Declan McManus, Irritated American. 131,874 36
06/27/2004 01:26 PM

The guidelines:



They have to be gross



They don't have to be about Dahmer.

Dolphin Meat 2,598 9
06/27/2004 01:32 PM

What, like when you throw Goatse against the wall, and he sticks?

Anita Sparring Partner 6,762 9
06/27/2004 01:33 PM

What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?

































Line dancing at the nursing home.

Bonky 75,728 15
06/27/2004 01:39 PM

Which one of you mangey varmints shot my penis?!

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 01:41 PM

What is black and white and red all over?



A nun in a blender!

PuggyD 48,304 12
06/27/2004 01:41 PM

What did they find in Jeffrey Dahmer's freezer?







Ben and Jerry!

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 01:44 PM

"Doctor," the man said frantically into the phone, "I've got a problem. My wife was lying in bed nude with her legs wide open and a mouse ran up into her Carroll!"

"I'll be right there," the doctor said. "but for now, wave a piece of cheese outside the hole. Maybe the mouse will run out."

The man said he'd follow the advice. But when the doctor got there, the man was waving a flounder between his wife's legs.

"What are you doing?" the doctor yelled. "Mice dont like fish."

"Mice, hell," the man replied."Before we get the mouse, we've got to get the cat out of there first."

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 01:46 PM

Stolen, eh.

<action> Fires-up teh Google </action>



What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?



They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 01:49 PM

A man decides to visit a whorehouse. He is sitting in the waiting room when he notices jars of tomatoes on the shelves. Suddenly noticing that he is hungry, he opens a jar and precedes to devour an entire jar. The next day he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his prostitute. On the third day he asks a hooker where they got those juicy tomatoes. The whore replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last weeks abortions "

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 01:50 PM

There were two truck drivers in a truck riding down the interstate when one of them told the other one he had to take a dump. Since they were on the road and there were no truck stops for miles, he decided to stop the truck and go behind a bush and do his business but there was only one problem...he didnt have any toilet paper.He asked his partner if he had some paper.He didn't have any paper, but suggested that his friend wipe with a dollar. The man agreed and went behind the bush and handled his business. He came from behind the bush with poop all over his hand so his partner asked him what happened and he replied,"Do you know how hard it is to wipe your ass with four quarters?"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 01:54 PM

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone.



Two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. One drops his coveralls and bends over and the other starts licking his butt.



The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she starts spewing up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

The first one pulls his overalls back up and says to the other "You're right, that hind-lick manoeuvre works like a charm."

Anita Sparring Partner 6,762 9
06/27/2004 01:54 PM

What did Spock see in the toilet?



The Captain's Log!



*ba-doom CRASH!*

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 01:56 PM

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.



The next weekend, they are in the same bar.



The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."



The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."



The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 02:00 PM

A man walks into a bar and sits down to a man that is obviously intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, "Did you crap your pants?" The drunk said "yup." The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't you go to the bathroom?", to which the drunk replied, "Cause I ain't done yet!"

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 02:02 PM

An old lady goes at the doctors: "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."



The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."



The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."



The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 02:03 PM

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.



"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."



At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.



"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 02:04 PM

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.



As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.



"What's this, "she asked.



"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 02:05 PM

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.



"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."



The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.



After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"



"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 02:09 PM

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"



He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."



She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.



He yells at her, "What was that?"



She replies "Touchdown, tie score."



Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he Shakespeares in bed.



The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"



He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/27/2004 02:11 PM

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"



She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 02:27 PM

One of the few jokes I know about poop:



Two statues: a man and a woman. Many a year they spent looking longingly at each other. Then, one morning an angel appeared before the statues and proclaimed, "For your stoic patience, God will grant you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.



The two statues, smiling bashfully at each other, dove behind some bushes.



After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel asked the statues: "You still have 15 minutes. Would you not like to continue?"



The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"



Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!"

Emenius 1,433 10
06/27/2004 02:41 PM

Stolen jokes?





Two statues: a man and a woman. Many a year they spent looking longingly at each other. Then, one morning an angel appeared before the statues and proclaimed, "For your stoic patience, God will grant you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.



