Chaudair 109 9
04/29/2004 08:11 AM

I had a whole MAD magazine article dedicated to puting the "fun" back into FUNerals... but my mum chucked it out. That bitch.

Frogtacular 173,153 25
04/29/2004 08:43 AM

Why don't you two have any kids yet?

"I can't quite remember.. it's either a hatred of vomit, a hatred of Shakespeare, or a love of blissful independence.. Let me get back to ya, k?"



he's never had this job before so he's not looking forward to this at all

I hate heavy lifting too.



inappropriate things I could consider shouting

"I changed my mind! Let's make a baby.. right here, right now!"

Crazyballs 11,888 10
04/29/2004 08:47 AM

inappropriate things I could consider shouting



"Who's going to give me the money that sonofabitch owed me!?!"

Bankey 70,843 10
04/29/2004 08:58 AM

I think you're supposed to elbow all the senior members of your family and say "you next!"

Chit4Brainz 178,742 15
04/29/2004 09:05 AM

In line with what Crazyballs suggested, try:



"I always loved you Gramps, but I have waited this long to have kids like you asked, and I must say, it was worth every bit of the $250,000 you promised to leave me"

Chickens- the Garden Center's Bitch 286,326 61
04/29/2004 11:05 AM

Go up to the casket at the wake. Cry a lot. Make a scene. Throw yourself over the casket and slip this inside.





Then go back to your seat and cut loose every time a blue hair walks by the coffin. Cut loose later as they are lowering the casket as well.



Comedic funeral history I tell you.

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/29/2004 11:25 AM

First, sorry to hear about your grandfather.



Every time the minister or priest or whatever says something say "You honour, I object!"



Tearfully say "Weddings always make me cry!"



"I wish grandpa was here. He always loved these things. Where is he again?"



Go up to the casket and shout "Hey, who is this lady?"



"Because (insert your boyfriend's name here)'s equipment doesn't work, you insensitive bitch!"

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
04/29/2004 11:27 AM

Heh - I love you Lloyd.

Also, thanks for the sympathy. Surprisingly, you're the first in this thread to express it.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
04/29/2004 11:30 AM

I'm sorry for the loss of your Grandfather.



However this might be the perfect opportunity to tell everyone that your cousin Earl is in the closet, and that you promised Grandpa that you'd wait until after his passing to tell everyone.

Therlin 12,200 13
04/29/2004 11:31 AM

Will is reading Stan's will at the funeral:



WILL: "To someone whom my second wife, Karen, always held in such regard and spoke of with great affection..."



GRACE: Oh, my God, that's me.



WILL: "Grape Antler."



[KAREN TURNS AROUND AND SMILES AT GRACE.]



WILL: "I leave you my life-sized oil painting of Karen so you never have to be far from her."

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
04/29/2004 11:33 AM

Once i got about halfway through the recieving line at a wake, when i realized that i had been saying "Congratulations" when shaking their hands.

butternuts 14,362 10
04/29/2004 11:37 AM

Wednesday morning my aunt Sarah died

Not many had known her not many had tried

There at the funeral we all sat and lied

Saying how much we missed her



You wanna known about Sarah where do I begin?

She had this growth to the left of her chin

Let's all be honest she was ugly as sin

No one recalled having kissed her



But the choir sang and the family wept

The preacher preached and the children slept

We all wore black and we paid our respects

And all in all it was a very fine (very fine)

All in all it was a very fine funeral



We stood at the grave for a minute or two

Straight faced and solemn like good mourners do

But we all felt relief when we heard Uncle Lou

Stand and say "That's enough, I'm freezing!"



Sarah was never the neighborly kind

Sure she had a mean streak 10 miles wide

But the truth was she smelled just like something died

Now she's got a reason....

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/29/2004 11:38 AM

Part-way through, leave the church in tears. Then, burst back in, screaming, running up the aisle, with a set of jumper cables in your hand, saying "I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU YET GRANDPA!"

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/29/2004 11:45 AM

You can blame butternuts for inspiring me to post this:



Oh the night that paddy murphy died,

Was a night I'll never forget.

Some of the boys got loaded drunk

And they ain't got sober yet.

As long as the bottle was passed around,

Every man was feeling gay.

