Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/06/2004 04:24 PM

Chickens went to Walmart?

(Chris Garrett) Jacques Strap 86,932 12
08/06/2004 04:25 PM

SHP....so much to say after that gem, but I will boil it down to just three short sentences:



You are my new hero. I love you. Will you marry me?

(Chris Garrett) Jacques Strap 86,932 12
08/06/2004 04:27 PM

By the way, NEXT time you're in the Wal-Mart in MY town, and you DON'T call me to hook up, I'm gonna be pissed.

Freshly Microwaved FDIC 816 9
08/06/2004 04:28 PM

<cries>



SHP, that was beautiful.

Errol lost teh funny 10,584 9
08/06/2004 04:29 PM

and you think that little Cletus has ADD



Maybe it's the ADD talking when he tries to get child labor re-instituted and tries to get you to kill the prime minister of malaysia

SpiceyToppedJane 173,958 15
08/06/2004 04:40 PM

My kids don't drive me to drink. Other people's kids do.

Errol lost teh funny 10,584 9
08/06/2004 04:40 PM

because you keep bathing him in Dr. Pepper for breakfast after he wakes up on his pillows of grocery store glazed donuts.



On another note, I think I've discovered a new morning routine.

Chance 171,270 14
08/06/2004 04:52 PM

Oh girl you trying to step? You don't know me. *yells* Cletus, Marcus, Shawanda, Clairol, Twanka, Boshanka, and Mary GET OVER HERE!

This bitch think yous got no manners. Sho hur what we uns do to white big mouf bitches.

Frogpop 173,153 25
08/06/2004 05:15 PM

Racist much? SHP never said they were darkies..

SHP - Terminatrix, now with Laser Beam Eyeballs! 181,718 70
08/06/2004 05:19 PM

More than have of the little inspirations for this thread were white.



Or at least they should be white, underneath the six layers of dirt.

SHP - Terminatrix, now with Laser Beam Eyeballs! 181,718 70
08/06/2004 05:20 PM

Half.

More than half....

God. Their stupidity is rubbing off on me!

Fratberry 282,842 53
08/06/2004 05:42 PM

It involved a belt, my ass, and my mom's arm swinging.



So. Turned. On.

salvage semi-lurks 28,986 12
08/06/2004 06:02 PM

In the sci-fi novel "Logan's Run" the world described is so advanced that all children are shipped off to an island where they are taught how to behave in civilization.



I dream of that world, no more parents. Think about it, every Emerson you've ever met had one thing in common; parents.



It's time we let the machines teach the children and keep them out of the Frost-ing malls with their damn rock and roll and their damn sideways pants.

The High Priestess of Stewie 58,869 29
08/06/2004 06:16 PM

SHP. I love you. I hate Wal-Mart too.

SHP 181,718 70
08/10/2004 11:16 AM

I went to the grocery store after work yesterday. As I was walking in, a lady with 4 kids was walking to her car. Her smallest child, about 4, saw the car ahead and bolted. She smiled and let him run ahead about 10 cars.



Just before I reached the door, I heard a squeal of tires, a scream from a child, and turned to see that he had been narrowly missed by an SUV. That same mother who had no problem letting her kid run amok in the parking lot was now beating him and screaming at him for almost getting hit.



It took every bit of self control I had not to march over there and demonstrate how it was HER fault to begin with.



But she was of another culture, and I was afraid she'd put a hex on me.

TEDphat 6,408 9
08/10/2004 11:21 AM

SHP, I couldn't agree with you more. Except for the whole running in the parking lot thing. I believe that is Darwinism at work.

TEDphat 6,408 9
08/10/2004 11:23 AM

And, because Darwin sometimes seems to need a little help along the way, I often go to Wal-Mart and speed around the parking lot as fast as possible. After hitting a few inbred retards, the employees usually get mad, but they understand once I tell them that I'm just pretending I'm in NASCAR.

cynful 215 9
08/10/2004 11:34 AM

I often feel an inkling of homicidal rage around the children I run into in public...I can never decide whether I'd rather kill the screaming brats or the terrible parent who's responsible for them.



Once I paid for the privilage to eat at a restaurant while the child in the booth behind us belted out eardrum-piercing shrieks for over an hour. If I had done that as a child...well, never mind, it wouldn't have happened because my parents would have dragged my ass out of the restaurant after the first minute or so and given me a reason to scream.

SHP 181,718 70
08/10/2004 11:35 AM

The problem is that a child of 3 or 4 isn't going to KNOW that it's wrong to play in traffic.



It's the parents responsibility to tell them not to, and to beat scoldbeat them if they try.



Ten year olds who run in traffic? Darwin needs help there.

Mike...Dead or Alive 3,390 10
08/10/2004 11:38 AM

SHP never said they were darkies.



