Livewire 78,229 13
07/23/2004 08:19 PM

The Soup Mug: The kitchen area at work is disgusting. I'm the only one who cleans it because I'm less concerned with looking domesticated than I am with dying of staph infection. The shelves that stored the coffee mugs were in dire need of a washing. There was nothing to stand on for my 5'8" frame to reach the top shelf, but since all the coffee cups were in use, I could simply extract the empty shelves and wash them at sink-level.



The cupboard was not as empty as I thought. I use both hands to grip either end of the shelves as I pulled them out. The first shelf I pulled out was the top shelf, and hidden away on the back of the shelf was a soup mug. One of those insipid mugs with a recipe for mushroom soup on the side, as though anyone makes mushroom soup from scratch. I didn't see it because I'm not 6'4". However, as I pulled the shelf out, I could feel the balace of the shelf shifting. I knew something was falling, but I couldn't see what it was. Although from the weight, I could feel where it was going to fall from. I watched for the little bastard to fall from the shelf still held far above my head in my outstretched arms, which it did. I kicked out my foot to when I thought it was going to fall, hoping that my foot would break the cup's fall enough so that it could survive the fall to the floor. Not only did I accurately predict the path of the cup, but I actually caught the thing with my foot. I then allowed it to roll silently off my foot and on to the floor, where it rested right-side-up. My boss saw the whole thing and merely commented, "That could have gone worse."

Livewire 78,229 13
07/23/2004 08:19 PM

The Birthday Cake: I can't remember whose birthday it was. Maybe it was mine. I was about 12 or 13. Everyone was eating generous slices of chocolate cake. I noticed someone carelessly resting their plate on an open palm, and not gripping the plate's edge like a pro. I watched her like a hawk. Sure enough, someone bumped her arm and sent the cake tumbling. Even worse, the cake and plate took separate trajectories. I took a huge step towards her, and palmed the underside of the plate. I then twisted my wrist and accelerated the plate toward the falling cake. Just as the plate contacted the cake, I twisted my whole arm to bring the two right-side-up again. I stood there, doing the splits, and holding a perfectly safe slice of cake on a perfectly righted plate, and looking like awesomeness incarnate.

Livewire 78,229 13
07/23/2004 08:19 PM

I would have made this an article, but everyone deserves clickies for their spectacular plays.

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
07/23/2004 08:21 PM

Birthday Cake



I can't beleive that. It's too full of awesomeness.

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 08:22 PM

Livewire is Neo!

filly182 39,193 20
07/23/2004 08:23 PM

I love Livewire. Yes, you have a new stalker.

Pickle Weasle 4,016 9
07/23/2004 08:28 PM

I once caught a cold



Ba dum bum bishhhhh

The mysterious Snork 45,655 12
07/23/2004 08:34 PM

I've had my own Matrix experience a couple years ago.



It was Gym class. Some smartass decided to kick a basketball really hard.

It's like I felt it coming. I turned my head and saw the ball coming like a leather and rubber locomotive toward my face, but in slow motion, like in those cheap Kung-fu movies. Needless to say, I had little problem blocking the ball with my cool Kung-fu action fist.



I wish I could say that I then flew towards my antagonist and with an uber-awesome 360 spin knocked him silly.



No, all I said was: 'You Frost! That hurt!' and he was like 'What you say?'.



I said nothing.



I got detention for swearing.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/23/2004 08:41 PM

Ice Cream: So I'm sitting on the edge of a bench, enjoying something akin to a Dove bar, but cheaper, because let's face it, who needs extra expensive chocolate on a popsicle stick anyway. It's a hot day out, and I'm pretty well known for taking my time with ice cream. Part of the chocolate shell starts melting down the side, in a second, I know it's falling downward towards the sidewalk. Now I play soccer, so having fast leg reflexes comes with the territory. So what else do I do when this piece of ice cream/chocolate is falling, but catch it, right between my legs, getting chocolate all over some nice new khaki cargo pants. Just call me Mia.

