godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:18 PM

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered

an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired

straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every

inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the

general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of

points he wished.



The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the

pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of

his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.



The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the

tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked

out with a check for $960,000.



When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where

to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my

penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested

that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,

pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had

received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that

would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to

do the measuring.



The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the

pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of

the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.

"Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."

Blue-Footed Boobie 21,744 10
06/14/2004 02:20 PM

As some of you might know I am a Soldier in the U.S. Army.



Really? I don't think you've ever mentioned that before...

salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
06/14/2004 02:25 PM

Godot that Shakespeare is funny.

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:25 PM

A reservist Captian was stationed in _________.



On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking

camel tied out back ofthe enlisted men's barracks. He asked the

Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"



The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere,

and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have

the camel."



The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess

it's all right with me."



After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain

could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN

THE CAMEL!!!"



The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the

Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded

to have vigorous sex with the camel.



As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning

his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men

do it?"



The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to

ride into town."

Dead Robot, Race Bannon's Bitch 67,630 16
06/14/2004 02:26 PM

Here's one:



The US will hand over power to the Iraqi people.



HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
06/14/2004 02:26 PM

Q) How many Army soldiers does it take to invade a country?



A) BABY KILLER!

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/14/2004 02:28 PM

Godot's joke was funny as hell. But he didn't think about the people who don't live in America. I know we have some people British people here, and I'll translate for them.







After the brief Falkland Islands war, a British regiment commander was addressing some troops under his command who had heroically performed above and beyond the call of duty. He informed them that Her Majesty's Army had committed to reward each of the three soldiers 100 pounds per inch of distance between two different parts of the man's body.



The commander addressed the first soldier, "Where would you like to be measured, Sergeant?" "From the tip of me head to the soles of me feet, Sir!" he replied. "Very good!," the commander said, and the sergeant was measured at 6'5." He was paid the handsome sum of 7000 pounds.



The second soldier was asked, "What about you, Corporal?" "Between the tips of the fingers of me outstretched arms, Sir!" the corporal said. "Very good!" replied the commander. The corporal, a man of considerable wingspan, was rewarded 8000 quid.



Finally, the last soldier was addressed. "And you, Private, where would you like measured?" "From the tip of me penis to the base of me balls, Sir!" retorted the private. The commander replied, "I must admit this is quite an unusual request, Private, but it's your decision." He ordered the private to drop his pants for the ensuing measurement. Immediately the general's mouth fell agape and he stammered, "Where in God's name are your gonads, Private?!!" The private proclaimed, "Goose Green, Falkland Islands, Sir!!"

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:30 PM

and another :



An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe

for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He

caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England,

then caught a train to London.



The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He

was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking

for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with

seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each

seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady,

with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.



"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked

down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans

are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"



He walked through the train more and still could not find a

seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love

dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog

if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and

snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:30 PM

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he

finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for

three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I

just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You

Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also

obnoxious."



With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the

dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was

speechless.



An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other

seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans

fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you

Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side

of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you

have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:33 PM

One more - I think the guys will like this one.



A crusty old air force colonel finds himself at a gala event

hosted by a local arts college. There is no shortage of young,

idealistic ladies in attendace, one of whom approaches the

colonel for conversation.

"Excuse me," says the woman, "but you seem to be a very serious

man. Is something botheing you?"

"No," the colonel says, "I'm just serious by nature."

The young lady looks at his awards and decorations and says, "It

looks like you've seen a lot of action."

"Yes, a lot of action," replies the colonel.

"Look," says the girl, angry at this unconversational nature.

"You should lighten up a little. Relax. Enjoy yourself."

When the colonel replies that he already is, the girl snaps.

"Stop being so formal!!" she shouts."I mean, when was the last

time you had sex?"

The colonel looks at her. "well, that would have to be 1955," he

replies.

The girl cackles in triumph. "That's it," she laughs. "You've

got got a hang up about sex. You need to chill out! No sex since

1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

"Oh I don't know," says the colonel,glancing at his watch.

"It's only 2130 now."

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
06/14/2004 02:36 PM

"President Washington: Please come-up with a clever name for creamed beef on toast."

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/14/2004 02:36 PM

Thank you Godot for the great jokes, I clickied everyone of them.

