The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 10:28 AM

What's the difference between an amateur and a professional?



The amateur thinks there are 1000 bytes in a kilobyte.



The professional knows there are 1024 meters in a kilometer.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 11:28 AM

The day Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck is the day they'll start making vacuum cleaners.

Chickens aint in Kansas anymore 286,472 61
07/02/2004 11:34 AM

*hides Gab*

Yeah, I'm on the computer, just checking the market real quick, honey.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 12:48 PM

I'm going to run out, I've but 2-3 left...

I was so hoping to read something funny on a subject so close to heart...

BobJohnson, Oil Baron 178,045 22
07/02/2004 03:09 PM

Some engineers are debating what type of engineer God is.



The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints and moving parts on the human body!"



The electrical engineer says, "No, God must be an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is an incredibly complicated, yet beautiful, electrical system."



The civil engineer says, "No, God is definately a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste removal system through a recreational area?"

The Menace from... uh... Limburg 895 9
07/02/2004 03:20 PM

Snork, you suck at the metric system.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 06:43 PM

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."







P.S. The ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1

IronChef 164 8
07/02/2004 06:54 PM

But really, it might as well be 15mil:1. Have you ever seen a female software engineer you'd put your willie anywhere near?

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 06:55 PM

Have you ever seen a female software engineer ?

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/02/2004 07:21 PM

ahem

<action>clears throat</action>

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/02/2004 07:21 PM

Have you ever seen a female software engineer you'd put your willie anywhere near?



would she let you? No.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 07:26 PM

Would I ask her? No.

Chance 171,270 14
07/02/2004 07:28 PM

if you want to get technical, like I'm sure software engineers do, we haven't actually seen you.

Please to be posting pictures.

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/02/2004 07:37 PM

look at the last picture. No idea what I was doing but my ex-husband was there so ......



now show you.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/02/2004 07:43 PM

Ahhh! PINK!

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/02/2004 07:44 PM

NOT, I repeat not my website.

ringworm 68,315 13
07/02/2004 07:57 PM

you're as pretty as any of them. you just need a nose job.

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/02/2004 07:58 PM

Its a roman nose.











Its roman all over my face.

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
07/03/2004 04:25 AM

How do you describe the color blue to a blind person?



<0 0 255>

PersianZug 888 9
07/03/2004 07:21 AM

i have decided to become a vegitarian. i started gnawing on ms bacons leg, and i got the taste of toms liquid soap. say it with me john, THAT BASTAR D TOM TRIED TO MURDER US!

PersianZug 888 9
07/03/2004 07:23 AM

see the all-natural prank

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
07/04/2004 04:11 PM

0101011101101000011110010010000001100

1000110100101100100001000000111010001

1010000110010100100000011000110110100

0011010010110001101101011011001010110

1110001000000100001101110010011011110

1110011011100110010000001110100011010

0001100101001000000101001001101111011

0000101100100001111110000110100001010

0000110100001010010101000110111100100

0000110011101100101011101000010000001

1101000110111100100000011101000110100

0011001010010000001001111011101000110

1000011001010111001001110011011010010

11001000110010100101110 HAHAHAHA!

Munkus 2,801 10
07/04/2004 04:14 PM

I'll be first to admit that I'M a dork joke

newwave 45,912 10
07/04/2004 05:11 PM

You misspelled 01100011011010000110100101100011

01101011011001010110111001110011.

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/04/2004 05:35 PM

Theorem: 3=4

Proof:



Suppose:

a + b = c



This can also be written as:

4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c



After reorganizing:

4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c



Take the constants out of the brackets:

4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)



Remove the same term left and right:

4 = 3

ringworm 68,315 13
07/04/2004 05:41 PM

4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c



no it doesn't.

Demonigeo 279 10
07/04/2004 05:55 PM

How do you keep an idiot busy?





Scroll down for the answer



















































































Scroll up for the answer

qLoP, Wizard of Oz monkey + Herpes 730 9
07/04/2004 06:30 PM

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key," to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

Munkus 2,801 10
07/04/2004 06:34 PM

It was either on my c64 or my amiga500 that i actually wortoe the word "any" on one of those random blank keys.







It seemed funny at the time and i guess it gave me somthing to do whilest i was going through the mammoth loading times.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 10:24 PM

Since bumping is the 'in' thing since we got a new search engine.



I feel I should also comment on the fact that DooM is coming out.



P.S. Firelizard, you can't divide by zero, and a+b-c=0.

Turkey Breast 39,193 20
07/23/2004 10:30 PM

What do Yoko Ono and starving Ethiopians have in common?



The both live off of dead beetles. AHAHAHAAA!



This joke works so much better out loud. Since I'm already posting, whatever happened to Joe PeaColeridge? Did the scammer get him, or what?

Turkey Breast 39,193 20
07/23/2004 10:31 PM

Damn the swearbot!

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 10:32 PM

Frost it, Frost it hell!



P.S. you can turn it off.