Pickle Weasle 4,016 9
07/23/2004 09:04 PM

Cup: I was working at a fast food place, but not fast food, it was called Williams coffee Pub. I was in the dish pit stacking the dishes so high they were near the stratosphere. Anyways, I was washing a tray of them when I hear the tower start to fall. I quickly tried to push all the dishes back, but one cup managed to escape. Here I was, both arms wrapped around a pile of dirty dishes, watching this one bastard start to fall. I used to play hacky-sack, so instinctivly I put out my foot to try a stall. Believe it or not, the cup actually fell onto the tip of my foot. To top it off, I kept it there and once I had stabilized the tower of dishes, I kicked the cup back up and grabbed it in midair.

Pegleg Chickens 286,472 61
07/23/2004 09:17 PM

The STD: Don't ask.

Hollis the Butt Munch! 7,284 14
07/23/2004 10:58 PM

Playstation: Years ago, my parents gave one of my younger sisters a Playstation for her birthday. Playstations are pretty cool, but my sister was only 6 or 7 so she thought that it was absolutely the Shakespeare. My dad had hooked it up to the TV in the living room, and the actual Playstation system was sitting about four or five feet off of the ground on the TV cabinet. Well, I was standing there, talking to my mom on the other end of the living room, when my sister pulled the controller a bit too hard. The Playstation started to fall. I leapt over furniture, nearly squished the dog, and dove to catch the Playstation, inches away from the hardwood floors.



Once again, the day is saved, thanks to cat-like reflexes. Oh baby.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,762 15
07/23/2004 11:40 PM

The STD: Don't ask.







(singular?)













Rookie !

The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
07/23/2004 11:43 PM

Rolled T-shirt: Sitting in an NHL arena, waiting for the game to start. I am casually talking with my friend and merely paying attention to the ice. Down on the rink, a little cart is sliding around to entertain the audience. An air cannon sits on top of the cart, which a guy uses to shoot rolled t-shirts in the public. As the cart approaches my side of the ice and the cannon guy looks around for a target for his next t-shirt, a group of seven or eight teenagers behind me starts to scream and wave to get his attention. They go berserk, stretching their arms above my head, hitting the back of my seat with their knees, and of course, interrupting my conversation with their high-pitched breaking-from-puberty voices.

The cart then starts to change direction. Just when the volume of the screams behind me starts to fade in obvious disappointment, the cannon shooter rotates his lethal weapon and shoots his tightly rolled t-shirt in my direction. Not just in my "general direction". For a brief second, I can see the tightly rolled-up object speeding like an arrow towards my face. The seats in the row before me are still empty at that moment. Without even standing up, I lift my hands in front of me, more as a reflex to protect my face than as an intent to catch the object, and I catch it. I just know that the way I (unintentionally) kept my cool during that brief moment made me look like James Bond catching a 9mm bullet between his fingers. I did not even turn around to look at the young savages. But I know their faces were green with envy.

Chit From Shine-ola 178,762 15
07/23/2004 11:55 PM

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on

base.

-Dave Barry

McStupid, 75% less sodium 13,155 9
07/24/2004 12:16 AM

Fish: One day I was out on a lake. I caught one.



The End.

Mr.Glass Is Watching You 25,340 11
07/24/2004 12:33 AM

My spectacular catch? I was around 12 or so, playing junior league baseball for the Twins I believe. After my amazing display of pitching and catching, I was promptly retired to the digraceful position of right field. You know... that part of the field nobody ever hits to.



It was the ninth inning. The bases were loaded. We were tied. 2 out, and 2 strikes on the guy up to bat. We liked to call him 'Blitzkreig Craig'... or at least I did. I didn't get out much.



Curve ball. To no avail.



The batter slammed that bad mother-Froster like a Vietnamese whore; to right field.



What was I doing at the time? I was told to always keep my eye on the ball for the sake of the game and personal safety. At the time, I was busy spinning in circles to see how blurry I could make the world. It was pretty damn blurry. To gain maximum spin, I'd start with my arms out, then quickly pull them in to add power to my awesome rotation. For lack of space, I kept my gloved hand up around the back up my head.



Cosmis forces collided, and the Greek God of chance must have rolled a 7, because as I turned, I went into the perfect position to catch one speeding ball that would have otherwise plastered me in the face.