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:36 PM

Why is being in the military like a blow job?



The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 02:37 PM

TheFoye - Just tell them everyone wants them home yesterday.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/14/2004 02:39 PM

I'll do that godot, thanks for the support.

charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/14/2004 02:41 PM

Modern Military Terms



Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up."



Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small."



Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders."



Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs."



Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours."



Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"



Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"



Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"



An Asset is "something that can be blown up"



Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/14/2004 03:15 PM

Axioms of engagement: (Part I)

Friendly fire - isn't.

Recoilless rifles - aren't.

Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.

If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.

If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike.

The enemy attacks on two ocasions: when he's ready and when your not

If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short

All 5 second grenade fuses burn down in 3 seconds

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

When your attack is going really well, its an ambush

Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.

The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready. & when you're not.

There is no such thing as a perfect plan.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

The easy way is always mined.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.

Incoming fire has the right of way.

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/14/2004 03:15 PM

Part II:



No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.

Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.

Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.

Tracers work both ways.

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.

Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.

Napalm is an area support weapon.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.

Interchangeable parts aren't.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.

If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may have misjudged the situation.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and miss.

If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If your ambush is properly set the enemy won't walk into it.

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/14/2004 03:22 PM

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.

The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/14/2004 04:58 PM

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."

- Ambrose Bierce

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/14/2004 05:11 PM

Q: What's the difference between God and a fighter pilot ?

A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/14/2004 05:43 PM

World War III has begun. Fortunately, the Army has invented a powerful new computer capable of deciding what military tactics should be used given a particular situation.

After feeding the computer with tons of data, the officers then ask the computer :

- "Should we attack or should we retreat ?"

The computer then flashes a few lights and makes a few beeping sounds before displaying its answer :

- "YES"

The officers then look at each other with confused looks on their faces. One general steps to the keyboard and asks :

- "Yes what?"

The computer immediately replies:

- "YES SIR!"

firelizard 1,191 12
06/14/2004 05:55 PM

TTJ

thank you, last time I heard that joke that godot told it was about am scottish Sargent.



clicked you not godot.

firelizard 1,191 12
06/14/2004 05:57 PM

true story not a joke.



Girlfriend asked her squaddie boyfriend if he loved her.



Squaddie: Of course I do, I Frost-ing shagged you didn't I.

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 06:14 PM

thank you, last time I heard that joke that godot told it was about am scottish Sargent.



I didn't think that version was as pertinent for the US ARMY as the version I chose.



and as for you decidely not clicking me. I'm hurt. I don't think I can go on. I've gotten more clickies today than all of you clickie totals combined but I sure could've used your clickie.

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 07:49 PM

and another :



This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US

naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of

Newfoundland in October, 1995.



Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to

avoid a collision.



Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the

South to avoid a collision.



Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.



Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.



Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND

LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE

ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS

SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES

NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL

BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.



Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Blue-Footed Boobie: Noob Mercenary 21,744 10
06/14/2004 08:05 PM

Godot, Frost me very much.

TEDphat 6,408 9
06/14/2004 08:07 PM

SNIPED!

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 08:08 PM

BFB - It's a joke.



<action>sighs

TEDphat 6,408 9
06/14/2004 08:09 PM

godot: copy and pastes jokes he finds on internet and sells them off as his own.

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 08:12 PM

TED you are so wrong!! I wrote all of those jokes myself. How could you even think for a second that those could have been COPY and PASTED?

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/14/2004 08:18 PM

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He

went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from

higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an

aeroplane.

The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the

Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen

men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a

time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left

on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me

to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the

door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump

Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 225 lbs. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.'

So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear, it

was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door,

or I'm sticking this up your arse.' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.



"Well, a little, at first."

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/14/2004 08:19 PM

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He

went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from

higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an

aeroplane.

The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the

Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen

men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a

time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left

on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me

to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the

door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump

Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 225 lbs. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?' I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.'

So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it

was about ten inches long! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out of that door,

or I'm sticking this up your ass.' "

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.



"Well, a little, at first."

sc04 12 8
06/14/2004 08:20 PM

Ted: Sits around all day and thinks of ways to make fun of an actual funny person, godot

godot 15,434 11
06/14/2004 08:22 PM

Chit - I liked your joke the first time... For some reason the timing seemed a little off the second time... maybe wait a little longer before the punchline.. let the audience stew a little bit..

