csme 15,189 12
04/21/2004 01:41 PM

Don't you wish people would mind their own business.

The Zarn 249 10
04/21/2004 01:41 PM

Then you should have her walk backwards, child killer.

Jujube monkey 23,705 11
04/21/2004 01:41 PM

Dismemberment has it's priviliges

csme 15,189 12
04/21/2004 01:41 PM

Heh heh - 1st poster!

TTJane-Spicey is my Tarzan 173,958 15
04/21/2004 01:41 PM

Uh, her shoulders dropped in shame, not dripped.



Anyway, we were walking through the store, on our way to get bread, and she comes rushing over to us. She holds out a Snickers bar, and said she wanted my daughter to have it. She kept saying she was sorry over and over again and saying she hoped she didn't hurt my little girls feelings. I didn't want my daughter to take candy from a stranger, so I'm eating it now. This is the best Snickers ever-coated with the sweet tears of a stranger.

PuggyD 48,304 12
04/21/2004 01:42 PM

It was an honest mistake, albeit a nosy one. You're the bitch.

Jujube monkey 23,705 11
04/21/2004 01:43 PM

This thread makes me want to see Cloak and Dagger again.

8-pack slack gripper 1,768 12
04/21/2004 01:47 PM

it will you and not her



It will "what" you and not her...?

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/21/2004 01:47 PM

What you should have done:



Old Lady: You really should hold her other hand so she's not so close to traffic.

TTJ: You're probably right.

(to daughter) Honey, can you give me your other hand?

Old Lady: (smiling lovingly)

TTJ: Honey?! OH MY GOD!!! WHERE IS YOUR ARM!!!

Old Lady:

TTJ:

Old Lady:

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/21/2004 01:48 PM

Stupid copy and paste. There was more dialoge. I just messed that up.



*stabs self *

TTJane-Spicey is my Tarzan 173,958 15
04/21/2004 01:49 PM

I love you, Kittuns.



And Puggy, if you could have heard her voice, you would know she got what she deserved. She didn't say it in a nice way. I wouldn't have minded that-I don't usually get mad at people that are thinking about my daughter's safety. But she said it in such a way that you could almost hear her thoughts. "God, that stupid woman can't take care of her own kid" And she sighed very loudly before she started talking. She brought it on herself.

Tom Brokaw and the Cork Soakers 2,131 10
04/21/2004 01:51 PM

She's old too. They havent done anything for you... but you have to think, you were a little harsh on that woman.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/21/2004 01:53 PM

Did you ask her, "How can she eat this candy bar AND hold my hand at the same time you insensitive BITCH!?"

Jujube monkey 23,705 11
04/21/2004 01:54 PM

You should of told her, look lady! When was the last time your ungrateful came to see since they threw you in that shabby run down Old folks home? You better get back before you Shakespeare yourself!

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/21/2004 01:55 PM

Dude, you guys need to lay off TTJ.



She has a kid with one arm and no middle finger.



Her kid will never know the joy of flipping off old women who butt into business that isn't their own.

8-pack slack gripper 1,768 12
04/21/2004 01:56 PM

your ungrateful came to see since



Your ungrateful "what" came to see "who"?

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/21/2004 01:56 PM

<action>keeps his mouth shut.</action>

Jujube monkey 23,705 11
04/21/2004 01:58 PM

I got a little excited Emerson now shut up before I kidnap you too.

8-pack slack gripper 1,768 12
04/21/2004 02:00 PM

Don't threaten me with a good time.

Chanceroni Babalabotcho 171,270 14
04/21/2004 02:01 PM

shut up 8 pack before you get the 5 smack.

8-pack slack gripper 1,768 12
04/21/2004 02:04 PM

I'd prefer cat o' nine tails, but if 5's all's ya got, bring it on.

Lizzie Borderline 4,212 10
04/21/2004 02:06 PM

Everyone knows that old people are only allowed to live so that we can abuse them and make fun of them, anyways.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/21/2004 02:07 PM

if a car drives up on the sidewalk, it will you and not her."



realistically, you'd both get hit anyway. this is like parents who'll throw their arm out to catch the kid on the passenger side when they're about to hit a wall at 60 miles per hour.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/21/2004 02:13 PM

and what's to stop someone from driving up on the sidewalk from the opposite direction? nothing, that's what.

