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I have a B.Sc. in Electrical and Computer Engineering, and I'm not even from India! Sure, I'm unemployed ... but I think having that degree is pretty prestigious. Something that really annoys me is people who don't understand what an Electrical/Computer Engineer does. Here's a fairly typical conversation I have with family and friends:
Them: Sometimes I get an error message when I open my spreadsheets. How do I fix it?
Me: Can I see the error message?
Them: You mean you don't know what the problem is? You must be a terrible computer engineer.
Some of you probably don't see the problem with that conversation; I hate you.
So, to set things straight, I've decided to explain to you all what I do, so you can help me find a job.
I can design electronics. For example, check out these phat skillz:
See that! That's a capacitor and a, um, squiggly thing. And that's just off the top of my head! Just imagine what I could do if I was trying to design something useful! (Of course, I don't know what a real capacitor looks like. I just draw pictures.)
Despite my B.Sc., I've been considering applying for manual-labor type jobs. A few years ago, I worked some warehouse jobs. The good thing about warehouse jobs is that, if it's unionized, you get paid pretty decent wages. There are some office workers with Ph.D.s who get paid less than guys driving forklifts, even though the average forklift driver only has a Masters degree. And, if the warehouse job isn't unionized, you can star in the next Michael Moore film. It's win-win!
Unfortunately, I have a genetic condition that prevents me from doing manual labor (I'm white). So I thought it might be good if I compiled a list of jobs I would like to do. Keep in mind that these are jobs I'm completely unqualified for ... but I think I'd be good at them.
Newspaper Columnist
I have strong, controversial opinions that will sell newspapers ("If fat people get to have two seats on airplanes, then midgets should have to pair-up in a seat"). And, thanks to dictionary.com and Microsoft Word grammar check, you can hardly tell that me be illiterate. Throw in a thesaurus and I sound downright educated, knowledgeable, well-informed, well-read, sophisticated, skilled, learned, erudite, and scholarly.
Mad Scientist
I love science and I want to take over the world. What more could you ask for? Plus I hate Batman.
Sitcom Writer
I think everyone pretty much agrees that sitcom writing reached perfection with Seinfeld. Ideally, Seinfeld plots should just be repeated with different actors. Imagine Chris Rock: "What's the deal with that mother-Frosting pharmacist being one Frost-ing foot higher than you? What the Frost makes him so important?"
Pornographic Movie Producer
I would aim for the adolescent market by dubbing the sound track from National Geographic films over existing porno movies. When the kid's mother came to check whether he was doing his homework, she would hear through the door, "Dolphins are so intelligent that, if properly trained by IBM, they can beat Gary Kasparov at chess." She would never know that her sweet innocent son was really learning about the bare-breasted tribes of San Fernando.
Some of you may be wondering why I submitted this serious and factual description of my job qualifications to The World's Only Comedy Site. It's because I desperately need a job and I know that smart, intelligent, clever, bright, gifted people (such as yourself) read comedy websites. Please hire me! I will dance for nickels!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
117 votes
5.0
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29 Comments on "Jobs I would Like to Have"
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Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744  10
05/25/2004 11:26 AM
<action>throws panties on stage</action>
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John Hargrave 128,751 73
05/25/2004 11:26 AM
"Unfortunately, I have a genetic condition that prevents me from doing manual labor (I'm white)."
Clicks for that one alone.
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Gavvo 1,789 12
05/25/2004 11:29 AM
<action>searches desk drawers for nickles</action>Damn pennies!!!
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Fratberry 282,615 53
05/25/2004 11:35 AM
gifted people (such as yourself)
Heh.
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
05/25/2004 11:36 AM
That would be a five microfarad capacitor connected to a five ohm resistor. I don't have a masters, just a 900 hour certificate of completion in a computer electronic's course!
So there's a fifteen day backlog for the articles? Good to know.
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Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
05/25/2004 11:41 AM
I may be able to help with the evil scientist thing.
I currently have two ideas for weapons that would hold the earth hostage.
