Everything is Porn
A comedy article
by DemoMonkey  166,252  10
05/17/2004 05:19 PM 941 views
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Everything is porn. No, really. EVERYTHING on the Internet is in some way connected to pornography. There's just no denying it any longer. We're all damned dirty humans and we're going to hell.
I write this article in despair as, for the third time and final time, an attempt to find information on the wanking superhighway has resulted in disturbing and bizarrely inappropriate links to obscenity. I'm not a complete novice at the spankerweb, I know perfectly well to avoid such words as "hot," "young," or "bunny suit" when executing a search, but that's not enough anymore. Search for anything these days, and I guarantee you will be led to images so vile they would be "Not Work-Safe" even at a Caligulan orgy. ANYTHING!
Example #1: Like most products of the North American school system, my Latin is shamefully weak: other than "caveat emptor," "corpus delecti," and "Microsoft delendo est," I'm pretty much lost. So in order to sound more pretentious, um, informed, on an upcoming presentation, I went looking for a free online translator program that would render English into Latin. AltaVista's Babelfish translator doesn't do Latin, so I did what any good netizen would do: I ran a search.
Parameters: "Latin to English" and "translator" and "free."
Results:
f**k kissing Super - Fun free f**k video clips, Free super f**k
... tight f*ck mpegs were can i find picturs of shaved vaginas black and white gay anal
Anime online latin to english translator toys Poe free: interracial blow ...
voyeur.nppsxm.com/thumbnails/f**k-kissing-super-html
I'll admit I had no idea there even WERE "gay anal Anime online toys," much less ones that would tell me how to say, "Customer satisfaction is improving steadily" in a classical tongue.
sexsites Japanerinnen sexsitesjapanerinnen...
... geschichten, sxe tattoo, sonstiges, jpeg on dvd, free clip of bukkake, close up beaver,
james jim e butts, latin to english translator palm free, best cleavage ...
garbaninfo.com/sexsites-japanerinnen.html
While the idea of a "Latin to English translator palm" has a very Gibson-esque cyberpunk appeal, the rest is both incomprehensible and disturbing. "sxe tattoo"? Further proof, if any was needed, that our friends the Japanese are deeply, deeply odd.
Example #2: I needed some info on the D-Day landing at Omaha Beach for an important historical research project. OK, it was actually for a game I'm planning to run, but that's not important right now. This time I carefully avoided using the sexually supercharged keyword "free," for all the good it did me.
Parameters: "Map of Omaha Beach"
Results:
Free action, Best of the best lesbian girls fisting dvd, lesbian
... free pics of young teen girls on atvs, a place to masturbate teenies in pantyhose,
map of omaha beach boys Real photography - spanking art boys, bra boys gang ...
blindlemonconcertlub.com/spanking/best-of-the-best-lesbian-girls-fisting-dvd.html
I have to admit, this site I almost visited. "free pics of young teen girls on atvs" and "bra boys gang" had a twisted "Roger Corman meets Seymour Butts" vibe that was nearly irresistible. But what followed this one was truly worrisome:
Best of the best movies, asian interracial kissing, interracial
asian interracial kissing - Best adult links. asian interracial kissing.
Hot hard chat interracial cuckolding, interracial swinger ...
blindlemonconcertlub.com/spanking/asian-interracial-kissing.html.html
Why is this worrisome? Simple. This result doesn't even have any of my keywords! How is that even possible? Is there so much porn out there that search engines have to ASSUME you want some, regardless of what you're actually looking for? Does my computer believe that, as a history buff, I'm desperately in need of "hot hard chat"? Are there really that many people interested in "interracial cuckolding"? And who the hell is the "blind lemon concert club" anyway?
Example #3: Now I had a point to prove. I would pick the subject I thought was LEAST likely to generate an obscene response and see what came up. I decided to use someone who represented goodness and purity in modern times. Maybe, just maybe, I could find a clean response, and prove there was still hope for the species.
Parameters: "Mother" and "Theresa" and "pictures"
Results: Blessed. Mother. Theresa.
breed my frenchie...
... Hilton Morisson died in that Paris hotel room Mother Theresa's sisters of ... polymer
pearl river resort and casino peter howson sisters of mercy pharmacy conrad ...
paris-hilton--portal.com/sitemap-20.php
alt.sex.necrophilia.mother-theresa usenet newsgroup binaries...