Lesson learned: Idiocy combined with spinning will save your life.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/24/2004 12:43 AM

Rolled T-shirt - Pt. 2: I had a really long story written out, but it wasn't funny and it just started to turn into one long nostalgic snot kleenex. Suffice to say, a friend caught one of those things and gave it to me. Oh how we laughed.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/24/2004 01:15 AM

I have three that I can remember. The first one is perhaps the most impressive.



The Cell Phone I'm at a high school football game where the bathroom stalls are notoriously cramped. I found myself in the unfortunate position of having to poop AND having a brand new cell phone attached to my side. So, after leaving my big grumpy and cleaning up, I start to pull up my jeans. My brand new cell phone with the slippery leather case and clip rubs up against the toilet paper holder, comes off my jeans and heads for the toilet.



The entire event seemed to happen in slow motion.



There I am, pants not zipped up, big grumpy in the toilet and my cell phone in mid air. Headed straight for the toilet. I reach out and snag the phone like a frog snagging a fly with its tongue, about six inches above the toilet seat.



All I know is that I would have had a hard time flushing that cell phone. Aint no way I'd have gone fishin'.



Oh, and three months later while pissed off at the same phone I tossed it off the top of Stone Mountain. Bitch ass phone had it coming after all I did for it.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/24/2004 01:22 AM

The Candlestick This happened about a month ago. We, as idiots and cat owners, have crystal candlesticks on our mantle. Cats love mantles. Cats also love to rub on things. So I'm sitting in my chair watching TV and yelling at one of the cats to get off the mantle. Its working well because he's looking back at me WHILE rubbing his face on one of the candlesticks. All of the candlestick starts teetering and I can tell its going to fall right onto the hearth and into a bajillion pieces. I spring from my chair (like a cat, of course) and over the ottoman, around the coffee table and toward the fireplace. The distance is approximately fifteen feet. I dive like I'm trying to catch the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and catch the candlestick right before it hits the ground. I am the MVP.



Of course, my momentum carried my head straight into the fireplace for a nice added comedic bonus.



My wife's comment: Nice catch honey!! I'd have just let it fall.



Nice to know I'm appreciated.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/24/2004 01:31 AM

And Finally...



The Baseball I'm 11 years old. My only brother is seven years older than me and more than happy to have a younger brother to slap around toughen up. He once introduced me to socker boppers and beat the hell out of my while teaching me how to fight. He was about to learn that he had just made me a mean kid that wasn't into taking Shakespeare from anybody.



We're in the backyard one day and he finds a baseball that I left out in the yard. This pisses him off because the baseball is ruined from rain, heat, dog piss, whatever. While standing about 25 feet away from me he hurls the ball straight at me with all his might. Bad mistake. Its like I never even saw the ball, rather, I just willed it into my left hand. I caught it. Yes, it hurt like hell.



Without missing a beat I threw it back as hard as I could. He never expected it. He also never expected that it would hit him square in his yambag. I could tell this because his eyes popped right out of his head and came to rest on the ground next to the baseball and his nads. Well, not really, but you get the point.



He never really gave me any Shakespeare after that.

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/24/2004 02:04 AM

I'm the only one who cleans it because I'm less concerned with looking domesticated than I am with dying of staph infection.



or, even worse, a staff infection.

Frogpop 173,153 25
07/24/2004 02:06 AM

The batter slammed that bad motherflaper like a Vietnamese whore; to right field.



Try slamming your next Vietnamese whore to rice field. They'll feel more at home.

ringworm 68,315 13
07/24/2004 02:19 AM

the cigarette one evening whilst sitting around (probably drunk) w/ friends and some guy i didn't know from out of town, new guy starts tossing cigarettes in to his mouth. at the time, this was the most amazing thing anyone had ever seen, so it wasn't too long before everyone in the room is pelting themselves in their faces w/ cigarettes (yeah, definitely drunk). after many failed attempts, i lined up my shot, gave it a nice toss, and caught it neatly inside one of my nostrils.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/24/2004 02:37 AM

caught it neatly inside one of my nostrils



I can honestly say I've never seen those words in that order before.

