Porn Producer, chronic insomniac 7,627 9
07/06/2004 12:18 PM

Clean comedy. What an oxymoron.

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
07/06/2004 12:18 PM

Dane Cook is coming to Gator Growl in a few months for our homecoming. Hot, offensive and funny.



I'm all bajiggity.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
07/06/2004 12:18 PM

So this Ogden Nash walks into a bar. The bartender says Frost you, you mother-Froster before i rape your sister....



Wait let me try this again, later.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
07/06/2004 12:23 PM

A couple of faggots with AIDS were assraping Jesus the other day...

salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
07/06/2004 12:24 PM

Jay Leno is squeaky clean, he was when he worked strip clubs in L.A.



Bill Cosby cussed not once and will always be one of the greats.



Howie Mandel started off doing kid shows. Of course he always sucked.



I know of half a dozen comedians you've never heard of that work clean.



Comedians are just being extentions of themselves on stage, it's just that not too many clean cut types want to spend half their lives in a smoke filled basement watching HACK AFTER HACK BREEZE INTO THE JOINT WITH MATERIAL SO LAME AND STOCK IT SHOULD BE SHOT AND BOILED INTO GLUE WHILE REAL COMEDIANS TOIL OVER EVERY Frost-ing WORD ONLY TO HEAR "NOT NOW" NIGHT AFTER NIGHT FROM A MANAGER THAT WOULDN'T KNOW COMEDY IF IT PISSED ALL OVER HIS FAT BALD ASS HEAD.

SHP is feeling optimistic today 181,718 70
07/06/2004 12:28 PM

Jokes I've heard from my grandmother:



What do you call a masturbating cow?



Beef strokin' off.



Seriously. She was, like, 80 when she told me. Senility is, funny, afterall.

Misplaced 89 9
07/06/2004 12:32 PM

Check out http://www.comedysportz.com/ for clean comedy all over the country. Their shows are so funny, I forget they're clean.

Lila 78,550 13
07/06/2004 12:45 PM

"For a while, even after I became a Christian, I was still working clubs and doing a few of my dirty jokes, but I couldn't commit to them," he said. "It is better, cause you actually get to watch it without your parents freaking out."



"It is better, cause you actually get to watch it without your parents freaking out," Candice Montgomery said.



I think their bot is broken.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
07/06/2004 01:04 PM

Someone is always going to be offended by a joke.



>*< Safe.

Gopher 570 10
07/06/2004 01:04 PM

clean comedy?



Isn't that like asking the pope to be a good catholic?



No fun without the mean insulting disgusting comedy.



who cares



My balls your chin

flyinmysoup 167 8
07/06/2004 01:07 PM

The only clean jokes I know I read off the popsicle sticks.



Oh, and there's this one my friend told me:



A man drives to a gas station. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "Why do you have penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. But I haven't had a clue what to do with them."

The clerk thinks then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Good idea," says the man in the car and leaves.

The next day the man is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
07/06/2004 01:09 PM

Bill Cosby cussed not once...



He used "Emerson" sometimes.



Howie Mandel's stand-up, when he wasn't doing kids shows was pretty crude.

Scotty Snuggleduck 5,349 10
07/06/2004 01:13 PM

Bill Cosby Joke:



"When I was growing up, I thought my name was Jesus Christ since that's what my Dad called me when he was mad. Once, I was out playing in the rain and my Dad leaned out the door and yelled, 'Get out of the rain, Goddammit!' I said, 'I'm not Goddammit, my name's Jesus Christ.'"



Taking the Lord's name in vain....tsk, tsk, tsk....

Eekstein 292 11
07/06/2004 03:04 PM

Funny person: Knock knock.



Recipeint of humor: Who's there?



Funny person: Interuptting cow.



Recipeint of humor: Interuptting co..Funny person: MOOOOO0000!

dinesh 24,862 16
07/06/2004 03:10 PM

bizarrely, bob saget, prince of clean "funniest home videos" brand of comedy, is/was actually completely potty mouthed in his stand up act.

Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
07/06/2004 03:21 PM

Scotty,

I had to click you here for the cheerleader thing.

TheFoye 55,700 16
07/06/2004 03:27 PM

Husband and wife go to a marraige counseler because of some problems they were having. The counseler asks the man "Do you even know what your wife's favorite flower is?" Husband says "of course I do All Purpose"

Fifi, live from Gay Paree 173,958 15
07/06/2004 03:28 PM

What's the most important letter in the alphabet?











V. After all, it is the center of gravity.

WhyMe 276 10
07/06/2004 03:34 PM

From my four year old

Knock knock

Who's there?

Amanda.

Amanda who?

Amanda fixed the refrigerator.



I think she stole that one from the talking Donkey doll.

Fifi, live from Gay Paree 173,958 15
07/06/2004 03:38 PM

Knock knock.



Who's there?



Little old lady.



Little old lady who?



I didn't know you could yodel.

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
07/06/2004 03:50 PM

Knock Knock



Who's there?



Dwayne



Dwayne who?



DWAYNE THE BATHTUB! I'M DWOWNING!

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
07/06/2004 03:54 PM

Knock Knock!

who's there?

Panther.

Panther who?



Panther no Panth, I'm going thwimming.

Fifi, live from Gay Paree 173,958 15
07/06/2004 03:59 PM

Damn, I miss Zaboomafoo.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/06/2004 08:01 PM

Q: How do you top a car?



A: You tep on the brake, tupid!

Spicey McHaggis 117,752 36
07/06/2004 08:54 PM

How do you catch a unique rabbit?





Unique up on it.







How do you catch a tame rabbit?















Tame way, silly!

ringworm 68,315 13
07/06/2004 09:02 PM

so it seems we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that clean comedy is the balls, unless your target demographic is primary and elementary school students.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/06/2004 09:35 PM

Two pollacks went hunting for a bear. When they got to a highway, they saw a sign that said "Bear Left" so they went home.















And Frosted the Shakespeare out of each other.

burningchrome 507 9
07/07/2004 12:04 AM

there's 2 bald briests in the back seat of a taxi Frost-ing an owl...



ok, someone else finiShakespeare

Nerd in a Halftrack 27,000 12
07/07/2004 12:04 AM

...and then they took a shower and got clean!





Taa Daa!!!

HighSoci 30,076 18
07/07/2004 12:08 AM

Clean comedy. What an oxymoron.





No, this would be an oxy moron.

burningchrome 507 9
07/07/2004 12:12 AM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains of the west when Tonto dismounts his horse and puts his ear to the ground.

Lone Ranger ask him "What is it Tonto?".

Tonto replies, "Buffalo come"

LR asks, "And you can hear them?"

Tonto stands and replies, "No, ear sticky".

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
07/07/2004 12:50 AM

Do you know what an 'expless' is ?



It's a tlain that goes vely vely fast.

Spicey McHaggis 117,752 36
07/07/2004 12:52 AM

<action>jumps into thread.</action>SUPPLIES!

Nerd in a Panzer 27,000 12
07/07/2004 12:53 AM

<action>Runs over spicey</action>



SPLAT!!!

