Chickens- the Garden Center's Bitch 286,326 61
04/22/2004 01:43 PM

<action> waits for the doorknob story

Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
04/22/2004 01:45 PM

I once stood barefooted in the kitchen uncorking, yet another bottle of wine, when it slipped from my grasp, and landed right on my bare foot breaking my big toe.

KChiki - The UNIVERSE's sexiest N00b! 127,991 98
04/22/2004 01:48 PM

I'm going to go ahead and pipe in with the "boyfriend accidentally slipped it in the butt" injury.



I couldn't sit right for a week.

Original Recipe Sexual Harassment Panda 181,718 70
04/22/2004 01:50 PM

You do realize that he only told you it was accidental, right?

Fratberry 282,615 53
04/22/2004 01:52 PM

We had just moved into a new house. The washer and dryer I owned were only about two years old but the dryer had one of the older style electrical cords. Basically there's a difference in the prongs. I went to Home Depot and purchased what I thought was the right cord. Intead I had purchased one for an oven and I didn't know it until I had it hooked up to the dryer.



So I go back to Home Depot and actually read the description on the package. I got the right one this time. When I got home I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and plug it into the outlet to make sure it fit before I wasted my time hooking it up to the dryer.



FOOM!



Small flame. Big blue spark. Seems that metal leads, even when not touching, can create quite the party when plugged into a 220 outlet. Circuit box? What's that? I actually had enough stupidity left in me to reach back over and unplug the beast.



Needless to say it worked. And the dryer fit conveniently over the melted, blackened spot in the floor that used to be linoleum.



To this day I still don't have a lot of feeling left in the fingertips of my right hand. I'm a freakin' genius.

salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
04/22/2004 01:53 PM

Meathead had swiped his dad's acetylene torch.



"What are we doing with that?" I asked.



"Hot knives!" he said holding up a chunk of hash.



"Cool!" says I. (Truth be told I preferred a joint but it was his dope so what can you do?)



The process was simple. Heat knives on torch until they glow white hot. Touch knives to hash, squish while bringing up to face, inhale. Repeat until stoned.



Only by my third hit of that most excellent Moroccan blonde my space/time perception and judgment had become clouded.



I have a small butter knife shaped scar on my bottom lip and Meathead has a odd mark on his foot from where the flame of the torch burnt through after I kicked it screaming "mother-Froster!!!!!"



We did not burn down the garage. That was just a coincidence.

PuggyD 48,304 12
04/22/2004 01:57 PM

When I was in third grade I was still afraid of the dark. My room was at the end of a hallway; the only light switch to said hallway was at the beginning. And my parents insisted that I turn it off before going to bed.



So one night in an effort to escape the monsters, I decided that I would turn off the light, then run down the hall, turn into my room, and jump into my bed and get under the covers before they could fangoriously devour me.



It almost went according to plan, except when I jumped, I overshot the bed and landed on the other side, on top of my Nintendo controllers.



I broke my humerus, which is a shoulder bone, but really isn't very funny.



The worst part is that the next day was the roller skating party I had won for my entire class by winning at 4 corners last time I went to "Skate Country" and then I had to miss it while everyone else who had two functioning arms went. Even though *I* won that party and it was Frost-ing mine, dammit.

Original Recipe Sexual Harassment Panda 181,718 70
04/22/2004 02:05 PM

Oh, and when I was about 14, it was cool to fill your mouth with the gas from a disposable lighter and then blow it out and light it, mouth-torch style.



I forgot to blow, and I burned the eyelashes off of my left eye.

Toonces 514 10
04/22/2004 02:06 PM

During pledging for a fraternity my freshman year we had a party in which pledges had to come up with skits and perform on-stage in front of everyone at the party. Being succeptible to stage fright, a freshman in college and a pledge, I decided to get socially lubricated before my performance. A liter of vodka later, I find myself on stage, smashing myself in the head with a beer bottle.



People start laughing, then I look up and all the laughing stops. I hear an "Oh my God!" I look down again and I see a steady stream of very thin blood. Long story short, I wanted to stay and party, but others forced me to go to the hospital and get 7 stitches in my forehead.



On the hospital report, the Doctor's reccomendation was: Drink in moderation.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/22/2004 02:10 PM

Ingredients:

Three bricks.

One two by four.

One eight-year-old child (me).

One Schwinn stingray (sans gearshift)

One poor rolemodel



...oh!

One large building.



Results:

One broken bicycle.

