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Yes, I achieved it this morning.
I'm a gadget guy. I have to have all the latest doo-dads. But nothing compares to my newest find, my $13 Gillette M3 "Shaving System." Oh no, my friends, this gadget is way too good to be called a "razor." It's so good, it needs two words: "Shaving System."
Gillette has always had my business, starting with the Atra, back in 1985. I grew with the company, graduating from the Atra, accelerating to the Sensor, then speeding to the SensorExcel, then breaking the sound barrier to the Mach3, moving at warp speed to the Mach3 Turbo, before finally settling on the newest shaving "orgasm," the M3 (say it with me) "Shaving System."
Yes, I did stray once in my relationship. That damn Colby from Survivor had me try the Schtick QUATTRO, because, 4 blades, I mean, what could beat that? I took it home, lathered up, and took my first stroke (SHAVING, YOU PERVERTS). Let me tell you folks something: the QUATTRO SUCKS! The only thing that it gives you is a thank you card from the blood bank! It has these "wires" over the blade to supposedly give you a smoother shave, but in reality just create channels in your face for the blood to run off easier! When I got done with this miniature lawnmower, I had more red canals in my face than Mars! I may as well have just carried my head with me under my arm for the rest of the day.
Anyway, back to my new friend, the M3. I finally brought it home a few days ago. I had to sneak it in the door, like a file inside a prison cake. My wife and I were shopping at Wal-Mart, she took one look at the price and said "no." She then proceeded to the hair color aisle (a lot cheaper, I'm sure). I went back later in the day and purchased it "on the sly" like it was a box of anal lube.
For those of you who don't know about the M3 yet: it is a new version of the Mach3 Turbo, but this time it includes a battery, which causes the razor, excuse me, "Shaving System," to gently vibrate. As the Gillette web site says, "The pulsing action stimulates hair upward and away from the skin, making it dramatically easier to shave more thoroughly in one easy power stroke." Well, I thought, if it sucked, I would at least have a nice, compact $13 vibrator.
I got in the shower today, lathered up, and hit the power switch. The gentle hum was almost as relaxing as the hot water cascading over my rock-hard shoulders (suddenly I'm in a gay porn film here). I began by shaving downward, imagining the hair being "stimulated upward" only to be destroyed by the "one easy power stroke." Paradise! I had no nicks, the M3 didn't prick, pull, or irratate me in any way! I then reapplied the cream and began to shave upward. Even better! Very easy, the vibrating blade was like a DR Sickle-bar mower through a hayfield. By the time I was finished -- the whole job took only 3 minutes -- my face was SMOOTHER than a newborn's ass. Perhaps as smooth as a newborn's ass that had been SHAVED by the M3!
Guys, I totally recommend spending the $13 for this. It's the best invention since the wheel. Gals, apparently you can use it too.
On a side note, my wife just called and told me she borrowed my new M3 to shave her "bikini area" this morning, and LOVED the vibrations it delivered ... but that's for another article in the future.
I LOVE YOU M3!!!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
46 votes
4.9
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Ditdah 123,102  14
08/18/2004 09:45 AM
I would at least have a nice, compact $13 vibrator.
Men never know how to bargain shop for the important things.
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0 votes
0.0
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
08/18/2004 09:50 AM
Scene: Gillette Boardroom
Time: 11am
Business Man #1: I say we have it spit acid that eats away at the hair!
Business Man #2: What about the guys in R+D? Have they created that hair-eating-virus yet?
Business Man #3: I got it! We install little Korean go-kart motors and jack up the price!
All: Brilliance!!!
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Hilarious
1 votes
4.0
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The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
08/18/2004 10:38 AM
Scene: Gillette Boardroom
Marketer #1: But how are we going to market a vibrating razor without looking stupid ?
Marketer #2: First of all, let's get rid of that word, "razor"... let's call it a system!
All: Brilliance!!!
Marketer #3: Oh, and let's promote it in various Internet forums. I know this comedy website where I can write a nice sales pitch. Imagine that, a free advertising campaign!
All: Double-brilliance!!!
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0 votes
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/18/2004 10:43 AM
Uh...not to offend (well, maybe I will anyway), but you took DR's funny and made it not funny.