Alpha Maelstrom (click name for disclaimer) 5,097 15
07/07/2004 02:45 AM

I just wanted to say I read this thread, and will now kill noki bandit, as I have temporarily developed a lisp after the panther joke.



Also, for clean comedy, The christian comedian Mike Warnke amused me when I was a child. Might explain part of why I'm such a Frosted up individual now. *shrugs*

Happy Napkin 30,762 12
07/07/2004 07:55 AM

A priest and a rabbi are driving down the road



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anita Humpalot 6,762 9
07/07/2004 08:51 AM

A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up at them and says "what is this, a joke?"



*ba-doom doom CRASH!*

StormKat 2,051 9
07/07/2004 12:56 PM

I have the best knock, knock joke!

Really!



You start it...

funkshizzle 13 8
07/07/2004 01:01 PM

knock knock

StormKat 2,051 9
07/07/2004 01:11 PM

Who's there?



(man, this is going to be great!)

funkshizzle 13 8
07/07/2004 01:17 PM

You might be a redneck if... you project Jerry Springer on the side of your trailor and your family gathers to watch it on their four wheelers and lawnmowers.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/07/2004 01:19 PM

You might be a redneck if... you project Jerry Springer on the side of your trailor and your family gathers to watch it on their four wheelers and lawnmowers who?

funkshizzle 13 8
07/07/2004 01:20 PM

A... this isn't a red neck joke?

Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
07/07/2004 01:24 PM

Hey everybody, thanks for having me. So I was reading the Bible the other day, like I do every night, and I noticed the darndest thing. Did you know Jesus was the King of the Jews? All this time, I thought he was king of the juice and so I've been sending my offering plate to the Florida Citrus Growers association! I knew something wasn't right, since I can't imagine Jesus lording over O.J. Simpson. Because he's the Juice! Get it? Is this thing on? So who saw last night's Seventh Heaven?

Chris Garrett 86,932 12
07/07/2004 01:30 PM

Wig.



Just say it over and over, eventually you'll laugh....



The word POOP has the same effect.

csme: Jane's Jew, Chance's Ho 15,189 12
07/07/2004 01:36 PM

"...Because he's the juice."



I don't get it. Is that a bad Jew joke?

flyinmysoup 167 8
07/07/2004 01:39 PM

OK, get this. Bill Clinton teaches his parrot to talk...



wait this joke...



just...



nevermind.

Sy the photo guy 6,547 10
07/07/2004 01:42 PM

(stolen from dribbleglass.com)



What do you call a blonde with two brain cells???

























Pregnant with twins!

Llunch Llady Lloyd 48,662 14
07/07/2004 01:58 PM

I think this is a good time to, once again, bring out my all-time favourite 'g'-rated, worksafe, good for the kids, family-friendly, tell-it-to-the-minister joke.





Two guys were camping for a week, way out in the wilderness. They got tired of each other's company after a few days, so decided to split up for a day. At the end of the day, guy 1 gets back to the campsite early. When guy 2 returns, his friend tells him of his great, relaxing day, dipping his feet in bubbling brooks, napping in lovely meadows with butterflies and chirping birds. "I'm feeling so refreshed" he says.

"Wait 'til you hear about MY day", says guy 2.

"I was walking along and found a railroad. I followed it for a while, and then, off in the distance, I saw something on the track. As I got closer, I realised that it was a person, tied to the tracks! I ran up, and saw that it was a woman, with the most amazing body you've ever seen. She was totally naked too! I untied her, and guess what we spent the rest of the day doing?"

"You didn't!"

"Yep! We Frosted in every position you can imagine. She was amazing."

Guy 1 says "I've gotta ask...how was the oral?"

To which guy 2 replies, "I dunno, I never did find her head!"

Pants 14,252 17
07/07/2004 02:15 PM

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
</rimshot>

StormKat 2,051 9
07/07/2004 03:10 PM

A guy walks into a bar.



"Ouch!"

Marilyn 12,471 13
07/07/2004 07:55 PM

Jon Stewart is pretty clean. And pretty.



I want to make love to him.

burningchrome 507 9
07/08/2004 07:14 PM

ok, totally clean joke



Piece of string goes into a bar sits at the counter and shouts for a beer.

Barman comes over and says, "Get outta here, we dont serve your kind in here!"

String goes outside, spots a kid and and says, "Hey kid! Wanna make a dollar? Good! First tie a knot in my middle and then untwist my ends a bit"

That done and a dollar gone, the string goes back in the bar, hops on a stool and shouts, "Hey barkeep, how about a beer over here!"

The tender comes over, looks the string up and down and asks, "Hey! Aren't you that same piece of string i threw out a minute ago?"

String says (here it comes) "No, I'm afraid not"



don't make me explain it if you don't get it, go ask ur mom.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/09/2004 01:06 AM

Frayed knot! Chase it! Catch it! Gotta Gotta Gotta have it!

Gimme the knot. Gimme Gimme



Never dangle a string in front of a kat.

Nydus Canal 490 11
07/09/2004 07:40 AM

What's invisible and smells like carrots?





Bunny farts.





I always imagined bunnies as one of those creatures that didn't fart, but kids eat that joke up.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/09/2004 09:58 AM

A guy walks into a pet shop.

"Have you got any kittens going cheap?" Asked the customer.



"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go 'Meow'."

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/09/2004 10:26 AM

The Seven Dwarves were in the bath and they were all feeling happy....



So happy got out.







Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

Zuggo 311 8
07/09/2004 02:35 PM

There was a Texan man, a Cuban man, a French man, and amexican man on a boat. The frenchman brought some really good wine, but halfway through the bottle, he throws it overboard. "Why did you do that?" everyone asks. "We have plenty of good wine in France", says the frenchman. The Cuban guy brings some awesome cigars, but halfway through the box, he throws then overbord. "Why did you do that?" everyone asks. "We have plenty of good cigars in Cuba" he says. Then the Mexican man looks at the Texan and says "Don't even think about it."

SHP is feeling optimistic today 181,718 70
07/09/2004 03:13 PM

So many of these jokes are wee todd did.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/09/2004 03:15 PM

But you have to build on a sound foundation.



A foundation of comedy.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/09/2004 03:21 PM

Personally, Steve Wright has always amused me, and I don't know that he ever swore.



'I went to the grocery store and saw a sign that said "Pet supplies", so I did. Then I walked outside and saw a sign that said "Compact cars".'

Ditdah - csme's lesbian bitch 123,102 14
07/09/2004 03:21 PM

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other guys whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"



The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."



There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/09/2004 03:21 PM

What is 'wee todd did', anyway?

SHP is feeling optimistic today 181,718 70
07/09/2004 03:22 PM

Read this outloud to yourself:



I am wee Todd did.

I am sofa king

wee Todd did.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/09/2004 03:38 PM

It took me WAY too long to get that. I guess I'm not too far from being sofa king wee Todd did, myself.

SHP is feeling optimistic today 181,718 70
07/09/2004 03:48 PM

Quick!



Go tell the next person you see that your Dixie wrecked!

TableTopJane 173,958 15
07/09/2004 03:56 PM

M R ducks.



M R not.



O S M R. C M itty bitty wangs?