Stinks of Mediocrity 1,200 9
07/24/2004 03:11 AM

The Bowl: Being a soccor player (like the above guy who caught the ice cream with his penis, or whatever) not only are my feet quick, but I am also inclined to try and stop things from hitting the floor with them. I think everybody does this now and then...you drop your phone or baby and try and stop it with your foot from nailing the ground.



Anyways, I was in the kitchen with my dad making dinner and he dropped one of those big serving bowls. The rest was slow motion. On instinct I automatically stick out my foot, while at the same time he goes to catch it. In some sort of crazy reaction the bowl bounces of my shoe, changing it's direction slightly so that the very lip of the bowl ricochets of the side of his hand, sending it into a wierd updward spin. It nails him in the mouth and he yells: "Frost-ing whore-master" (probably the funniest thing a dad has ever said, ever!). However, as he's standing there and I'm laughing my ass off he takes his hand away from is mouth to reveal a nice gash on his gums and a chipped tooth (pyrex is tought Shakespeare, the bowl didn't even break). I couldn't stop myself from laughing and seeing the angry look on his face only made laugh harder....but it gets better. Forgetting that the bowl was pyrex, he grabs the bowl of the floor in his bloody, toothless rage and whips it at the linolium (sp?). Again, the bowl doesn't break, but instead bounces of the floor and lands --no bullShakespeare-- upside down in the open cupboard under the sink where he had taken it from.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/24/2004 07:03 PM

<action>refuses to bump thread</action>

Hmmm...

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/24/2004 07:08 PM

Just for the record, I did not catch ice cream with a nonexistant penis. So drop it, okay?

Lila 78,550 13
07/24/2004 07:08 PM

Step Class: Nothing too spectacular about this one but every single time I miss the step in step aerobics class I either jump right back on with the next beat or manage to make it look like I did it on purpose, thereby impressing all the first-timers and myself.

Trust me, this is a big coordination deal since before I started taking the class I was bumping my shin on the coffee table at least every other day.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
07/24/2004 07:08 PM

No seriously. Stop talking about it. Now.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/26/2004 11:26 AM

<action>bumps it for the weekday crowd</action>

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
07/26/2004 11:30 AM

I have had so many such incidents, recently. Unfortunately, they do not always turn out so well.



Recently, I was loading the dishwasher and set a grease-filled pan on the side of the sink. Along comes my brother, and he slams into the pan. It, of course, goes flying; I swivel and grab, cradling it against my chest ... along with the inch-deep pool of hot grease in the bottom, which proceeds to slop all over my new, white shirt.



I still haven't got the damned thing clean.

turtle10 42,574 26
07/26/2004 11:40 AM

The Swedish Fish:



One year I was at a Halloween Party with my brother. A bunch of us were sitting around eating Swedish Fish. My brother was across the room, probably about 30 or so feet away with the bowl of the red sugary swedish yumminess. I call for him to pass the bowl. Instead he just grabs a fish and throws it in my direction over 4 unsuspecting party goer's heads. I caught it....in my mouth

turtle10 42,574 26
07/26/2004 11:45 AM

The Baby Targeted Foul Ball



I was at a softball game sitting about 3 rows up on the bleachers behind the backstop. There was a baby carriage in front of the bleachers with it's back to me. A foul ball came soaring back towards us and started it's descent straight for the carriage. I lept into action, stumbling over the rows of unforgiving steel and reached out my hand to prevent this errant ball from crushing an innocent infant.......I missed. The ball crashed into the top of the carriage amidst gasps of onlookers wondering about the baby who's head would surely now look like a bruised apple. The mother calmy looks at me and says, don't worry, she's over there and points to the swingset.

Pegleg Chickens- Arrrrrr 286,472 61
07/26/2004 11:45 AM

Sweedish Vish?

Chocolate Smeared Stoat - mmm, a tasty treat 9,077 10
07/26/2004 11:54 AM

The custom Les Paul: So my friend and I are round his house - he's been playing guitar for years. We decided that we would be the coolest people in the world if we thrashed around his living room like a small child with his fingers in the plug socket, listening to heavy metal music. Of course, no headbanging session is authentic without a real guitar, so I grab his Les Paul. As I hoop the strap over my neck, the other end decides to pop off it's clasp. The neck starts to fall to the floor, quicker then I can think to stop it.



