Breaking things; cause of.
A comedy article
by Roofie Raccoon  56,688  10
08/05/2004 09:45 PM 327 views
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A Handy Guide to Breaking Stuff
by DemoMonkey
(based on the screenplay of the title of the novel suggested by Roofie Raccoon)
Oh just admit it, it's happened to you. At some time in your life you've broken something, possibly something precious, and probably something that didn't belong to you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, unlike those pictures you keep in the folder labeled "Singapore Petting Zoo". But doesn't it seem like sometimes things are just destined to break? I'm not talking about the obvious types of breakage here - dropping things, running into them, knocking them over, etc. No, I'm talking about the cruel and capricious ways the universe virtually guarantees things will get spectacularly destroyed no matter how careful or well intentioned we may be.
Sad? Sometimes. Infuriating? Usually. Funny? As long as it happens to someone else, you bet! And that's why, for your enjoyment and edification, culled from reality and fiction both past and present we present - The Handy Guide to Breaking Stuff. Use its power only for good, never for evil.
You can guarantee something will break if you . . .
Do anything with it that will later require X-rays of your ass.
Tell it you love it. Never goddamn fails.
Throw it into the fires in which it was forged, deep in the bowels of Mount Doom.
Put it near puppies.
Speak the magic words "This thing is great! It ALWAYS works."
Allow plucky farm boys in space fighters anywhere near it.
Try to carry it while wearing three-inch heels.
Lend it to your best friend.
Lend it to your worst enemy.
Lend it to anyone.
Remake it with Ashton Kutcher in the lead role.
Remake it with Ashton Kutcher in any role.
Put a fresh coat of polish on it.
Allow a male child under the age of 60 to come anywhere near it.
Sell it on e-bay for an amazingly good price.
Buy it on e-bay for an amazingly good price.
Remove the tag that says "DO NOT REMOVE". (That's there for as reason you know.)
Make the last payment.
State that it is more beautiful than Hera, Athena, Aphrodite, or that smoking hot chick at the Poe-Poe Club.
Mail it somewhere in a package marked "Fragile". (The posties just take that as a challenge.)
Take the vanilla out of it. (Remember "New Coke"? Yeah.)
Find the perfect serving tray/shoes/purse/rims to go with it. (Remember, proper accessories = explosive disassembly.)
GIVE IT MORE POWER!
Allow William Shatner, John Lithgow, or Bart Simpson to look out the vehicle window at it.
Attempt to pry the lid off a can of paint with it.
Throw it at Superman; breakage is guaranteed. On the bright side however, it may make him flinch (unlike bullets), giving you a brief chance to escape.
Allow Jeff Goldblum to stare at it. He's just creepy, especially in that "watching you poop" picture...
Lose the receipt.
Give it to that Potter boy.
Involve it in any activity that uses the phrase "Hey dude, watch this!"
Have expensive upgrades done to it.
Lose the receipt.
Have sex on it/against it/with it. (Ewww.)
Don't buy the warranty.
Buy the warranty, but don't read the fine print. ("What do you mean the warranty doesn't cover damage from dwarf sodomy?")
Dwarf sodomy.
Use it as the focus for your incredible cosmic power. After all, those foolish heroes cannot possibly penetrate your Zytron Forcefield. ("Wait! What's that sound? IMPOSSIBLE!")
Put it in the dishwasher. Safe my ass.
Tell George there's oil under it.
Take it out of its vacuum-sealed, mint condition stamp-of-authenticity packaging and touch it with your disgusting oily fingers, fanboy. THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!
Put just one more finishing touch on it. (Trust me. A million friggin' pieces.)
Try to get it back out of the @##^&*(@)% bottle again because the futtock plates under the mains'l topgallant are on backwards.
Install Windows on it.
Tubgirl it.
Mix it with Tequila.
Mix yourself with Tequila near it.
Have anything to do with Tequila.
Tequila.
Ignore The Man in the Yellow Hat's request to put it down.
Let Stephen Spielberg replace the guns with walkie-talkies.
- and last but not least, the number one way to break something...
. . . give it to Zugmaster Hargrave for editing!
(So if this isn't article wasn't funny? Y'all know whom to blame.)
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
62 votes
4.9
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6 Comments on "Breaking things; cause of."
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0 votes
0.0
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
08/18/2004 09:42 AM
I made sure to publish this article exactly as submitted, with no editing, punctuation correction, or spellchecking.
Enjoy!
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0 votes
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Chickens in the Summer of Self-Destruction 286,477 61
08/18/2004 10:11 AM
Allow plucky farm boys in space fighters anywhere near it.
You're going to have to esplain that one for me.
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0 votes
0.0
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Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
08/18/2004 11:24 AM
Dammit Hargrave, you just made me lose a bet! I said you'd post it under the actual author. Demo Monkey said you'd post it under the submitters name.
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0 votes
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BobJohnson, President of Tralfamadore 178,045 22
08/18/2004 12:34 PM
Allow plucky farm boys in space fighters anywhere near it.
You're going to have to esplain that one for me.
Not a Star Wars fan, eh, Chickens? . . . Only if Bush or Reagan is pimping it?
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0 votes
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El Hammerheado 59,399 14
08/18/2004 01:09 PM
I guess you have to lose the reciept twice to make it effective.
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0 votes
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GoBanana 590 10
08/19/2004 02:49 AM
It was funny, but not HAHAHAHAHA!!! funny
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