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/14/2004 08:22 PM

So funny I posted it twice





(Frost-ing idiot)

Blue-Footed Boobie: Noob Mercenary 21,744 10
06/14/2004 08:23 PM

BFB - It's a joke.



I know, just wanted to share.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/14/2004 08:25 PM

It's military style !



upon completion, you start at the beginning and go through the same thing again.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/14/2004 08:37 PM

Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed,

and quickly headed for the door.

At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands.

The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to

wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine.

"Well, I was in the Navy Sarge, and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

You left it where? 211,511 32
06/15/2004 01:27 AM

demmit! i just hate having to clickie godot...

superturkey 6,678 0
06/15/2004 01:32 AM

the foye:



are you really in iraq?



what else do you need besides jokes? i have the softest spot for you guys. you ask, and i will do my best to hook it up.

You left it where? 211,511 32
06/15/2004 01:40 AM

for TheFoye and TTJ:



During World War II, an American G.I. is in an English pub. Two older English chaps are watching him drink and get louder and louder.



"Damn it, I just love you English! You take us G.I.s into your home, feed us, treat us nice..."



"What'd he say?" asks the older of the two gents.



"HE SAYS HE LIKES ENGLAND!" the other chap shouts into his ear.



"And you know how to spend your evenings, drinking and playing darts!"



"What'd he say?"



"HE SAYS HE LIKES OUR PUBS!"



"And just last night, sonovabitch! This one ol' English girl gets all drunk, pulls up her bloomers and shows me her cooney!"



"What'd he say?"



"HE SAYS HE MET MOTHER..."

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/15/2004 05:24 AM

You left it where,



You reminded me of a funny story, non-military, but worthy I think.

An old jew tailor named Abe, was explaining once that he had a store in the garment district of NY with his brother Saul, and once a woman came in with her son, and asked, How much for the herring-bone suit in the front window?

He responded, "The herring-bone, hang on.....(Yelling to Saul in the back) Saul, the herring bone in the window, how much?"

To which Saul responded, "Fourhundred dollars,"

Abe yelled back, "What did you say?"

Saul yelled louder, "Fourhundred dollars."

So Abe turned to the lady and said, "Threehundred dollars."

To which the lady said quickly, "We'll take it."



Abe explained further, "We sold more twohundred dollar suits that way."

YoYo 114 9
06/15/2004 06:29 AM

Why couldn't the naked infantryman get into his car?

He didn't have his khakis.

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/15/2004 06:49 AM

*note: Only valid in greater boston metropolitan area. Southerners need not apply.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/15/2004 09:43 AM

TehFoye! You can stop worrying now. The Army men there will soon be happy because there's a new uniform!

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/15/2004 09:46 AM

The new uniform was designed in part to accommodate the new Interceptor body armor that soldiers are getting in Iraq and Afghanistan for partial protection from bullets as large as 7.62mm. The Mandarin-style collar, for example, shields the neck from the Interceptor vest collar.



Bulletproof is good, but politicianproof would be better.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
06/15/2004 09:49 AM

TheFoye - Just tell them everyone wants them home yesterday.



I just wanted to repeat what Godot said.

You left it where? 211,511 32
06/15/2004 09:59 AM

TheFoye - Just tell them everyone wants them home yesterday.



Yep...a new address would be TONS safer than a new uniform.

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/15/2004 11:40 AM

Q. Why do soldiers wear condoms?



A. So the enemy doesn't seem 'em coming!



Bah da bump.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/15/2004 12:07 PM

I would like to thank everyone for their contributions and support. Morale can be a problem over here at times and every little bit helps. Thank you one and all

charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/15/2004 12:27 PM

i just hope that those returning back from the front are treated with the respect they deserve - so they don't end up like the vietnam vets. they are the true victims of the bush administration.

TEDphat 6,408 9
06/15/2004 12:31 PM

Vietnam vets are the victims of the Bush administration?