1) An Earth polarity reversing machine "the Pol-o-matic 3000"
2) A devise that will absorb all the energy in the univers (or multiverse, as those crazy science folk are calling it these days) "the Absorbotron"
Please contact me for roughly drawn sketches.
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Gopher 570 10
05/25/2004 12:11 PM
Apply for a job at the local unemployment office. You seem to have oodles of experience in that department.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
05/25/2004 12:21 PM
Great article Bob!
"That's a capacitor and a, um, squiggly thing."
I'd love to know what all those funny letters mean; it's all Greek to me.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
05/25/2004 12:31 PM
I am never going to write another article. Bob Johnson just schooled me.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
05/25/2004 12:48 PM
Can you build me an Interoceter?
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
05/25/2004 01:46 PM
I don't know, DR, I think I'd rather have him build a Flux Capacitor. He'd get his Mad Scientist cred, and still be using his degree.
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Sheldwyn 14,626 9
05/25/2004 01:56 PM
Go work for Toys"R"Us, you'll be over qualified and under paid (so what else is new?). And your boss will be some kid who barely graduated highschool and makes alomst twice the amount you do. All he does during his shift is play xbox games and ignore customers.
After that act of desperation, manual labor is a breeze.
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Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
05/25/2004 01:57 PM
I used to work at Toys 'R' Us. It's actually kinda fun. We used to have Pallet-Jack races in the back storage room...
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Sheldwyn 14,626 9
05/25/2004 02:40 PM
Pallet jack races ARE fun. so is tossing ball around the store after hours. Or taking the demo "Chicken Dance Elmo" outside an re-enacting the fax machine scene from Office Space. But I still don't like the company any more.
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Fratberry BobJohnson 282,615 53
05/25/2004 04:11 PM
Pallet-Jack races
Huh. Must've been a really close bunch of guys.
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Pat The Great 948 9
05/25/2004 07:39 PM
Hah! Nickles! I'll dance for for piles of dirt!
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Flourescent Sombrero 91,274 10
05/25/2004 07:53 PM
Pfft.. Wait til you graduate to Pallet-Jack Flatland Freestyle.
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Ice Cream Headaches 0 10
05/25/2004 08:45 PM
Good article. Mentioning Michael Moore was great. He is great.
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Freshly Microwaved FDIC 816 9
05/25/2004 09:49 PM
If you have experience with dogs, both of mine need grooming.
I'll pay you in pesos.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
05/25/2004 10:38 PM
B.Sc. in Electrical and Computer Engineering
Well, look on the bright side, at least you don't have a MS or PhD. Then you'd be retarded and unemployed, instead of lazy and unemployed.
Have you considered going back to school? Then you can work at Wal-Mart and still keep your dignity.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
05/26/2004 02:31 AM
Enjoy your clickies, you funny funny bastard.
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Ashley 44 9
05/26/2004 01:19 PM
White...hahaha.
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HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
05/30/2004 02:07 AM
I've pretty much used up all the available "boo-hoo, I don't have a job" jokes now, so I'm starting at a really crappy job on June 7th. (You can look forward to my next article, "Coworkers are fooling earthlings who don't recognize my intellectual superiority!" Notice that I picked the title in advance, before I have met any coworkers.)
In the meantime, continue sending your nickels; I haven't stopped dancing.
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LlamaMan 3 8
07/14/2004 07:08 AM
Im selling my soul to K-mart for $9 (Australian) an hour...
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Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
07/14/2004 01:06 PM
Good deal! According to my Sunday School teacher, souls are eternal, so you'll be getting $9/hr every hour for ever! You're rich!
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Teh Porn Producer: Trae, I'm in your bushes... 7,627 9
09/02/2004 04:09 AM
Pornographic Movie Producer
Now now, BobJohnson, I'm the only Pornographic Movie Producer here. You'll have to wait in line like everyone else.
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Chance 171,270 14
11/25/2005 01:58 PM
Its a BobJohnson article...so it must be funny!
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MaddMatt - Steely Eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
11/25/2005 02:18 PM
BJ, until you start including the cover sheets on your TPS reports, you will never get a job.
Nice article though.
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