As I gaze with a somewhat stupid fascination as my friend's pride and joy hurtles to the floor, he dives from 3 foot away, like a fatty reaching for a dropped chip. Ignoring the ensuing carpet burns, he catches the neck of the guitar in his hand.



Most amazing thing I've ever seen.



Except for that dog with no back legs running along on a little custom made spaz chariot, but that's for another time.

SHP: it's all about me 181,718 70
07/26/2004 11:58 AM

I dropped a full jar of mayonaise once. I caught it with my bare toe, and instead of breaking, the jar rolled smoothly off onto the floor.



Not only did I not have to clean up greasy smelly mayo, but I was rewarded with the purdiest purple toe that I've ever seen.

Scotty's Name was Infantile and Stupid 5,349 10
07/26/2004 12:09 PM

The Double Bud: I used to work at a gas station that sold beer. I was stocking the cooler at the time of this incident. When six packs of bottles are packeged, they come four in a case. I pulled out one of the four from the box, and two of the beers from the adjoining six pack got hung by the bottlecaps on the edge of the sixer I was holding. I didn't realize they were on there until they started falling. In one motion, I put down the sixer I was holding and caught the two falling beers, one in each hand. I wasn't surprised by the right-handed-catch because I'm right handed. The left-handed-catch blew my mind. I don't know about you, but my left hand is pretty much worthless......well.....almost worthless. (See "The Stranger")

Ashley 44 9
07/26/2004 12:09 PM

I used to play baseball on a co-ed team and I was the only girl. One of the hitters on our team was a guy named Gustavo, he didn't speak english but he could really drill it. Generally, if he stepped up to the base, we chalked up a homerun. One day at practice I was in left field (being the only girl) and he was up. When he hit the ball I had about half a nano second to realize it was gonna hit me in the stomach. I assumed and accepted my own death but put my glove in front of my gut anyway. Next thing I knew I was sitting on my ass with the ball in my glove and Gustavo was out. They let me play right field after that.

Whistler P. McManus 185,953 44
07/26/2004 12:18 PM

The Baby When my younger son was only about six months old, he had an attack of croup or something in the middle of the night. His crib was in our room, and I hear him gasping for air. I jumped out of bed and scooped him up, deciding we had to go to the hospital and grabbing my pants with the other hand.



I had the baby in one hand and a pair of shoes in the other, and my pants about half way up when I started down the stairs. About a third of the way down, the dog decides to wake up and think she's going outside with us. She hip checks me as she passes on the stairs (she was a big dog) and I start falling down the stairs, head first. In the semi darkness, I see the baby over my shoulder, sailing through the air toward the bottom of the stairwell. I twist myself over so that I'm now face up, land spectacularly hard on my upper back, take a shoe in the face and grab the baby out of the air, clutching him against my chest.



We lived on the same street that the hospital was on, but it was a one-way street and the hospital was the wrong direction. I decided to save time by backing the car up the street a la Starsky and Hutch, and got to the hospital in about 30 seconds.



A quick nebulizer treatment and we were back in bed before the sun came up.

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
07/26/2004 12:46 PM

I can't beleive that. It's too full of awesomeness.



Now, if it had been posted by BobJohnson...

Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
07/26/2004 12:52 PM

I was playing left field at the school across the street from my house and totally picked off this kid's homerun once.



The spectacular part is that I was actually playing a sport rather than sitting at home devouring a double big mac or large papa john's pizza.

Fratberry 282,833 53
07/26/2004 02:11 PM

a double big mac or large papa john's



I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with either of these sexual positions.

Errol 10,584 9
07/26/2004 02:15 PM

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with either of these sexual positions.



That's because they're illegal in almost every country in the world.









Except France. Cuz...you know...they're Frosted up there.

Vlad The Impaler 19,599 12
07/26/2004 02:31 PM

Ultimate Whiteboy Dance

Vlad was one day entertaining some guests at Vlad's pad. So everyone got to talking about how white people can't dance. Vlad happens to be green, and everyone knows green guys can dance and have huge ding-a-dongs. Anyway, Vlad decided to do the Ultimate Whiteboy Dance, which amounts to grabbing the back of your neck with your left hand, and grabbing your right ankle with your right hand, then stab at an invisible assailaint with your knee and elbow.