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/15/2004 12:34 PM

That worries me as well. I have a wife at home and she has had some problems at the beginning of the war ( I went home for 6 monthes and came back) during one of the protests in Colorado Springs her car got egged as she was driving by because I have a U.S. Army sticker on it

charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/15/2004 12:34 PM

yes, they are.



because they have to watch history repeat itself like a bad song that the radio overplays.



i'm sure it kills them to see this happening to a new generation.

charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/15/2004 12:36 PM

living in texas, you have to think about things like that before you put a kerry bumper sticker on your car.

TEDphat 6,408 9
06/15/2004 12:40 PM

Ah yes, I understand now, thanks Charlotte. I'm not afraid to admit that I am still young and naive.

TEDphat 6,408 9
06/15/2004 12:41 PM

.......I mean....Frost you Charlotte. I already knew that. I'm in college. I know everything.

Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
06/15/2004 12:54 PM

God and an angel were watching an Airman rowing a boat across a lake on his leave. God said to the angel "Watch what happens when I zap away a part of his brain," God did so, and the Airman began singing "Row row row your boat!" God and the angel shared a laugh and God took away a little more of the poor Airman's brain. "Row...row...row... your...boat" he sang, more slowly with each brain zap. Finally he only had a small section of his brain left and he was a drooling mess floating helplessly in the water. The angel asked God what would happen if He zapped away his whole brain. "Let's see," replied God, and he pointed his finger at the Airman and zapped away the last bit of his brain. Suddenly the Airman snapped to attention and began singing, "BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE! IN THE ARMY!"

charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/15/2004 12:59 PM

if you learned that in college, you must attend a northern university.

TEDphat 6,408 9
06/15/2004 01:04 PM

I was joking about the fact that college students think they know everything. My first post thanking you actually was sincere. But yes, I do attend a northern university. The same one Hargrave just graduated from actually.

Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
06/15/2004 01:06 PM

I attend a southwestern university. We're polar opposites!

The Menace from... uh... Limburg 895 9
06/15/2004 01:13 PM

Drill Srgt: Dangit, maggot... When you're out there, overseas and all, and you see the Star and Stripes flapping in the wind, what'll you think?

Maggot: That it's pretty darn windy out there, sir.

general godot - LEN supreme commander 15,434 11
06/15/2004 01:17 PM

During World War II, on a South Pacific Island, a major battle was going on between the Japanese and the United States Marines. At the time, the Marines were using Navaho Indians for communication proposes. These Code-Talkers, as they were nicknamed, were already well-known for their bravery, skills and patriotism.



The battle was very intense and many of the Marines were getting separated from their units.

A young Marine spotted a Navaho Indian in a nearby bomb crater and jumped into the crater with him. The Marine was desperate to get back to his own unit to help his buddies in the intense battle. He yelled to the Navaho Indian. "What Marine Unit are you attached to?" The Indian stared at him with open eyes, but said nothing because he didn't speak any English.



With the enemy fire growing heavier, the young Marine became even more desperate to help his buddies.

It was easy for the Navaho Indian to see the total desperation in the Marine's face, so he was doing his best to understand him. After screaming the same sentence over and over again, the Marine finally realized that the Navaho didn't speak English.

The eastern city boy thought deeply and got an idea that all Indians know sign language.

general godot - LEN supreme commander 15,434 11
06/15/2004 01:17 PM

To the Code-Talkers amazement, the young Marine rolled up his sleeve and waved all his fingers up and down before him. "Are you attached to Para-troops? Are you attached to the Para-troops?" The Marine shook the Indian for an answer. The brave, American Indian's eyes were open wide. He was wondering where the Marine was going with his message.



Meanwhile, the bullets and bombs around the bomb crater were getting more intense.

Shouting even louder, the Marine walked two fingers up and down his arm, "Are you attached to the infantry? Are you attached to the infantry." The Navaho Indian pulled away and the Marine was a little confused. But he was even more determined to get his questions across. His buddies needed him.

The Marine screamed even louder as he turned his arm and moved it forward and back and repeated the action again and again. "Are you attached to the artillery? Are you attached to the artillery?"