M R Ducks!

invisible nudist 432 8
07/09/2004 04:10 PM

Why did Mickey Mouse have Minnie Mouse committed?



Because she was f**king Goofy!

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/09/2004 04:19 PM

Sorry, SHP; I'm only ALMOST sofa king wee Todd did.

Zuggo 311 8
07/09/2004 04:51 PM

Two guys, one with a collie and the other with a chihuahua, are walking their dogs, and they start to get thirsty. The find a bar, but it doesn't allow pets. "Just do what I do" said the guy with the collie. So he goes to the bartender and says "This is my seeing eye dog". "Well...I guess thats alright" says the bartender, and lets him have a drink. Next, the guy with a chihuahua goes to the bartender and says This is my seeing eye dog". "They gave you a chihuahua?" "They gave me a chihuahua?"

PersianZug 888 9
07/09/2004 05:28 PM

Tiger Woods is driving across the outback in australia.It is so far away from common civilisation that they dont know of any sport or tv.He walks into a gas station, and two golf tees fall out of his pocket. The aussie goes: what are those? Tiger replies: golf tees. The aussie then says: what for? Woods replies: for resting my balls on when im driving.

TableTopJane 173,958 15
07/09/2004 05:29 PM

Wanna talk about Jane's Addiction?

TableTopJane 173,958 15
07/09/2004 05:30 PM

Hmmm. Wrong thread.

Gavvo 1,789 12
07/09/2004 05:59 PM

Nun humor, it's the cleanest!



Sister Mary Katherine entered the Convent of Silence.The Mother Superior said, "Sister, this is a silent Convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."



Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Mother Superior said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."



"I'm sorry to hear that," Mother Superior said, "we will get you a better bed."



After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Mother Superior. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."



"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine. Mother Superior assured her that the food would be better in the future.



On her 15th anniversary at the Convent, Mother Superior again called Sister Mary Katherine into her office. "You may say two words today."



"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Mother Superior, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

ixos 852 9
07/09/2004 06:40 PM

Two indian families (dot not feather) move to America. They decide to have a contest as to which family would be more Americanized at the end of their first year.



So a year passes and they meet up for a family BBQ. The first man says to the other, "Well, I bought a Chevrolet, I play in a Christian Church Softball League, and my wife sells Mary Kay."



To which the other replies, "Frost you towel-head!!"

CheeseDroppings 64 9
07/10/2004 12:05 PM

Ok so I've got a couple.



Who do Athiests blame when an act of God destroys their house?



If a porn shop is having a 50% off sale, does that mean you only get halfway?

Pubah 56,805 18
07/10/2004 01:10 PM

Heard somewhere



If electricity comes from electrons,

Does morality come from morons?

burningchrome 507 9
07/10/2004 04:27 PM

TableTopJane reminded me of this one:



C D puppies?

M R not puppies!

S M R, C M P N?

O, M R puppies.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/10/2004 11:03 PM

Haha, those dumb asians.

daughnf 32 8
07/11/2004 12:02 AM

Have you heard the new jump-rope joke?



No?

Skip it.

Juicy pissflaps: waiting for penetration 367 9
07/11/2004 12:08 AM

MUD PUDDLE!!!!









HOHO HAHAHAHA...WHEE!!

phyrphreek 69 8
07/11/2004 03:32 AM

Actually Bill Cosby used cuss words all the time. Damnit,Jesus Christ,talks about puddin' pops....

"What is so great about cocain?"

"Well,it intensifies your personality."

"Yes,but what if you're an Emerson?"

---

Anyway, it's a little late, but I might as well add my two quarters.



"A man was pulled over by a cop one day for speeding. Frantically thinking of an explanation when the cop asks why he was going so fast, the man says 'Well, I'm late for my job.' The cop replies, 'What kind of job could require you to go 50 miles over the speed-limit if you're running late?' The man says, 'Well,I'm a rectum-stretcher?' The cop replies, 'What the hell is a rectum stretcher?' The man says, 'Well, we have a small machine that we insert into the anus,and every day we stretch it a little more until we get it to about 6 feet.' The cop is astonished. 'What the hell are you gonna do with a 6-foot Emerson?' The man replies, 'Put em' on top of a bridge and give them a radar gun."

Flying Poo 15 8
07/11/2004 04:18 AM

any joke set in a doctors office could be a clean joke right? i mean arent they pretty clean places?



anywayz

this guy goes in for a physical...

Doctor:everything seems good but one more thing...

Guy:Yeah?

Doctor:*grabs guys balls* turn your head and cough.

Guy:*hocks loogie in doctors face*

Doctor: WHAT THE HELL!!!

Guy: Sorry but when someone cradles my balls i tend to spit.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/11/2004 04:09 PM

Q) What do you call and athiest at his own funeral?



A) All dressed up but nowhere to go.

Suicide Ranger 27,937 12
07/11/2004 04:56 PM

This duck walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool and says to the bartender "You got any grapes?"

The Bartender replies "No sir, we don't have any grapes, we have 40 beers on tap, I have a full bar, and several excellent wines. Would you like a drink?"

The duck says "No, thanks and leaves."

The next day the duck comes back hops up on the bar stool and asks "You got any grapes?"

The bartender says "No, sir I told you before we don't have any grapes, would you like a drink?"

The duck says "No thanks and leaves" This continues all week, by the end of the week the bartender is quite fed up with the duck. The duck shows up hops up on the bar stool, and asks for grapes.

The bartender says "I have told you every day you have come in here that we DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, now the next time I see you, if you ask me for grapes and you don't order a drink I am going to nail your bill to the bar!" The duck looks around and then leaves. A few weeks go by and the duck does not show up. Nearly a month later the duck shows up in the bar, hops up on the bar stool and looks at the bartender, he asks "Do you have any nails?" the bartender looks confused "What? No" the duck perks up and says "In that case, you got any grapes?"

Robin (formerly known as Sheldwyn) 14,626 9
07/11/2004 05:10 PM

Some people are like slinkies.... not really good for anything, but it's fun to watch one tumble down the stairs.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,762 15
07/11/2004 05:20 PM

Ok,

these are no worse than the rest....



A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing

home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home.



After a few weeks in the Catholic facility, they come to visit grandpa.



"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.



"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," say

grandpa.



"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong

place for you."



"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,"

grandpa says with a big smile.



"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!



And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been

practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doc'!



And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they call me the Frost-ing Jew."

Chit From Shine-ola 178,762 15
07/11/2004 05:40 PM

A priest, while on a stroll happened by a neighborhood pier. He spots a fisherman loading his boat and stops to watch. The fisherman notices and asks him if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman finds out he has never fished before, so he baits the hook for him and says,

"Give it a shot father".

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles

to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, that's a big

sonofabitch!"

Priest:

"Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"

Fisherman:

(THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish

is called - a sonofabitch!"

Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and

spots the Bishop.

Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

Priest: "No, that's what this fish is called, and I caught this sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch

and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it

to the head mother.

Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?

Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"

Bishop: "No, sister, this fish is called - a

sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you

to cook it."

Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and

they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"

Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but

then takes off his hat, and

says, "You know, you mother-Frosters are alright."

