Briham decided it's time to stop kicking HPoStewie 38,843 10
04/29/2004 10:24 PM

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/29/2004 10:25 PM

A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. There was one lady in front of him. She ordered a chocolate cone.



The soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. She said, "OK, then I'll have some chocolate."



He told her, "Lady, I'm out of chocolate."



Once again she said, "OK, I'll just have some chocolate."



Exasperated, he said, "Lady, spell VAN as in vanilla."



She spelled van.



He said, "Good, now spell STRAW as in strawberry."



She spelled straw.



He said, "Good, now spell Frost as in chocolate."



The lady said, "There is no Frost in chocolate."



He replied, "That's what I'm trying to tell you."

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/29/2004 10:27 PM

A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer."



The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"



To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your Coleridge?"

Briham decided it's time to stop kicking HPoStewie 38,843 10
04/29/2004 10:28 PM

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceras?













Elephino.

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/29/2004 10:30 PM

An English country gent is walking through is estate when he comes across a local farm girl naked, spread eagled in a little grove of trees.



He looks at her beautiful young body and says "Are you game??"



"Oh yes!" she replies with a voice full of passion and lust.



So he shoots her.

Chaudair 109 9
04/29/2004 10:36 PM

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender: "I'll have a beer thanks, and one for the road."

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/29/2004 10:37 PM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."



Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Vanilla Dew 891 10
04/29/2004 10:39 PM

Two atoms are talking.



Atom 1: I think I lost an electron.

Atom 2: Are you sure?

Atom 3: Yeah, I'm positive.



Ahaha...haha... WOO. Because the atom... and positive... and... yeah.

Briham decided it's time to stop kicking HPoStewie 38,843 10
04/29/2004 10:54 PM

Three dogs are walking down the street, a dalmation, a golden retriever, and a chihuahua. They see a hot poodle all three start trying to hook up with her. She tells them "I'll go with whoever can use liver and cheese in the best sentence possible"

The Dalmation says "I like liver and cheese."

"That was lame" says the poodle.

The retriever tries next. "I really like liver and cheese."

"You suck, go away" says the poodle.

Finally the chihuahua goes. He looks at his rivals and says, in a mexican accent, "Liver alone, cheese mine"

DeclanMcManus: JaneY's table topper 131,869 36
04/29/2004 11:03 PM

<action> in a truly, truly deemented Cheech Marin way:





"Here, leezard, leezard."

Briham, Self Proclaimed King of the Pig n00bs 38,843 10
04/29/2004 11:29 PM

A hot blonde and Queen Elizabeth die on the same day. At Heaven's Gates, they argue over who gets to go into heaven first. St. Peter tells them to do something hot. The blond lifts up her shirt and shows him her incredible breasts. The queen starts douching herself. St. Peter tells the old monarch to go in first. The blond protests, saying "How can you let her go in first? That was disgusting"

St. Peter replies "Sorry, but a royal flush beats a great pair anyday."

The Llama-☼-nator 7,194 10
04/30/2004 12:09 AM

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?



Notcho cheese.

The Llama-☼-nator 7,194 10
04/30/2004 12:10 AM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging up which reads:



Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00



Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to an attractive women serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.



"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"



"I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"



"Yes," she purrs. "I am."



The man replies, "Well wash your freakin' hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The Llama-☼-nator 7,194 10
04/30/2004 12:23 AM

I apologize. The previous post should have read "sammich" instead of sandwich.

Bedlamite 701 9
04/30/2004 02:04 AM

A man comes home from work one day and says to his wife, "Honey, you know how I've always wanted to stick my penis in the pickle slicer at work?"

The wife says, "Oh, you didn't!"

"Yep, I'm afraid so."

"Well, what happened?"

"I got fired."

Surprised, "Well, what about the pickle slicer?"

"She got fired, too."

Tlaxcatl Returns 1,423 10
04/30/2004 02:34 AM

A blond walks into a dry cleaners and says to the clerk "can you get this stain out?" the clerk, who is hard of hearing asks "come again?" the blonde giggles and replies "no silly, it's vanilla sherbert with a sprig of mint"

The Llama-☼-nator 7,194 10
04/30/2004 02:40 AM

An Alaskan comes roaring into a service station on his

snowmobile, with oil leaking out from under the cowling and

a huge cloud of blue smoke. The attendant walks up and says,

"Looks like you blew a seal."



The driver quickly draws his hands across his mouth and

replies, "Uh, no, that's just frost in my moustache."

Briham, Self Proclaimed King of the Pig n00bs 38,843 10
04/30/2004 02:44 AM

"Blew a seal" reminds me of this

sharribarri 14,124 11
04/30/2004 12:17 PM

One long, hot, day the english class was having a sub. All the students didn't want to work, so the sub said whoever could use the word fascinate in a sentance would have a free class.



The first kid, a resident ofthe local trailer park, raises his hand and says "It fascinates me to see clothes got round and round and round in the clothes dryer."



The next kid, a mexican, says (in an accent of course) Hey Man, it be like fascitating to see my mother make the corn tortillas."



The third kid, a brother from the ghetto says, "Yo, my mom bought me a nine button coat, but I could only fascinate."

IceFTSdonttakemeseriouslyman 2,131 10
04/30/2004 12:20 PM

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?

Linoleum blownapart.