Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/03/2004 07:49 PM

She would drone on and on about herself, I would chirp or occasionally chime in with similiar anecdotes regarding some triviality of my life's course, and then out of no where, she would shoot these random ponderous questions at me. Down I would go into the depths of the conversational abyss attempting to justify myself to someone I hardly know.



Besides, I'm not by any stretch of the imagination a prefab spouse, warehoused, waiting to be packaged and delivered. I'm not even close to being husband material. I just want to neck, maybe a little heavy petting, a good Frost, and then cum on her tits. I'll even settle for cumming on her navel if the boys aren't up to the mark.



Why does this have to be so difficult? I've been to the zoo. I know how this should work. I bring her some fruit, she let's me smell her ass. I climb the highest tree, she let's me squeeze some titty. I do a little dance and slap my head a few times, she let's me bang her doggy-style.



But alas, I'm not as crass as all that. I have learned that the greatest sex in the world does not compare with gazing into a woman's eyes and seeing the reflection of unconditional love peering back into you. Obviously I've never experienced really great sex, but it is losing that chance of discovering such a wonder (the look, not the sex) that saddens me to see any relationship end.



Does anybody have any suggestions, thoughts, or words of encouragement? I'm going to go m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-e now while I await the call, but I will come back to this thread after it is all over (the call, not my masturbation).

Emenius Front - It's A Put On 1,433 10
07/03/2004 07:51 PM

Frost her best male friend, you're obviously gay and overcompensating.

Lila 78,550 13
07/03/2004 08:00 PM

My question is - why would you care that you're being "dumped" by this bitch anyway? Hell, she ain't givin' it up. Maybe she'll do this early so you can still hit the bars tonight and get some nookie!

Lila 78,550 13
07/03/2004 08:02 PM

Oh, and it's women who have yet, in some cases, to experience "really great sex". We are the ones who attach love and emotion to it.

As long as men get their dick wet then it's fireworks unlike any on Independence Day.

Chickens aint in Kansas anymore 286,472 61
07/03/2004 08:12 PM

Sounds like you have different goals. She is trying to find out who you are, why she should see you longer than this afternoon, and are you potental lifetime partner material.



A noble goal, but not what you're looking for.



What you need is waiting at the local bar, has already started in with the shooters, and is carring an STD you ought to be careful about.

Chickens aint in Kansas anymore 286,472 61
07/03/2004 08:13 PM

Oh, and for God's sake don't take any advice from Lila.

Moss 4,125 10
07/03/2004 08:13 PM

I have learned that the greatest sex in the world does not compare with gazing into a woman's eyes and seeing the reflection of unconditional love peering back into you.



It's not unconditional love, her eyes are glazed over from the chloroform.

Lila 78,550 13
07/03/2004 08:20 PM

Chickens just gave the exact same advice as me.



Oh, and for God's sakes don't take any advice from Chickens.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
07/03/2004 10:51 PM

Chickens and Lila are both right.



As for words of encouragement, I'm going to have to go with "You can do it!" and "You go, boy!"

newwave 45,912 10
07/03/2004 10:53 PM

Not to mention "It's okay if you couldn't bring me to orgasm, I don't mind when only you get off, it's the thought that counts. By the way, try to ignore that buzzing sound while you sleep. Oh, you're already asleep? Right on..."



Wait, that's not very encouraging. Or even relevant. Hmm...

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/03/2004 10:59 PM

Chickens and Lila are both right.



Yes, don't take advice from the other one.

Bonky 75,728 15
07/03/2004 11:24 PM

WAIT A MINUTE!!



You're a guy?!

Nachos - Hardcore since...well, never really... 57,521 23
07/04/2004 09:51 AM

I'm going to go m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-e now while I await the call



Masturbate during the call...you'll get dumped during the critical moment (in which case you won't care until afterwards), plus you'll create a scenario which'll haunt her for the rest of her days...

Datei nicht gefunden! 12,005 12
07/04/2004 10:07 AM

Hell, I say just answer the phone with your penis. That always gets mme pff



Sorry. I'm no good at this no-handed typing.

Dolphin Meat 2,598 9
07/04/2004 11:42 AM

If she wants to know all about you, offer to give her your mother's phone number so that they can have long conversations about you. That's the kind of dirt she is really looking for.



(Funny posts Boots. And to think, I almost skipped this thread because of the nOObish title.)

Lila 78,550 13
07/04/2004 12:55 PM

I'm going to go m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-e now while I await the call, but I will come back to this thread after it is all over.



So...what happened?!

Declan McManus, Irritated American. 131,874 36
07/04/2004 02:12 PM

Come to Declan

firelizard SFC 1,191 12
07/04/2004 02:44 PM

the two of you are looking for different things. Get rid of her and go find yourself a slut. thats what you are really after.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/06/2004 10:36 PM

Emenius Front - It's A Put On: Frost her best male friend, you're obviously gay and overcompensating.