Toonces 514 10
04/21/2004 02:14 PM

and honestly, what the hell kind of life is the kid going to have if she watches her mother get creamed by an out of control car?

Lizzie Borderline 4,212 10
04/21/2004 02:14 PM

I dream about it sometimes.

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/21/2004 02:15 PM

what the hell kind of life is the kid going to have



A very rich one. Life insurance + disablity = all the toys in the world.

Scotty Snuggleduck 5,349 10
04/21/2004 02:17 PM

A very rich one.



$6.00 in nickels + Government Scrapings = one used, broken toy

8-pack slack gripper 1,768 12
04/21/2004 02:18 PM

must ... resist ...

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/21/2004 02:19 PM

How many toys can I one child play with? I mean really, we're talking about one Barbie.



That reminds me. TTJ, do you rip one arm off your kids Barbies? You know, so she doesn't feel so "different"?

I.B.Syndrome 385 9
04/21/2004 02:30 PM

ttj,

you did the right thing. maybe next time she will wait a little longer then the .7 picoseconds she took before deciding she knew what was best for your child. you should of thanked her for lending a "helping hand"

PuggyD 48,304 12
04/21/2004 02:30 PM

"Candy bars don't put arms back on the nub, lady!"

Briham 38,843 10
04/21/2004 03:01 PM

The old lady had it coming, but I hope you at least acted forgiving when she brought her chocolate offering. For one thing, it's polite. It would also make her feel worse if you acted really sweet and stuff. Make her feel like a total bitch for bothering a kind mother with a one armed child. If you really wanted to make her feel bad, you should have said something like "Oh, thank you so much! It's been so hard buy her candy ever since I lost my job. Things aren't easy for a single mother these days, especially with all the medical bills and whatnot." Hell, she might have started giving you money!

Me Spicey. You Jane. 117,736 36
04/21/2004 03:27 PM

Jane, that story warms the Coleridgeles of my heart. I would suggest, however, that from now on you should avoid strangers with candy.

I.B.Syndrome 385 9
04/21/2004 03:55 PM

actually you should of said....



"Have you no shame? My daughter lost her hand in a candy machine!!!" "Damn you Hersheys!!!"

psychaholic, a bear of very little peen. 4,888 13
04/21/2004 03:59 PM

Terrible, funny... In other words... Perfect.

TTJane-Spicey is my Tarzan 173,958 15
04/21/2004 04:19 PM

Spicey, if I avoid Strangers with Candy, I'll never get to see David Sedaris's sister, Amy. And that would suck, because that is one funny family.

Phuc 237,915 21
04/21/2004 06:45 PM

That was the best story I've read since some GAB douchebag's mother died!



You gotta save this thread for the kid. She'll appreciate it when she's six or so.



"I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis."

DeadMike 3,390 10
04/21/2004 06:53 PM

its good she gave you the snickers. food is for the young

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/21/2004 06:55 PM

There was more dialoge. I just messed that up.



Kittuns, it was perfect just like that. Best laugh today.

gobadine 2,737 10
04/21/2004 06:58 PM

i was pissed off in an an elevator once by some whinging kid, he wanted to press the buttons, so I stood there in front of them, and when I got out, I pushed them all at once, stuck my tounge out and heard him cry as I left.



or did i see that on will and grace?

Mr_PeaCH 253 9
04/21/2004 07:28 PM

I de-lurked and created this account today; so inspired was I by Jujube monkey's brilliant wordplay (1st from him, 3rd response total)... yes, brilliant and nearly perfect.



It's "its" when it's meant possesively. And I would have gone with "hath" as well, but that's just me perhaps.



Carry on.

The Llama-☼-nator 7,194 10
04/21/2004 07:33 PM

Um...yeah... maybe you should lurk some more.

Marilyn 12,471 13
04/21/2004 07:40 PM

No arm, no middle finger, an old lady pushing Snickers bars



Was there some nuclear incident near TTJ's hous I wasn't aware of?



Because I was drunk?



Is it Halloween?



Because if it is, I'm getting drunk. I hope it's a Friday.

omfgfpdofdpo 25 10
04/21/2004 07:42 PM

I make poopie in my pants and nobody wants to be my friend.

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/21/2004 07:48 PM

<action>licks tip of her pencil, writes furiously on pad of paper</action>

I make poopie in my pants and nobody wants to be my friend.