Neither did Chance.

SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/10/2004 11:38 AM

SHP, I'd like you to come to Maine and tattoo that diatribe on the flabby bellies of every white trash tube top wearing mom at the local Walfart.

20 Gimpy Chickens 286,477 61
08/10/2004 11:49 AM

<action> adds Oliver's name to super secret list.





Actually, we've had so many complements on our own kids behavior in public ("How wonderful to see well mannered children in this day and age!") that we've learned to weather the quick judgemental stares we get from folks in stores who assume the foster kid freaking out on the floor is due to our bad parenting.



Although Hen has threated to get tee shirts that say "foster child, keep hands and feet away from the bars" and for her, "We foster. These aren't mine. It's not my fault."

cynful 215 9
08/10/2004 11:51 AM

On another occaision I was in a grocery store when two kids went running past me down the aisle squealing at the top of their lungs. I was staring after them in disbelief, wondering if I'd get into trouble for hurling a can of green beans in their general direction, when I heard the voice of a ghetto-ass black chick from behind me say something like, "Don't you look at my kids like they're crazy! I'll kick your ass right here, bitch!"



This confused me because the kids were white...so I turned around to behold a skinny, filthy, hillbilly reject who was, after all, white (despite the corn rows in her hair).



It took a while for me to overcome the shock at being challenged to a fight in a grocery store to formulate a response...she had the looks of a haggard, rundown farm wife (you know, she could be in her fifties, or it could just be that the strain of pumping out 17 kids while chain-smoking marlboros in a 2 bedroom trailer has prematurely aged her a tad bit).



The obvious response, that she should damn well expect people to stare at her kids as if they were nuts if they were going to go around acting like it, somehow didn't seem like such a good idea. I figured I could probably take her on, unless she pulled a knife or something, but the thought of being arrested for fighting on the canned vegetable aisle of HEB was a bit too "Jerry Springer" for me.

SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/10/2004 11:51 AM

I wrap my kid in duct tape, keeps him quiet and still.

20 Gimpy Chickens 286,477 61
08/10/2004 11:52 AM

They have seriously considered putting together a brochure to hand to those who make casual comments or who pause to ask you why you are being so severe with a child (in front of the child) or who offer a kid on a soup of chemicals a piece of candy so they can learn what's going on without us having to hold a kid down for 10 minutes while we appease the passerby's sense of righteousness.



Nothing against what SHP is saying. I applaud it 100% and want to roger her well for it. But when we see this kind of thing, the first thing we do is wonder if this is birth mom, in which case she needs to be slapped, or of she is a foster, in which case she needs a hug.

Gopher 570 10
08/10/2004 12:00 PM

The problem is that a child of 3 or 4 isn't going to KNOW that it's wrong to play in traffic



My 3 year old knows exactly what she can and cannot do. However this is the age where they want to become more independent and test the patience of the big people. She knows the boundaries and that IS the parent's job to let a kid know.



Shakespeare, she can even work the VCR and digital camera, gets her own drinks if she wants it (she makes a mean kool-aid), can get dressed and do her own shoes.

Damn bitch even deleted my desktop icons.



My question is how fast was that SUV going that it needed squealing tires to come to a halt.



Parents are afraid to say or do anything because they believe they'd be labeled a bad, abusive parent. Frost that, my kid screams in the aisle. I'll pick her up, hang her upside down, take her outside and dunk her head in the snow. People give me looks but that brat sure is nice after that.



Then again, she calls me a big idiot and one day said I looked like Ricky Martin, the other like elmo so go figure.

Nachos is chock full of Squirrely Wrath 57,521 23
08/10/2004 12:02 PM

My kids don't drive me to drink. Other people's kids do.



Because letting your own kids drive is just damn irresponsible....

Trae: Uvula Girl 156,785 17
08/10/2004 12:21 PM

I feel your pain on this SHP. I'm one of the Mothers people hate because I actually say something to a parent with a screaming kid in a theater.



I actually tell other people's kids to put the fish hooks down and drink some Drano. If the parent looks at me funny (if they are actually around) then I tell them that I didn't see them and figured I'd say something and ask questions later.

SHP 181,718 70
08/10/2004 12:23 PM

or of she is a foster, in which case she needs a hug.



But hugs have to be earned!

Aimless 54,807 10
08/10/2004 12:25 PM

I totally disagree that hugs should be earned. No child should feel as though they need to "earn" love. Respect and trust need to be "earned". Affection should not.

Trae: Uvula Girl 156,785 17
08/10/2004 12:26 PM

AMEN SISTER AIMLESS!

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/10/2004 12:28 PM

My kids are trained right.





Muzzles and leashes.