Turkey Breast 39,193 20
07/23/2004 10:33 PM

Yes, I know. I'm just lazy. That and I didn't think it'd catch the name of a GABber.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 10:35 PM

Feel free to insert a 'to' into my previous post.



It's 3.33am. I'm sitting here posting nonsense on a website.



I need help.

39,193 20
07/23/2004 10:37 PM

Yes, you do. Unfortunately, there's no cure for GABitis. Also, it's only 9:30 here, and therefore I don't need as much help as you.

Turkey Breast 39,193 20
07/23/2004 10:38 PM

Dammit. And why am I logged out?

Jantastic 10,022 10
07/23/2004 10:41 PM

The action tag goes in the body of the message, not in the name section.

Turkey Breast 39,193 20
07/23/2004 10:43 PM

That might do it. Thankee.

The Spelunking Snork 45,655 12
09/12/2004 10:17 AM

/*Windows 98 source code.*/



/*

TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code

Project: Chicago(tm)

Projected release-date: Summer 1998

*/



#include "win31.h"

#include "win95.h"

#include "evenmore.h"

#include "oldstuff.h"

#include "billrulz.h"

#define INSTALL_HARD



char make_prog_look_big 1600000 ;



void main()

{

while(!CRASHED)

{

display_copyright_message();

display_bill_rules_message();

do_nothing_loop();



if (first_time_installation)

{

make_50_megabyte_swapfile();

do_nothing_loop();

totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();

search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();

make_futile_attempt_to_damage_Linux();

disable_Netscape();

disable_Lotus_Products();

hang_system();

}



write_something(anything);

display_copyright_message();

do_nothing_loop();

do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)

{

display_copyright_message();

do_nothing_loop();

basically_run_windows_3.1();

do_nothing_loop();

do_nothing_loop();

}

}



if (detect_cache())

disable_cache();



if (fast_cpu())

{

set_wait_states(lots);

set_mouse(speed, very_slow);

set_mouse(action, jumpy);

set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

}



/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */

printf("Welcome to Windows 98");



if (system_ok())

crash(to_dos_prompt);

else

system_memory = open("a:swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);



while(something)

{

sleep(5);

get_user_input();

sleep(5);

act_on_user_input();

sleep(5);

}

create_general_protection_fault();



}



/* Stolen */

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/12/2004 01:57 PM

a + b = c



This can also be written as:

4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c



No it can't. Proof by counter example:



Suppose, a=-1 b=-2 c=-3.



4(-1) - 3(-2) + 4(-2) - 3(-3) =

-4 + 6 - 8 + 9 = 3



4(-3) - 3(-3) = -12 + 9 = -3



Yet, -1 + -2 = -3.



The reduction axiums for subtraction do not work in reverse. Otherwise, you are allowing for the possibility of a division by zero. There's a better proof of this in most advanced algebra textbooks, but the notation doesn't translate well to a pure text format, so I can't write it here. That, and I'll be damned if I can remember it. I'm a CS geek, not a math nerd. But I can still suck the fun out of anything, just like your math types.

TableTopJankey 173,958 15
09/12/2004 02:32 PM

I am so turned on right now. Seriously. I do love me some dorks.

BobJohnson, President of Tralfamadore 178,045 22
09/12/2004 03:00 PM

Boots:



The division by zero problem isn't caused by that step. He's right.



In every case where

a + b = c

The following will also be true

4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c



That's correct. Your "counter example" did not disprove this. -3 = -3. For any set of numbers that satisfies the first equation, the second equation will also be satisfied.



The only problem with his 4=3 proof is the final step when he then divides both sides by (a+b-c).



If a + b = c, then a+b-c must equal 0. This is the point where the proof becomes invalid. As you noted, you can't divide by zero in normal algebra.

Slayer of Shoes 549 9
09/12/2004 03:11 PM

.9 repeating is equal to 1!

(that is not a joke)

Scorpion 4,080 9
09/12/2004 03:18 PM

I came here expecting jokes about whales' penises. What do I get? Intelligent conversation.....what has the world come to?





A simple proof for the last bit:

1/3=0.333repeating

2/3=0.666repeating



1/3 + 2/3 = 3/3 = 1

0.333rep. + 0.666rep. = 0.999rep.



Therefore 0.999rep. = 1



QED

TableTopJankey 173,958 15
09/12/2004 03:21 PM

PI IS EXACTLY 3!

Slayer of Shoes 549 9
09/12/2004 03:21 PM

Here's a better one: Let .9repeating be = X

X = .9 repeating

10X = 9.9 repeating

9X = 9

X = 1

.9 repeating = 1



I.Y.F.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
09/12/2004 03:25 PM

These threads really prove my lack of dorkness.



so.left.out

Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
09/12/2004 03:41 PM

Pi are not square. Pi are round.





Cornbread are square.

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
09/12/2004 04:05 PM

I like Pumpkin Pi.

NaClDave 3,588 9
09/12/2004 10:37 PM

How do you turn a computer on?