One broken arm.

One emergency-room visit.

Two angry parents.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
04/22/2004 02:11 PM

In grade school we were playing touch-tag on a volleyball court. I was it, and was chasing somebody. I threw my hed back calling on my last bit of strength to tag the person, when i ran into the pole for the net. I split my chin open, needing a couple of stitches.

$pe¢iª£ þrøwnie$ ­­® 339 9
04/22/2004 02:13 PM

For some reason, I always seem to have the home keys indented on my forehead.....i just don't understand









asdasfouin;awleiofsanslak dasfl;k





ouch.....

PuggyD 48,304 12
04/22/2004 02:17 PM

One time a few years back we were talking about the 3 Stooges, and I was trying to describe that one stunt where one of them pulls their leg back way far like they're winding up for a pitch and then kicks his other leg out from underneath himself.



And I was just as bad at describing it then as I am now. So instead I went to kind of demonstrate it, but my follow-through was too good and I actually successfully did it, landing flat on my back on the pavement. Hurt like a mother but it looked really cool.

sharribarri 14,124 11
04/22/2004 02:39 PM

deja vu

Chili McChillChill 8,880 12
04/22/2004 02:47 PM

Walking through the back yard at my house. 15 years old.



Not looking where I was going, I stepped on the tongs of a rake, which sprang up and wacked me in the forehead. Horrible pain.



I looked around to make sure no one was watching me, because of the awful, comedic embarassment of this imitation of a Buster Keaton movie. Or a Simpsons script, whichever you prefer. Kept looking as I walked back to the house, and STEPPED ON ANOTHER DAMN RAKE. Wacked me in the head again. Even more horrible pain.



If you look in my garage today, 15 years later. You will find one rake. Only one.

KatsMeow 2,401 10
04/22/2004 02:47 PM

I once threw my boyfriend off the bed accidentally while we were having sex and he broke his arm when he landed on his bowflex.

salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
04/22/2004 02:54 PM

I once had sex on a Bowflex...



























































fine.... with.

Try Aimless as a sandwhich spread! 54,807 10
04/22/2004 03:02 PM

The husband and I were going at it with the video camera. We have the kind if camera that you actually have to hold up to your eye and I was holding it. Well we are trying to be all creative and sexy (AKA: trying to not look stupid) and I go to move and didn't realize I was on the edge of the bed, lose my balance, fall to the floor and hit my head on the corner of the armoir. All while the camera is still going. Ben is laughing his ass off and I am bleeding all over the floor. On the video you see my feet fly up in the air, a quick shot of Ben looking shocked and then the floor. Then the camera gets picked up and you see me checking to see if it's okay, only my mascara is smeared, and there is blood on my face.



Saldley, its still the best quality porno I have ever seen.

studio 2,001 10
04/22/2004 03:20 PM

I pulled my groin... still do.

MrPeg 260 9
04/22/2004 03:54 PM

There's two for me:

1: Was testing my new airsoft pistol to see it's pain qualities. I'd tested every part of my bdy except for mouth, eyes and bare genitals. (the spine hurt the most). I decided to test my tongue next, this gave quite a nice tingly feeling across my tongue, next i tried my teeth.....



Cue me falling to floor going "BREEDING OW!!" and having a tingly tooth for an hour. It was extra sensitive for a few days then it just shattered when i was eating a sandwich. On the plus side though, I got to look like a hillbilly for a few weeks.



The second injury:

I have a penchant for diving over things, this prevent to be my (long) downfall. I was walking home with a mate (slightly inebriated i may add) and spied a wall about 5 feet high. I thought, "ah, a nice invigorating vault". Ran to it and vaulted it in one.



All my mate saw was me go over then a true movie "AAARGHHHH" which went on for quite a while, accompanied by crunching branches then a KLANG.



The wall i'd jumped was 5 foot on my side, 30 foot on the other.... I'm the luckiest sonuvva in the world the there was a nice young, springy tree there to slow my fall, not so lucky that there was a big metal skip against it.. I broke my finger and bruised my coxis (sp?) and ego..

Mr_PeaCH 253 9
04/22/2004 04:04 PM

I'd tested every part of my bdy except for mouth, eyes and bare genitals. (the spine hurt the most). I decided to test my tongue next, this gave quite a nice tingly feeling across my tongue, next i tried my teeth..... <hilarity ensues>...