The two statues, smiling bashfully at each other, dove behind some bushes.



After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel asked the statues: "You still have 15 minutes. Would you not like to continue?"



The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"



Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!"

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 02:43 PM

What's dumb?

-Directions on toilet paper.

What's dumber than that?

-Reading them.

Dumber still?

-Reading them and learning something new.

Dumbest of all?

-Reading them and having to correct something that you've been doing wrong.

Anita Sparring Partner 6,762 9
06/27/2004 02:54 PM

A complete list of TheFoye's stolen jokes can be found right here for your viewing convenience later.

SCOTTISH SAVIORA 666 10
06/27/2004 02:59 PM

Early one morning, a old Scot came into a pub and started drinking. Once he was a wee tipsy, he suddenly pointed at the wall beside him and proclaimed to the bartender: "Ah built that wall with me own two hands! But do they call me Angus the Wallbuilder? No!"



10 minutes passed, and so did Angus' tipsiness; now he was blind drunk. Suddenly he pointed at a fence outside of the window and yelled at the bartender: "Ah built that fence with all me sixteen fingarrrs! But do they call me Angus the Fencebuilder? No!"



As Angus' bitterness grew, so did his intoxication. Once he was totally pissed, he stumbled from his stool and attempted to point at a church in the distance. He then slurred at the bartender: "Aah buiillt that ho..holy windmill with me own...three hands! But do they call me Angus the Holy Windmil..Churchthing?? NO! You Frost one lousy goat...!

Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
06/27/2004 03:07 PM

A tough old truck driver goes into a whorehouse and says, "I've had hookers from Alaska to Maine. Gimme somethin' I've never had before."



The madam takes his money and tells him to go up to room 201 and see Hurricane Hattie.



The truck goes up, and Hattie lets him into the room. "Take your clothes off, honey, and lie down on your back."



As he's lying there, Hattie squats over him and starts farting into his face.



"What the hell you doin', woman!" he roars.



"I'm Hurricane Hattie, and those are the warm tropical winds starting to blow," she answers.



"Damn, well I ain't never seen that one before."



Hattie then leans down and begins knocking her large tits against the trucker's face.



"What the hell you doin', woman!" he asks again.



"I'm Hurricane Hattie, and those are the coconuts being blown out o the tree."



"Damn, I guess I asked for it," the trucker thinks.



Then Hattie squats over him again and starts peeing on his face.



"Damn, woman! What the hell is THAT!"



"I'm Hurricane Hattie, and that's the warm tropical rains starting to fall."



The trucker gets up and starts pulling on his pants.



"Where you goin'," Hattie asks. "Don't you wanna fhuck?"



"Who can fhuck in this kind of weather?"

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 03:09 PM

A man was taking a walk on the beach when he saw a deformed woman crying. He asked, "Whats wrong?"

-"Look at me! I have no arms, I have no legs, I'm so lonely and I've never been Frosted!"

The man takes the woman lovingly in his arms, and they ride out into the red sunset on his yacht.

All alone, in the middle of nowhere, the man takes her in his arms yet again, whispering: "You're Frosted now"...

and throws her overboard.

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
06/27/2004 03:11 PM

What's grosser than gross?

-A barrel full of dead babies.

What's grosser than that?

-One that is is alive on the bottom.

What's grosser than that?

-He's eating his way to the top.

What's grosser than that?

-He made it.

SCOTTISH SAVIORA 666 10
06/27/2004 03:16 PM

What's grosser than that?











<a href='www.tubgirl.com'>This</a>

SCOTTISH SAVIORA 666 10
06/27/2004 03:17 PM

Okay, so my link attempts were grosser. Shoot me.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 03:19 PM

BANG!

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 03:31 PM

Why don't witches wear panties?





So they can grip their brooms better.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 03:38 PM

Q: Whats the difference between acne and a priest?

A: Acne waits until you're 14 to cum on you're face

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
06/27/2004 03:43 PM

What does an 80 year old snatch taste like?









-Depends

ringworm 68,315 13
06/27/2004 04:06 PM

on what?

Anita Sparring Partner 6,762 9
06/27/2004 04:21 PM

On what yo' momma had for dinner.

