A rat can last longer without water than...







a camel!

Dear Penguin People:



Hello. My name is Scott. I am from a country called The United States of America. It is located far across a body of water some know as the Atlantic Ocean. The United States of America is sometimes known by other names: America, Bloody Colonials, Soulless Bastards, USA or the States. They are all the same thing.



I recently visited your land. It was full of beans and toast. At times these things were combined. Also, the soda was always warm. Ice was nowhere to be found. This was odd to me.



While visiting I encountered a strange and wonderful thing. No, not girls that would not sleep with me, although there were plenty of them: I am referring to your fine line of Penguin bars.



I am writing to ask your Queen or perhaps your you to send Penguins over the ocean to my home. You can send them to stores or to directly to my house. I don't care. I just want to eat them with my mouth. I have included pictures of me using my feet to eat penguins. I love them so much I am worried if I touch them with my hands I will not be able to keep my hands off my hands. Surely you understand.











America is a nice place. No taxation without representation is all well and good, but, frankly, without Penguins it doesn't amount to much. Please send me Penguins. I have included 61 pence, which I could not exchange at the Godless money exchange counters because it was in coin form. I told the man working the desk that I was from America and he was either with me or against me, but he told me to "sod off." I am hoping these 61 pence will garner me at least one of your precious penguins. If you send me two penguins I will send more pence. I have lots of pence. I also like saying the word, "pence."



At the end of my trip I attempted to buy an assload of Penguins. However, I could only fit a few in my bag because the so called "supermarket" at Paddington Station didn't carry your 18 packs. A supermarket here could have 500 packs. We Soulless Bastards like big portions.



Your penguins helped me gain 7 pounds on my journey. I feel awful. My breathing is labored and it causes me pain to walk short distances. This means Penguins have brought me closer to death. I do not mind. Your Penguins are very delicious. One time I ate 9 of them while grazing on chips (potato, not French fries) and French fries. This grazing lasted nearly a minute and was described by onlookers as "ghoulish" and "desperate, urgent, pitiful and without regard to others in the room." Also overheard: "My God."



The Penguins were the best part of my trip, excluding the hookers. The hookers assured me they were disease free, which means I am, too. Well, NEW disease free. Ha ha. I will pay you at least as much as I paid them and all you have to do is send me biscuits. My foot fetish will not be involved except for when I eat your product alone in my room. With my feet.



Please keep me informed of new products and or job opportunities that involve being around Penguins (the candy) for a long period of time.



Bring Penguins to America. You will make lots of money and I will have renewed purpose in my life.



P-P-P-P-Please help me.



Regards,



Scott Taylor

USA

Emenius - NO IS FIRE! 1,431 8
08/05/2004 07:45 PM

You're a very lonely man aren't you?

csme: bi curious about Ditdah 14,845 9
08/05/2004 07:48 PM

You have long toes.

Pegleg Chickens- Arrrrrr 238,110 14
08/05/2004 07:49 PM

an arctic animal with a speech impediment



He has a point. Comedy icon gold.

(Chris Garrett) Jacques Strap 86,588 7
08/05/2004 07:49 PM

I can play "Heart and Soul" on the piano with my f-f-f-eet.

SHP - Terminatrix, now with Laser Beam Eyeballs! 126,312 11
08/05/2004 07:54 PM

The pictures frighten me, but the line I just want to eat them with my mouth made it okay.

No_Key_Bandit 76,342 8
08/05/2004 08:08 PM

They ought to have an action photo of Pittsburgh's NHL team on the package along with a clever caption like, "Not all Penguins are losers who can't score."

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,638 6
08/05/2004 08:19 PM

I don't even know what to say to this post except.



That is the most distrubing thing I have ever seen someone do with their feet.

el guapo 648 7
08/05/2004 08:25 PM

"Well, NEW disease free."



hehe. i also liked the grazing on chips and chips part. very amusing

Demonigeo 270 6
08/05/2004 08:26 PM

And it redefines the word scrumptious



Thats because it uses real chocolate. None of that American excuse for chocolate.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,638 6
08/05/2004 08:30 PM

There is better chocolate in other countries?



Where??? Which countries??? I must go there.



Hell, I must go ANYWHERE. I have only left Pennsylvania like 3 times my entire life.

No_Key_Bandit 76,342 8
08/05/2004 08:46 PM

I left Pennsylvania once...



Once!

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,701 7
08/05/2004 08:52 PM

Yay! I'm going to order some now, along with some Cadbury Flake...mmmm...



Now, if only they had Irn-Bru...

Ms. Trixxie (Rotten Eggsssssssss Farts) LeMay 64,479 13
08/05/2004 09:08 PM

Dude, that is the worst case of athelets feet I have ever seen. Of course now you have foot n mouth disease too.