Yes, yes, fine. But how did it go with the eyes and genitals?

ringworm 68,315 13
04/22/2004 04:04 PM

Stupidist injury



next i tried my teeth



you win. that makes my teeth hurt just thinking about it.

Marilyn 12,471 13
04/22/2004 07:04 PM

One time when I was really mad and typing an email, I hit the "D" key really hard.

Briham 38,843 10
04/22/2004 07:17 PM

A couple weeks ago, I decided to try this trick I learned in scouts. What you do is take a matchbox, and hold it with the striking surface up. Then you hold a match, head down, on the box with your same hand. Using your other hand, you flick the match, causing it to light as it flies out of your hands. Unfortunatly, my aim was bad and I flicked the match into my hand. Strange thing was, it didn't hurt too much; it was actually the smell of burnt flesh that made me drop the match. The area of the burn was white in the center and black on the outside.

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/22/2004 07:20 PM

white in the center



Well, pork is white when it's cooked...

Briham, Stewie's Worst Nightmare 38,843 10
04/22/2004 07:23 PM

Another time, my dad got a new car, so I was checking out all the features and what not. I tested the cigarrette lighter, and for some reason, I decided to see if it would still be hot when the coils were no longer red. It didn't occur to me how stupid this idea was until I touched it. I ended up with a huge, round blister on my thumb.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/22/2004 07:27 PM

A few years ago, I was jumping up and down on my bed, which is against the wall, next to the closet door. After one especially high bounce, I came down too close to the edge of the bed, one foot missed, and I slipped and fell down and forward, my eye landing squarely (and hard!) on the closet doorknob. You can imagine it was hard to explain how that happened.

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
04/22/2004 07:28 PM

Tell the truth, it was your Brown Eye wasn't it??

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/22/2004 07:30 PM

I was just thinking, I could totally flood this thread with all the stupid, idiotic ways I have injured myself. Like the time I got in a fistfight while getting off the train. I walked away relatively unscathed, but the combination of adrenaline and bravado overcame me, and once I was home I was so pissed off that I didn't give the guy the ass kicking he so deserved that I punched the wall and broke my wrist.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
04/22/2004 07:30 PM

No, Trixxie is the one with the doorknob fetish.

Marilyn 12,471 13
04/22/2004 07:43 PM

My wrist hurts. And no I have not been masterbating.

something clever 386 10
04/22/2004 07:44 PM

Have you been masturbating?

Marilyn 12,471 13
04/22/2004 07:45 PM

Not with my left hand.

PatTheGreat 948 9
04/22/2004 07:54 PM

I'm a pretty careful guy, and I don't get hurt much. So, my only really embarassing story is from when I was 4 (and a half!). . .



My brother had got this really cool MicroMachines playset/world/thingy for little cars. It started off as a big toy car, but unfolded into a awsome little playset for mini cars. Being a car, it had wheels. So, I was bringing it into the living room to show off. To do this, I was leaning against it and letting the wheels do the work. All was well until I got to the end of the hallway.



To seperate the hallway dirt from the living room dirt, there was this little raised bump in the floor, probably no more than 1/8th of an inch high.



ONE FLAPPIN' EIGTH INCH HIGH!!!



Kinda like a speed-bump I suppose. So I was rocketing down the hall, when I hit the speedbump. The car thing stopped, me and my chin didn't. In fact, we didn't stop until I got to the hospital, where all I got was a wimpy little butterfly bandage for my split-open chin. (A freaky band-aid type thing, but hospital-grade).



On a related note, I apparently did the same thing about two weeks later, except on a slide this time. Don't really remember the incident, though.

Phuc 237,915 21
04/22/2004 10:30 PM

Hmmmm...



Cruising down the byways of Eatontown NJ. Bob Gory was driving, I was throwing firecrackers out the window. One blew up in my hand and give me two blood blisters the size of nickels...stacked three high.



Eleven years old at the dirt mall in Englishtown. Bought my first butterfly knife. In the car on the way home as my father is saying, "Be real careful with that thing," I flick it open. On my finger. Two stitches.



Then there was the time I was dancing naked and making a cucumber salad...

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/22/2004 11:29 PM

I got a papercut. Man, funny story behind that one.