With this the Navaho Indian crawled back away from the Marine. The Marine realized he was finally getting across to the Indian, but he was confused about his reactions. All the Marine could think about was his friends being alone in the battle, so he tried again. He rolled his fingers into circles and placed them against his eyes and screamed, "Are you with the field observers? Are you with the field observers?"

general godot - LEN supreme commander 15,434 11
06/15/2004 01:17 PM

With this, the Code-Talker pulls his rifle on the shocked Marine. Suddenly, the Indian lets out a terrified scream. Still screaming, he jumps out of the crater and runs through the battle as bullets, bombs and mortar rounds torn the earth around him.

After about a hundred yards, the Navaho finds another Navaho, who is fighting for his life and jumps into his foxhole. The second Navaho smacks his face to try to calm him down. Speaking in Navaho, the Indian asks him, "What are you, crazy running through this battle like a madman? You could have been killed!!"



Barely catching his breath, the first Navaho eyes are bulging in terror. "You think I'm crazy. You think I'm a madman. You should have heard what a Marine just told me."

Dumfounded, the second Navaho demands, "Tell me what the Marine said that caused you to act like such a crazy, madman."

The Indian rolled up his sleeve and waved all his fingers up and down before him. "Marine said, when the sun goes down." The Indian then walks his two fingers up and down his arm like the Marine had done. "And everyone goes home." At this point, the Indian turned his arm and moved it forward and back, and repeated the action again and again. "I'm gonna Frost you."



Quickly, the Navaho rolled his fingers into circles and placed them against his eyes. "'Until your eyes pop out."

general godot - LEN supreme commander 15,434 11
06/15/2004 01:18 PM

Woo hoo - now that's some fast typing...

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/15/2004 01:34 PM

A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure. The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can't agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate. The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion. He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead.



He answers, "Well, if you really ask my opinion, I'd say it's all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB's would have me doing it!"

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/15/2004 01:39 PM

In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.



"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."



"Warehouses?!" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!!"

superturkey 6,678 0
06/15/2004 01:40 PM

from readers digest:



Boarding a military transport plane, i noticed hydraulic fluid leaking from the tail section.

"excuse me," I said to a crew member. "Do you know you have a leak?"

"yep," he said as he continued on his way.

"aren't you concerned?" He shrugged. "well," i asked, "how do you knowwhen you're out of fluid?"

"When it quits leaking." he answered.

Chance 171,270 14
06/15/2004 01:48 PM

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my testicles, so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about your injury, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we can get right to work.

The guy says, "If working hours are 8 to 4 why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we just sit around and scratch our nuts for the first two hours. No point of you coming in for that."

firelizard 1,191 12
06/15/2004 06:58 PM

and as for you decidely not clicking me. I'm hurt. I don't think I can go on. I've gotten more clickies today than all of you clickie totals combined but I sure could've used your clickie.



still don't get no clickie from me till you're on your knees begging for it.

Phlamingo 131,068 34
06/15/2004 07:06 PM

This one's a stretch. It's better if you're *not* telling military jokes.



There are two fish in a tank.

And one fish turns to the other fish and says, "I can't drive this thing."

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/15/2004 07:12 PM

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines"

Pat The Great 948 9
06/15/2004 10:12 PM

Phlamingo: Wow. That was amazing. Fish, tanks, HA!

Phlamingo 131,068 34
06/15/2004 10:42 PM

Boy oh boy, you're going to like this one then...



How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



























































Hey, wanna ride bikes?

Barefoot Chance 171,270 14
06/16/2004 01:39 PM

<action> rubs Pubes carebear belly </action>

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
06/16/2004 01:42 PM

rubs Pubes



Huh? Oh. Oooooh.

charlotte sometimes 1,130 10
06/16/2004 01:45 PM

what does rubbing your pubes have to do with helping your country.



UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU...to rub your pubes.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/16/2004 01:56 PM

Ok I have a couple here

Q: What kind of soap does the Navy use?

A: Powdered soap, it takes longer to pick up.





MARINE= Muscles Are Required Intelligence Not Essential



US ARMY= Uncle Sam Aint Released Me Yet



US ARMY backwards= Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/17/2004 02:46 PM

Some more military acronyms

FUBAR=Frosted up beyond all recognization

BOHECA= Bend over here it comes again

AAFES=All about Frost-ing every Soldier



And if anyone can spell the underlined word correctly I will give them a clickie, if Word can't figure it out then neither can I.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/17/2004 02:50 PM

oops and thats BOHICA. Boy is my face red.