So Vlad ends up doing this a little too close to the 25" TV in the living room. Boom, Vlad's right foot nails the TV, where Vlad's wife's porceline horses head ala The Godfather is perched. Vlad starts going down, and miraculously reaches backward, upends the TV with Vlad's right arm, and catches the falling amputated equestrian noggin in Vlad's left.



Vlad's no longer permitted to do the Ultimate Whiteboy Dance.

Bankey 70,843 10
07/26/2004 02:32 PM

Gustavo... ...he could really drill it... ...if he stepped up to the base, we chalked up a homerun



Man, foreign guys get ALL the tail.

Proud Elitist 2,629 9
07/26/2004 02:47 PM

The following story makes me truly proud, and it reminds me that I truly am Canadian.

I was 16 at the time, but I remember it like it was yesterday...



Hockey Puck: I'm at a Maple Leaf's Home Game (I forget who they're playing) entertaining a friend's girlfriend for the night. we have sweet seats, and we're sitting seven rows up to the sides of (the Leafs Goaly at the time). I'm kind of watching the puck, making idle chat with the woman I'm sitting beside, when I hear a loud *DING* noise. The puck and flown off of someone's stick, and hit the top of the glass boards, only to ricochet down, right towards my friend's girlfriend's face. The puck is moving atleast 50 miles an hour, as pucks tend to.



I have never felt a part of my body move so fast as then, but my left hand shot out in front of her face, and bloked the puck from destroying her nose.



The puck bounced off of my hand and into the row in front of me, where some Emerson took it. I'll never forget how people around me stared in admiration and awe at me, as if I were a demi god on earth trained as a Secret Service agent. They then applauded my heroic feat, as I calmy nodded my head, cool as dirty Harry.



As is customary when a puck goes into the audience, a medic came down to our area to ask me if I was ok. Of course I was ok, I was only a superhuman you fool!



It wasn't until later in the game that I saw my hand swell up like someone had injected a golf ball into my palm, and realised my hand-bone (the technical term I believe) was cracked.



As a post script to the story, about six months later, the girl left her boyfriend, and slept with me, taking my virginity in the process. I'm almost positive me saving her face had everything to do with it.

Sane Person Undercover 29 9
07/26/2004 03:26 PM

The Good: I was at a Toronto Rock lacrosse game, and I was sitting in the far corner of the lower bowl of the Air Canada Centre with a group of friends, who were treating me for my birthday. After the third quarter, out came the t-shirt toss crew and their group of scantily clad cheerleaders. The crowd rose to their feet, partly in hopes of catching a shirt, but mostly in hopes of getting one of the scantily clad ladies to look in the direction of their shirtless beer bellies tossing to and fro. The crew made their way around the floor, tossing a few bundles of cotton joy into the stands, and shirt-zooka-ing others into the upper bowl. They finished their round and headed for the exit, when one of the scantily clad ladies bent over to pick something up: one leftover t-shirt.



The crowd rose to their feat again, partly in hopes of catching the last shirt, but mostly in hopes of seeing something exciting as she was leaning over. Not knowing what to do with the rolled up shirt, she handed it to one of her likely-gay male counterparts as the rest of the crew left the floor. He looked at the shirt, shrugged, and tossed it non-chalantly into the stands. It flew through the air in a graceful majestic arc, over and through numerous clutching arms and nestled snugly into my grasp. I caught the last t-shirt. And it was my birthday. I rule.

Sane Person Undercover 29 9
07/26/2004 03:28 PM

The Bad: I was fortunate enough to be given a ticket to see the Toronto Maple Leafs' mid-season skills competition. My friends and I were seated front and centre of the upper bowl; prime real estate. Prior to the show, the team mascot - Carlton the Bear - and his minions were tossing plush miniature versions of the Bear into the stands. I shuffled to the still-empty seats next to me and jumped up and down like a man recently hamstered. The bazooka-men saw me and turned my way.



They fired.