SHP 181,718 70
08/10/2004 12:30 PM

Gopher, I have 2 kids, age 3 & 8. They both know what they can and can't get away with. But it's because I told them once or twice, and like you, I enforce the rules. Unlike some parents who expect kids to figure it out on their own. ("Let him get hit by a car once or twice! Then he'll learn!")



I get lots of compliments from other parents about my children's great manners, and outstanding behavior, but it's because I take the initiave to teach them how.



When my son was 4, he threw a rock at a kids head and split it open.

I took him home and took him out back. "You think throwing rocks is fun? Take this five gallon bucket of rocks and throw them at the fence, one by one." The first five rocks were cool, but toward the end, it was sucking ass in a big way. He has yet to throw anything else at anyone.

SHP 181,718 70
08/10/2004 12:32 PM

Aimless, Trae -



I was teasing Chickens for something he said in his MISS EMMA thread about the little killer girl having to earn hugs.



I believe hugs and love and such should be doled out in excess. I want my son wiping my slobbery kisses off his face in front of his friends at every opportunity.

Lola 190 9
08/10/2004 01:14 PM

All of this talk sooooo makes me want to have kids.....

Phil Herrup (Chris Garrett) 86,932 12
08/10/2004 01:20 PM

Welcome to GAB Lola! Here's your first clickie.





Now SUYT

SheCabbage 5,200 13
08/10/2004 02:54 PM

I like that bucket of rocks idea.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/10/2004 03:01 PM

I dole out hugs and kisses in public to my kids when they behave.



When they misbehave.....I wedgie them. Nothing will kill a 11 year old boys self esteem quicker then being wedgied by his mom in front of all his friends.



hence the name...............

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/10/2004 03:02 PM

WWW ... I'm glad you're not my mom, but that's still pretty Frost-ing awesome.

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/10/2004 03:05 PM

adds Oliver's name to super secret list.



I am both scared, and excited.

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/10/2004 03:06 PM

I am both scared, and excited.



Hey, stop stealing my schtick!



Also, you shouldn't have a comma there.

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/10/2004 03:07 PM

<action> flips Dyran the bird

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/10/2004 03:08 PM

Two close friends of mine married last September. I gave the typical card with a check in it and all that. But I wanted to do something special for my frned Emilio. He is 6'5 and built like a football player.



All night I tried to think of what I could do to make his wedding night more memrobale. And since I like his wife, Frost-ing him wasnt the answer.



Instead, I wedgied him so bad I ripped the emtire waistband of his underwear.



hehe That was a great wedding

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/10/2004 03:09 PM

You want to play badminton, Oliver?



... Wait, that's a birdie.

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/10/2004 03:09 PM

<action> and hands Dyran his schtick back...



You may want to waShakespeare.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/10/2004 03:10 PM

<action>adds Oliver to the secret list.</action>

Lord Dyran 6,040 9
08/10/2004 03:12 PM

<action>boils his hands.</action>

You know what, Oliver? You can keep it.

20 Gimpy Chickens 286,477 61
08/10/2004 03:35 PM

Instead, I wedgied him so bad I ripped the emtire waistband of his underwear.



hehe That was a great wedding



You don't get invited over very often, do you?

cynful 215 9
08/10/2004 04:36 PM

They say that money can't buy happiness, but I'm pretty sure that for the right amount of cash I can find somebody who will kill my neighbor's kids...or at least take them off to a sweat shop somewhere.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/10/2004 04:37 PM

The irony of that Chickens, is that when I called and checked my voicemail a little while ago he called inviting us over this weekend.



WEDGIE PARTY

Pubah 56,805 18
08/10/2004 04:39 PM

Unfortunately, the Panda is very observent...



...throwing fishhooks at one another...



...Tomorrows leaders. How soon will it be before our President is strung out on Ritilin?

Frogpop 173,153 25
08/10/2004 05:52 PM

Neither did Chance.



"Sho hur what we uns do to white big mouf bitches" implies that the character Chance was playing was other than white. I said that 4 days ago, why the worry now?

Swizz Bitchface 3,957 10
08/10/2004 10:01 PM

I, like Trae, am one of those mothers who isn't afraid to correct the behavior of other people's kids. I am the terror of the playground.



The only comments I ever get when out in public with the kid are along the lines of "She's so polite" or "What a relief to wait on a kid with some manners". (they never seem to notice the choke chain)



This Shakespeare isn't rocket science, there is no excuse for bad or just plain inattentive parenting. I have become much more intolerant of other people's kids bad behavior since I became a parent.



Give a lotta love, give 'em rules, and chances are, the kid won't be a terror, and may even be pleasant on occasion.

ringworm 68,315 13
08/11/2004 02:26 AM

and if all else fails, pop them in the eye.