Kellogg's Porn Flakes 3,935 7
08/05/2004 09:09 PM

While I read this I laughed with my mouth.

Ditdah - csme's lesbian bitch 115,023 10
08/05/2004 09:10 PM

My second toe is the same length as my little finger.



Seriously.

JordanRL 125 6
08/05/2004 09:54 PM

That big toe was big enough to have it's own limbs!



I read that article and laughed with my mouth. Often at the same time.

csme: menage au quatre 14,845 9
08/05/2004 09:56 PM

Damn Ditdah! Do you have man hands?

scotttaylor 2,846 7
08/05/2004 10:56 PM

I didn't know I had big toes. It's good to find these things out.



The Penguin letter is in the mail. I hope they reply. I taped the money together so it wouldn't jiggle about.



If they send me something good I'll be sure to put it here.

Pazza 0 6
08/05/2004 11:25 PM

What if they send you beans and toast?

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,701 7
08/05/2004 11:32 PM

You could always email them...



McVities.consumerservices@biscuits.com

Racheykins 4 7
08/05/2004 11:57 PM

You guys want some?

Penguins are a plaugue in Scotland and that plague is rife here in the west.

Best thing that ever happened - 36 pack buy one get one free.

1.99 ($4ish) for 72 penguins. oh the laughs. oh the heart disease.

And Irn-bru bars are much nicer than the drink.

And beans here are nice, not silly american beans, beans beans.

Go to a Fiesta, but heinz.

Racheykins 4 7
08/05/2004 11:57 PM

You guys want some?

Penguins are a plaugue in Scotland and that plague is rife here in the west.

Best thing that ever happened - 36 pack buy one get one free.

1.99 ($4ish) for 72 penguins. oh the laughs. oh the heart disease.

And Irn-bru bars are much nicer than the drink.

And beans here are nice, not silly american beans, beans beans.

Go to a Fiesta, buy heinz.

scotttaylor 2,846 7
08/06/2004 12:03 AM

I agree that the beans in England are far superior to the beans here in the States.



It's too late to email them; the letter is already in the mail.



I am going to order some soon. I really loved them. SO MUCH.

meancoffeebean 348 6
08/06/2004 12:16 AM

what is the difference in beans?

Diablas - tortilla tortillera 380 7
08/06/2004 12:43 AM

Penguins are the King of the biscuit world.



When you're p-p-p-peckish, p-p-p-pick up a penguin!

Hellbilly 4 6
08/06/2004 02:04 AM

Real Penguins are much better tasting.

Frogpop 155,669 12
08/06/2004 02:52 AM

For our convenience, Scotttayler had marked all the funniest articles with the Darth Vader Icon.

No_Key_Bandit 76,342 8
08/06/2004 03:09 AM

And yet I, an American whom has never been to England, have a better grasp on the English language than you do.



LOL!!!!!1111ONEONEONE

gobadine 2,726 6
08/06/2004 03:20 AM

you should try our jam filled waggon wheels. Yum.

Chit From Shine-ola 163,898 10
08/06/2004 03:51 AM

We do not drive on the wrong side of the road, we had roads b4 ur colonial country was born :-}







Agreed, but you choose to drive on the wrong side of them !

Venovel 0 6
08/06/2004 03:58 AM

I do not know about Penguins, but I love Hobnobs I picked up in Englnd when I visited a while ago. They were the most amazing things I have ever eaten and I still can not find them here. :(

Livewire 77,906 8
08/06/2004 04:22 AM

The British and Japanese have the best candy in the world.



They also have the worst teeth. Coincidence? Hardly.

lightning 4 6
08/06/2004 05:32 AM

And I thought the only good British candy was the Lion bar. Hmm.

Lovely Jenny, Meter Maid! 0 6
08/06/2004 10:21 AM

scottaylor, have you had HobNobs? My british boyfriend has gotten me hooked on them, and we both say Hobnobs are unique in their crunchy oatmeal chocolatey-ness

Humphrey's been drinkin' 51,326 10
08/06/2004 10:43 AM

They may take our Tim Tams, but they'll never take our freedom.

yorkydee 698 6
08/06/2004 10:50 AM

You chew your own toenails, don't you?

scotttaylor 2,846 7
08/06/2004 05:30 PM

I missed HobNobs. Perhaps when I go back.



And I didn't see any Penguins when I was in Paris, but I wish I would have. I would have bought a ton of them and then put them in all the bread I ate.

Dead Robot 67,245 11
08/06/2004 06:54 PM

TimTams come once a month to our office via the courier bag from the Sydney office.