SuperMatt (TM) 133 8
07/11/2004 07:41 PM

So there's these three blondes who want to apply for a detective position. The detective interviewing them flashes a picture of a suspect for 3 seconds and takes it away. He asks them to describe the suspect.



Blonde 1: The suspect has one eye.

Detective: Um, no. This is a mug shot, so you only see one of his eyes.



He dismissed her and asked the second blonde.



Blonde 2: The suspect has one ear.

Detective: No! This is a stupid mug shot! You just can't see his other ear!



By now the detective was getting mad. He addressed the third blonde.



Detective: Now describe the suspect I just showed you. And PLEASE think before you speak.

Blonde 3: The suspect wears contact lenses.



The detective was taken aback by this. He quickly ran off to check the suspects file. When he came back, he was amazed.



Detective: That's amazing! How on earth did you know?

Blonde 3: Easy. He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/11/2004 07:44 PM

It's funny how I can buy a 957-page presidential memoir, but I can't seem to be bothered to read a joke that's longer than four lines.

Spicey McHaggis 117,752 36
07/12/2004 09:27 AM

I'm sorry, Phla Mignon. I couldn't finish your post. Can I get the Cliff's Notes?

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/12/2004 10:39 AM

You can BUY a 957-page memoir ... but did you read it?

StormKat 2,051 9
07/12/2004 04:03 PM

I tell the Panther knock-knock joke to my daughter who is 7 years old. She then decided this is her mostest favorite joke and tells it to everyone. However, being 7 years old, she messes it up everytime she tells it.



Here is the latest iteration:



Knock, Knock

Who's There?

Panther

Panther who?

I'm not going swimming with a Panther without pants.

Balls Deep 194 9
07/12/2004 04:46 PM

Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says:



"You drive and I'll man the guns!"

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/12/2004 08:36 PM

I'm sorry, Phla Mignon. I couldn't finish your post. Can I get the Cliff's Notes?



Sure...



Read Bill's book: funnier than jokes copied off teh web.

Briham 38,843 10
07/13/2004 01:21 AM

Funky Cheese, those jokes were disgusting. I was absolutley horrified by those tasteless bits of so-called humor.















Do you mind if I use them at the next fancy dress party I go to?

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/13/2004 07:02 AM

What's green and hard?



A frog with a flick-knife.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/13/2004 08:26 AM

What's green and hard?



An excited frog.

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/13/2004 09:04 AM

What's green and hard?



STOP MOCKING ME!

Spicey McHaggis 117,752 36
07/13/2004 09:05 AM

I thought you were green and fizzy.

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/13/2004 09:21 AM

Fizzy Wizzy was a frog.

Fizzy Wizzy drove a hog.

Fizzy Wizzy drank too much fizzy.

Wizz he?

StormKat 2,051 9
07/13/2004 12:37 PM

Ok, if we're going that direction:



Q) What's blue and clear?



A) A baby in a plastic bag.





Q) How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



A) A giraffe

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/13/2004 12:41 PM

A priest is walking down the street and is stopped by a hooker. '$20 bucks a trick, mister.' Panicked, he walks away without responding, but the incident eats at his mind. Finally, he gets back to the convent and finds the mother superior. 'Mother Superior, what is a trick?' '$20, just like on the street.'

Spicey McHaggis 117,752 36
07/13/2004 12:57 PM

How many psychiatrists does it take to chage a light bulb?





One. But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/13/2004 01:10 PM

Q) How many rich housewives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



(using snobby voice)

A) Rich housewives screw in hot tubs, not lightbulbs.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/13/2004 01:51 PM

A man goes to Texas on a business trip. While there, he stops at a bar; he orders a beer and gets a can bigger around than his head. 'Man, thins really are bigger in Texas,' he says, then he grins and drinks the beer, only to find that he's got to go to the bathroom.

When he gets there, he finds a toilet the size of a swimming pool.

Whistling as he pees, he thinks, 'Man, things REALLY are bigger in Texas.'

Finishing up, he decides he's ready to leave. Just as he gets out the door, something leaps on top of him, knocking him to the ground, then leaps away.

Groggily, he turns to the nearest native. 'I didn't know you had kangaroos in Texas.'

The native shakes his head, grips his belt buckle, and says, 'That's not a kangaroo; that was a grasshopper.'

burning-teh-chrome 507 9
07/13/2004 08:25 PM

ok, here we go



Q) how many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A) Just 2, but the trick is to get them in there without brealink the glass



Q)what's black and white and red and can't go thru a revolving door?

A) a nun with a spear in her head



Q)What's worse than biting into a hot dog and finding a vein?

A)Finishing a jar of mayonnaise and finding an unrolled condom at the bottom.



Q)How do you get a nun pregnant

A)you Frost her.

SuperMatt (TM) 133 8
07/13/2004 09:26 PM

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton found in a closet?

A: Last year's hide and go seek champion.



Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.



Here's one that my 6-year-old cousin absolutely loves.

Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 7 8 9.

If you dont get it, say it aloud.

Jony the Freaky 32 8
07/14/2004 01:14 AM

Q: What's the diference between oral sex and sushi?



A: The rice

Jony the Freaky 32 8
07/14/2004 01:15 AM

There can be no such thing as clean comedy

Rory McKay 274 9
07/14/2004 02:01 AM

One for all the surrealists.



Q. How many oranges can you fit up a chimney?



A. None, because bicycles don't have windows.

Mechman 119 8
07/14/2004 02:28 AM

How many Fruedians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Two. One to screw the bulb in, and one to hold the penis. LADDER! I meant ladder!

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
07/14/2004 02:52 AM

The Ugly Bus

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.



They then get to meet their maker, and because of the

grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one

wish each, before they enter Paradise.



They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it

is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.



This goes on for a while with each one asking to be

gorgeous but when

God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line

starts laughing.



When there are only ten people left, this guy is

rolling on the

floor, laughing his head off.



Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what

his wish will be.



The guy eventually calms down and says:



"Make 'em all ugly again".



SO.....



THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'......BE

HAPPY

ringworm 68,315 13
07/14/2004 02:57 AM

as quoteman has vanished, you are my new favorite newb.

Nydus Canal 490 11
07/14/2004 03:16 AM

Ringworm, are you referring to the guy who quoted himself whenever he spoke?

BooBoo Kitty Breed 2,640 9
07/14/2004 03:54 AM

Ok Um Thanks I'm honored?

ringworm 68,315 13
07/14/2004 04:59 AM

no, i'm referring to the person who only pulled quotes from some random historical figure, but they were always mostly on-topic.

Me Spicey. You Jane 117,752 36
07/14/2004 10:12 AM

A man working at an aquarium was approached by his boss. She told him that there was a busload of third graders coming to the aquarium tomorrow, but there was a problem. The dolphins had been extremely amorous the last few days, and it just wouldn't do to have the dolphins behaving lewdly in front of the kids.



There's only one thing that can dull the libido of dolphins, and that's the fresh meat of baby seagulls. So the man was assigned the task of fetching some baby seagulls. His boss told him to be careful, however, because a lion had escaped from the zoo and no one knew where it was.