Anita Sparring Partner 6,762 9
06/27/2004 04:22 PM

Sorry, ring, you left that one WIIIIDE open.





Not unlike Snipe's bum.

Munkus 2,801 10
06/27/2004 04:24 PM

Q. What's brown and sticky?



A. A stick





Q. What's black and white and eats like a horse?



A. A zebra

Sheldwyn 14,626 9
06/27/2004 04:29 PM

Why doesn't jesus eat m&m's?







because they keep falling through the holes in his hands.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 04:29 PM

Munkus:...brown stick.

Snork:?

Munkus 2,801 10
06/27/2004 04:31 PM

How many klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?



A true klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark!

Munkus 2,801 10
06/27/2004 04:32 PM

yay my first professional stalker

confucious 13 8
06/27/2004 04:35 PM

old...



Q. whats long hard and full of "seamen"?

A. a submarine

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
06/27/2004 04:39 PM

My dick is also full of sea-men.



Yes, it's that big...

D.B. Cooper 1,800 12
06/27/2004 04:39 PM

Know how to stop a dog from humping your leg?



Roll him over and suck on his dick.

Anita Sparring Partner 6,762 9
06/27/2004 04:40 PM

This thread became grossly unfunny.

Phlamingo 131,068 34
06/27/2004 04:41 PM

How about ungrossly sort-of-funny?



Why did the siamese twins move to England?





The other one wanted to drive.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 06:13 PM

2 gay couples in San Fran plan a trip to Seattle. One couple is male, the other female. Who gets to Seattle first and why?







the lesbians get there first... Because they did 69 the whole way... and the guys were still home packing their Shakespeare

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 06:17 PM

a guy gets on an elevator with a big fat broad... he says, can I smell your snatch?



she says no



he says: then it must be your feet

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 06:18 PM

What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after he dumped his girlfriend?





Wiped his butt.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 06:21 PM

what do you call a hair between an old lady's tits?







her Poe

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 06:26 PM

3 tampons are walking down the street. Which one of them says hello first?







none of them, they were all stuckup Carrolls

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
06/27/2004 06:33 PM

ok , last one for right now, i have searched my Frost-ing hard drive for the last hour and a half for this list of Jackie Martlings jokes.









did you hear that JonBenets father is under suspicion?





evidently he disturbed the crime scene... when he jerked off on her body

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/28/2004 03:01 PM

A man walks past an ice cream stand that advertises, "Every flavour ice cream in the world."



"BullShakespeare," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavour ice cream in the world?" "O.K., I would like three scoops of Carroll flavoured ice cream please."



"No problem sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.



Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like Carroll, it tastes like Shakespeare!" The assistant replies,



"Of course it tastes like Shakespeare when you take such long licks!"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/28/2004 03:05 PM

Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?

A: A Doberman in a playground



Q. What do you call an Ethiopian with a swollen toe?

A. A golf club.



Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?

A: The hotdogs all taste like Shakespeare!

PotatoCouch 14,056 9
06/28/2004 03:13 PM

(Guys, don't read this if you ever want to have sex again. Or the first time.)



A man was on a business trip to Amsterdam. He was walking around a seedy part of town with a couple of bucks in his pocket.

He sees a brothel that he's heard of for being cheap, and, being bored, he decided to go in.



He asked the lady at the counter what he could get for a couple of American dollars, and she said, "I have just the woman for you, go up the stairs and it's the third room on the left."



He went and had his way with the girl in there, but when he was done, all of this white stuff started pouring out of her eyes, ears, mouth and nose. He panicked and ran downstairs, telling the lady about it.



She calmly picked up a phone, dialed a number, and said:



"Ed, the dead one's full again."

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/28/2004 03:16 PM

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,

"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?".

"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/28/2004 03:18 PM

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.



After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.



The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.



The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."



She says, "Smell the rim."

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/29/2004 02:04 PM

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.



The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"



The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.



They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.



Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.



The newspaper headline read:



IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.



The bad part is it's a true story.

Katsmeow is stuck in the sliding glass door 2,401 10
06/29/2004 02:20 PM

What do elephants use as tampons?











-Sheep.