They're like the baby jesus pooping on your tounge.

scotttaylor 2,846 7
08/06/2004 08:49 PM

Your hookers were kind.



"Do you want any business?" is something I will hear over and over in my own mind until I am dead.

Persian loves lickable BooBoo 869 7
08/06/2004 09:16 PM

Let me explain our english snack names. Chips are like your fries, but thick. Fries here are thin chips. Potato chips, or any other similar snacks (doritos etc) are called crisps. The word biscuit covers so much. It covers everything. From the queen of england to how you are feeling. i have no further explanation of the word "biscuit". You call any biscuit there cookies. Here they are only cookies if they are round and have chunks of stuff (eg. chocolate, toffee) in. Biscuits are not the same as candy here. Your jelly is our jam, and our jelly is your jell-o. 99p is equivalent to $1.33 as standard. oh, and its said: powe-taye-towe, and towe-may-toe. and its football, not soccer.And its pavement, not sidewalk. And finally, NO. EVERY ENGLISH PERSON DOES NOT KNOW THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND. OUR COUNTRY IS BIGGER THAN IT SEEMS.

</overload angry quibble over>



oh, and the "honeycomb echo" is superior to the penguins. but penguins are cheaper. and come with a joke.

Racheykins 4 7
08/06/2004 10:47 PM

Haven't you been paying attention? The pound is STRONG! 99p is $1.83.

The bean difference is huge, but i've no idea why. Ours are beans in a gooey tomato sauce, yours are like cowboy beans, meaty and not at all nice with toast.

Best of British - Cheese Hamwiches

Gonzo 17,604 12
08/06/2004 11:16 PM

I think I know of a guy over in England that will trade your some of those for a P-P-P-P-P-PowerBook.

Boots at the Boar 2,296 8
08/07/2004 04:28 AM

Whats ur pathetic excuse then for ur strange way of driving on the right hand side of the road?



Because the right side is the right side of the road to drive on. Actually, it's because, in the early days of motoring, the buyer would choose which side of the car he wanted the wheel to be. But Henry Ford's move to mass production meant there had to be standardization. He chose the left side. Fords quickly became the most popular vehicles in the US, so Henry's choice was the norm. American motorists tended to drive on the right to distance themselves, if not their offside fenders, from poles and posts on that side of the road. Once traffic built up, this practice was enshrined in US legislation. There's also conjecture that Henry deliberately broke from the normal practice of putting the wheel on the right to skirt a patent filed by one George Seldon, an attorney with an eye on the cash register. Locating the wheel on the left was one of Ford's many tricks to make his car as different as possible from the Seldon patent, meaning he could avoid paying royalties.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,567 10
08/07/2004 04:30 AM

Holy crap, that was funny you Frostin' n00b.

Hollis the Butt Munch! 7,028 8
08/07/2004 05:03 AM

I'm going to write them. To ask for Penguins. Delicious Penguins.

MKV is Piemaster - Now With %50 Less Funny! 10,666 9
08/07/2004 05:34 AM

[Insert witty comment here.]

Flying Hippo, Looking for a new name 1,243 8
08/07/2004 07:58 AM

C-C-C-C-C-Comedy silver! at least!

Bonky 75,356 13
08/07/2004 09:30 AM

I'm not going to read all of this crazy talk, but Kroger's grocery stores carries Penguins.

Gonzo 17,604 12
08/07/2004 09:40 AM

Not the fresh butchered kind, Bonkers.

Bonky 75,356 13
08/07/2004 08:50 PM

Fortunately, they also sell pairing knives on aisle 7.

scotttaylor 2,846 7
08/07/2004 11:24 PM

I can't believe that I'm the first one to point this out but penguins are Antarctic animals.



Oh, dear. You're right.



Sloppy.

Nydus Canal 490 9
08/10/2004 03:51 PM

You bastard, learn how to take pictures. The FOREGROUND is supposed to be in focus, not the BACKGROUND.

JittaUK 44 6
08/10/2004 08:15 PM

penguins lose their charm when you know you could easily have one every day - in this ever so exciting country, penguins can be found everywhere (not the real live ones, though that would be pretty cool) so i've sort of gone off them. shame. they're good for munchies though. yum.

Stab Stably 28 6
08/11/2004 03:40 AM

Hey, foot-eater! Those bars may taste good - but how do they smell? P-P-P-P-EWWWWW!

dietcrack 121 7
08/16/2004 02:10 PM

That is the most distrubing thing I have ever seen someone do with their feet.



Well, if it means anything, I've been selling pictures of my feet to a German man for about a year and a half now. He prefers me to wear socks with holes in them, and verbally abuse him when he pays for the pictures. Recently, he has recruited another foot-fetishist, also german, who also pays me for pictures and videos of my feet, as well as used socks that I occasionally mail to him.