Briham, Stewie's Worst Nightmare 38,843 10
04/23/2004 12:10 AM

A couple of years ago my mom decided to get hardwood floor for our house. I found that it is fun to slide around in the hallway with my socks on. Unfortunatly, since the floor was new, there was still some splinters in it. One day I was sliding around, happy as can be, when I hit massive splinter. It was 1.5 - 2 inches long. It literally pinned my sock to the bottom of my foot. I had to carefully pull the sock off and then somehow unhook the sock from the wooden stake impaling my foot. I managed to do this with some difficulty and so I moved onto the splinter of death. Unfortunatly, it broke in half, and the other half was embedded too far in for me to give it out. So I decided to tough it out. About a week later, while running in wrestling practice, it started to hurt a lot more than usual. Apparently it was becoming infected since it was in there so long. I told the trainer about what happened, when he suggested I try to get the rest out again, which I finally managed to do later that night.

Declan McManus: The ice in Lila's sweet tea 131,869 36
04/23/2004 02:51 AM

I was unpacking my first food processor. Barefoot.



The Steel Knife ("S" shaped blade) bounced out of the box, landed on my right toe, cut it open.

Fartpuppy - Now turning girls into lesbians 5,142 13
04/23/2004 02:56 AM

My girlfriend was on top of me and she was leaning over me and her necklace swung out and hit me in the eye. I had "severe conjunctivitis" and had to start my final exams the next day, so I was blinded while trying to write essays.

Sexual Harassment Pizza 270 9
04/23/2004 03:13 AM

I have a tendency to fold my toilet paper squares too small, misjudge the location of my Emerson and accidentally, my hand becomes the wiping instument. Along with that, I tend to eat chocolate bars when I'm sittin on the john...you can tell where this is going...



I made myself sick enough that I vomitted until I had a six-pack.

Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
04/23/2004 03:47 AM

Looks like the clickie to pain ratio seems to have dropped way off, but this one is way too Frost-ing stupid to leave off.

I was about 17 and in our driveway washing my car in a hurry before some Fri Night activity. My car was black and the sun was still up so I was washing a section, rinsing it then moving on to another section to prevent soap spots etc... I had one of those lame chrome water pistol hose attachments on the hose, and just finished rinsing a section and when I dropped the hose, it landed on the lever, and it began squiggling through the air, and shooting water all over. I got soaked a few times and decided I needed to gain control, so I grabbed the hose about fifteen feet down from the nozzle. Well it was shooting around like a kite on a short string when it made a big roundhouse orbit, came around, and brained me right between the eyes. I literally woke up with water falling from the sky, and blood running down my face. I gathered my thoughts, (or someone smarter than I) and went for the main water valve before going in and examining my new clown nose.

NavyBoy 19,912 12
04/23/2004 04:34 AM

I was two years old, and had just finished watching Superman for the first time. Naturally, like any kid... I now believed that I could fly.



Did I stand there, arms stretched upward, frantically jumping up and down like all the other kids had surely tried? Of course not, everyone knows that doesn't work.



I grabbed one of my dad's t-shirts and tied the sleeves around my neck... now I had a cape!



I then climbed up onto a table and, knowing that simply jumping up would not work, I dove. Yes, I dove. Possibly one of the most graceful dives you ever could see.. until my face collided with the very hard, linoleum floor.



Broke my upper jaw... split it from one side to the other... the front half (yes, it's now in more than one piece) was pushed down and backwards, overlapping the back part which, thankfully, was still connected to the rest of my skull.

deenky, creating confusion worldwide 164 10
04/23/2004 04:36 AM

When i was about 15, i was spending the night at a friends house and we decided to sneak out to meet some guys. I thought i heard bats and started running, i tripped over a tree root and broke my arm. Not only that, but i got grounded for a month for sneaking out.

superchicken 6,678 0
04/23/2004 04:41 AM

i took 4 seperate 2 dose 'samples' of acid at a dead show. to trade for other illegal intoxicants of varying degree. in the same day.



i wound up trying to make love to the top of a tent, thinking it was a cloud, with a severe headache.

superchicken 6,678 0
04/23/2004 04:42 AM

and i know it's not hard to believe after i did that, it really happened.

superchicken 6,678 0
04/23/2004 04:46 AM

at least, that's what i remember. for all i know, i could have been passed out in a car in compton. hey, it was a lot of drugs, and it started at santa monica. and i was high as Frost.

Sexual Harassment Pizza 270 9
04/23/2004 04:52 AM

I thought it would be funny to send a video of me dipping my balls in lighter fluid and lighting them on fire, to my exgirlfriend. I got some pretty nasty Frost-ing burns and had to come up with a good explaination to give to the paramedics. And to top it all off, the video got posted on some Frost-ing website.

superchicken 6,678 0
04/23/2004 04:56 AM

steev-o already lit his balls on fire, and party boy lit a smoke off it.



or the other way around.



it was funny last month, before i heard about it.