Llamapyjamas 7,194 10
06/29/2004 02:28 PM

A vampire walks into a bar and asks for a glass of blood. The bartender thinks it's odd, but serves him anyway. The next day, that vampire comes in again, asks for another glass of blood, and is served by the bartender. On the third day, the vampire walks in and orders a cup of hot water.



"Hot water?" asks the bartender. "Why not blood?"



The vampire pulls out a used tampon. "I'm having tea."

ringworm 68,315 13
06/29/2004 02:49 PM

The bad part is it's a true story.



no.

Mofo Baggins, Heavy Whacko 10,950 10
06/29/2004 02:50 PM

I think i've used this before...



What's the difference between a Porsche and a barrel full of dead babies?















I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Mofo Baggins, Heavy Whacko 10,950 10
06/29/2004 02:59 PM

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, "Mom, the last few nights I have woken up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"



The startled mother recovers quickly and she says, "Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."



The little kid just shakes his head and says, "Mom, you're wasting your time because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over & blows daddy right back up!"

TheFoye 55,700 16
06/29/2004 03:04 PM

Well I stand corrected, Thank you Ringworm!!

Mofo Baggins, Heavy Whacko 10,950 10
06/29/2004 03:06 PM

Uuughh. I did not want to see that.

http://www.yourjokes.co.uk/images/pdick4.jpg



*>O<*

*>O<*

*>O<*

*>O<*

*>O<*

Katsmeow is stuck in the sliding glass door 2,401 10
06/29/2004 03:07 PM

A fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self diagnosis.



"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you" said the doctor. Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."



Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.



"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm" advises doc. Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. The doctor takes the cookie and rams IT up the patients ass.



"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie" says the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head. Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.

Katsmeow is stuck in the sliding glass door 2,401 10
06/29/2004 03:07 PM

After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to = bring in a banana and a hammer."



"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like. "Nope, a hammer" confirmed the doctor. The last day the doctor says "Okay, you know the routine". So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.



Then a little head pokes out the patients ass."WHERE'S MY COOKIE?"



*********WHAM*********

Chapped Labia/Sandy Vulva 311 9
06/29/2004 03:18 PM

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.

"As a doctor, you'll need to develop two key skills," the professor begins. "The first is stoicism. You can't be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse's butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.

"Now do the same," he instructs.

The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver's anus and then sucking on it.

When everyone has finished, the professor continues, "The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention."

ringworm 68,315 13
06/29/2004 04:06 PM

yeah, someone posted that two days ago (in this very thread). do try and keep up, won't you?

Pickle Weasle 4,016 9
07/23/2004 09:55 PM

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?











































A stick!

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 10:00 PM

This is my best thread!

Pickle Weasle 4,016 9
07/23/2004 10:04 PM

There are 2 guys siting at a bar drinking beers. The first guy says to the second "You know that these are magical beers eh, they make you fly!" The scond guy doesnt believe him, so the first guy goes and jumps out a window and flys around the building. The second guy chugs his beer and takes a running leap out the window and falls screaming to his death. The first guy flys back in and sits at the bar. The bartender says "When you drink you are such an Emerson Superman."



Obviously a "stolen" joke..so SUYT

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
07/23/2004 10:07 PM

An O.B.G.Y.N. was was examining a patient and couldn't help from commenting,

"My God you are big!"

"My God you are big!"

The woman now a bit embarassed and equally ticked, says back to him,

"Well, you didn't have to say it twice!"

To which the Dr. replied,

"I didn't!"

"I didn't!"

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 10:09 PM

Just for the record, all(most?) the jokes I post I don't copy/paste.



I obviously heard them somewhere, it's pretty hard to think of your own, but I do tell them in my own words.

Pickle Weasle 4,016 9
07/23/2004 10:12 PM

Wanna hear a yoke?



ROTTEN EGGS

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 10:15 PM

ROTTEN EGGS?

Oh do tell, how drle.



Har, har, har.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,757 15
07/23/2004 10:17 PM

I have been guilty of recalling one and searching for it, changing a word or two or ten, and pasting it here.



If we had to wait for members to write their own, (really write them, as in author) we would be submerged in mahas or staring at an empty thread I fear.