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/17/2004 02:52 PM

recognition



also



repair works.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/17/2004 02:56 PM

Thank you and a clickie as promised.

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/17/2004 03:00 PM

FUD = Fear, Uncertainty, & Doubt

FUGAZI=Fouled Up, Got Ambushed, zipped In

SNAFU = Situation normal, all f*cked up.

CF'd = Cluster f*cked.

BOHICA = Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.

JarHeadBinks 613 9
06/17/2004 03:01 PM

So sorry missed your BOHICA Foye.

superturkey 6,678 0
06/17/2004 03:11 PM

a teacher asked her class to tell a story with a moral to the story. billy raised his hand. the teacher called on him.

"when my uncle dave was in vietnam, his plane got shot down. all he had was his pistol, a knife and a bottle of gin. so he drank the bottle og gin, and jumped out of the plane.

when he got down, he was surrounded by 15 enemy, he shot and killed 11, stabbed 3 to death, and killed 2 with his bare hands."

"that's nice" the teacher said. "but where's the moral?"

"the moral is, don't Frost with uncle dave when he's drunk" the boy replied.

Briham 38,843 10
06/17/2004 06:43 PM

Not exactly a joke, but still funny as hell. 213 things Skippy may not do in the army

Anita Blake 6,762 9
06/19/2004 01:59 AM

Here ya go. Murphy's Military Law, just for ya.



My personal favorite? #126. Probably because I AM a Quartermaster.



Try not to get blown up while you're over there, soldier.



HOOAH!

D.B. Cooper(101st AD!!!) 1,800 12
06/19/2004 11:05 AM

Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was "The Best." The arguing became so heated the four service men failed to see an oncoming truck. They were run over by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servicemen found themselves at the Pearly gates of Heaven. There, they met Saint Peter and decided that only he could be the ultimate source of truth and honesty. So, the four servicemen asked him, "Saint Peter, which branch of the United States Armed Forces is the best?" Saint Peter replied, "I can't answer that. However, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him. Meanwhile, thank you for your service on Earth and welcome to Heaven."

Some time later the four servicemen see Saint Peter and remind him of the question they had asked when first entering Heaven. The four servicemen asked Saint Peter if he was able to find the answer. Suddenly, a sparkling white dove lands on Saint Peter's shoulder. In the dove's beak is a note glistening with gold dust. Saint Peter opens the note, trumpets blare, gold dust drifts into the air, harps play crescendos and Saint Peter begins to read the note aloud to the four servicemen.



MEMORANDUM FROM THE DESK OF THE ALMIGHTY ONE:

TO: All Former Soldiers, Sinkers, Zoomies, and Jarheads

SUBJECT: Which Military Service Is the Best

All branches of the United States Armed Forces

are honorable and noble. Each serves America well and with distinction.

Sincerely,

GOD, U.S. ARMY (Retired)

The Menace from... uh... Limburg 895 9
06/19/2004 11:30 AM

...I don't get that last one.

Anita Blake 6,762 9
06/19/2004 12:22 PM

Okay, okay, here's one.



As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."



As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.



The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow.



The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, Drill Sergeant?"

ValyaC 29 8
06/19/2004 12:31 PM

[It's not a military joke, but the Hubster's there, I sent it over, and heard it's now posted around 3xxth PsyOp...so hope it works for your Co. too...Hooah. Git Home Soon...]



REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE

CONVENTION SCHEDULE



New York, NY



6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell



6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance



6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (Excluding 2nd Amendment)



6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing



6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your Kid a Military Deferment



7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong



7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries



7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, It's What's For Dinner.



8:00 PM Vote On Which Country To Invade Next



8:10 PM Call EMTs to Revive Rush Limbaugh



8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos Are After Your Children



8:30 PM Round Table Discussion On Reproductive Rights (MEN Only)



8:50 PM Seminar #2 Corporations: The Government of the Future



9:00 PM Condi Rice sings 'Can't Help Lovin 'Dat Man'



9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong



9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires



9:30 PM Break for secret meetings



10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas



10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak Made Easy



10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to Squint and Talk Macho



10:35 PM Bush demonstration: Trademark 'Deer in Headlights' Stare



10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt



10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads List of Black Republicans



10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong



10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: A Drain On Our Nation's Economy.



