McStupid 13,155 9
07/02/2004 04:28 AM

I'm looking forward to seeing it, just to see what the hype is about. I saw Roger & Me, his first film, in high school and thought it was pretty good.

Hyperspaz - Buck, Buck Champion of the World! 959 9
07/02/2004 04:44 AM

Michael Moore is a bore

Jantastic 10,022 10
07/02/2004 04:47 AM

<action>watches the point of the thread fly over Spaz and Stupid's heads</action>



Geez, look at that thing go!

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/02/2004 04:56 AM

Oh my god! It's been sucked into Moore's gravitational field!



Noooooo!

Anita Humpalot 6,762 9
07/02/2004 06:41 AM

<action> posts randomly



Relatively old joke--



President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:



"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.

"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."

"That's easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."

Dolphin Meat 2,598 9
07/02/2004 07:58 AM

Dear Tech Support:

Several years ago, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow-down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. And then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Try to enter the command: "C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Ears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5.

WARNING: Grumpy Silence 2.5 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 3.2.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0.This program is not supportive.



In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Have a Great Day !!!!

Sheldwyn 14,626 9
07/02/2004 08:46 AM

There once was a guy named dave,

Who found a dead hooker in a cave,

she was ugly as Shakespeare,

only had one tit,

but think of the money dave saved!

CSI: Dead Robot 67,630 16
07/02/2004 09:12 AM

A bartender walks into a tiger den and asks for the most girly drink ever.



The tiger says, "Raaaaar!"

The BobJohnson ChatBot 178,045 22
07/31/2004 03:53 PM

Have any of you read Theresa Heinz Kerry's new book? It's called "It Takes a Villa."

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/31/2004 03:59 PM

What's that, mister fat pants?

Munkus 2,801 10
07/31/2004 08:11 PM

Stolen jokes eh....



While visiting my local health food store, I noticed how many non-food products are labeled "All-Natural."...............

Marilyn 12,471 13
07/31/2004 08:15 PM

I just saw it three days ago. I thought it was going to be more severe. I already knew all that stuff. And I cried twice.



During the previews.

Klam 291 9
07/31/2004 08:24 PM

Why was 6 afraid of 7 because 789. Hahaha Thats from the second grade.

Marilyn 12,471 13
07/31/2004 08:27 PM

My favorite part of gab is the numbers ate numbers jokes.



Because it's totally absurd.

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
07/31/2004 08:47 PM

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I swear I've forgotten this before.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/31/2004 09:00 PM

I like to throw expired dairy products at walls and watch the curds go 'way.

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
07/31/2004 09:12 PM

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.



The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.



The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.



The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Anita Blake 6,762 9
07/31/2004 09:22 PM

(stolen from Mr. Glass's website)



Frequently Asked Questions



-"Why do my parents hate me?"



-Well Timmy, I'm not a professor of science, but I can tell you that the cause of the problem is genetic.

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
07/31/2004 09:58 PM

SUPPLIES!

Daggy 86,705 14
07/31/2004 10:52 PM

Knock Knock.



Who's there?



The interrupting sh.... er, dog.





The interrupting dog wh..



BAH!... I mean WOOF!

Daggy 86,705 14
07/31/2004 10:52 PM

What? It's not the same joke!

Pegleg Chickens 286,472 61
08/01/2004 12:37 AM

Beer obviously has female homones in it.



After a few, you talk too much, cry too often, and drive like Shakespeare.

Frogpop 173,153 25
08/01/2004 12:48 AM

and you have to pee frequently.

TheFoye 55,700 16
08/01/2004 02:53 AM

So, I checked out that Farenheit 911 movie. I can't believe how popular it is!



I had to wait in line for nearly 4 hours!



I mean, not for the movie. But I was behind Michael Moore at the concession stand.













If I'm going to steal on might as well be one with a lot of clickies!

Rob Borer 958 8
08/01/2004 02:57 AM

When you Frost a horse, you always have a ride home.

Salathor 258 8
08/01/2004 04:03 AM

Stolen jokes?



When you Frost a horse, you still have to ride home.

Salathor 258 8
08/01/2004 04:03 AM

Now see, I don't go for cheap word-for-word plagarism.

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
08/01/2004 04:22 AM

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a

masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily, the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy

daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in

tears. What's wrong? asked the mother. I was taking a tinkle and

this bullet came out, replied the daughter. The mother told her it was

okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later, the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out. Again, the mother

told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. It's okay, said

the Mom, I know what happened....you were taking a tinkle and a bullet

came out.

No, said the boy, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!

