newwave 45,912 10
06/07/2004 03:41 AM

If my penis was 12 inches long, would it be a foot?

DeclanMcManus: plain, but never simple 131,874 36
06/07/2004 03:46 AM

Either that, or a miracle.

D.B. Cooper 1,800 12
06/07/2004 03:48 AM

If your mom and dad got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?

HighSoci 30,076 18
06/07/2004 04:09 AM

If I kidnap a kid in the woods and no one is around, is it still kidnapping?

D.B. Cooper 1,800 12
06/07/2004 04:11 AM

A little boy and a pedophile are walking in the deep, dark, woods. The little boy says,



"Mister, I'm scared! These woods are really creepy."



The pedophile replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back all by myself."

Whistler P. McManus 185,953 44
06/07/2004 04:27 AM

Try bumping this at around 2:00 p.m. Monday, bro. The Sunday night zombies just ain't up to it.

superturkey 6,678 0
06/07/2004 04:27 AM

getting drunk gains you adventure points!



now thats what i like to hear!

superturkey 6,678 0
06/07/2004 04:27 AM

oops, wrong thread.

Whistler P. McManus 185,953 44
06/07/2004 04:31 AM

Okay here goes:



A famous philharmonic conductor goes a little off the rails, and decides to fill the string section with cows. Yep, cows. He also decides to conduct their debut in the nude. After all, the cows aren't wearing clothes.



So opening night comes and the cows are all tuning up when the conductor takes the podium, his naked ass right there in the faces of those audience members lucky enough for a front row seat.



Immediately, the audience starts loudly voicing their displeasure in the traditional manner.



"Don't worry, ladies," says the conductor to the cows, "a herd in the band is worth boos at my tush."

Whistler P. McManus 185,953 44
06/07/2004 04:32 AM

Frost, that was harder than I thought it would be.

superturkey 6,678 0
06/07/2004 05:07 AM

if a woman starts a lawnmower, and persists on trying to shave my toe hair with it, would that mean i woild limp? and if so, to what degree?



now this is no simple question. how strong is this woman, has she mowed lawns before?



does she smoke crack? and in what quantity?



what is the average wind velocity of an unlaiden swallow?































and that would be the african swallow?

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/07/2004 05:12 AM

I don't think I've ever seen a single post suck so bad.

thelastpotato 147 9
06/07/2004 05:50 AM

I guess you don't have a livejournal.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/07/2004 10:37 AM

If I smear my entire sofa with tar, tomato sauce, gravy and motor oil, does that make it a sloppy couch ?

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
06/07/2004 10:40 AM

If a woman gets pregnant in the home of a neat freak, is that immaculate conception?

Chickens Sings Tenor in a Manly Way 286,472 61
06/07/2004 10:46 AM

If I could save time in a bottle,...



no wait...

Chickens Sings Tenor in a Manly Way 286,472 61
06/07/2004 10:51 AM

If I use my steel toed work boots on the moron tech support guy, does that constitute a hard boot?

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
06/07/2004 11:57 AM

If I was your girl, oh the things I'd do to you. I'd make you call out my name and ask who it belongs to.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
06/07/2004 12:19 PM

A young man fresh out of truck driving school applied with a company, but the only job they could hire him at the moment was a position driving the Sesame Street bus. He needed work badly, so the young man accepted the job as a temporary position. Not very excited to begin his first day, he pulls up to the first stop where a woman is waiting with two incredibly fat little girls.



"Hello dear," the woman said. "Are you new?"



"Why yes I am," said the young man.



"This is my daughter and her best friend. They are both named Patty. You may need to help them on the bus each morning, and they should both sit on opposite sides so as to keep the bus from tipping."



"Sure thing, ma'am"



He helped Patty and Patty on the bus and headed to stop #2 on the Sesame Street route, where a woman stood next to a little boy with crutches.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
06/07/2004 12:20 PM

"Hello dear," the woman said. "Are you new?"



"Why yes I am," said the young man.



"This is my son Josh. He's 'special.' I'd like for you to help him on to the bus each day and be sure that none of the other kids pick on him."



"Sure thing, ma'am"



Quickly regretting his decision to accept a job driving the Sesame Street bus, the young man approached the third stop, where a woman helped another little boy as he limped along.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
06/07/2004 12:20 PM

"Hello dear," the woman said. "Are you new?"



"Why yes I am," said the young man.



"This is my son Lester. Lester Cleese. He has delicate feet and walks with a limp; I'd like you to help him get on to the bus each day."



"Sure thing, ma'am"



Little Lester Cleese sat down right behind the bus driver and pulled off his shoe, revealing several crusted bunions. As he started to pick at them, the bus driver realized he couldn't take it any longer. He dropped the kids off at Sesame Street and stormed back to the office where he had been hired.



"I quit!"



"Why? What's wrong?" asked his boss.



"All I wanted was a driving job! No one told me I'd have to take care of two obese Pattys, special Josh, and Lester Cleese picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus!"

godot 15,434 11
06/07/2004 12:25 PM

Sometimes, Mavis, liquid Shakespeare just rolls off your fingers.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
06/07/2004 12:27 PM

sometimes often

Chickens Sings Tenor in a Manly Way 286,472 61
06/07/2004 12:32 PM

I gave Mavis a click for working "Hello dear," the woman said. "Are you new?" in there three or four times.

newwave 45,912 10
06/07/2004 12:35 PM

I gave Mavis a click for helping me learn to type, many years ago.

DeclanMcManus: plain, but never simple 131,874 36
06/07/2004 01:05 PM

Chickens-- either that, or a first date.

High Priestess has Orlando chained up, mmmm loven' 58,856 29
06/07/2004 01:12 PM

If your mommy was the dishwasher and your daddy the dryer, how many doughnuts does it take to bulid the dog house?

Chickens Sings Tenor in a Manly Way 286,472 61
06/07/2004 01:15 PM

I thought of you last night DeClan. I was watching Jackass the Movie at like 2am and this guy stuck a matchbox car up his bum just to see the reaction of the xray folk.



The xray doc told him to go straight to a surgeon. I couldn't help but think, "or just call Declan..."

DeclanMcManus: plain, but never simple 131,874 36
06/07/2004 01:23 PM

Awww, you say the nicest things.