The bear flew low and into the near-empty press-box below. A few boos ensued. The bazooka crew was derided for their sub-par aim, most notably by me and my visual taunts. They aimed again, and fired again. Up the bear soared and headed straight for me. I prepared for the catch, and the crowd hushed in anticipation. It flew toward me, tossing and tumbling in a smooth arc that would make a calculus expert get all weepy. I braced for the catch and learned in a microsecond that those little buggers bounce.



The bear hit the palms of my hands, bounced over my head, and hit the glass partition behind me. It deflected off to the side, and headed back toward the seats. I lunged, but was a split-second too late as the bear bounced off a seat, over the balcony, and down into the depth of the lower bowl below to the glee of some rich suit and the agony of yours truly.



I sat with my hands covering my face, still in disbelief at missing the catch. I looked like I had lost the World Series. I looked up to see my hand-covered face on the jumbotron. The bazooka men grinned. Bad karma.

Sane Person Undercover 29 9
07/26/2004 03:29 PM

The Ugly: I regularly play ball hockey, and played in the rec league at my university when I attended there. I played goaltender, so catching things was naturally a big part of the position. In one particular game, I did so well that everyone else was in complete shock and awe. Picture it: They've got the ball in their possession, and the ballhandler scans the area. He picks a teammate at the other side of the court and whips a pass straight to him. The receiver winds up and takes a slap shot that streaks through the air, shattering the sound barrier such that it shall never be repaired again. The ball streaks across the court, displaying apparent relativistic effects as it zips through the gaps of the defensemen. That ball has one destination - the net - and it is determined to reach it. It's got a clear path, and as its anticipation peaks it actually gains even more speed and it rockets through subspace. Then, suddenly, the hand of SPU reaches forth, seemingly straight out of the ether and stops the missile in its tracks! Fire and brimstone flare as matter and anti-matter collide in violent fashion, but the ball moves no more, snuggled tightly in the goaltender's glove. The crowd, surpassing disbelief, goes wild.



Well, the crowd was one person, and she was the girlfriend of one of the players on the other team, so she really didn't react very much, but if there was a crowd, they would have gone wild.



Why is it ugly? Because, the acrobatic reach and dive of my glorious catch, and an attacking player heading directly for the net hoping to score on any rebound meant that I got a big, sweaty ass smack in the side of the head a second later. Ew.

Proud Elitist 2,629 9
07/26/2004 03:30 PM

Clickies for reminding me of Carlton the Bear



I miss him so....

Nachos by moonlight 57,521 23
07/26/2004 04:08 PM

The packet of papers: I'd been at a house-party the night before and had ended up crashing on the sofa. At about 8:30am the doorbell rang but, being in a state only a couple of steps above comatose, I decided to ignore it. The ringing at this point starts to becomes persistent and a strangely hippyish looking guy that I vaguely remembered meeting the night before stumbles down the stairs to answer the door.



Outside the door are two policemen carrying some VERY large guns.



The hippy at the door shouts for the host and, by osmosis, alerts the rest of us to the situation. Now, I'm the only occupant of the front room which is a morass of empty bottles and, more importantly, a box containing the previous evening's 'alternative' entertainment.



The police decide they want to wait in the front room until the host emerges from his pit. No-one's going to argue with them. This is obviously a bit of a problem because, as I've already said, the only occupants of the front room are a teenager on the verge of crapping himself and a large box of illegal substances.

Nachos by moonlight 57,521 23
07/26/2004 04:08 PM

As the tree-hugging 60's reject walks into the room a split second in front of the boys in blue we both spot a rather battered packet of rolling papers laying on the table. Panic!



At this point, one of the most perfectly synchronised pieces of movement ever seen by mankind begins to occur. I mean, this stuff would have earnt us both a place in the national Frost-ing ballet. Time slows to a crawl. I see the image of the boys in blue though the door as they hold it open to enter. I'm not sure if the image is blurry becuase I'm nervous or because of the frosted glass. The hippy stoops over as he walks in, ostensibly to move a couple of bottles out of the way. This buys us a second or so, but also gives him the opportunity to get a hold on the packet of papers which he promptly flings in my general direction. My hand flickers out like a trap-door spider, catching the packet in two fingers and deftly sliding it into my shirt pocket whilst simultaneously back-heeling a potential jail sentence under the sofa...



Who'd have thought a hippy and a punk would ever work so well together?