What not to do (a poo story)
A comedy article
by No_Key_Bandit  76,490  10
06/16/2004 02:35 PM 328 views
|
|
My internal organs and I have an understanding. I let them do what they need to do, when they need to do it, and they don't shut down. I learned this valuable lesson from my appendix a few years ago. I hope my liver forgives me for all the abuse that the taskmaster "alcohol" has played on it, but I digress.
I am a pretty regular guy. You can accurately set your watch to my bowel movements. In fact, cubeville is acutely aware of my coming and goings. My morning routine includes the ingestion of two cups of coffee, followed by the assuaging liberation of yesterday's lunch and dinner; usually around 10:30 or so. Here on the second floor we have a nicely equipped restroom, complete with a handicapped stall. As there are no employees on this floor who are in need of such facilities, I use this stall. It's roomy, located toward the back of the restroom and it has hand-holds for those days when the turtle-head gets a little stubborn and extra gripping-power is required. This morning was no exception to my routine. "Must be ten-thirty!" my bastard co-worker Bob announced to the world. "After cup number two, it's time for a poo" he continued. "Bastard!" I mouth under my breath. I headed to the head with thoughts of the shredded wheat I had eaten yesterday dancing in my head. I was cheerfully looking forward to constructing my own little underwater log cabin and then continuing on with my day when the incident occurred.
The men's room was empty except for a slightly pungent aroma in the air. I ignored it and continued on to my favorite stall. Even though I know it's not true, I like to think that this stall off limits to all others and no one else ever uses it. It's my own little oasis of happiness where I can be at peace; away from the cares of the world. When I sat (without looking) on the seat I became rudely aware that this was indeed a fantasy--the seat was warm. Ew! And to top things off, the usurper did not flush! AAAAAHHHH!!!!!
I stood up! "Of all the..." then I quickly remembered my own subtle prank on the CEO of our company. I was experiencing my own cruel joke! Karma! You cruel, cruel pranxter! What could I do? "THINK MAN THINK!" I could just flush and all would be right again, but the mental damage was done. How could I sit on the polluted seat? It was like finding my wife in bed with another man! What to do? I did what any other person in my predicament would do, I exited the stall to use the little cube of the commoners. Here's where that old demon "common sense" decided to play a cruel joke on me, by not giving me the subtle reminder, "Before you go running around with your pants, underwear, belt and cellphone dangling around your ankles, check to make sure no one else has entered the restroom." Apparently the meeting that had been going on for the last three hours had just let out and no less than five people with fully laden bladders hurried into the men's room to relieve themselves only to witness "the elephant's trunk."
There I stood, face to face with five people I see every day; all of them staring at my third eyeball. "Are you OK?" stammered shocked bystander Jeff. "Oh Shakespeare!" I answered. "Yeah. I guess that's pretty accurate!" he answered. His comment was well founded. It seems in my haste to exit the handicapped stall I had neglected to flush. I re-entered the stall, finished my business, flushed and left amid the snickers and comments of my fellow bathroom-goers.
So far I have received two emails, asking what the deal was, one inquiring if I am an exhibitionist and one commenting on the Shakespearety job I did this morning. The last, from my coworker Bob. (*bastard*)
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
25 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=961883
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
7 Comments on "What not to do (a poo story)"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973301
firelizard SFC 1,191  12
06/28/2004 06:09 PM
who got you?
I bet it was the CEO.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973365
firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/28/2004 07:25 PM
Ad on TV for a prog on tomorrow called "You Are What You Eat", one of the lines they use is "What does your poop say about you?"
So "What does your poop say about you?"
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973390
ringworm 68,315 13
06/28/2004 07:57 PM
my poop usually says i should eat more solids.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973394
IceScreamCone 280 9
06/28/2004 08:01 PM
Two poops are in the toilet one turns to the other and says "it's getting smelly in here" the other turns around and says
"holy Shakespeare, a talking Shakespeare!"
is poops a word?
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973402
Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
06/28/2004 08:12 PM
is poops a word?
As per 3rd grade, the correct term is: Poopies
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973443
DeadMike 3,390 10
06/28/2004 09:26 PM
Good article
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=973562
Snipe*Star 244 8
06/29/2004 12:40 AM
strange
|
|
|
|
Store