Um. Okay. I'm not gay, but there may be a chance that I'm overcompensating.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/06/2004 10:39 PM

Lila and Chickens:



Thanks, I'm not going to take advice from either of you.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/06/2004 10:41 PM

Bonky: You're a guy?!



You're suprised because?

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/06/2004 10:43 PM

Nachos:



I just wanted to include the word masturbate because of a previous post. Unless she was doing some really dirty talking with three other women, there's no way I could get off over the phone.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/06/2004 10:46 PM

Sorry for the delaying an update to this post, but for better or worse, most of my life is lived away from a computer when I'm not at work. I'm cognizant of the proscription against CS-types (aka computer geeks) spending more than 60% of their leisure hours away from digital devices. But then again, I abhor science fiction, anime, DC comics, and other such nerd-media my fellow brethren overindulge their imaginations. Anywho, onto the rest of the story.



I did get 'the call' on Saturday evening around 7:45. It did not exactly meet my expectations. After her usual salutation of "Guess who?", and my guessing famous characters from literature, "Emma Woodhouse? Amy Dorrit? Clarissa Dalloway?", having always selected three from my memory before she called simply because this tickled her to death, she invited me to dinner, for which, given our disproportionate pecuniary positions, I paid of course. She was quiet and reserved. I piped up with an account the time my father and I went fishing. He was catching bass after bass, and all I could angle where suns and suckers. When I asked my dad why he was so lucky, he said it wasn't luck, he just knew how to pick the good worms. I asked him to pick one for me. He said he couldn't because he was all out and mom wouldn't let him drink tequila anymore.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/06/2004 10:48 PM

The crickets at the next table where quite amused; I could hear their chirping distinctly over her silence. "What was your earliest childhood memory?", she inquired. Oh, how dark the abyss! But this was the first instance where one of her questions could be said to have been inspired by what I was talking about. I thought about it for a moment, when I found the word "Taddee" unconsciously on my lips. "Excuse me?", she quizzically responded. "Taddee, a white teddy bear, about yea high", I held my hands two feet above my head to indicate its relative size, "and little brown paws." She furrowed her brow and frowned at me as though she couldn't believe any child's toy could be so large. "Okay, it was really maybe this tall", I moved my hand to two feet above the table. The furrow relaxed, but her frown did not. It has long been evident that I was not answering these clich queries into my psyche to her satisfaction, so I gave up talking about anything beyond the weather and John Ashcroft.



I'll have to finish this tomorrow; works almost over.

Bong Rip Bob 320 8
07/06/2004 10:52 PM

Just tell it to her straight man, be like "Hey bitch, you starting Frost-ing me or I'm gone" Girls tease so they can hear things like that. Try it man. If you fail, you'll get dumped anyway.

HighSoci 30,076 18
07/06/2004 11:02 PM

"Hey bitch, you starting Frost-ing me or I'm gone" Girls tease so they can hear things like that.





And all this time I thought they dated black guys so they could hear those things.

Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
07/07/2004 01:13 AM

The correct answer would be to go out in a blaze of glory. Do not answer the phone if she calls. Dress up nicely, go to her house. Take her out to dinner, say all the right things. It gets easier to lie when you realize you'll probably never see her again. Be sweet, be charming, but make it obvious you want to Frost her brains out, and cast her aside like some sort of pocket Poe with dead batteries, all the while charming, and indicating potential new job offers. Take her home, invite yourself in, be blunt as possible. Raw dog her six ways to sunday. Take a page from DD's handbook before the night's over, and use it on her, if at all possible (ie, Angry Dragon, cherry swirl). Leave her laying bloated and content, yourself spent. Get up in the morning, take a piss into her closet. Tell her you have no idea what happened since about 4pm the day before, but god damnit, you're defintely shooting up some more of that tonight. Walk yourself to your car as publicly naked as possible. Never call her again, and don't worry, she won't call you either.

Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
07/07/2004 01:14 AM

Also, lila, you're a Frost-ing retard. I know more women than men, who are emotionally unattached when it comes to sex. It's just that some women are harder to get off than others, and try too often with the worst kind of selfish Frosts, overlooking the nice guys who will try to please them, and by the time they realize it and start to look properly, these guys will have nothing to do with them because they're embittered misandry-ridden egocentric bitches, that reek of feminazi bullShakespeare. Nothing personal, blessyourheart!

30,762 12
07/07/2004 05:40 AM

You tell 'em!

Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
07/07/2004 06:28 AM

Appreciation is best shown in the form of otto-smacking, or money orders, BEEY-OTCH!

