I’ll be brief – A Mall Prank.
A comedy article
by Blue-Footed Boobie  21,744  10
05/10/2004 07:32 PM 485 views
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 If you've ever been to one of our nation's fine shopping malls, you have probably seen the happy-go-lucky Mall Survey People. What a glorious life, that of the Mall Survey People! Focus groups! Product testing! Annoying innocent shoppers! Most people just ignore them outright, while others mumble a quick "No" and never stop moving. I, however, enjoy taking surveys. I find a phone survey deeply satisfying, and a face-to-face survey brings me close to orgasm. I could only imagine what giving the Survey must be like. I wanted in.
So I went to my local mall and ... well, I lied. I told them I was a student at a local college who wanted to do a harmless survey of people's phobias for a psychology class. I printed up a fake "assignment" page from the teacher, along with a one-page "survey." The woman working the counter at the mall office was visibly pleased to see a young man taking an active interest in his education. Smiling, the $5.15/hour desk-jockey approved my request to administer the survey on mall property!
The harmless survey I showed her, however, was just a cover to get me a permit. The survey that I actually gave out was designed to figure out the underwear preferences of female shoppers. That's right, as a representative of the "Undergarment Statistics Topology and Information Nebulae," as I introduced myself, I was trying to find out what kind of underwear women found hot. To keep my cover, in case the elite Mall Security force decided to hassle me, I kept the fake survey on the top of my clipboard, with the underwear questions hidden underneath.
The questions broke down like this:
- What is your age?
- What is your favorite color? (Note: this question was just to get them comfortable.)
- What type of underwear do your find sexy on a man?
a. Briefs
b. Boxers
c. Boxer-Briefs
d. Thong
e. Commando
- How many pairs of underwear should a man own?
a. 0-10
b. 10-20
c. 20-50
d. 365 and never wear the same pair twice.
- Which stain is worse?
a. Yellow Stain
b. White Crusty Stain
c. Brown Stain
Throughout the better part of a day, I managed to get over 80 women to answer my stupid questions! Some of them were hot, and some of them were not. Just as in high school, a good majority just laughed at me and walked away, but most of them were good-natured and thought the survey was great. The results broke down like so:
Men: just so you know, boxer-briefs are the hottest if you're trying to bag anyone in the 15-30 year-old crowd. If the 50-and-over group is your target, then thong underwear is the ticket to some good granny loving (a fact which may give me nightmares for the rest of my life).
I also determined that no two 40-something women will ever agree on anything. As far as the stains go, just throw them out -- not one of the women said they would tolerate any stains. However, brown is the worst, and white-crusty stains are only acceptable if the women caused the stains earlier.
I also got four phone numbers, which I will never call, but which made me feel special in a non-short-bus way.
So I encourage everyone to forge some documents, lie to a low-wage mall worker, and give your own survey. It's easy, cheap, and you just might learn something ... like the fact that grannies love thongs.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
91 votes
5.0
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32 Comments on "I’ll be brief – A Mall Prank."
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Frogpop 173,153  25
06/15/2004 09:32 AM
USTaIN.
Outstanding.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
06/15/2004 09:32 AM
First to.. I mean Second ta.. um.. AHH!
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StormKat 2,051 9
06/15/2004 10:09 AM
Excellent article...
But where do my Toucan Speedo drawers fall in your underwear categories?
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Bonky 75,728 15
06/15/2004 10:31 AM
Underoos all the way, baby!
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Noob Mercenary 21,744 10
06/15/2004 11:08 AM
You didn't report how many times you were slapped, I see.
Amazingly enough, I wasn't. Even the little ol' bitties were cackling with glee...
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
06/15/2004 11:50 AM
Nice. But what do women think of blood stains?
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charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/15/2004 11:57 AM
d. 365 and never wear the same pair twice.
in other words, gay men.
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Bonky 75,728 15
06/15/2004 12:01 PM
Chi Chi, they think, "Bastard better stay outta my panty drawer!"
If I ever go on a date again and think I might get lucky, I'm wearing my Darth Maul underpants!
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ringworm 68,315 13
06/15/2004 12:51 PM
the short bus is how the retards get to school.
why weren't depends undergarments represented? i demand satisfaction!
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The Menace from... uh... Limburg 895 9
06/15/2004 01:19 PM
The way he writes down that we should try it ourselves makes it sound like it's a good idea...
When in reality asking stuff like that will get you knocked straight into next friday. I know. I've tried it before. Without the whole survey cover, but still.
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Ice Cream Headaches 0 10
06/15/2004 06:50 PM
What about the favourite colour results? If you were to combine those with the favourite type of underwear on a man, you could have the favourite colour & type of underwear on a man, all in one!
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Phlamingo 131,064 34
06/15/2004 07:01 PM
Back when I was 19 (and keep in mind, first break from college, full of independence, idealism, and general contempt for all things high school) I was walking through a mall when a clipboard lady comes walking towards me. I keep stride, as though she were Random Drunk Bum Guy asking for change.
With no preamble, she jumps in with a sing-songy voice, "Hi, we're showing movie previews to kids 13-15 years old..."
I wanted to stuff cigarettes in her mouth, run over her with a car, and scratch off lottery tickets over her dead body.
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Pat The Great 948 9
06/15/2004 07:05 PM
Menace has discovered time travel!
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Pat The Great 948 9
06/15/2004 07:06 PM
Oh, and great prank.
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Scorpion 4,080 9
06/15/2004 08:24 PM
i think i will ask.
I thought commando was no underwear, was I wrong in assuming his well known fact by most people over the age of 7 and walk upright?
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Big Chief Hammerhead 59,399 14
06/15/2004 08:29 PM
What the Frost are you babbling about, assmonkey?
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ringworm 68,315 13
06/15/2004 08:41 PM
he's answering the question that the person directly above him asked.
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Sober BobJohnson 178,045 22
06/15/2004 08:43 PM
This was a very funny prank dealie. Will you be upset if I steal it blatantly?
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Geekzilla 954 12
06/16/2004 11:55 AM
Banana hammock!
Great article, BFB.
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Noob Mercenary 21,744 10
06/16/2004 11:57 AM
I laughed my pants off!
The question that is on all our minds... What kind of Panties are you wearing?
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The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,432 56
06/16/2004 01:34 PM
You need to have a pie chart for each age group if you want to show this info.
Speaking of pie, SYPH!
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turtle10 42,555 26
07/14/2004 12:17 PM
how about what type of undies are you wearing, mever mind what they like guys to wear
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Ditdah, sick of counting 123,102 14
07/01/2005 08:02 PM
bump because he made me - um - happy - so I was reading his threads.
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Phla Mignon 131,064 34
07/01/2005 08:17 PM
I thought this was brand new! And then I saw my younger identical twin sister!
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newwave 45,912 10
07/06/2005 03:38 AM
Are you hot?
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