11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata



11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: Evolutionists: The Dangerous New Cult



11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again



11:35 PM Blame Clinton



11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies



11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself



12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

ValyaC 29 8
06/19/2004 12:33 PM

(actually, it all rather is a military joke...)

Anita Blake 6,762 9
06/19/2004 01:14 PM

Here's for the fellow Airbornes in here:



An Airborne soldier returned home late one evening. His wife was quite upset and demanded to know why he was so late. He explained what had happened to him on the way home from the drop zone:



"I was driving home and saw a car stopped beside the highway. A woman was out trying to change a tire, so I stopped to help. Her spare tire wasn't in very good shape, and I wanted to make sure she got home OK, so I drove along behind her. Once we got to her place, she invited me in for a drink. One thing led to another, and before I really knew what was happening we were in her bed having sex. Finally I realized how late it was and I left, jumped in the car and hurried home. I'm sorry I'm so late."



"Don't lie to me, you Frost-ing bastard," his wife said. "You stayed and made another jump, didn't you?"

sex_machine 24 8
06/24/2004 01:07 AM

There's a platoon of soldiers at the base. The first in command (1IC) said, "You guys think you're so hardcore? Come with me, I bet you don't even know what hardcore is." He takes his platoon out on a 7 day hike without any equipment and finally they land in a swamp. He lines the soldiers up and yells, "Watch this!". He dives under water for 30 seconds and comes out with an aligator in a head lock. He wrestles the aligator for a while, pulls down his pants, sticks his Coleridge in his mouth, closes the aligator's mouth, bites his lip and counts "1, 2, 3!!!" He lets go, breaks it's neck and throws it back into the water. "If anyone can do that I'll be impressed."



All of the soldiers stand in awe until a hand raises in the back and a nervous voice says, "I'll do it as long as you don't break my neck when you're done."

Mofo Baggins 10,950 10
06/24/2004 01:21 AM

"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the Military" - Georges Clemeceau, former French Minister.





And what the hell would the French know of war? Their place in the world is as the little gay kid who gets the Shakespeare beaten out of him for his lunch money... and for other people's enjoyment.

Mofo Baggins 10,950 10
06/24/2004 01:22 AM

Did you know that since early WWII, all French tanks have had 6 gears? Yeah, they have five for revers,e and one for forward in case they get attacked from behind.

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/24/2004 01:30 AM

The French have learned an important lesson.. Namely, that cowards can drink, smoke, eat, and have sex, whereas heroes often receive posthumous awards.



Besides, France played the "We're Running the World" game for a couple of hundred years. We've only been at it for 50 or so. I suspect it's a lot more trouble than it's worth.

Mofo Baggins 10,950 10
06/24/2004 02:21 AM

France never ran the world! It wasn't the French Armada, it was the Spanish Armada. France didn't have the largest empire since the Romans, it was the British. So France was able to hold off the British long enough to slaughter the tribal black people of Africa who were armed with nothing more than spears and shields made out of wood about as tough as styrofoam. The got their asses slaughtered by the Russians. The Russians! They had to be the sorriest nation at the time. They were made up of nothing but vodka-drinking psychopaths and destitute peasants whose only weapons were pitch-forks and small-pox. And they still kicked the Shakespeare out of the French.

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/24/2004 03:19 AM

The Africans that the French beat down grew up to often trounce the Brit colonials. These nancy Russians you speak of kept America and western Europe trembling for 40 years. The Spanish Armada only existed because of all the silver flowing out of New Spain. The French did much more with a lot less to work with. French culture was so predominant that the Russian courtiers were conducting all official State business in french, in Russia! Even today we're stuck with French as the international language of diplomacy. Check out your passport.. everything is written in American and French.. er.. Freedom. Boy, wouldn't W love to scrap that arrangement..

Frogpop 173,153 25
06/24/2004 03:20 AM

p.s. You smell like a Frenchwoman's furry beef curtains.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/24/2004 08:09 AM

It's rare to find a complete idiot with no grasp of history outside a texan trailer-park.



Is there something you're not telling us, Mr. Mofo?