*smack*
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0 votes
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Phil Herrup (Chris Garrett) 86,932 12
08/18/2004 11:19 AM
By the way...it shaves MY privates pretty well too.
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0 votes
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Ditdah 123,102 14
08/18/2004 11:31 AM
I tried that Veet crap and it worked pretty well.
I tried that Veet Shakespeare too. It made my legs BLEED. Spray on mousse, wait few minutes, wipe off with included spongy-thingy, proceed to mop up copious amounts of blood. FROM MOUSSE AND A SPONGE. Why does this not seem right to me? WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT CAN???(The spongy-thingy is no longer included. Now they have a 'bladeless razor.' It is a molded piece of pink plastic that looks like a Barbie razor.) I'll stick with my Lady Bic, thanks.
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0 votes
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
08/18/2004 11:45 AM
I bet John Hargrave got a free bucket of evil in exchange for running this Gillette ad.
I saw him again on the highway. His Hummer ran a busload of orphans off the road. He just laughed.
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0 votes
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/18/2004 11:51 AM
I'm sorry, but I don't want VIBRATING RAZOR BLADES anywhere near my freaking hoohah.
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0 votes
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Phil Herrup (Chris Garrett) 86,932 12
08/18/2004 12:03 PM
What exactly is happening when your "hoohah" is "freaking?"
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0 votes
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Dan, and you are? 378 8
08/18/2004 12:04 PM
I completely agree, 200%.
I tried the Quatro, junk. I did like the way it doubled as a home vasectomy kit when shaving the daddy parts.
The Gillette "Shaving System" on the other hand, is like shaving with heaven.
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0 votes
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/18/2004 12:07 PM
Oh wouldn't you like to know Mr. Herrup, wouldn't you like to know.
I'd show ya a picture but its not <worksafe>.
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0 votes
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/18/2004 12:14 PM
I got the one with the plastic Barbie "razor" and there was really no point, you can just rinse it off. The same as when it was called Neet or Nair.
Personally I didn't bleed. Of course I had a thick mat of hippie growth to protect my sensitive leg skin, which was clear-cut like a forest. On the down side it started growing back more or less the same day.
I did find it quite amusing that there were very explicit directions NOT to leave it on more than eight minutes. There was even a picture of a clock just below the spout informing you not to go over the mystical eight-minute mark.
I see a John Hargrave prank in the making...leave it on for twenty minutes and call the manufacturer in a panic!
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0 votes
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
08/18/2004 12:18 PM
"...Personally I didn't bleed."
Well then who was bleeding?
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0 votes
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The High Priestess of Awesomeness 58,869 29
08/18/2004 12:19 PM
I use Veet too. I found it works wonders when cleaning up the hooha. It dosen't work so well on the armpits.
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0 votes
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/18/2004 12:20 PM
I don't know if I'd let that stuff get near my hooha, I'm sticking strictly to the lower legs.
I did find a very amusing message board with a bunch of body-builders talking about hair removal methods, they sound like a bunch of girls.
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0 votes
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/18/2004 12:22 PM
And don't forget...
"Without juice your nothing but a mal-nutritioned human being."
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/18/2004 12:23 PM
That Veet and Nair stuff smelss bad. I don't want anything that foul smelling near my hoohah either.
I'll just keep shaving with my Venus. Its purple, it doesnt vibrate or smell and I get a nice close shave.
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SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/18/2004 12:27 PM
I have the Venus, too, which I like, though I always manage to scrape the Achilles tendon or that spot right above the ankle. I hate that!
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
08/18/2004 12:27 PM
Perhaps as smooth as a newborn's ass that had been SHAVED by the M3!
Hahahaahahahaa!
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0 votes
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Phil Herrup (Chris Garrett) 86,932 12
08/18/2004 02:41 PM
I don't want anything that foul smelling near my hoohah
Would you be able to tell the difference?
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0 votes
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Whistler P. McManus 185,953 44
08/18/2004 11:10 PM
This article should have been about how he dug up Kurt Cobain's grave and stole his hair. But no.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
08/19/2004 12:08 AM
And. But no.
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Store
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