Whisper dirty things into the microphone jack......

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
09/13/2004 12:38 AM

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
09/13/2004 01:05 AM

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he's done, he says to the bartender, "So what do I owe ya'?" And so the bartender responds, "Oh, you're free of charge."

Крыса (The Rat) 2,085 9
09/13/2004 01:22 AM

We all know that to hold a girlfriend you need time, and money, so:



girlfriends = time X money



We also know that time is money, time = money



hence



girlfriends = money X money

girlfriends = (money)^2



We also know that money is the root of all evil. So it can be said money = (all evil)^0.5



subsituting into the original equation:



girlfriends = [(all evil)^0.5]^2

girlfriends = all evil

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
09/13/2004 03:19 AM

HA!!! I wuz gonna do that one next u mind thief.

老鼠 (The Rat) 2,085 9
09/13/2004 03:22 AM

But you couldn't work out how to do a square root symbol in gab, yeah I know.

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
09/13/2004 03:40 AM

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!



STOP PROBING MY MIND

Snork: Defender Of The Universe. 45,655 12
02/27/2006 03:47 PM

OK, first, The Wall was a landmark record of Things That Rock and, even though it's overplayed, I would not dare compete with it. Second, It's not like Gab has anything better to do at the moment.



Also, I'm faster at figuring things out than BobJohnson.

HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/27/2006 04:18 PM

No, you're not.

Snork: Defender Of The Universe. 45,655 12
02/27/2006 04:22 PM

I figured out that you a+b-c=0 almost two months before you did.



Neener.

Mr. Sir. 66,713 9
02/27/2006 04:24 PM

If a + b = c, then a+b-c must equal 0. This is the point where the proof becomes invalid. As you noted, you can't divide by zero in normal algebra.

Darrin 21,346 0
02/27/2006 04:24 PM

BobJohnson is way hotter now that he has his own icon.

Mr. Sir. 66,713 9
02/27/2006 04:24 PM

Goddamn Bob Johnson and his lighting fast fingers of doom!

HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/27/2006 04:31 PM

No, Snork, you didn't. I first saw that joke (actually, the 2=1 version, but it's the same thing) in high school (about 8 years ago). Here, though, I was merely replying to Boots', explaining why his explanation was dumb.



If I honestly thought you were better than me at anything, I would kill myself. And it would be done in such an awesome manner that mere mortals can't even imagine the method.



Did I mention that I'm better than you?

HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/27/2006 04:33 PM

On second thought, I'm too tired for a flame war today. I'll tell you what: Sodomize yourself with a baseball bat for a couple of hours, and we'll call it even.

Mrs.JM 24,693 8
02/27/2006 04:34 PM

Are we having a math-lete-a-thon?

<action>runs for her life</action>

Snork: Defender Of The Universe. 45,655 12
02/27/2006 04:34 PM

OK then, I read through old posts better then you.

HRH BobJohnson 178,045 22
02/27/2006 04:42 PM

I'm not sure how you're able to post with a baseball bat in your ass (don't forget to do that), but: my post was a reply to Boots' incorrect explanation, explaining why he was wrong. The fact that you had already posted the explanation is irrelevant.



Don't make me move you from my "I don't know these people" GAB list to my "idiots" GAB list.

Snork: Defender Of The Universe. 45,655 12
02/27/2006 04:44 PM

I made a list!

GubbleBum 231 7
02/27/2006 04:45 PM

a reason to believe that computers are female -

The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."

Noki_Banned_It 76,490 10
02/27/2006 04:45 PM

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who understand binary

and those who do not.

Senior Destructor: Retired Supervillain! 60,724 12
02/27/2006 04:47 PM

The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."



Actually, I'm pretty sure that "bad command or filename" means that there's a bad command of filename.

Senior Destructor: Retired Supervillain! 60,724 12
02/27/2006 04:48 PM

or.

GubbleBum 231 7
02/27/2006 04:52 PM

Prgrammer's Prayer



Our program,

Who art in memory,

"Hello" be thy name.

Thy spreadsheets be formatted,

thy code be downloaded,

from disk

as it will be in memory.

Give us on screen

our data spreads,

and forgive us our typos,

as we forgive those who ask that we document.

Lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us from glitches.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application,

and the solution,

looping forever and ever.

Return.

Snork: Defender Of The Universe. 45,655 12
02/27/2006 05:17 PM

Two administrators are talking:



-"My friend broke my server yesterday"

-"Wow! He must be a hacker!"

-"He's a Frost-ing moron"

Snork: Defender Of The Universe. 45,655 12
02/27/2006 05:35 PM

A programmer's wife is sick, she sends him to market for the groceries:



-"Buy a carton of milk and a loaf of bread. If their eggs are fresh, buy a dozen..."

So the programmer goes to market:

-"I want a carton of milk and...are your eggs fresh?"

-"Delivered just this morning, sir!"

-"Then I want a dozen loaves"