Where have all the heathery men gone? 520 10
08/01/2004 04:40 AM

An interrupting sheep walks into aBAAA!

Pegleg Chickens 286,472 61
08/01/2004 09:18 AM

I asked BooBoo Kitty if I was the first man she had ever slept with, to which she replied, "Why does EVERYONE ask me that?"

EmpLloyd 48,662 14
08/01/2004 10:36 AM

I tell ya, no respect at all.



When I was a baby, I was breastfed by my father!



When I was a kid, I asked my mother to throw me a toy while I was taking a bath. She threw me a radio.



My wife told me she wants to have sex in the back seat of a car. And she wants me to drive!



I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house!



I came home from work the other day and there was a guy in front of my house, jogging naked! I asked him how come and he said "because you came home early!"

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
08/01/2004 02:31 PM

<action>Swoons</action>



My first Chicken lay and I was off sleeping..Story of my life..

Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
08/01/2004 02:40 PM

I'm dating a homeless woman.



After sex, I can drop her off anywhere.

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
08/01/2004 02:51 PM

For you my sweet pegleg......



The perfect man is gentle

Never cruel or mean

He has a beautiful smile

And keeps his face so clean.



The perfect man likes children

And will raise them by your side

He will be a good father

As well as a good husband to his bride.



The perfect man loves cooking

Cleaning and vacuuming too

He'll do anything in his power

To convey his feelings of love for you.



The perfect man is sweet

Writing poetry from your name

He's a best friend to your mother

And kisses away your pain.



He has never made you cry

Or hurt you In any way

Oh, Frost this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay

Pegleg Chickens 286,472 61
08/01/2004 05:23 PM

Ya ya ya



Why is every woman searching for a guy who's careing, sensitive, a good dresser, clean, who loves to talk all night?



Cause all those guys already have boyfriends.

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
08/01/2004 05:34 PM

Isn't that what I said?





ANd I'd also like to add they're all either married or gay...

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
08/01/2004 05:36 PM

*And even







This is why I stay alone, it's safer that way....

The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
08/01/2004 06:03 PM

Here lie the bones of "Corkscrew Dick"

Who was born with a corkscrew dick.

So began his life-long hunt

For a woman with a corkscrew Carroll.

When he found her, he fell over dead.

'Cause that goddamned bitch had a left-hand thread.

Fluro 14,139 11
08/01/2004 11:28 PM

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go Frost the cat."

Dolphin.net 2,598 9
08/01/2004 11:38 PM

Female Brain

The High Priestess of Stewie 58,869 29
08/01/2004 11:57 PM

A Talking Muffin!

Fluro 14,139 11
08/02/2004 12:11 AM

A guy goes up to a girl in bar and says, "You want to play Magic?"



She says, "What's that?"



The guy answers, "We go to my house and Frost, and then you disappear."

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/02/2004 12:14 AM

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.



In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.



In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.



Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon.



In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.



Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.



In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback

barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope

you could outrun him.



In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms together.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/02/2004 12:21 AM

And then there's my two personal favourites:



Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.



In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.

The Great Hobo 20 9
08/02/2004 03:41 AM

In the begining God created the Earth and rested!

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman. Since then neither God nor Man has rested.

El Hammerheado 59,399 14
08/02/2004 03:46 AM

They have proven scientifically that there is a food that will cause women to lose all sexual desire...





...it's called wedding cake.

Where have all the heathery men gone? 520 10
08/02/2004 04:35 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were camping. Holmes said to Watson - "Watson, look up at the stars. What do you deduce?". Watson looks up and thinks for a while, then speaks: "well, I can see thousands of stars up there. I can deduce that if there are thousands of stars that I can see then there must be millions and millions of out of sight from me throughout our infinite universe. Now if even a tiny fraction of those stars have planets around them, like our sun, and if even a tiny fraction of those planets hold life, like our planet, and if even a tiny fraction of that life is like us, then I deduce that we are not alone in the universe." Holmes nodded sagely, and Watson said "what do you deduce?" Holmes said "elementary, my dear Watson. Someone has stolen our tent."

TheFoye 55,700 16
08/02/2004 04:42 AM

THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF JERKING OFF!



Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry you won't go blind from jerking off unless you shoot sperm in your eye.



Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught.



Do have a place to shoot your load already set up.



Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it.



Do jerk off in the shower, as this will hide any and all evidence of your perverted behavior.



Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This builds up your sperm count incredibly!



Do not get sperm on yourself.



Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try to clean it up with toilet paper.



Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that you'll shoot it across the room. This can cause irreversible damage to your johnson.



Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load or you'll get a cramp and ruin the moment.



Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is future jerk off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be able to use it again!



Do not ever jerk off while taking a Shakespeare. That is Frost-ing disgusting!



Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking off. That would make you gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)



Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication!



Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into your own mouth! (unless you're gay then it's ok)



Do not participate in any group jerk off sessions or any circle jerk events. If you do, don't get anyone else's sperm on you.

TheFoye 55,700 16
08/02/2004 04:59 AM

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!" The cat turned tail and ran.



With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settled, and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children, "Now, what's the lesson from that experience?"



"We don't know," the baby mice squeaked.



"It is this," said Mom Mouse. "It's always good to know a second language."

mewho 12 8
08/02/2004 08:11 AM

plagerism is great

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/02/2004 11:01 AM

A newly-married wife is waiting for her husband to come home, but it's starting to get late. She turns on the TV and puts on the news, wondering if there's a traffic accident.



She's just in time; on one of the roads her husband travels, there's someone going the wrong way! She quickly calls up her hubby. 'Be careful coming home, dear; there's someone going to wrong way on your route.'



The husband responds, 'I know! But it's not just one; it's all of them'.

TheFoye 55,700 16
08/03/2004 03:40 AM

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

TheFoye 55,700 16
08/03/2004 03:58 AM

Hmmm I might want to rethink that then......











ow it hurts







Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.....







WOAH I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Fluro 14,139 11
08/03/2004 06:34 AM

Ok spankerchief got you an instant clicke from me.

Feckoff 2,552 9
08/03/2004 08:08 AM

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.



Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Feckoff 2,552 9
08/03/2004 08:22 AM

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it





I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.



Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.





Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.





Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.





Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.





Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.





I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it

cynful 215 9
08/03/2004 12:39 PM

Men are like parking spaces. All the good ones are either taken or handicapped.

Fratberry 282,833 53
08/03/2004 01:11 PM

An Auburn fan was on his honeymoon. He was a little nervous since he'd never had sex before. His wife, attempting to calm his nerves told him "Look honey, all you have to do is take that thing you play with and put it where I pee."



So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.

BobJohnson, President of Tralfamadore 178,045 22
09/22/2004 10:38 PM

Dan Rather should resign.



He's the leader of his organization -- the commander in chief, if you will. Sure it's a big organization, but ultimately he's got to take responsibility for what happened during his watch. Being "misled" by others is no excuse.



And what's worse is that, instead of admitting he made a decision based on bad information, he let it drag out, continually denying it.



The Secretary of Defense at CBS should resign too.

Zackman 3,927 0
09/22/2004 10:39 PM

Maybe our C.I.C. will follow Dan's lead.

millie 116,984 28
09/22/2004 11:04 PM

A guy comes home from work one day, and as he's changing out of his work clothes, he notices a dollar on the bedside table. "Hey honey," he calls to his wife, "what's that dollar doing on the nightstand?"



She says, "Oh, the mailman must have forgotten it."



He says, "Why would the mailman leave a dollar on the nightstand?"



She answers, "Don't you remember? I asked you what to give the mailman for a tip, and you said 'Frost him--give him a buck!'"

Caveman 160 8
09/22/2004 11:56 PM

Caveman tell joke.





Caveman check Farenheit 911 movie. Caveman can't believe how popular it is!



Caveman had to wait in line for nearly 4 hours!



Caveman mean, not for the movie. But Caveman was behind Michael Moore at the concession stand.

TableTopJane...look closer 173,958 15
09/22/2004 11:59 PM

Caveman not Vlad. Caveman make Jane angry.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
09/23/2004 12:03 AM

Caveman and Vlad both make me angry. Speaking in the third person is wrong. Very, very wrong.

TableTopJane...look closer 173,958 15
09/23/2004 12:10 AM

Jane agrees with RR.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
09/23/2004 12:14 AM

Jane, don't make me spank you.

TableTopJane...look closer 173,958 15
09/23/2004 12:15 AM

Jane thinks a spanking may be the only thing to straighten her out.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
09/23/2004 12:16 AM

Do I need to get the leather paddle? Hmm?

Sabre Toothed Tiger 38,843 10
09/23/2004 12:16 AM

<action>devours caveman</action>

just me ok with the Stinky Spiggot 13,787 15
09/23/2004 12:24 AM

Why do you wrap your hamster in Duct Tape?















So it doesn't explode when you Frost. it!

BobJohnson, President of Tralfamadore 178,045 22
09/23/2004 12:28 AM

I can't believe you all didn't love that Dan Rather joke. This is the last time I go to all the trouble of watching TV and stealing their clever jokes!