O'Leary came with the bagpipes,

And music for to play!



As Mrs. Murphy sat in the corner,

Pouring out her grief,

Kelly and his gang came tearing down the street,

They went into an empty room

And a bottle of Whiskey stole,

They put that bottle with the corpse,

To keep that whiskey cold!



Two o'clock in the morning

After emptying the jug,

Doyle rolled up the icebox lid

To see poor Paddy's mug.

We stopped the clock so Mrs. Murphy couldn't tell the time.

And at a quarter after three,

We argued it was nine.



They stopped the hearse on George St.

Outside some damn saloon.

They all went in a half-past eight

And staggered out at noon.



They went up to the graveyard

So holy and sublime

Found out when they got there,

They'd left the corpse behind!



That's how they showed their respect for paddy murphy,

That's how they showed their honour and their pride.

They said it was a sin and a shame,

And they winked at one another,

And every drink in the place was full,

The night Pat Murphy died.

DeadMike 3,390 10
04/29/2004 11:46 AM

my sincere condolences; my own grandfather meant lots to me.





i would walk around whistling "dixie" as loudly as possible. that song offends almost everyone.

Chili McChillChill 8,880 12
04/29/2004 11:48 AM

My wife's grandmother is a Southern belle, though she lives in Phoenix now. She is shocked, yes, shocked, that the sound of Dixie doesn't stir my proud Canadian heart to revel in Southern greatness.

butternuts 14,362 10
04/29/2004 11:50 AM

I was at an open-castket wake last night.



The desire to poke is hard to resist.

Chickens- the Garden Center's Bitch 286,326 61
04/29/2004 12:00 PM

Give a long eulogy, often calling him daddy, then correcting yourself, grandpa. Mention the family secret in an offhand way. Look at your father and say, "thanks for raising me even though...." Leave podium in tears. Give hateful stares at your mother.

Honey Barbeque Sexual Harassment Panda 181,718 70
04/29/2004 12:05 PM

Lila, my sincere condolences.



I think you should develop a severe case of Turrets Syndrome during the funeral. Yell out random words:



Toast!



Buttlick!



Hard-on!



Moon!



And then cry all hysterical like.

DemoMonkey. Marching on Paris. 166,252 10
04/29/2004 12:07 PM

Lila



Please allow me to express my condolences.



As for what to do, I have a little experience with this. Two words.



Groucho glasses.

Chickens- the Garden Center's Bitch 286,326 61
04/29/2004 12:12 PM

Halfway through the service shake uncontrolably then "channel" his ghost. Admit to infidelities with the organist. Claim to be ther real father of half the black children in town. Admit to several unsolved local crimes. Announce that Grandma has been doing the dog for years so she forced you into it.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
04/29/2004 12:12 PM

I hate, hate, HATE open-casket wakes. How creepy is it to stare at the dead carcass of someone you once loved?

On my deathbed I'm going to record a message to be played at my funeral telling everyone what I REALLY thought of them.

It wil start something like, "Whooooo, I'm speaking to you from beyond the graaaaaavvveee! Heh, just kidding. Hey, Rhonda, I never told you this but everyone thinks you're a total Carroll. Especially you're husband. Who's gay. Who's banging your brother."



You get the idea.

Iceman, now a n00beteran 2,131 10
04/29/2004 12:50 PM

Pretend to answer the cell phone and yell... "No! I want the 250G's for the cocaine by next week! Or I'll be going to another Frostin funeral again!"

Pezzoni 112 9
04/29/2004 01:19 PM

Necrophillia jokes always go down well at funerals.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
04/29/2004 02:42 PM

You could hide behind the casket, making the lid go up and down, while making snoring noises a la Fred Flintstone.

SAVIORA 666 10
04/29/2004 04:48 PM

Yell "Faker!"

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
04/29/2004 04:57 PM

Cunduct a survey about whether he went "north" or "south".

Marilyn 12,471 13
04/29/2004 08:45 PM

Lila, is your whole post the pain speaking because I hope it is.



Else you're a monster.





Just kidding.



So what did you end up wearing?

DeclanMcManus: I Love Lunchw00f 131,869 36
04/30/2004 07:18 AM

Your wish, et cetera.