Daggy 86,705 14
08/11/2004 03:29 AM

I am TOTALLY gonna get pregnant just so I can call my kid Clairol!!



That was awesome!

Pubah 56,805 18
08/13/2004 06:26 PM

Canni be da Pappy, Daggs my sweet?

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
08/06/2005 08:31 PM

The family with roughly a dozen kids who all blocked my exit at WalMart the other day made me think of this thread.

Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
08/06/2005 11:24 PM

Complaining about irresponsible brats and welfare moms at Walmart is like visiting a Gabfest and bitching about the nerds.



What the Frost are you expecting? You're on their turf.

Declan ('Aaron Altman') McManus. 131,874 36
08/07/2005 12:52 AM

A commonplace saying amongst

the homos is:





"Any fool can breed, most do."

OneEyedTrouserTrout 6,046 8
08/07/2005 01:54 AM

I'm beggining to think "Attention K-Mart Shoppers" is a breaing call

I am Straw 97,959 37
08/07/2005 02:29 AM

I, like Trae, am one of those mothers who isn't afraid to correct the behavior of other people's kids. I am the terror of the playground.



I do it too, and so far none of the parents have stomped over to protest.



The strangest time wasn't actually a correction, but I did give the kid an order. I was at McDonalds and watching my daughter in the play area. This little boy of about 6 was in there clutching his crotch and doing the pee pee dance. Parent was nowhere in sight. I told the kid he needed to go see his mom or dad *right now* so they could take him to the bathroom. Last thing I wanted to see was some kid pissing his pants.

Chit Eating Grin 178,762 15
08/07/2005 02:48 AM

Just cause he was dancing around holding his crotch doesn't mean he has to pee...





Haven't you ever seen any rap music videos ?

I am Straw 97,959 37
08/07/2005 03:09 AM

Well, he wasn't saying "Jam on!" So I assumed it was the pee pee dance.

Lovely Little Luscious Irish Lady Lila 78,550 13
08/07/2005 03:27 PM

because you keep bathing him in Dr. Pepper for breakfast



I saw at least one salvage post - did he point out there is no period after the Dr in Dr Pepper?

Cause, y'know, I would never do that.

SHP, *filled* with Christmas *spirit* wink nudge 181,718 70
12/18/2007 05:47 AM

I thought maybe you all could see what a REAL open letter was about.

Cinderblock 27,578 25
12/18/2007 09:19 AM

Everyone wishes they could go and tell the parents to stop hitting their kids for something that's not their fault... Well, I know someone who actually did. My friend's mother, who is about 4'9", saw a guy take a belt off of the rack and start whipping his son. My friend's mom grabbed another belt and started whipping the father, yelling, "How do you like it???"

My hero.

dinesh 24,862 16
12/18/2007 09:31 AM

<action>is whipping himself right now</action>

Yeah, baby, yeah!

Kwanzaa Chi Chi 161,353 14
12/18/2007 08:09 PM

Sometimes kids need a good whipping. Not mine, though, he is amazing.

5150 cm of snow 1,692 7
12/19/2007 04:52 AM

My mother does home daycare for 4 kids, two sets of siblings.

The one pair (Let's call them the Brats) Are the most angelic, polite, wonderful children you've ever met... until their parents come to get them. Like a light switch, the little girl, aged 5, dumps her school bag on her mom and runs about our front lawn stomping on my mother's garden, or if it's winter, throws snowballs at her brother or her mom. The older of the two, 9, interrupts the adults conversation like there's no tomorrow, pulls on his mother's coat, and beats the hell out of his younger sister. No control whatsoever. I hate those kids. But i hate the parents more. No balls whatsoever, no effort, just give them what will shut them up.

The second pair (Tards) are undiagnosed psych ward recipients.
As a daycare provider of 20 years, my mother likes to call herself a professional with children, especially under 12. She has diagnosed a social disorder in the older Tard who is 9 and cannot form a correct sentence or remember something that occured more than about 2 hours ago. Her parents, ignoring all advice from teachers and signs given to them by their OBVIOUSLY IN NEED OF TREATMENT daughter, attribute it to a physical hearing loss. After having her adnoids removed and ears drianed, the problem has not got any better. Unobservant dicks.
Their 2nd Tard, 6, has similar issues. But they seem to be very hard to peg. She just (i)stares(/i) at you when you tell or ask her something. Like a moron. Sometimes she responds with something inane:
Me: "(Tard), how was school?"
Tard: "My boots are red."

Sometimes,
Me: "(Tard), how was school?"
Tard: blank stare, like she knows you asked her something, but in Croatian. No understanding.

Help?

5150 cm of snow 1,692 7
12/19/2007 04:54 AM

BAD HTML!