The man knew a place nearby that sold gulls and he went there and picked some up. He was in a bit of a hurry, so on the way back he took a shortcut through the woods. This may not have been the best decision because found the missing lion blocking his path. It looked like someone had managed to hit it with some tranquilizer darts before it eluded them, and it was out cold. So the man decided he would cafefully step over the lion and be on his way.



He stepped over the lion without incident, but as he contined on the path, a police officer step out and told him he was under arrest. The man was shocked. He asked what he had done wrong. Why was he under arrest?



The officer's response: "Transporting young gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises."

PersianZug 888 9
07/14/2004 11:03 AM

what do you call a russian with 3 balls? ujanikabolokoff.

PersianZug 888 9
07/14/2004 11:09 AM

what do you say to an army of 1-balled americans? lads, you must stop fighting russia.

Teh Porn Producer is losing his job?! 7,627 9
07/14/2004 11:21 AM

I haven't really throw in my two cents for this one so here goes.



A lady was sitting on the beach one day when something shiny flashed her eye. She approached the object and picked it up. It was covered in sand so she slowly rubbed the sand off. Magically, a genie appears from the magic lamp! The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes but on one condition: you will only recieve whatever you wish for later." The lady, thinks for a moment, and says, "Well, I'm kind of lonely so I'd like a guy. But I want a guy that will never beat me." "Granted," says the genie. "Next, I'd also like a guy that would never leave me." "Granted says the genie." Shyfully, the girl says, "I'd also like a guy that could you know, Frost the Shakespeare out of me." "Granted," says the genie. Then he disappears.



That night the lady is home watching TV. She hears a knock at the door. She walks over and looks out through the peep-hole. Nothing. "Frost-ing kids," she says. Ten minutes later another, harder knock comes from the door. Once again she goes to the peep-hole only to see no one again. "Frost-ing kids." Another 10 minutes pass and a hard thundering knock comes from the door again. This time, she gets up and opens the door. To her surprise, she finds a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Who the Frost are you," she asks? "The genie sent me!" "But I asked the genie for a guy that would never beat me!" "How am I supposed to beat you? I got no arms!" "Yeah well I asked the genie for a guy that would never leave me!" "How the hell am I going to leave you? I got no legs!" "Well I also asked the genie for a guy that would Frost the Shakespeare out of me!" "Bitch what do you think I was knocking on the door with?!"



.. chuckle at random

kyla12345 21 8
07/14/2004 01:12 PM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



two!

4 8
07/14/2004 09:29 PM

(Thats my actual last name...It was a snitch learning to write my name when I was little)



Q:How many country singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



A:Two.One to do it, and one to sing about how much he misses the other one.

4 8
07/14/2004 09:45 PM

www.crazythoughts.com

Very funny, some of its clean

SuperMatt (TM) 133 8
07/14/2004 10:09 PM

So there's these three blondes stuck on an island. They can see the mainland, but it's too far for them to swim. The fairy blondemother(TM) comes and says that she will grant them each a wish.

"I want to be strong, so I can swim across to the mainland" said the first blonde, so the fairy blondemother turned her into a redhead and she swam across the water.

"I want to be smart, so I can build a boat to the mainland" said the second blonde, so the fairy blondemother turned her into a brunette and she built a elaborate boat and sailed to the other side.

"I don't care how I get to the other side" said the third blonde. "I just want to GET there." So the fairy blondemother turned her into a man, and he walked across the bridge.



woot.

yorkydee 709 9
07/14/2004 10:57 PM

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.



As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.



They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?



Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?



The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

yorkydee 709 9
07/14/2004 11:19 PM

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell as he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.



Devil: "Why so glum, chum?"



Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell."



Devil: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"



Guy: "Sure I love to drink."



Devil: "Well you're gone love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, Wine coolers, Diet tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more."



Guy: "Gee that sounds great."



Devil: "Do you smoke?"



Guy: "You better believe it."



Devil: "Alright, you're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead."



Guy: "Wow thats awesome."



Devil: "Do you like to gamble?"



Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."



Devil: "Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Black Jack, Roulette, Poker, Slots. If you go bankrupt, well you're dead anyhow."



Devil: "You do drugs?"



Guy: "Are you kidding. I love drugs."



Devil: "Thursday is drug day. Help your self to a bowl of crack, or Smack. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you over-dose that's all right, you're dead who cares?"



Guy: "Wow! I never realized hell was such a swinging place."



Devil: "You Gay?"



Guy: "No, no way!"



Devil: "Oooooh.(grimaces) You're gonna Hate Fridays."

samela 26 9
07/15/2004 12:51 AM

I don't care who you are, or how old you are, NOTHING beats cow jokes!









What do you call a cow with two legs?



Lean Beef









What do you call a cow with no legs?



Ground Beef









What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barb-wired fence?



Utter Destruction

Errol 10,584 9
07/15/2004 03:40 AM

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down at the counter. The bartender looks at him for a second and says "Hey, we have a drink named after you here." The grasshopper responds, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"



What's green and has wheels?

Grass...

I was kidding about the wheels.



Why does a chicken coop only have four doors?

Because if it had four, it'd be a chicken SEDAN.



All these jokes are funny at around 4 in the morning, or if you're high. Your choice.

burning-teh-chrome 507 9
07/15/2004 05:40 AM

must be a high thing cuz u Frosted up the chicken coop one

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/15/2004 09:50 AM

One Sunday, a hunter goes looking for bear. He sees one, raises his rifle, and fires ... but when the smoke clears, the bear is nowhere to be found. Then the hunter feels a claw tap his shoulder. 'Bend over', the bear says, and then proceeds to bugger him thoroughly.



The next Sunday, the hunter again goes, this time with an even bigger rifle. Once again, he gets the bear in his sites and fires. Once again, the bear is nowhere in sight. Once again, the hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Bend over'.



Next Sunday, the hunter shows up again, this time with the biggest rifle he can find. He searches all over for the bear, but it's nowhere to be seen. Then he feels a claw on his shoulder again. 'You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?'

StormKat 2,051 9
07/15/2004 10:47 AM

Want to hear a joke about the Dover twins, Ben and Eileen?



No?



How about their Asian cousin Irene?



Ok then... I'll shutup.

PersianZug 888 9
07/15/2004 11:27 AM

a guy gets a new car stereo. when you say rock, it plays rock. when you say rap, it plays rap etc. so, he is cruising along a street, and it kid jumps into the road, causing him to swerve. he shouts "Frost-ing kids!" and it starts to play michael jackson.

PersianZug 888 9
07/15/2004 11:42 AM

you know when michael j dangled a kid off a building? well,itas an improvement (he usually just tosses them off).

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/15/2004 11:46 AM

Why did Michael Jackson hold the baby over the edge of the building?



(drumroll) To shake the sperm out!

Misplaced 89 9
07/15/2004 12:46 PM

A flea goes into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here"?



Methinks you meant a termite, not a flea.

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/15/2004 01:46 PM

Just to get back onto clean comedy for a second-



A dyslexic man walks into a bra.





Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

cynful 215 9
07/15/2004 01:48 PM

George Bush was riding in a plane with the president of France, the British Prime Minister, the president of Mexico and a boyscout. The plane starts to go down, but there are only 4 parachutes.