Sexual Harassment Pizza 270 9
04/23/2004 04:58 AM

They did?

superchicken 6,678 0
04/23/2004 04:59 AM

ya, it was cool.















but it wasn't on tv.

















in africa Shakespeare.

superchicken 6,678 0
04/23/2004 05:02 AM

it might rock over that, for personal effect, but it was done.

Sexual Harassment Pizza 270 9
04/23/2004 05:04 AM

Let me guess...someone else has already stuck a match in the end of their penis and lit it by blowing fire on it...

MrPeg 260 9
04/23/2004 02:14 PM

Oh, and how could i forget, my childhood injury due to my own genius:



I was around 9/10 months old. My mother was in the garden hanging out the washing. I was in the kitchen in my baby-walker. Like any baby i wanted to be near mummy, so kept trying to go out the open door. However because we had some steps just outside the door my mum had install a wheel stopper (a 2 inch high bar) acroos the base of the door frame. This just left me charging backwards and forwards into it without getting past.



Then i had a baby-brain-wave. I charged to the door and at the last moment hoisted my walker up into the air. This got me outside and running. Now my main problem was not being able to walk on my own...

All my mum saw was me trip and fly from the walker, bouncing down the stairs (concrete) on my head. I split my skull and had to be rushed to hospital. Due to me still being a growing baby, i now have a 1/3 inch valley accross my head... thankfully with my hair long i can hide it but with shorter hair i look like a bean..

Try Aimless as a sandwhich spread! 54,807 10
04/23/2004 02:35 PM

When I was 16 or so we lived in a split level house. I was watching TV in the basement when my (teen-line baby!) telephone in my bedroom started ringing. Horrified at missing a call I shot up the first flight of stairs and was rounding the banister for the next flight when I miss judged the distance and SLAMED into the banister hard enough that it knocked me to the ground, and cracked that part of your pelvic bone that stickes out in front. My mom saw the whole thing but made me lie on the ground for like 5 minutes so she could finish laughing at me.

Maspuce 6 9
04/23/2004 02:45 PM

When I was just I little boy, I was jumping on my bed, my mom walks in my room and says "stop jumping on the bed, you're going get hurt." Just as she said that, I fell and smashed my face on the headboard. Three stitches later I don't jump on the bed anymore.

Cherry Binaca 74 9
04/23/2004 02:58 PM

Entangled my knee in the loops of one of those ubiquitous plastic shopping bags that was laying in wait for me upon the floor...panicked as would a beaver in a steel leg-hold trap and jammed my toe straight into the floor. Broke it, naturally.

godot 15,434 11
04/23/2004 03:37 PM

I used to do a lot of urban "mountain biking." I ramped a few cars and could lift over the hood of a car pretty easily.

Anyway, one night around 2 or 3 am I was messing around in a construction area. There were huge concrete pylons and strewn about - perfect for riding along them and jumping from one to the next. Anyway, I had been at it for a couple of hours and I discovered a perfect ramp.



So I started at the end of it and peddled like mad. I figured it would take me at least 30 to 40 feet if I lifted it right.



Upon ramping I lifed. My pedal stirrups snapped and I found myself rising above my bike. So I pulled the bars up quickly - and since the bike was losing momentum the front wheel was pointing down. As I jerked up on the handlebars the bike rose above me. I let go and tried to correct myself, but it was too late. I landed flat on my back. 1/2 a second later my bike landed on top of me.



Now if you've ever REALLY injured yourself you'll know what I'm talking about here. I started to do physical inventory. Wiggling toes and fingers then hands and feet. At this point my body started to feel all creepy crawling.



I thought nerve damage. I was wrong. I had landed in fire ant bed. The moment I became completely aware of the situation - they stung. I threw the bike off of me and started dancing around like a mad man trying to get the ants off. I was failing miserably cause they were under my clothes at this point. So I stripped naked dusted myself off with my clothes then banged my clotes on one of the pylons.



It wasn't until three days later I started to feel the back pain.

Jacobpants 13,437 11
04/23/2004 04:44 PM

Maspuce, are you a monkey by any chance?

Cherry Binaca 74 9
04/23/2004 04:46 PM

I think they prefer the term "Simian American"...