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/24/2004 11:46 AM

After sharing these with my SGT he told me this one enjoy!!



A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk. The little boy was playing with a pile of Shakespeare. Curious, the 2LT walked over and asked the boy what he was doing; the boy replied, "I'm building an NCO". Well the 2LT thought this was hilarious so he went to work to get his company commander. The captain went down there to see for himself and sure enough the little boy is playing with a pile of Shakespeare. The captain asked "What are you doing there" and the boy replied, "I'm building an NCO". The captain being as amused as his 2LT went and told his 1SG about this. The 2 walked up to the boy and the 1SG asked " What are you doing boy" the boy replies "I'm building an NCO" "Why are you building an NCO?" the 1SG asked. The little boy stopped looked up at the 1SG and said, "Because I don't have enough Shakespeare to build an office

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/24/2004 02:09 PM

dammit thats supposed to be officer not office

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 11:00 AM

A sailor pulled into a little town and every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."



"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."



"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."



The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.



"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.



"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,' ...and he sat up all night watching me.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 11:05 AM

5 most dangerous things to hear in the Army!

1. A Private saying, "I learned this in Basic..."



2. A Sergeant saying, "Trust me, sir..."



3. A Second Lieutenant saying, "Based upon my experience..."



4. A Captain saying, "I was just thinking..."



5. A Warrant Officer chuckling, "Watch this Shakespeare..."

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 11:25 AM

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.



"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."



"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."



"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be

the most famous man in the world."



"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.



"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 12:06 PM

A sergeant announces:

- The platoon has been assigned to unload luminum

- Aluminum, not luminum, corrects a recruit.

- The platoon is going to unload luminum, repeats the sergeant, and the intellectual here is going to unload iron.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/29/2004 03:11 PM

A young boy is taking a Shakespeare in a public bathroom one day,when a marine entered the bathroom.The marine ,all dressed in his dress blue's, shiny shoes,white hat walked up to the little boy to say hi.. the marine said to the little boy"hey guy want to hold my hat"? the boy replies with"why yes i do marine" so the marine gives the boy his hat then walks away to tend his own business. A few minutes later an AIR born Ranger walks in in his tan beret,jump wings, jump boots,and ranger tags. just all decked out. he sees the little boy holding the marine hat so he walks over to the boy. the ranger then asks the little boy"hey guy want to blow me"?? the little boy replies"oh no sir i'm just a little boy not a real marine"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/29/2004 03:26 PM

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the Shakespeare out of him."

Anita Hug 6,762 9
06/29/2004 05:21 PM

We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsary Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.



Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options: If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.



If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours , or on weekends. Special consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide additional research and development funding. (con't)

Anita Hug 6,762 9
06/29/2004 05:21 PM

If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel,bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come, first-serve basis.



If your inquiry is not urgent, press 3 for the Rapid Deployment Force.



If you are in really hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be answered by the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a mandatory credit check will be done to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also, be aware that USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell you why, as it is classified.



If you are interested in joining the U.S. Army, and you wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your ass off, risking your life in all weather and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on the line. Your call will be answered shortly by the next available bitter passed -over for promotion Army Recruiter located in a strip mall down by the post office.



Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the United States Military! <BEEP>

whome 722 10
07/01/2004 11:35 AM

Aint Ready for Marines Yet

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/04/2004 05:17 PM

Selling war insurance



Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.



It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.



Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:



"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."



"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/04/2004 05:29 PM

Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend



The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.



He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

AussieSarah 8,390 9
07/05/2004 01:49 AM

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.



The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"



So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!



The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"



"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

AussieSarah 8,390 9
07/05/2004 01:57 AM

Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?



A: DUCK!

-----------------------------------

Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?



A: You shout out, "B-52"



-----------------------------------

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?



A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

-----------------------------------

Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?



A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!

-----------------------------------Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?



A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

-----------------------------------

Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?



A: A refund.

.............

Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?



A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
07/05/2004 01:59 AM

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.



The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.



At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).



The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.



The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

AussieSarah 8,390 9
07/05/2004 02:02 AM

This is Army policy all begins...



Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.



Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.



Now, turn off the cold water.



Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.



Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.



Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.



After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?



"Because that's the way it's always been around here."



That's how Army policy begins...