(search SuXoRs).

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
04/30/2004 07:27 AM

I have no idea what Mare was saying but it would be oh so lovely if she accompanied us to breakfast this morning.

I think they serve Bloody Marys and those awful orange juice concoctions.

DeclanMcManus: I Love Lunchw00f 131,869 36
04/30/2004 07:32 AM

I have no idea what Mare was saying



She usually has no idea, either.

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/30/2004 01:10 PM

If you grab my casket with your hand, i'll be in a smiley shape... and i'll wear women's undergarments

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/30/2004 01:11 PM

Crap, me and my friend are both logged in here, and it's coming as the same IP address... I hate school systems.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
04/30/2004 01:18 PM

Lloyd, I would like you to know that your jumper cable suggestion popped into my head at a very inopportune time and I had to stifle a smile.

Grandpa prolly woulda liked that one anyway.

Bedlamite 701 9
04/30/2004 02:33 PM

"I hope I die in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and frightened, like his passengers."

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/01/2004 01:13 AM

Dragging my "dead" thread (pun intended) back up to bring this point up:



Llunch Llady Lloyd

4/23/2004 11:57 am

I stopped thinking death was funny earlier this year when I watched a man die a horribly painful death.



Never have I been so happy about a Gabber being a hypocrite.

Phuc 237,915 21
05/01/2004 09:58 AM

C'mon Shel. Did you take any Shakespeare from the triple-chin, poodle-haired set for showing up childless? Inquiring minds want to know.



I had a brush with death yesterday that changed my life. It truly chilled me to the bone! That on top of yesterday's Boston Herald headline and I'm ready to crawl into a cold dark hole for a few years.



..except there's a great rerun of Chappelle's Show on tuesday.

Bad Donkey 19,242 12
05/01/2004 11:35 AM

If someone ever asks you "Why don't you have any children yet." Just respond with "WHy don't you mind your own business, you nosy cow?"

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
05/01/2004 03:30 PM

Good catch there Lila.



OK, death is funny. Watching someone die not so much

Spicey McHaggis 117,736 36
05/01/2004 03:35 PM

I killed a man just to watch him die.



It wasn't quite as funny as I thought it'd be.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/01/2004 05:37 PM

Actually, Al, we were fortunate in that no one asked why we hadn't decided to breed yet.

Those of you reading that through the swear bot will now be under the impression that my fiance and I have abstained from fornication over the past 2 years to which I will respond with...





...well of COURSE, you silly! What am I, some slut who has premarital sex or something?

Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/01/2004 05:38 PM

No comment.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/01/2004 05:43 PM

And just why, then, did you bother posting that?

Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/01/2004 05:45 PM

I have no recollection of that senator.

Crazyballs 11,888 10
05/01/2004 05:48 PM

What senator?

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/01/2004 05:48 PM

The rumors of my sluttiness have been greatly exaggerated.

Whistler P. McManus 185,899 44
05/01/2004 07:15 PM

Sorry about your grandfather, Lila.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/01/2004 08:17 PM

You know what I've found consoles me really well?



Clickies to my posts in this very thread!

Hey, this will most likely be the only opportunity I have to cash in on a dead grandparent. I'll take what I can get.

lilbunnyfoofoo 37 9
05/01/2004 11:04 PM

frankly, im appalled that you would even be asking ppl to give you suggestions on how to mock your dead grandfather. you deserve to die!

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
05/01/2004 11:05 PM

Oh feck off.

Neep, have a hoppy easter. Hoppity. Hop. Shoot me. 35,066 15
05/01/2004 11:12 PM

Lilbunny, you havn't made a very good start to your time her at Gab. Alot of people love Lila. Go set yourself on fire.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 12:24 AM

<action>blinks in surprise

Are you saying that...that YOU like me, Neep?

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 12:27 AM

Oh, and as for that bunnypoopoo person I don't give a flying Frost what you think. Obviously you didn't do any homework on this site before going through the effort of registering and subsequently posting.

I will quote from their profile:



Funniest Posts: Has not really said anything funny.



Yup, I think that pretty much sums it up.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 12:02 PM

I'm not letting this thread go until I know if Neep likes me!