8-pack slack gripper 1,768 12
04/23/2004 04:48 PM

Just this morning I dropped a 400g bar of Toblerone on my toe which seems to be swelling up nicely. It's fractured. I can take or leave chocolate but Toblerone is worth all the pain.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
04/23/2004 04:49 PM

I like simian on my waffles.

Jacobpants 13,437 11
04/23/2004 04:54 PM

The stupidest way I've hurt myself happened when I was in the fourth grade. All the kids on my street were playing hide and go seek one afternoon, and I went outside to play with them. I was too lazy to put on shoes with ties so I just shoved on snowboots and went out. I hid in a tree, and when it came time to run to the base I jumped down. When I jumped down my boot got caught in the tree, and I hung there for a few seconds, breaking my ankle, then I fell to the ground.



My second worst happened 2 fourth of Julys ago. I was chasing Jakey around inside the house barefoot, and I slammed my second littlest toe on a kitchen chair. It was crooked and loose, so my mom took me to the hospital. I was the only one with a non-fireworks injury there.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
04/23/2004 04:55 PM

Toblerone is worth all the pain





My my my my my my my...what a delicate littl' flower you arh!

Mr. Slinky 28,185 10
05/11/2006 09:46 AM

Sorry to bump this but I had to tell my own story.



I was probably about 15 or 16 when this happened. Two friends of mine and I were at the local swimming pool in my town. I, being the daredevil that I am, was going off of the diving board when doing all the stupid crazy Shakespeare I do. You know, the usual backflips, front flips and gainers.



So one of my friends suggested trying a double front flip. So being the dumbass that I am, I tried it. I knew that I would have to launch myself faster and harder for a double flip. So I ran off the diving board, jumped as hard as I could, and tucked my knees in and wrapped my arms around me legs.



Except when I tucked my knees up I guess I put a little too much "oomph" into and smacked my knee into my head. It hurt like Shakespeare, so after my failed attempt at doing a double flip, I got out of the pool. I reached up to rub my head where it hurt, and it felt that it was indented. I dented my own Frost-ing skull.



I was spitting up blood loogies for a week.



Link SFW.

Dogs Akimbo 211,379 32
05/11/2006 09:58 AM

Being at a party in someone's basement, with girls, I got stupid*.



Someone was having trouble hitting the dartboard, so I took it off the wall, stood 8 feet in front of them and said, Try it now!



Yep, ended up with a dart in the wrist.





* I'm hoping it's going to wear off in a few more years.

LLLLLLLLL 48,662 14
05/11/2006 10:10 AM

Mine involves smoking, which I no longer do. Not because of the lung cancer, but because of the burns.



Once, as I was getting out of a car, I was also taking a drag off of my cigarette. I shouldn't do two things at once, because I am clumsy. I hit my head as I was standing up, and ended up shoving the cigarette across my face, leaving a nice trail of burned fleShakespeare was pretty.

Fratberry 282,615 53
05/11/2006 10:12 AM

I was trying to photocopy my ass at work years ago when the glass broke and I fell into the copier.

LLLLLLLLL 48,662 14
05/11/2006 10:15 AM

Another time. Not smoking-related. Working the hot a la carte line in a busy hotel kitchen. Someone orders a half-rack of lamb. I turn on the burner. Put the clarified butter in the pan. Reach into my fridge to get the lamb. I am out. Shakespeare. I have to run to the back of the kitchen to get some from the walk-in. By the time I get back, unwrap the lamb and toss it into the pan, the clarified butter has been there for way too long. I knew this, but still, I casually tossed the lamb into the pan.



The mutherFroster exploded. All I remember is a big ball of fire coming at my face. Owie!



At least this was one of the more compassionate chefs I ever worked under. He let me go for a smoke break to calm myself down enough to come back and finish service before going to the hospital for treatment of my burns.

LLLLLLLLL 48,662 14
05/11/2006 10:16 AM

What I'm getting at here is that I wasn't always this grotesque. Smoking and cooking did it to me.

Fratberry 282,615 53
05/11/2006 10:17 AM

Its always a good idea to attempt to calm down from a fireball by SMOKING.

Poppy Flowers 1,784 9
05/11/2006 10:33 AM

On my 14th birthday, I ran full pelt into a glass door that I thought was open.



I broke my nose and blacked out. Blood everywhere.



Also, last week: I was putting on my jeans, managed to get both of my legs into one leg of my jeans. I had about two seconds of realisation of what I'd done, and what was going to happen before I fell sideways onto all the junk by my bed.