President Chirac looks at the others and says, "Look, I'm the president of the most culturally significant country so I have to get a parachute!" He grabs one and jumps out of the plane.



Tony Blair says, "Well I deserve one too because I lead a country that once ruled most of the civilized world!" So he grabs a 'chute and jumps.



Bush says, "Well, I run the most powerful country in the world so I'm definitely taking one!" And out he goes.



The president of Mexico looks at the boyscout and says, "Well, there's only one parachute left, and I've lived a full life while you've got a whole lifetime ahead of you. I think you should take the last one."



The boyscout says, "Thanks, but I think we're gonna be okay. Bush just took my backpack."

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/15/2004 01:48 PM

Just a few more-



Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to

Dolly

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

I don't believe you," said Dolly.

It's true, no bull!"





My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

He was pulled in by a strong currant.





A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his

teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

Feckoff 2,552 9
07/15/2004 01:57 PM

Last one, i promise-



Why shouldn't you make fun of Dwarves with learning difficulties?



Because it's not big and it's not clever.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/15/2004 02:28 PM

What do you call a bunch of nuns taking a bus?



Mass transportation!

Munkus 2,801 10
07/15/2004 03:49 PM

<action>takes Bill Hicks dvd and washes is in soapy water</action> er....... maybe i've got the wrong idea

Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
07/15/2004 06:50 PM

A man wakes up Saturday morning with a bit of a hangover. He remembers deciding to stop off at the local pub for one drink, having a few extras, and then leaving with some new friends to go to another bar that they knew of. He can remember that he had a great time, wherever it was: there was a band playing great songs, there were lots of good looking women, the drinks were large and cheap, and, strangest of all, the bathroom had a golden toilet.



That night, he starts making the rounds of bars, trying to find the place. Going into one bar after another, we would ask if they had a golden toilet and leave with the sound of the bartender's laughter in his ears.



After a few hours, almost ready to give up, he turned a corner and spotted a bar that seemed familiar. He went in and asked the bartender the same question: do you have a golden toilet?



"A golden toilet, that's the craziest question anyone has ever as...............wait a minute! Murray, here's the guy who shiht in your tuba!"

Anita Bottle Of Aloe Vera 6,762 9
07/15/2004 06:59 PM

<action> posts randomly



Our country reeks of trees

Our yaks are really large

And they smell like rotting beef carcasses

And we have to clean up after them

And our saddle sores are the best

We proudly wear women's clothing

And searing sand blows up our skirts

And the buzzards they soar overhead

And poisonous snakes will devour us whole

Our bones will bleach in the sun

And we will probably go to HOur country reeks of trees

Our yaks are really large

And they smell like rotting beef carcasses

And we have to clean up after them

And our saddle sores are the best

We proudly wear women's clothing

And searing sand blows up our skirts

And the buzzards they soar overhead

And poisonous snakes will devour us whole

Our bones will bleach in the sun

And we will probably go to Hell

And that is our great reward

For being the-uh ro-oh-yal,

Canadian...

Kilted...

Yaksmen!

Anita Bottle Of Aloe Vera 6,762 9
07/15/2004 07:00 PM

Whoops, that's what I get for attempting HTML and not previewing before submitting.

Dogs Akimbo 211,526 32
07/15/2004 07:11 PM

I think you coulda whipped some XML on that thing and it would not have helped...

Stinks of Mediocrity 1,200 9
07/15/2004 09:05 PM

Alright, here's 2 for you; one's clean and the other is semi (like me when I see Margaret Thatcher).



A man is driving along when he gets pulled over by a rookie-cop for speeding. After a brief discussion the officer requests to search the man's car.

"Okay" the man replies "but I have to ask that you not search in the glove box, because I don't want you to find the kilo of heroin I have in there."

The cop stands there stunned for a moment before the man continues:

"Oh, and please don't look under my seat, because rather you not see the gun under there."

The cop then quickly pulls the guy out of his car, slams him to the ground and cuffs him.

"I forgot," the man calmly continues "you can't search the trunk either, because I've got 3 bodies in there."

The cop begins to panic and decides to call his Sergent for backup while keeping the man detained.

When the Sergent arrives about the drugs, gun and bodies.

The Sergent the opens the glove box and finds no heroin. He checks under the seat and there's no gun. Finally he opens the trunk and there are no bodies.

"What's going on here," the Sergent yells "there's no drugs, guns or bodies in this car!"

"Exactly," the man replies "so are you actually going to beleive this jackass when he said I was speeding".



ha...ummm....ya.

Stinks of Mediocrity 1,200 9
07/15/2004 09:06 PM

the 350 word limit thing wouldn't lete me post the second. The after reading the first I'm sure you're all dying for my second nugget of comedy gold, so:





A guy's grandfather dies and leaves him a pet parrot. Soon after bringing the parrot into his home the man discovers that the parrot has a terrible potty mouth.

"Shakespeare, Frost, damn I need to get me some ass" the parrot would repeat day-in and day-out.

After a while this began to grate on the man quite a bit and he threatened the parrot to throw him in the freezer if the language didn't stop.

"Shakespeare, Frost, damn I need to get me some ass" the parrot replied.

This dance continued for day with the parrot cursing and the man threatening him for weeks until the man's new girlfriend came over for a visit. As things were getting hot and heavy between the two the parrot suddenly squaked:

"Shakespeare, Frost, damn I need to get me some of that ass"

In a fit of rage the man grabbed the parrot and tossed him in the freezer.

About 4 hours later the man opened the freezer to check on the bird.

"Are you going to quit swearing yet?" The man asks.

"Yes, and I apologize for my lude behaviour up until this point," the parrot replies, "but if I may ask, what exactly did the Turkey do?"

yorkydee 709 9
07/15/2004 09:28 PM

"Hello, is this the DEA?"



"Yes. What do you want?"



"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."



"Thank you very much for the call, sir."



The next day, the DEA agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.



The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the DEA come?"



"Yeah!"



"Did they chop your firewood?"



"Yep."



"Happy birthday, Buddy."

navighost71 12 8
07/15/2004 09:58 PM

Maybe a semiclean & a clean:



A man is riding in a plane when a woman sits next to him. The woman sneezes, then shudders violently. The man notices after a couple of sneezes, she does this every time. He decides to ask her, to which she replies, "I have a medical condition that causes me to experience an orgasm every time I sneeze."

The man asks, "What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper."





Now one for the kids:



A woman is sitting on a park bench as a man comes by snapping his fingers, saying along "I got the rythym, I got the rythym..."

Another man comes by a few minutes later snapping, "I got the rythym, I got the rythym..."

A third man comes by snapping.

She asks him, "Do you have the rythym?"

"No, I got a booger on my finger and I can't get it off!"

Vanilla Dew 891 10
07/15/2004 10:25 PM

Mary typically slept through Sunday school. One day, the teacher called on Mary after asking the class who created the universe.



When Mary didn't immediately answer, the boy seated behind her jabbed her in the back with a pin. "God almighty!" Mary shouted. The teacher replied "very good", and Mary fell back asleep.



