Wasn't my fault
A comedy conversation
by firelizard SFC  1,191  12
06/26/2004 05:29 PM 316 views
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My ex-boyfriend was a well endowed man. He was also a squaddie, so only came back to the city every few months or so. When I saw him naked my first thought was "It's not going to fit!".
We had some relationship problems.
Getting a condom on was like wrestling a snake into a too-small plastic sock for five minutes. They kept snapping, or sliding and getting the thing rolled down the shaft was hard.
Sex needed to be a slow approach and plenty of 4play (which many of you guys won't have any idea of) was necessary.
One day before he was due to leave to go back to base, we were taking things slow and enjoying ourselves. Suddenly I felt something snap, he pulled out and lept backwards holding his knob whilst blood dripped from between his fingers. My first reaction was to clap my hands over my mouth so he wouldn't hear the laughter.
I did eventually show my concern and asked whether he needed to see a dr. I phoned his sister to get his dr's number. Sharon knew right off that 'something wss wrong' and I told her what had happened.
Stuart talked to the dr and was told, its ok, it happens all the time, don't have sex for 5 days. I was upset at that, since Stuart was off the next day.
What had happend was the little piece of skin at the foreskin attached to the tip of the pens had snapped/split. No problem, just a lot of blood. Nothing to worry about.
Later that day Stuart and I met the rest of his family. His mother's first words to me were "You made my son bleed. You bad woman".
The whole family pissed themselves laughing whilst I had the red face. But it wasn't my fault. Honest.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.5
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Hilarious
6 votes
4.5
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superturkey 6,678  0
06/26/2004 05:31 PM
pshaw. i don't have those problems, i'm hung like a fruit bat.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/26/2004 09:40 PM
what? upside down, swinging in the breeze and comes from Australia.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
06/26/2004 10:23 PM
I've been walking hunched over since I read this...
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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HighSoci 30,076 18
06/26/2004 10:28 PM
I was debating on whether or not I should be the one to inform you, but finger cots are not real condoms.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/26/2004 10:47 PM
in the UK condoms, unlike men, come in one size. Stuart was 'Oh my god!'
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0 votes
0.0
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Snipe*Star 244 8
06/26/2004 10:48 PM
uuuh this makes me hurt just thinking about it
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0 votes
0.0
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/26/2004 10:58 PM
not work safe, cos its Durex.co.uk
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0 votes
0.0
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Snipe*Star 244 8
06/26/2004 11:02 PM
durex condoms are Shakespearety
trojans are much better
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0 votes
0.0
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McStupid 13,155 9
06/27/2004 01:46 AM
The last thing I needed to hear was comments about ones sex life. I'm going to give a VD.
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0 votes
0.0
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/28/2004 03:03 PM
<action>shamelessly bumping own thread</action>
anybody else damage their man/woman accidentally?
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0 votes
0.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 03:08 PM
"Pete came back with a Yukon grunt that popped her eyes and split her Carroll"
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
06/28/2004 03:19 PM
4play?
Hey Frost you, I slip the roofie into her drink everytime.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 03:21 PM
Goddamn, Oboe Master, I'd click you if you were logged in!
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0 votes
0.0
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salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
06/28/2004 03:24 PM
Oh I don't slip that into drinks...
there aren't any more bars left here that don't have bouncers under orders to "bust his sick Frost-ing head in".
Thank God for TIVO!
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0 votes
0.0
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PotatoCouch 14,056 9
06/28/2004 03:25 PM
My boyfriend and I were doing a scene where he cut my clothes off, and in my struggling, the scissors cut his arm instead.
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0 votes
0.0
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Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
06/28/2004 03:31 PM
doing a scene?
Just because you are staring in a porno with him, doesn't make him your boyfriend.
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0 votes
0.0
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/28/2004 05:15 PM
Goddamn, Oboe Master, I'd click you if you were logged in!
n00b New Rule
if someone who isn't logged in says something funny enough to cick, then cick the person who started the thread instead.
Stops you feeling bad about not giving clickies.
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0 votes
0.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/28/2004 05:36 PM
salvage semi-lurks
Hey Frost you, I slip the roofie into her drink everytime.
- - - - - - -
Oboe Master
I've seen pictures of Roofie.
Your girl is luck-eee.
A) I don't recall being slipped into a drink, but damn that sounds fun!
B) Oboe, don't make them jealous.
C) Flattery will get you everywhere.
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Hilarious
4 votes
4.5
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DeadMike 3,390 10
06/28/2004 05:39 PM
<action> </action>
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.5
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 05:41 PM
if someone who isn't logged in says something funny enough to cick, then cick the person who started the thread instead.
But what if the person who started the thread is an unfunny bastard?
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0 votes
0.0
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Lila 78,550 13
06/28/2004 05:45 PM
Ever since I got into a monogamous relationship more than 2 years ago I feel sorry for couples who have to use condoms. They all are teh suck. I stick a patch on my ass and it's guilt free sex whenever, wherever!
Followed, of course, by the enormous guilt brought on by 12 years of private schooling.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/28/2004 05:54 PM
Lila, monogamous relationships are also teh suck so you just choose the best of two evils. I say condoms and promiscuity for everyone!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/28/2004 05:54 PM
For your convenience I've conveniently marked all the surrogate clickie dropoff posts with a Darth Vader head.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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firelizard SFC 1,191 12
06/28/2004 05:56 PM
But what if the person who started the thread is an unfunny bastard?
then clickie them anyway cos they need the sympathy clickie.
<action>unfunny maybe but no bastard</action>
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 05:58 PM
I'd like to stick my patch on lila's ass.
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1 votes
0.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 05:59 PM
I nailed a chick last week and I don't even know her last name.
Yay me!
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0 votes
0.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 06:03 PM
Get that surrogate clickie post out.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/28/2004 06:04 PM
I can't wait for a surrogate clickie drop-off post! I'm going to have to create my own personal method to give clickies to Oboe, I can tell.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 06:05 PM
Screw it. I gave your clickie to Racoon. You better learn to be quicker with the surrogate posts.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
06/28/2004 06:07 PM
I guess that cancels the maha I got today for no apparent reason. It's all EVEN STEVEN!
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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Lila 78,550 13
06/28/2004 06:31 PM
Um, yeah, monogamomy sucks.
Say the people who can't get a second date.
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Hilarious
2 votes
4.0
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Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
06/28/2004 06:47 PM
Great, just something to add even more pressure in the bedroom on me, it is bad enough trying to last longer then 18.341 seconds, now I have to worry about my penis spontaneously exploding.
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Chuckleworthy
1 votes
2.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 06:52 PM
I can get a second date.
Really.
I can.
Really.
weeps
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0 votes
0.0
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Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
06/28/2004 06:53 PM
...I nailed a chick last week and I don't even know her last name.
...It was "Steve". You really should turn a light on now and then.
...cancels the maha I got today for no apparent reason. It's all EVEN STEVEN!
Maybe for you, but Steve's ass is probably sore.
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0 votes
0.0
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
06/28/2004 06:54 PM
Steve.. I mean Amy said he.. I mean she came three times.
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