Hmmm.



writes furiously on pad of paper



Can you tell me about your mother?



looks serious a la Stimpy

TTJane-Spicey is my Tarzan 173,958 15
04/21/2004 08:16 PM

Okay, omfgfpdofdpo. You've made 2 posts since opening the account. And they weren't funny. At all. Not only that, the 2 posts you made were Frost-ing exactly the same. Upon closer inspection of your profile, I see that you have given no clickes, and 1 maha (nega clickie for the n00b). I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

ringworm 68,315 13
04/21/2004 10:00 PM

what is his head doing up your ass? maybe you could get it if he were to move over a bit.

Thermopolis 666 13
04/21/2004 10:03 PM

You should have told her how you tore the other one off to beat her with and then dared her to call cps on you!!!

Thermopolis 666 13
04/21/2004 10:05 PM

That's Child Protective services for you Lay people!!

Livewire 78,229 13
04/21/2004 10:09 PM

I'm laughing so hard I'm having a hard time keeping the mouse pointer still long enough to click the happy clicks. Good work, all.

Livewire 78,229 13
04/21/2004 10:11 PM

Stupid copy and paste. There was more dialoge. I just messed that up.



Honestly, I don't think you could have improved on that. The stunned and uncomfortable silence at the end was pure art.

Fluro 14,139 11
04/21/2004 10:12 PM

Jane- awesome funny. Did anyone else see it? and what dose your daughter think of that incident?



Kittuns- Somthing bad will happen if that dosent become your funniest post.

TTJane-Spicey is my Tarzan 173,958 15
04/22/2004 12:12 AM

There was a teenage boy out in the parking lot gathering shopping carts. He didn't say anything, but he thought it was funny. I could see him watching us and laughing. My daughter didn't really notice. She was too busy watching a kid on one of mechanical horses you can ride for a quarter.

Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
04/22/2004 12:13 AM

My mechanical horse gives rides for free. I'm talkin' about my penis.

Sexual Harassment Panda 270 9
04/22/2004 02:00 AM

What, and you let kids ride it too?

Chickens- the Garden Center's Bitch 286,326 61
04/22/2004 10:44 AM

That way, if a car drives up on the sidewalk, it will you and not her.



WHAT?!!! YOU WANT MY POOR ONE ARMED HANDICAPPED DAUGHTER TO BE AN ORPHAN TOO? HOW CRUEL CAN ONE OLD EVIL WOMAN BE?!!! </top of voice near scream>

Daggy 86,684 14
04/22/2004 11:18 AM

Although I haven't commented on this thread so far.... I would just like you to know that snot has involuntarily left my nostrils at great speed.

Whistler P. McManus 185,899 44
04/22/2004 11:47 AM

Best one-armed kid meets old lady story EVAR!



I feel bad for all you mothers. Everyone always scrutinizing whether or not you're a "good mother."



When you're the dad, all you have to do is go to the store with the kid (and leave the mom at home) and everyone thinks you're some kind of saint. They're all ready to smile and help you and you could be the worst father in the world, but isn't it just great that you're TRYING?

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/22/2004 11:52 AM

I think it would have been great if the Old Lady had stolen the candy-bar and you guys got stopped by security on your way out.



You could have been all "She was holding my hand the whole time, how the Frost can my one-armed child steal anything, Emerson!" then they would feel bad and let you go...



Come to think of it, that would work in jewlery stores, music stores, adult bookstores....the list goes on and one...

Kittunchops 24,428 11
04/22/2004 12:20 PM

Kittuns- Somthing bad will happen if that dosent become your funniest post.



Done and done.



So apparently you guys liked my "Folding Kittens" and "One Armed Child" schticks.



Now if I could only combine the two...



*Folds a one armed child holding a kitten

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/22/2004 12:27 PM

I just realized how hard I'm laughing at Barbies arms being ripped off, a child with one arm, and a GABBER that made an old lady cry.







I'm a morbid bastard. Definetly a morbid bastard.

$pe¢iª£ þrøwnie$ ­­® 339 9
04/22/2004 12:33 PM

The morbid bastard would be the one who invented this ride...







forgive the pop-up....i couldn't get rid of it...

DeadMike 3,390 10
04/22/2004 12:40 PM

There was a teenage boy out in the parking lot gathering shopping carts.



i don't think he thought it was funny. they just hire retards to gather shopping carts, and they always look like they're smiling, what with the enormous tongues and all.