Whistler P. McManus 185,899 44
05/02/2004 12:36 PM

Well I like you, Lila, and Neep likes me. Is that good enough?



And by "like", I mean "think about when I touch myself."

Bedlamite 701 9
05/02/2004 01:16 PM

frankly, im appalled that you would even be asking ppl to give you suggestions on how to mock your dead grandfather. you deserve to die!



And then, we could all go to your funeral, and start another string like this for stuff to say at your funeral, and then LilBunny will tell me to die, and then another string for my funeral, and so on.



Don't bash LilBunny. Look at the potential for ongoing funny she has provided us, while not having a shred of humour within herself. Kudos, canojes!

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 01:30 PM

Good points to both Whistler and Bedlamite.



And if that n00b dumbFrost who popped in last night happens to pop back in I have an equation for you to study and memorize:



Tragedy + time = comedy



Oh, and you would have REALLY hoped we would have all died if you had found this place about a week after 9/11.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 01:33 PM

I have also now noticed that every single post to this thread, even the ones just saying, "Sorry for your loss" have a clickie which is just plain weird.



What the maha fairy have taketh the otto fairy have given back.

Bedlamite 701 9
05/02/2004 01:34 PM

Read <a href='http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&thread_id=42148#929399'>

Bedlamite 701 9
05/02/2004 01:35 PM

I know, I know. No link.

Bedlamite 701 9
05/02/2004 01:36 PM

Read this about Prophecy. It explains the clickies.

Bedlamite 701 9
05/02/2004 01:37 PM

Hooray!! My first link!!

Bedlamite 701 9
05/02/2004 01:37 PM

And, I'll bet I get clickies for this mundane crap.

Swizz O'Sluttery 3,957 10
05/02/2004 04:33 PM

Much worse than the "Why don't you have children yet" thing is when they say "So, where exactly IS your kids dad?"

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 05:00 PM

Yowza! Turns out Ms. Sluttery really IS slutty!

TTJ says Llama-nator kicks ass. 173,958 15
05/02/2004 05:07 PM

So, I guess this means your grandma is available again. She still have all her teeth? Can I get her number? My grandfather is lonely.

Spicey Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/02/2004 05:47 PM

You know what I've found consoles me really well?



Clickies to my posts in this very thread!

Hey, this will most likely be the only opportunity I have to cash in on a dead grandparent. I'll take what I can get.







Done.

Swizzberry Shortcake 3,957 10
05/02/2004 06:03 PM

Lila, I'm a single never-married mom. Of COURSE I'm a slut. Duh!

Swizzberry Shortcake 3,957 10
05/02/2004 06:04 PM

By-the-by, my condolences to you and your family on the loss of your grandfather.

Lila as Tyrone Biggums 78,550 13
05/02/2004 11:17 PM

Thanks, Ms. Shortcake. I like that name better anyway because it makes me hungry.

You're all (for the most part) a huge lot of sweeties and it's nice to see I can count on you all for humor in a life crisis.

Lunchbox with tha mad oral skillz, yo. 14,650 10
05/02/2004 11:24 PM

i think an 80s teen movie slow clap would be appropriate for the lowering of the casket.

Ham-fisted super hero 77 9
05/02/2004 11:24 PM

Start loudly talking to the corpse about long story about your day, then part way through, stop, say "Oh. Whoops." and look all embarrassed.

Neep, have a hoppy easter. Hoppity. Hop. Shoot me. 35,066 15
05/03/2004 02:53 AM

Of course I like you Lila.

*Blows kiss*

Charles The Great 0 0
05/03/2004 01:37 PM

The further down I go the less votes people get and after staying up all night to read everybodys comments I think I know why!!! DAMMIT! I just spilled coffee all over the key boared...

Charles The Great 0 0
05/03/2004 01:44 PM

A list of things that might be innapropriate

1) raising the roof

2)asking the family "what time does this thing get out?"

3)checking the corpses pockets (even for money)

4)bringing a six pack

Charles The Great 0 0
05/03/2004 04:09 PM

5) Would definitely have to be don't talk about sexual experiences you may have had with the deceased person... Before they were dead I mean...

Kettlechip 71 9
05/11/2004 05:26 PM

First off, my sincerest condolences. I lost my grandfather last week, myself.