Briham and cheese omelette 38,843 10
07/23/2004 10:48 PM

One night this guy is feeling really horny. He mentions this at a bar and one of his drinking buddies tells about this whorehouse a couple blocks away. He says there is this one incredible whore who will give an awesome blowjob and sing opera at the same time. The guy immediatly finds this whorehouse and asks for the singing hooker. He is directed to a room and the hooker in there tells him that she will do her special trick, but the lights must remain off. The guy agrees and gets the most incredible blowjob ever while she clearly sings opera to him. He becomes very curious as to how she is doing this, so he turns on the light during the fellatio. The first thing he sees is her glass eye sitting on the table...

SkinnySumo 44 9
07/23/2004 11:35 PM

A guy walk into a bar, sits down and notices a leper sitting next to him. The man orders a shot, drinks it, looks over at the leper, and then throws up. The leper turns and says to the man, "if I'm grossing you out, then I'll leave", to which the man replies "no no, its not you" and proceeds to order another drink. He drinks it and again looks over at the leper and throws up. The leper says to the man, "I know im grossing you out, so I'll leave", and the guy says again, "no no, it's not you". The man orders a third shot, drinks it, looks over at the leper and throws up again. The leper is pretty mad now and gets up to leave saying "I know im grossing you out, so I'll just leave" to which the guy says, "no no its not you...its the guy dipping his chips into your back"

Briham and cheese omelette 38,843 10
07/23/2004 11:37 PM

What did the leper say to the hooker?







Keep the tip.

TheFoye 55,700 16
07/24/2004 01:07 AM

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac

scattercat84 37 8
10/21/2004 04:06 PM

As I've Matured...



I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is

stalk them and hope they panic and give in...



I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.



I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.



I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenlydistributed.



I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they aremore screwed up than you think.



I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.



I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.



I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.



I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.



I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.



I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.



I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.



I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.



I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it



I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.



I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Declan McManus, irritated bear. 131,874 36
10/21/2004 04:27 PM

I am SO flattered! It did a search!

TheFoye 55,700 16
10/21/2004 04:31 PM

I linked it in the joke thread! Your welcome Declan!

Gabe 9,232 13
10/21/2004 04:38 PM

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer. Looking down the bar, he notices an orangutan sitting there, nursing a drink. He motions the bartender over.



"What's the deal with him?" he asks.



"Check this out," the bartender says. He pulls a thick lead pipe out from under the bar, walks over to the orangutan and clouts him on the head.



The orangutan falls onto the floor, and then leaps up and down screeching. Finally he jumps over the bar, yanks down the bartenders pants and sucks him off. As he crawls back onto his stool, the bartender pulled up his pants and drew the ape another beer.



"So," the bartender said, walking over to the man and giving the pipe a little shake. "You want to try it?"



The man looked a little taken aback.



"I guess so," he said. "Just don't hit me so hard."

gary the noob 59 8
10/21/2004 06:33 PM

Frost,Shakespeare,Coleridge,Balls.

DavidMcOver 28 8
10/21/2004 07:48 PM

What's the best thing about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!

Minion O' Mally 52 8
06/29/2005 02:06 AM

Why doesn't the old man eat out his wife anymore?









Have you ever tried to pull apart grilled cheese?

Minion O' Mally 52 8
06/29/2005 02:08 AM

How many campers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?







That's silly, campers screw in tents!

Mwahiy 5,425 9
06/29/2005 03:18 AM

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my testicles!!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,



"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket"

Mwahiy 5,425 9
06/29/2005 03:21 AM

Bill & George were down on their luck and needed a beer. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bill came up with a brilliant idea. "I'll take the 50c and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

He went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in George's fly. They then went to a nearby bar. "Two beers", said Bill to the barman.They downed them as fast as they could and the barman waited for the money. All of a sudden, Bill got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of George's fly. "Get out of my bar, you gay bastards!", the barman screamed and booted them out the door. They did this all day, going to about 16 bars, and getting thrown out before paying for their beers.

"I just can't do this anymore", Bill whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling down on the floor so much. We'll have to swap places."

"We can't", said George.



I ate the sausage after the third pub."