Have I raised the disturbing bar?

thelastpotato 147 7
08/16/2004 05:11 PM

i wish i could sell pictures of my feet. hell maybe then id stop going barefoot and let the hard scales on the bottom go away

tadpole 184 6
08/16/2004 05:16 PM

After the AUS - USA free trade agreement goes ahead, i expect tim tams could make it to American supermarkets,



you dont have to fantasise (or as you americans would say fantasize) about them anymore

The Clog- wearing Kipper 0 6
08/16/2004 08:10 PM

No, No, No people!

Penguins? Oreos?

Has no one here discovered the greatness of Jaffa Cakes? The genius, scrumptious snack, a magical cross between a chocolate biscuit, and a cake. The amazing food, with a fluffy, light base, a tangy orangey bit, topped with a layer of chocolate. Pure heaven, specially when nibbled off your lovers stomach in bed. The only bad thing about that is that one of you may get some stray orangey bit stuck to you during your bed-wrestling, making it a little messier...... than usual, anyways.......

The Clog- wearing Kipper 0 6
08/16/2004 08:12 PM

No, No, No people!

Penguins? Oreos?

Has no one here discovered the greatness of Jaffa Cakes? The genius, scrumptious snack, a magical cross between a chocolate biscuit, and a cake. The amazing food, with a fluffy, light base, a surprising tangy orangey bit, topped with a layer of chocolate. Pure heaven, specially when nibbled off your lovers stomach in bed. The only bad thing about that is that one of you may get some stray orangey bit stuck to you during your bed-wrestling, making it a little messier...... than usual, anyways.......

Talisyn 0 6
08/16/2004 09:16 PM

Crunchies... Cadburies Crunchies... or Dairy milk w/ Crunchies... Why Why doesn't Cadburies try those out on us Americans... I'm going to die of longing.

Ninja Stoat - Stealth rodent flips out 9,045 8
08/16/2004 09:51 PM

Hah, another sucker, conned by our penguin Shakespeare-in-a-wrapper concoction. There's one born every minute!

Miracles 22,406 0
08/19/2004 12:00 PM

spell check not in da hizzie.

JittaUK 44 6
08/20/2004 07:55 PM

Jaffa cakes - the most amazing invention including a slab of squidgy orange stuff, some spongey biscuit stuff + dark chocolate. I bow down to anyone who can find something more delicious.

Donna Kebab 66 6
08/20/2004 08:18 PM

Has anyone tries the Penguin Cake Bars? Mmm, they are highly addicted. Should come with a warming. My local shop stopped selling them, so I wrote to complain(that how much I love them). I am happy to say they are now back on the shelves. Mr Kipling Bakewell Slices are great aswell.

Lizzie Borderline 4,194 7
08/20/2004 10:25 PM

you have some mighty impressive toes. but i rule the roost around here when it comes to prehensileness. we might have to have a toe off.

Neep, Janeway's personal foot masseuse. 33,067 11
09/21/2004 07:19 PM

Oh come on! I have penguins! In my front yard!

sammy2 0 5
03/09/2006 11:41 PM

Im in england yum im actually eating penguins and wagon wheels now ill send you some if you pay for the shipping.

Dolly P. 4 1
07/10/2009 11:33 PM

I live in england so see them alot, I enver realized you don't next time you HAVE to find Jaffa cakes, they have no tax on them 'cause their mini cakes (and cakes don't have tax for some reason) anyway Jaffa cakes and spong with orange on the top in th emiddle (flovored i believe) and choclate covering it, I still can't work out which part of it i like most, Remember Jaffa Cake's :p

Dolly P. 4 1
07/10/2009 11:33 PM

oops I mean you don't have them

peoriagrace 5,962 9
07/11/2009 01:18 AM

Sorry this all sounds rather sucky. I would rather have homemade cookies or pepperidge farm bordeux cookies. As for the beans, here in the NW we have all kinds of beans served many different ways. My personal favorite is refried with tortilla chips, fresh salsa and sour cream.

Do you have mexican food in the UK?

Hairy Nipples 2,132 5
07/11/2009 01:31 AM

Wow. Grace you get clickies for bumping this one. I have never laughed so hard at anything on this site, ever, except that one time, and all those other times.

Ali_Legend 735 5
07/11/2009 01:39 AM

Nice necro.

BTW I had a penguin a few hours ago, I have a lovely bag of *18* mmm mmm.

Chix is in da house 238,110 14
07/13/2009 11:38 PM

I bought one of these the other day. Right here in Amerikaland. Course it was in a British Shop at the Highland Games last weekend.

It didn't hold a candle to marathon bars.