Awhile later, the teacher asked Mary "Who is our Lord and savior?" The boy seated behind Mary jabbed her in the back again when she didn't respond, causing her to scream "Jesus Christ!" The teacher replied "very good", and Mary fell back asleep.



Later, the teacher asked Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?" The little boy once again jabbed Mary in the back to wake her up, causing her to shout "If you stick that damn thing in me ONE MORE TIME, I'll break it in half!"

PersianZug 888 9
07/16/2004 08:29 AM

Three ducks walk into a bar. The bartender asks the first :"Whats your name?" he replies " Hughie." The bartender asks " Hows your day been?" the duck replies " great fun, jumping in and out of puddles all day." the bartender says, "good. hows your day been?" gesturing the second duck to answer."oh, im dooey,and ive had a great day. Jumping in and out of puddles all day." so the bartender says "Good. So,you must be louie?" he gestures to the third. "No, actually. My name is puddles. And dont ask me how my day has been."

PersianZug 888 9
07/16/2004 09:52 AM

whats the difference between a sports car full of students and a porcupine?



on the porcupine the pricks are on the outside.

Don't touch me there, Mr Worthington 1,889 13
07/16/2004 11:37 AM

Doctor: Mr Smith, I'm afraid you only have two weeks to live.



Mr Smith: But that's terrible! I demand a second opinion.



Doctor: Ok then, you're ugly as well.

StormKat 2,051 9
07/16/2004 02:08 PM

A librarian, her first day on the job, is surprised to see a chicken walk into the library.

The chicken procedes to the counter and clucks, "Book Book Book Book."

Dumbfounded, the librarian hands the chicken a book. The chicken takes the book and leaves.



The next day, in walks the chicken. The chicken approaches the counter and places the previous book upon it. "Book Book Book Book." the chicken clucks. The librarian give a new book to the chicken and away it went. This time the librarian wonders where the chicken takes the book and she decides to follow the chicken should it return.



The next day, the chicken walks in and places the last book on the counter.

"Book Book Book Book." clucks the chicken and the librarian hands over another book.

This time, she follows the chicken out the door. The chicken walks down a dirt path to a small pond behind the library. There in the pond, is a frog seated on a lily pad. The librarian hides behind a small bush and watches as the chicken approaches the shore. "Book Book Book Book." the chicken clucks at the frog and the frog replies....





































"Read it! Read it!"

the juggalo 12 8
07/17/2004 05:13 AM

the only person that can pull off a clean funny joke is bob dole..god bless that man for walking around and talking in the third person..what a joke he is..VOTE BOB DOLE

173,153 25
07/17/2004 05:24 AM

You can't tell Bob Dole what to do! What if Bob Dole doesn't want to vote? Huh?

Bob Dole bets you never thought of that! Little punk.

Pistol luvs you with bullets 10,071 9
07/18/2004 10:38 AM

I think this one may be safe with your grandmother as long as she's not Catholic.



What's the best part of having a 10 year old boy in the shower with you?



You can slick back his hair and make him look seven.

Wyrmskyld 32 9
07/18/2004 12:21 PM

Clean jokes, huh?

Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A. Right where you left him.



Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. No eye-deer. (If it doesn't make sense, say it out loud)



Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A. Still no eye-deer.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
07/18/2004 01:55 PM

What happened when the blue dinosaur jumped in the red sea?





It got wet

Boston Accent 44 8
07/18/2004 02:06 PM

So a guy walks into a bar and see's a man thats only a foot tall playing the piano with a magic lamp next to him.

He walks up to the bartender and asks, "Does that magic lamp really work?" The bartender says, "Sometimes it does, give it a whirl."



So the man walks over and takes the lamp and rubs it and wishes, "I wish I had a million bucks!" There was a loud rumble and soon a million ducks were flying by the window of the bar.



"This lamp doesn't work at all!" exclaimed the man.



The bartender fluffs his brow and points to the pianist and says, "No kidding! You really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

Boston Accent 44 8
07/18/2004 02:08 PM

-What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?



-Peg



====



-What do you call a man with no arms or legs who is trying to swim?



-Bob



====



-What do you call a woman with one leg?



-Eileen

Boston Accent 44 8
07/18/2004 02:10 PM

I just realized my first post was a double...sorry..someonw already told that joke..

Wyrmskyld 32 9
07/18/2004 11:41 PM

Mr. Chan's Shop A Chinese curio shop specializing in imported carvings and other art objects was having a great deal of difficulty with shoplifting. Rare and exotic carvings were disappearing regularly in spite of careful vigilance by the proprietor, Mr. Chan. He had tried everything with no success and finally decided that the pilferage must be happening at night after the shop was closed. So he decided to keep watch one night and hopefully catch the culprit in the act. He hid himself behind some draperies on the mezzanine and began his vigil...

After many hours he was startled by a slight noise and sure enough, a small figure crept into the shop from a rear window and began gathering up some of the more choice teak carvings and putting them into a sack. A faint ray of light from the street outside the window fell on the floor near where the figure was standing and Mr. Chan could see that he wasn't wearing any shoes and had small feet like a little boy. He was even more surprised to discover that the figure was covered with fur and in fact looked very much like a small bear. When the robber had filled his sack he started for the back window again and Mr. Chan sprang into action. He leapt from his hiding place and shouted fiercely,

"Halt Boyfoot Bear with Teaks of Chan!!"

thegreatwent 564 9
07/19/2004 03:31 PM

My favorite team is the Pistons. I love the Pistons so much. Some people collect sports stuff so ill let you know that I've Piston shoes, I've Piston socks, I've even Piston ashtrays and Piston trousers. I think I've even Piston coffee cups and mugs.(pronounce out loud)

Calliope 927 10
07/19/2004 03:44 PM

A blonde buys a new car and decides to take it out for a spin and while she's driving she get stuck behind a slow moving semi. She starts tailgating him and honking. So, the semi gets her to pull over. He gets out and asks her what her problem is and she says that he was driving too slow for her. He goes back to his truck and gets a piece of chalk and a baseball bat. He draws a circle on the ground with the chalk and tells her to stand in it and to not move out of it no matter what he does. He then beats the crap out of her new car with the baseball bat. To his surprise, when he looks back at her, she's laughing. He asks her what she's laughing about and she says: "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

Munkus 2,801 10
07/19/2004 08:31 PM

<action>clicks anita's post</action>Do i really want to live in a world where a Ren and Stimpy quote doesn't get any clickies?







You people should be ashamed

SlumpBuster 40 8
07/20/2004 04:46 PM

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?



None, real mean are not afraid of the dark.

Proud Elitist 2,629 9
07/20/2004 05:23 PM

So this man is walking on the beach, and he comes across a lady in a wheelchair. As he gets closer, he sees that she has no arms or legs, and her head is bent forward as she convulses with sobs. The man approaches and cautiously says, "Uhm, hi.. I couldn't help but notice that you were kind of upset, you mind if I ask what's bothering you?".



she looks up, gives a little sniffle, and replies "well, look at me! No one loves me, I think I'm the lonliest person in the world." To which the man replies, "hey now... don't get down on yourself. I'm sure someone loves you." she states firmly, shaking her head "nope, I can't remember the last time someone even gave me a hug."