I'm still bruised.

Special Kakester 55,555 14
05/11/2006 12:11 PM

I slipped and fell one time, and my erect penis got stuck in a cat's ass.

Phla - 8008 = 5310000 131,064 34
05/11/2006 12:12 PM

Frat, how'd you get Kake's password?

Fratberry 282,615 53
05/11/2006 02:19 PM

It was pretty easy to CRACK.

That's MRS. Lila to YOU, buster!! 78,550 13
05/11/2006 02:25 PM

Back on topic, stupidest injury I've ever inflicted on myself is headbanging to SOAD.

Chickens N Sweet Brown Rice 08 286,326 61
05/11/2006 02:29 PM

A. Huge Motorcycle

B. Kilt

C. Wreck

D. Broken leg

E. Kilt up around chin and splayed all over a tourist ridden scenic highway.



I win.

Crisp SAVIOR, CraniumWeirdo 4,599 8
05/11/2006 02:40 PM

One moment, I was untangling a knot in my knecklace with a bobby pin, and the next, I had somehow rammed in through my finger.



I was so ashamed, I gleefully skipped class.

<b></b> 203,956 21
05/11/2006 02:45 PM

A hangover.

gobadine 2,737 10
05/11/2006 02:52 PM

When I was younger I boiled an egg in a microwave, I thought I was being clever by placing it in a cup filled with water first.



Opened the door, put a cold spoon into the water to fish the egg out, and it exploded scalding my forehead with Hot egg shell, Hot egg and boiling water. I had to go to hospital and wear a stupid ice bandage for a few days, then apply this dumb cream on it for a month until my head recovered. Yet I still retained my boyish looks.





Like the big dude in Goonies.

luv muchine 115 7
05/11/2006 06:03 PM

STAPLER BITE!! I slammed one of those basterds in my arm and it must have burred when it hit the bone because when I pulled it out it tried to take my arm with it. Wehn i did get it out it bled like a garden hose.

Hypnotoad 3 7
05/11/2006 06:19 PM

When I was about 8, i had an "I can fly!" moment while on the swings. I swing as high as possible, then launch myself off, expecting to land gracefully on my feet with a carefree smile. Not so. I soar about ten feet headlong, before landing squarely on my arse. I sat there for about 10 minutes, convinced I had crippled myself for life, or at the very least broken my butt. Thank god for the rubbery bones of youth.

Gorshack 41,132 13
05/11/2006 06:32 PM

Jesus, Pram...I hate to say I've done that, too.

---



In seventh grade, my buddy developed a means of testing which of our friends was the biggest man and not in the Coleridge sense of the word.



He placed an old Micro Machine on the ground, stepped on it and dragged it a few dozen feet until it was hot and then held it on the back of someone's hand. The longer they withstood the heat, the better.



After calling our friends pussies for the little bit of time they took the heat, I gleefully let him scrape that toy car across the ground for about 2 blocks before pressing it into the flesh on the back of my hand.



It sizzled. It got really red really fast. Then it puffed up for most of the day before oozing all night long.



A week later I had a wicked cross shaped scar that took about 6 years to fade.



I was the biggest man. And the dumbest, but those are the sacrifices it takes.

luv muchine 115 7
05/11/2006 06:59 PM

Thats nothin'. Have you seen "Saving Private Ryan". Yeah i was the guy walking around looking for my missing arm towards the begining of the movie.

larkknot 3,359 10
05/11/2006 07:27 PM

I seem to be alone in the world in never having seriously injured myself. My worst injury to date is commonly agreed to be the "stupidest way I've ever heard of anyone getting whiplash" by health professionals.















A crowdsurfer landed on me. Frost-ing chubby chick.

dead otter 345 8
05/11/2006 07:57 PM

Once in college, I folded a blanket and Mr.Wiggly caught a static electric zap it right in his only good eye.



Not Kidding, it was like a hot needle, so don't fold blankets in low humidity.

Sage of Seattle (Relentlessly convivial) 36,465 8
05/11/2006 08:20 PM

Okay, this story isn't quite as painful as watching Pram trying to be funny, but it's close.



This is when I was in grade school. I wasn't the most agile kid around, but I liked to swing on the monkey bars once in a while. At our school, there were two sets of parallel bars; one lower one for the wussies younger kids, and one that was probably six or seven feet off of the ground. I remember that they had to pass around supplemental oxygen to anyone brave enough to swing across.