... providers, search engine, music, musica, binaries, binarios, pictures, imagenes,
anonymous ... alt.sex.necrophilia.mother-theresa newsgroup is available for our ...
usenet-binaries.com/directory.asp?group=alt.sex.necrophilia.mother-theresa
Enter now to all of celestes pictures at cum fiesta...
... cum fiesta-evelyn-venus-as-a-toy cum fiesta-website-photos cumfiesta and-theresasexkey cum ... all of celestes pictures at cum fiesta a mother, brother was too ...
all-of-celestes-pictures-at-cum-fiesta.dwoq.com
gallery eel sex - Eel Sex Gallery
... Frost me sally!", Mother Theresa unh..... as ... go back I the best porno on the net
animal sex gratis theory That Free Beastiality Xxx Pictures - meeting There ...
passwordscutwomen.com/gallery-eel-sex.html
In fairness to the worldwidewack, the first 800 responses (give or take) were perfectly valid results. After 800, however, it was all Paris Hilton, necrophilia, cum fiestas, and eel sex.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I have to go wash my eyes out with fire.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
103 votes
5.0
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22 Comments on "Everything is Porn"
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0 votes
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
06/03/2004 04:38 PM
"I have to go wash my eyes out with fire" is now my favorite signoff line of all time.
I predict it will be only two weeks before I steal it.
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Pat The Great 948 9
06/03/2004 04:43 PM
2 weeks? Wow. Even the condom-mobile has a better response time.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
06/03/2004 04:52 PM
"Caligulan orgy"
I read this as "Calgarian orgy" and thought, "I've GOT to make a trip to Canada!"
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TEDphat 6,408 9
06/03/2004 05:06 PM
Shorty, that is disgusting....and completely true.
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Pat The Great 948 9
06/03/2004 05:07 PM
So, how much is airfare?
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DemoMonkey, CSB. 166,252 10
06/03/2004 05:22 PM
John
Glad you liked it, and good editing. But you left out one of the best lines!
Of course, that means I can always re-use it...
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KatsMeow 2,401 10
06/03/2004 05:45 PM
Doing a Google Image search on Mother Theresa, I came up with this.
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StormKat 2,051 9
06/03/2004 06:19 PM
Excellent article!
"You'd be surprised what a grizzled cod fisherman's wife can do with her tongue."
Some people have very vivid imaginations. Now I must hum Jingle Bells to myself unti the image goes away.
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superturkey 6,678 0
06/03/2004 06:24 PM
demo is that where you've been all month? hammering out an article?
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
06/03/2004 07:50 PM
Strict SafeSearch is on. Typed in Poe, and would you believe this came up.
Your right; porn is everywhere
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Mayo Clinic Is My Daddy 246 9
06/03/2004 07:58 PM
I gotta get me some of this "internet" action.
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Crazyballs 11,888 10
06/03/2004 10:48 PM
demo is that where you've been all month? hammering out an article?
Or hammering out something else.
Well done, Demo.
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Demetrius Constantinoplis 158 9
06/04/2004 03:18 AM
Hey, what IS wrong with porn?
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TEDphat 6,408 9
06/04/2004 03:25 AM
Whats wrong with porn? I'll tell you, there is just simply not enough of it.
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Big Chief Hammerhead 59,399 14
06/05/2004 12:39 AM
sxe is what all us cool kids just out of high school are. It stands for Straight Edge, if you are sXe it means you do not have promiscuous sex, smoke cigarettes, or drink alcohol... no illegal drugs either.
Oh, you're those kids that wear all the goth/punk/piercings, et al., and you listen to hardcore Christian Rock, but you aren't all that cool, except for your clique.
Then what the hell kind of fun is that? If it hadn't been for cigarettes, sex and occasional booze, I wouldn't have made it through my Senior year.
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peter eater sucks 1,850 10
06/05/2004 12:52 AM
CONFORMIST!
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DemoMonkey, CSB. 166,252 10
06/07/2004 02:04 PM
Odd. This article is being steadily maha'd.
Who knew "Google" was actually a person? And a Gabber at that.
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Been there...tried that... 2,598 9
06/20/2004 09:42 AM
I don't really believe the phrase "I have to go wash my eyes out with fire".
I think he just had to go spank the monkey, and didn't want to get jizz on his keybord.
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