Lila 78,550 13
07/07/2004 07:18 AM

For DD:

Well they tease him a lot cause they got him on the spot

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Anita Nother Beer 6,762 9
07/07/2004 09:31 AM

Oh, I LOVED THAT SHOW, LILA!



Clickie to you. :)

Anita Nother Beer 6,762 9
07/07/2004 09:32 AM

Holy Christ, I just used an emoticon.



Damn that other thread!!! *shakes fist in air*

Chickens fears the DemoBaby 286,472 61
07/07/2004 09:51 AM

Man, if that bitch had you take her out to dinner and spend your money so she could break up with you at the end of the evening, I hope you punched her in the gut to get your dinner back.

Chickens fears the DemoBaby 286,472 61
07/07/2004 09:52 AM

That's like waiting till after Valentine's day to get the present, then dumping the guy.



Or if you're the guy, breaking up with her before VD day, then hooking back up afterwards so as to avoid the present.

Anita Nother Beer 6,762 9
07/07/2004 10:01 AM

VD Day? When's that? Do people yell "Happy Genital Warts!" on that day?



Must be a gringo thing.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
07/07/2004 10:10 AM

I don't think that she is going to break up with you. As long as she is asking questions she wants you to fit her criteria.

When, within the first five minutes of meeting, she tells you that "her minister just gave a sermon on how single people should learn to appreciate thier place in society and how that gave her strength in her present situation", then you know you won't be seeing her again.

Keep it up with the smartass answers. By the time she actually finds out the truth, she will have invested so much time in you, she will force herself to believe you are perfect.

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
07/07/2004 10:12 AM

"Happy Genital Warts!"



Anita, I love you today.

Vlad The Impaler 19,599 12
07/07/2004 12:33 PM

It does seem apparent to Vlad that the girl is actively looking for "The One." What Vlad thinks is the best possible way to deal with this is to have a heart-to-heart discussion with her. Tell her that you understand that she's curious about you, but good things come with time. If things work out like they should, she will have her whole life to get to know you, that you prefer to get to know her at a slower pace, and you want to savor the experience. You don't want to rush to cram your life's history up until this point into a few weeks, when you have your whole lives to explore each other.





This will do a few things. It will let her know you might be interested in a long-term relationship, and see yourself possibly being with her. It will also hopefully calm her anxiety about whether you are the kind of guy that thinks with his heart well. In a best case scenario she'll calm down and take things at a pace you can handle. If it doesn't, maybe you should look for another woman. Maybe one less insecure, and a little less demanding.

Vlad The Impaler 19,599 12
07/07/2004 12:34 PM

If it does work out, Frost her in her stupid ass, and take pictures and post them on the interweb.



Hope this helps!

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
07/07/2004 12:43 PM

<action>is disappointed</action>

"Help, I'm going to be dumped!!!"



I thought this was going to be an essay from a turd's point of view.

Kittuns is Starting Over 44,835 9
07/07/2004 01:17 PM

I totally thought that Boots was a woman.



I started reading and thought, "Oooo! Hot Lesbian Drama!"



But alas, another boring male with another "cum on her tits but not wipe up" story.

IronChef 164 8
07/07/2004 04:09 PM

I hate double standards. Girls always ask about your goals in the next five years, etc. etc. If you ask them what there goals are, it's just to marry a guy with some good goals so they can drive their kids to soccer practice in a Range Rover rather than a honda.

Emenius Front - It's A Put On 1,433 10
07/07/2004 04:19 PM

Geeze, you make it sound like all women are whores whose sole purpose in life is to marry rich. Sure that applies to most, but not all! Some are content to be regular old everyday crack whores.

csme: Jane's Jew, Chance's Ho 15,189 12
07/07/2004 04:20 PM

Or be like Chi Chi - an eBay whore

IronChef 164 8
07/07/2004 04:27 PM

Well maybe I'm generalizing. I should say all MY ex-girlfriends and current girlfriend are/is gold-digging sluts. And if crack-whore refers to their sniffing coke off my ass for Burberry, than check that too.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/07/2004 09:29 PM

Part 2. And now the not so exciting conclusion to the story.



I'd love nothing more than to continue the descriptive narrative, but time not permitting, I will relay the events of the evening, in brief, as promised.