You left it where? 211,379 32
06/15/2004 10:05 AM

She's old too. They havent done anything for you... but you have to think, you were a little harsh on that woman.



Sorry, Tom, nothing personal, but WHO THE Frost CLICKIED THIS BITCH?

Lizzie Borderline 4,212 10
06/15/2004 10:14 AM

Oh, my old name. I missed it. Like the embrace of a warm friend in a summer rain.

Lizzie Borderline 4,212 10
06/15/2004 10:15 AM

I'm thinking about the douche commercials again.

You left it where? 211,379 32
06/15/2004 10:17 AM

One of my most fervent hopes is that some day I'll say something so incredible inane that TTJ will rip me a new one.







Um....I make poopie in my pants?

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/15/2004 10:19 AM

Um....I make poopie in my pants?



Yeah, so does my one armed 3 year old. Try harder.

You left it where? 211,379 32
06/15/2004 10:22 AM

I did try harder, and now I have a hemorrhoid.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/15/2004 10:26 AM

So, how is your morning going?

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/15/2004 10:31 AM

I only ask because I'm sexually attracted to you. I think we should get together for a movie and some rough Frostin'.

You left it where? 211,379 32
06/15/2004 11:17 AM

Great, thanks. Now I have to find that scatological link to get that Frostin' orange image out of my brain...

Fratberry 282,615 53
09/08/2004 12:30 PM

This is the best Snickers ever-coated with the sweet tears of a stranger.



One of the best lines ever on ZUG.

TTJane-New, Improved, and Old Fashioned 173,958 15
09/08/2004 12:36 PM

Frat, I don't like to toot my own horn. Hell, if I had a horn and I could, I'd never leave the house. But that's not the point. But this is one of my favorite threads. Not just because of all the clickies I got. But there are a lot of people who have a post in this thread as one of their funniest ever. Good times.

brody smells like teen spirit 43,090 12
09/08/2004 01:01 PM

Best.thread.evar.



TTJ you deserved every one of those clickies. Just for having a poor one armed daughter, you saint, you martyr.



Pity clickies for everyone!

brody smells like teen spirit 43,090 12
09/08/2004 01:02 PM

Oh and I forgot to add, you funny funny lady.

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
06/25/2005 07:16 PM

I thought of this thread a few weeks ago. When my kid was born in February, my father had been sick with leukemia since late July. He was told in July that he'd be lucky to live six months, so by the time Eric was born, Dad was, as he liked to say "living on borrowed time" (he loved quoting the Bible- he thought it made him more Godly).



Airlines don't allow babies to travel before they are seven days old, so on his seventh day, we were booked to fly home to introduce him to his grandfather. We spent a week there, and then about five weeks later, my father died, having reached his goal of meeting his 13th grandchild.



So, we flew home for the funeral. But in April, they can't bury people in New Brunswick, because the ground is still too frozen. So we had to fly back again on the May long weekend for the burial.



On that flight, some old guy sitting near us asked how old he was. We said he was three months old, and that this was his third time flying to NB to see his grandparents. The old guy starts going off on us. "SHame on you! He's much too young to fly. His grandparents can come to Toronto to see him! What are you thinking."



When I explained what had been going on, the look on the guy's face was awesome. Message for old people: MIND YOUR OWN Frost-ing BUSINESS!

Kittuns Krispy Kritters 44,835 9
05/10/2006 07:33 PM

Bumping for Millie to read.

TopHatSnake 3,333 10
05/01/2010 01:54 AM

bump, because it needed it.

Madness 4,366 10
05/01/2010 02:09 PM

That's a bunch of horse Shakespeare.
If you can't use your kids as meat shields, then what's the point of having one?

TableTopJane 173,958 15
05/01/2010 02:21 PM

Wow. It's strange to think about how many things have changed since I wrote this. Sure, I'm still a bitch and my kid still only has one arm. But nothing else is the same.

So, tell me truthfully - when I die, is this thread all you people are going to remember about me?

That's What She Said 27,383 24
05/01/2010 02:23 PM

Well, this and your Eel song.

Zolton Under Glass 88,158 34
05/01/2010 02:41 PM

Jane, you must realize that us only remembering you for only thread is just... how to say it -- baloney.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
05/01/2010 02:57 PM

Awesome zolton. I would give you many orbs but my iPod touch won't let me