The man leans in, and gives her a good firm hug, figuring it would so some good.

"thank" she says and cautiously adds "you know, I've never been kissed either. I think I'm going to die without ever having a man kissed me." The man figures it can't do anyharm, figuring even though she has no arms or legs, she's kinda cute anyways. So he leans in and kisses her. He tried to wish he well and walk away, as it's getting late, but she starts crying again. The man is starting to get a little annoyed.



"I might die a virgin!" she whimpers, "I'll never have sex"

Now the guy can clearly see when he's being used, and gets really pissed off. He looks out at the waves and states bluntly "So what your trying to tell me is you want to get Frosted?"

"yeah!" she says, her eye lighting up.



So he grabs her by the waist, she only ways about 75 pounds, having no arms or legs. He leans back, heaves her into the ocean and yells at her "THERE! NOW YOU'RE FrostED!"

kostia 48 8
07/20/2004 05:58 PM

A B C D goldfish?



L M N O goldfish!



O S A R!

kostia 48 8
07/20/2004 06:03 PM

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.



He's disgusted with the conditions: too hot, bad food, lots of stairs, poor lighting ... so he gets to work organizing and fixing up the place.



Before long Hell has air conditioning, escalators, gourmet stoves and refrigerators, full-spectrum lights, you name it.



God stops by one day (this is the part of the joke I don't get, but go with it) and looks around, aghast at how things have changed. People are healthy and happy and are enjoying themselves and each other's company.



God goes up to the devil and says, basically "What the hell happened here?"



The devil says, "Isn't it great? We got an engineer, and he's really made the place something to be proud of."



God says, "That must have been a mistake. How did YOU get an engineer?! I'm taking you to court; we'll straighten this out."



The devil laughs, "You're going to SUE me? I'd like to see you try!"



God says, "Why shouldn't I?"



And the devil says, "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

ixos 852 9
07/20/2004 06:35 PM

So, a baby seal walks into a club.

ringworm 68,315 13
07/21/2004 03:19 AM

the snack that smiles back - goldfish!

ringworm 68,315 13
07/21/2004 03:47 AM

the cat that smiles back - starsky!

Dolphin Chunks 2,598 9
07/21/2004 04:42 AM

Damnit Worm, why keep bumping this? But okay---Recently in my inbox---

Subject: OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES



A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.



The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a

human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was

very

small.



The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.



Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a

human;

it was physically impossible.



The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".



The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"



The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".







A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while

they

were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's

work.



As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked

what

the drawing was.



The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."



The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."



Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl:

replied,

"They will in a minute."

Dolphin Chunks 2,598 9
07/21/2004 04:45 AM

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her

five

and six year olds.



After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,

she

asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our

brothers

and sisters?"



Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)

answered,

"Thou shall not kill."







One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes

at

the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several

strands

of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.



She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your

hairs white, Mom?"



Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and

make

me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."



The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then

said,

"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Dolphin Chunks 2,598 9
07/21/2004 04:48 AM

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary

school

for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun

made a note, and posted on the apple tray:



"Take only ONE. God is watching."



Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was

a

large pile of chocolate chip cookies.



A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the

apples.

Honey Bunches of Hollis 7,284 14
07/23/2004 12:23 AM

There were these three guys in the military. One had a gun, one had a knife, and one had a hand grenade. Well, one day, the soldiers decided that they were sick of being at war and they were going home. One by one, the men pitched the gun, the knife, and the grenade off of the roof of a building. As the men were walking away from the building, they encountered a small child crying. They asked her what the matter was. She replied, "I was playing with my friend and a gun fell out of the sky, hit her in the head, and killed her." The men felt awful but kept on walking. Soon, they ran into a woman who was crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" asked one of the soldiers. "Well, I was taking a walk with my husband when a knife fell out of the sky, hit him in the head, and killed him." The soldiers felt even worse now, but still continued to walk. They came upon a man who was laughing hysterically. The soldiers asked the man what was so funny. The man said, I was in line at the produce stand, and I farted, and the man behind me blew up!

Honey Bunches of Hollis 7,284 14
07/23/2004 12:27 AM

Once upon a time, there was a magical hill. If you ran up the hill and said something that you would like to become, then you would turn into whatever that was. So, one day, three friends found out about this hillside. One by one, they ran up it. The first man ran up the hill and shouted, "bird!" and he turned into a bird and flew away. The next man ran up the hill and shouted "butterfly!" and he turned into a butterfly and flew away. The next man ran up the hill, tripped on his shoelace, and said "Shakespeare!"

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/24/2004 03:06 AM

helloooooooo nurse.

sharribarri 14,124 11
07/27/2004 03:25 PM

An 8 year old told me this yesterday:



Two blondes walk into a building.

Don't you think one of them would have seen it?

westicles 9 8
07/27/2004 06:20 PM

A blonde's house catches on fire so she calls the fire department. She explains to the fire cheif that her house is on fire and that if they don't come soon then she'll lose everything. The cheif calms her down and asks her how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, big red truck."

Ishmael 100 8
07/28/2004 01:45 AM

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says,"You know you have a steering wheel down your pants... right?"

The pirate says,"AAAARRRR, it's driving me' nuts!"

Ishmael 100 8
07/28/2004 01:52 AM

A blind man walks into a store and starts swinging his seeing eye dog all over the place, the owner of the store says,"What are you doing you might hurt you dog!"

The blind man says,"I'm just looking around."

yorkydee 709 9
07/28/2004 02:51 AM

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the church?"



"No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church."



A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.



Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the city?"



"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest.



Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest. A slightly agitated Dopey stands up and asks "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the state?"



"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.



Dopey says; "Priest, are there any midget nuns in the country?"



The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"



Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church,

"Dopey Frosted a penguin. Dopey Frosted a penguin. Dopey Frosted a penguin."

Pickle Weasle 4,016 9
07/28/2004 03:18 AM

One day in Hell the devil was making his rounds. He came upon these 2 guys that were fresh from the surface. He was very curious why they were not in untolerable pain from the heat, so he decided to listen up on them talk. He heard one of them say "Hey, Hell isn't that bad after all!"

So the devil go really mad and decided to raise the temperature a few million degrees. The next day he came across the guys again. This time they were sitting in lawn chairs with a beer in their hands. The devil asked 'How can you guys stand this heat? It is hotter then the surface of the sun!!"

One of the guys replied "Hey, we're from Canada, we try to enjoy any warm weather we can!"

So the devil got so angry, he decided to turn down the temperature as low as possible. The next day, the devil went looking for the 2 Canadians, hoping they would be in utter pain. Instead, he found them jumping around and celebrating. The devil couldn't believe this, and asked why they were so happy, to which the second guy replied

"HELL FROZE OVER!!!THAT MEANS THE LEAFS WON THE CUP!!!"











zing!

Salathor 258 8
07/28/2004 03:26 AM

Okay...



A rabbi and a priest are walking down the street when they see a boy on the other side of the road. The priest says, "Hey, look! Let's Frost 'im."

The rabbi looks at the boy and says, "Out of what?"