But I have found there's no other way to break the tension than to have someone clap during the eulogy.

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
05/11/2004 05:48 PM

"You know, I would have, but the coming of the anti-christ isn't schedualed for another ten years."



and then, like, I would totally go to Hot Topic and get a wicked dark neclace and some kewl stickers...

Crazyballs 11,888 10
05/11/2004 05:49 PM

STICKERS!?!

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
05/11/2004 05:53 PM

Damn skippy...

studio 2,001 10
05/11/2004 06:33 PM

That reminds me of a joke...

A baby seal walks into a club.

Lila: Gab's Token Fag Hag 78,550 13
05/11/2004 06:59 PM

I want some credit for giving people the opportunity for the most full pee tubes in Gab history.

Lila: Gab's Token Fag Hag 78,550 13
05/11/2004 07:05 PM

There's still some time left for us to engrave that on Grandpa's tombstone too:



Lila's Grandpa

Providing the most full pee tubes in Gab history

Llunch Llady Lloyd, Bobbing for Johnsons 48,662 14
05/26/2004 03:34 PM

You know, I've always wondered why Lila said that she was surprised that I was the first to offer condolances. Is it because she expected more of you all, or less of me?

DeadMike 3,390 10
05/26/2004 03:37 PM

Only three days until the one month anniversary of this thread!

DeadMike 3,390 10
05/26/2004 03:38 PM

It occurs to me that the term "one month anniversary" makes no sense whatsoever.



Sorry, please continue with teh funny.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
05/26/2004 03:40 PM

How about Luniverary?

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
07/21/2005 08:23 PM

So, as I've posted on this Gab thing before, my father passed away in March. His funeral was on my favourite holiday, April 1st. I gave the eulogy. In the spirit of this thread, I was tempted to start by saying "APRIL FOOLS! HAHAHAHA! Get up Dad, we got 'em!"



OK, I wasn't really tempted, but the thought crossed my mind, and I felt amused and guilty all at once. Amuilty.

supergrover 4,517 9
07/21/2005 10:46 PM

My friend was at a funeral when she was but a wee one, but she remembers it quite well.



The minister is talking and talking, and finally the moment comes for them to bow their heads in silence. Silence descends. Suddenly from the back of the room comes, 'pop, slurp'. Apparently one of her relatives couldn't wait for the service to end and opened a can of bud. Oh yeah, it's miller time.

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/22/2005 12:36 AM

Amuilty.



And now you're pumping his cold dead body for clickies.



I, for one, salute you, Sir.

Release the One Legged Space Chickens 286,326 61
07/22/2005 10:19 AM

<action> re-reads own posts from a year ago



That guy is a frickin genious.

Little Irish Lila 78,550 13
07/22/2005 10:21 AM

Me too!

Release the One Legged Space Chickens 286,326 61
07/22/2005 10:36 AM

Too bad he spells for Shakespearee.

LLLLLLLLL 48,662 14
05/10/2006 02:32 PM

Wait, can I bump this one instead?

gobadine 2,737 10
05/10/2006 06:44 PM

Has anyone done gag about the large stiff yet?



Always goes down well at a funeral.

Jelly tipped Neep 35,066 15
10/31/2007 01:35 AM

I love Lila!

King Pubah, Scary Potentate of Dead Threads 56,794 18
10/31/2007 02:14 AM

<action>Suddenly appears, dipps Neep and deeply soul kisses her...</action>

It's MY job to resserect dead threads!

*Though Pubah enjoyed it emensly, that was the worst punishment I could think of*

Jelly tipped Neep 35,066 15
10/31/2007 02:31 AM

Dipping is cool.

If you're Jack O'Neill.

Ichabod Joe: The REAL Sleepy Hollow Hero 6,067 8
10/31/2007 03:52 AM

I've ordered my family to have a cookout instead of one of those awkward, uncomfortable lunches with the sandwich wraps.

Oh, and I also asked for a Viking funeral.

Lila Has A Spawn Growing Inside of Her 78,550 13
10/31/2007 03:58 AM

I've gotten funnier over the past 3 years!

Pram Or Treat! 80,705 42
10/31/2007 08:57 AM

"I'm still pregnant, and it's his!!!"