Anyway, once I decided to try traversing those bars. But that wasn't enough -- I had to try and reach for the bar that was several feet beyond my grasp. So I jumped towards it and caught it, my body making a beautiful arc as I swung away from my starting bar. I remember thinking how totally cool this was. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I must have decided that my ride was over when I was at the peak of my arc. In other words, I was almost parallel with the ground at this point, when I let go of the bar.



I landed in a half-sitting position, with both of my arms partially behind me, as if I was supporting myself on my hands. I was stunned for a few seconds and slowly stood up when my right wrist started throbbing and quickly turned into an ice pick stabbing into my wrist bone.



I had suffered a compression fracture and wore a cast for about six weeks I think. And since I was right-handed, I got out of writing a lot of homework. As a kid, I remember that both my cast and the fact I could duck out of homework made me a hero for approximately 32 hours.



Then they all wondered when I'd shut up.



Which means that everything went back to normal again.

DinoExplosion 1,743 8
05/12/2006 01:47 AM

A few years ago I went to my uncle's house for a fourth of July barbeque. Normally I just sit and count the minutes until these little family gatherings are over, but this time I realized that I couldn't take listening to any more of the stupid small talk and family gossip.



So after sitting through a painful hour of my grandma and aunt talking about which slot machines are the best at the local casino, I decided to get up and hijack the trampoline from the little kids. The trampoline was set up in the back yard, where the grass was all wet from an earlier watering.



As I flopped around by myself, I considered that it might be more fun to have a jumping partner. Accordingly, I started calling out to some of my cousins, trying to goad them into joining me. A small crowd gathered at the edge, but I had no takers. When I saw that nobody wanted to jump with me, I yelled: "Fine. You guys are faggots." To which they replied by yanking the trampoline out from under me as I reached the peak of my next jump. My only chance at salvation was to do the crazy arm-windmill thing. I should have learned to fly, but I ain't got wings. The result: A badly bruised shoulder because I am top heavy and too lame to turn my fall into a cool Jack Bauer safety-roll.

Dianapop 57,804 108
05/12/2006 02:11 AM

The only thing that comes to mind is this: When I was about 8 years old, my family was looking at new houses to move in to. I was testing the hallways and steps of one house by running away from my little sister, giggling like crazy. I turned my head back to see how close she was, still running, and as soon as I turned my head back around *SMACK* I ran straight into a windowsill. My height was such that the bridge of my nose connected with the part that sticks out.



I had stitches for a while, and the scar is still there.

All the ladies love Briham and his Oozinator! 38,843 10
05/12/2006 02:41 AM

I've inadvertently injured my little brother in dumb ways. One time, I pissed him off and ran. I got through the porch, into the yard, and ran into the garage. A moment later, I heard a loud thump. I continued running back into the house when I heard crying. It seems little Scotty had slipped and ran face first into the brick wall next to the door leading into the garage.



Years later, when I was in high school, I once again maimed my little brother. We were wrestling, and he somehow ended up in a sitting position on my back. I decided the best way to get him off was to buck like a horse. He flew foward and face first into the ground. His front teeth cut a hole through his lower lip and he ended up having to get stitches. It looked horrible. His lip got swollen and turned blue and purple. The unsightly stitches and scabbing didn't help either. And the next day we had our pictures taken for our passports.

All the ladies love Briham and his Oozinator! 38,843 10
05/12/2006 02:43 AM

Whatever happened to Gabe?

Humphrey 51,764 12
05/12/2006 02:48 AM

Gabes' 'Spider Fight' thread is one of the funniest here. And the movies are still hosted.

Pram Sandwich 80,705 42
05/30/2010 11:27 AM

I stapled my thumb.





































It hurt.

Pram Sandwich 80,705 42
05/30/2010 11:27 AM

Back on topic, stupidest injury I've ever inflicted on myself is headbanging to SOAD.





*points and laughs*



Ha-ha.

Pram Sandwich 80,705 42
05/30/2010 11:27 AM

I masturbated with shampoo as lube.























I peed fire for a week.

Pram Sandwich 80,705 42
05/30/2010 11:27 AM

HA HA.



Go back to your shampoo lube.

Pram Sandwich 80,705 42
05/30/2010 11:27 AM

You should do that car thing again, that was cool too.

___________



Another stupid thing I did, was sit like a frog. It distorted my legs as I was approaching adolescence, and caused me to become knock-kneed.



To this day, I still stand like a frog.