is funny? A guy takes two decent dumps with no mishap, makes a couple of metaphors and that's comedy? The writing was well done and the happy ending was unexpected but pleasant, but forgive me if I say that I don't understand.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1269145
HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/24/2005 04:28 PM
Yea, you're right. I'm sure it'll fill up soon, though.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1269147
dropkick brody 43,090 12
08/24/2005 04:37 PM
Hartman Twins-
Insulting long time GABbers ain't the greatest way to endear yourself. Just a tip.
And as my mother always says, if you don't have anything nice to say, then STFU.
Brody.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1269157
HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/24/2005 04:52 PM
Insulting long time GABbers ain't the greatest way to endear yourself. Just a tip.
Allow me to be clear and state that I had no intention of insulting anyone. I'm already in bad waters with Hammer, and I don't need more ennemies. In fact, I even complimented the writing and the ending. I was just wondering what made it worthy of GAB. From what I understood, the standards are pretty high.
I was hoping for a legitimate response, although not demanding one in any way.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1269166
dropkick brody 43,090 12
08/24/2005 04:59 PM
So this is funny?
Yeah, I dunno where I got the insulting vibe from.
But I think you have good potential, you seem quick. And you can use the shift key.
Maybe you should submit an article. The standards, in my opinion, are pretty high. Higher than I could aspire for.
But go for it. The worst that could happen is rejection leading to suicidal depression.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1269171
HartmanTwins 10,131 10
08/24/2005 05:06 PM
You just suck.
What I do on my spare time is none of your business. Unless you live within 15 miles of me and have an active credit card.
Brody, I didn't mean for it to be insulting. I was just surprised.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1278226
Hammerhead 59,399 14
09/08/2005 03:20 PM
I'm sorry for the bump, but I just happened to catch that this was bumped recently.
HT, there's a reason this article made it. It's a poop article. It's all about poop, and nothing but the poop. It was also an embarassing moment, and I was also trying to not make it an even bigger embarassing moment.
Also, this article was approved by John, back when John was the one to approve the articles, long before Chi-Chi took it over. Obviously, John loves him a good poop story. It was incredibly more difficult to get articles approved by John than it is by Chi-Chi.
|
|
|
|
Store