We went back to her apartment. She told me how nice of a guy I was and how easy it was to talk to me. And though it was a shame she found me so attractive, she asked if it were possible to remain good friends. I asked if she meant friends as in "please don't treat me with animosity the next time you see me on the street" friends, "a fourth for Bridge" friends, or "call you up to hang out" friends. She said something like the last one. I was surprised, but I told her I would leave that ball in her court, and if she wanted to do anything again, just call, but there would be no more free lunches, or dinners, as the case may be.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/07/2004 09:30 PM

I asked if I could get a goodbye kiss before I sailed off to Friendshipland. Considering we had never exchanged spit, this was a rather bold request. She acquiesced with just the lightest touch of the tips of her lips to my cheek. I returned it, but with less accurate aim. I barely brushed her lips with mine, and I could feel her sway forward as I moved back. Something inside my brain screamed, "NOW! NOW'S YOUR CHANCE!". I drove at her lips now like I was trying to suck the first four days off a seven-day jawbreaker. Whenever I lightened up, she would come back at me just as hard. I could feel her hips instinctively gyrating against my leg. We must have been at it for about fifteen minutes when I finally ripped myself away. I offered her my hand,--I'm still not sure why--, said goodbye, she took it and said, "It was fun." I saw the blush on her cheek and the crest of her bosom before I walked out the door. This had to be the worst breakup I've ever endured.

Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
07/07/2004 09:30 PM

I say that only because I want closure damn it, and I didn't get it. Sure enough, she calls on Sunday to see if I want to go to the park to see the fireworks "as friends." Now, I know what is going on here. She's looking for Mr. Right, I'm Mr. Almost-Right II, and she wants to keep me in her back pocket just in case. I'll have none of that, so I need your help. I want a clever way of completely breaking it off without appearing an insensitive jerk. So Frost-ing her up the ass with my index finger is not an option at this point. Normally I would just find excuses to avoid seeing her when she calls until we just drift apart, but that's just no fun. I was thinking of taking her to every chick-flick that comes out and having a very public emotional breakdown when the lovers reunite. Maybe baking her sweets every morning until she can't stomach the sight of my face on her doorstep. Maybe I'll start to knit a blanket for her, which I'll work on whenever she comes over just to chat. Basically, I want to kill her with kindness.

Marilyn 12,471 13
07/07/2004 09:36 PM

It's so funny you mention this. I just today dumped a guy I went out with 5 times via email.





Hi XXXXXXX,



Hope all is well. I just wanted to let you know that I met up with an ex on Sunday, and though I am not getting back together with him or anything, he reminded me of what I am looking for in a relationship.



On Friday night it kind of dawned on me that you and I really don't have that much in common. And in as much as I think you are a great guy, I don't feel like we could move forward into a relationship thing. And so I feel we should stop seeing eachother.



I wish you all the best. Take care.











I feel aweful. But not really.

Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
07/08/2004 02:42 AM

That's not awful you feel, that's called a hangover. I'd think you, of all people, would be able to recognize one, by now.

Vlad The Impaler 19,599 12
07/08/2004 03:16 AM

Boots, it sounds like she's hot for you. You just need to be a little more agressive. Go ahead and let the kissing turn into more. Vlad guarantees this one just wants a guy that can take charge and initiate things from time to time. She doesn't want a guy she can walk all over. She wants to be treated with a combination of respect and crap. Women have bad wiring upstairs and think that being unhappy sometimes makes the being happy better. And it gives them material so they can whine to their friends. And everyone knows how much women love to complain. So there ya go.

Anita Nother Beer 6,762 9
07/08/2004 03:24 AM

<action> complains...



Vlad, you are just not in tune with our emotional needs as women!

Anita Nother Beer 6,762 9
07/08/2004 03:30 AM

And put down the damn toilet seat!

Vlad The Impaler 19,599 12
07/08/2004 03:47 AM

Vlad ALWAYS puts down the toilet seat. The problem is Vlad's wife won't put the lid down. Vlad and Vlad's wife have a cat (hers really) and the kitty likes to drink from the toilet. It pisses Vlad off to no end. So put that in your crack pipe and smoke it!

Vlad The Impaler 19,599 12
07/08/2004 03:50 AM

Vlad, you are just not in tune with our emotional needs as women!



Do you mean the need to contrive a reason to bitch about things, or the need to create double standards and make life for men a living hell? Just curious.

Anita Nother Beer 6,762 9
07/08/2004 04:28 AM

I dunno, you tell me. You're the married one.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
07/08/2004 09:55 AM

You can follow me on my next date and get all kind of ideas on how to get the girl to stop calling you.

Fartpuppy - Now with 20% more lurk 5,142 13
07/08/2004 10:00 AM

What? Show up to the date?

Lizzie Borderline 4,212 10
07/08/2004 10:02 AM

gazing into a woman's eyes and seeing the reflection of unconditional love peering back into you



You've been talking about a dog this whole time, haven't you? You sick Frost.

yorkydee 709 9
07/09/2004 10:16 PM

Boots, you should of told the bitch; "Sorry, I already have a date for tonight."



There's nothing a woman hates more than being told another woman has your attention. A guy did that to me once. I got even with him in a big way....I married the bastard. That'll teach him. He's been paying for it for 31 years now. Payback is hell!

Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
07/10/2004 03:07 AM

<action>looks up.</action>Feeble's wife?