Stupid Kid Tricks
A comedy article
by Gabe  9,232  13
08/12/2004 01:23 AM 556 views
|
|
(Click to see full-size cover.)
|
I'm quickly approching fatherhood. Currently we're at T-minus 2.5 weeks, give or take a day. But of course anything could happen at any moment. If my wife were a bomb in a movie she'd be at 00:00:03, that crucial moment when MacGyver manages to do something miraculous with a bottle of bleach and an arc welder.
We already have a nursery ready, which is significantly bigger than our bedroom and with way more crap in it. The kid isn't even born yet and he's already a materialistic pig. I was shelving a couple of books that came in the latest package of baby swag, when I spied a book that my wife had put away with all the other kid stuff. I thought it funny, since despite it being a kid book, I didn't buy it for my kid to read. I bought it because I had it when I was a kid and thought it might be a good visual aid if I wanted to tell someone this story.
This was one of a whole series of books published back when I was a wee lad, around the early 80's. The one I bought was all about safety. Don't use a big knife when a little knife will do, don't drink that stuff underneath the sink even though it looks really good, stay away from power tools. All good advice.
(Click to see full-size picture.)
|
At right, you'll see the one picture that was burned into my mind. I'm proud to say that even though nearly twenty-five years had passed, when I discovered it in the used book store, the picture I saw was almost exactly the one I'd envisioned while occasionally relating this little anecdote to friends. The story was usually told after lots of drinking, when the topic turned to stupid things we'd done in the past.
Now I'm pretty sure that even in first grade I was pretty savvy. I was in the special class for kids that were getting bored because the standard classes they were in were a little too slow. I'd like to think that I would have been smart enough to know you shouldn't stick Shakespeare in electical outlets even if you weren't reading a book that told you it was stupid.
Needless to say, within a minute of flipping to this page I was wandering around the house looking for a paper clip. Apparently I was smart enough not to ask my mom for one, as that would have surely blown it.
"What do you need a paperclip for, dear?"
"Uhh ... a science experiment?"
I found one, bent it into a "U" just like my instructional picture, and then stuck it into a socket in my bedroom.
Looking back, I'm lucky the picture didn't show a kid with a clip in each hand, one stuck in each side of the outlet. 120 volts arcing across my chest probably would have done a little more damage. And if there'd been a kid using a hair dryer in the bathtub I'd definitely be dead 'cause I don't think we had GFI outlets back then.
I don't even think I felt anything. If I did, I forgot that part. I do remember a really loud pop, and there was a black char mark underneath the outlet. If I crapped my pants I forgot that part too. Apparently the circuit breakers in my house worked as designed.
I really wish I could remember what I was thinking about before I went looking for that paperclip. Probably something really profound.
So I ended up taking the book off the shelf and putting it back in my office where it belongs. Until the lad gets a little older. Six, maybe.
Then I'll leave it in his room.
Along with a few paper clips.
|
|
|
Like This? Rate It!
|
|
Side-splitting
57 votes
5.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1012090
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
22 Comments on "Stupid Kid Tricks"
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017038
John Hargrave 128,751  73
08/18/2004 06:07 PM
That's awesome. That picture of the kid is just so weird. I found myself mysteriously drawn to it, and have now made it my desktop wallpaper.
I guess it's hard to illustrate a child being electrocuted in a way that children will understand.
That's why I endorse mandatory electrocution for every child. Just enough to give them a taste of the juice.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017044
El Hammerheado 59,399 14
08/18/2004 06:11 PM
That kid looks like he's having an electro-shock induced orgasm.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017048
Errol, somewhere in middle america 10,584 9
08/18/2004 06:14 PM
When I was in 7th grade for about a week my friends and I would take apart the disposable cameras with flashes, charge the flash up and shock ourselves.
We were dumbasses.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017049
Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
08/18/2004 06:14 PM
Is it just me, or do the plastic "child proof" outlet caps make the outlets seem even more appealing?
Welcome back, Gabe. I used to be Miyu.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017070
WhyMe 276 10
08/18/2004 06:26 PM
Maybe my daughter should be in the slow class. She has done this not once, but TWICE. The first time she Shakespeare her pants, and the second time she also put a char mark on the wall.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017108
Gorilla Lord 158 9
08/18/2004 06:51 PM
Wow. If you go and stick paper clips in funny places after seeing examples in a book, I'd hate to find out where you'd stick things if you looked at gay porn.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017113
Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/18/2004 06:53 PM
My youngest used to lick 9 volt batteries.
He also used to pinch his big brother because "you can't hear a pinch."
He's in that special class Gabe was in.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017119
SHP, the unloved 181,718 70
08/18/2004 06:55 PM
The thought bubble above my head says:
You can't hear a wedgie.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017181
Miracles 22,430 0
08/18/2004 11:50 PM
Nice work, Gabe.
The kid looks like my ex when he would dance - white man overbite.
Gives new meaning to the Electric Slide!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017182
el guapo 648 9
08/18/2004 11:55 PM
I used to Shakespeare my pants without sticking paper clips in sockets.
Dont feel bad, though, I was a talented youngster.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017219
Frogpop 173,153 25
08/19/2004 01:03 AM
Ready Set GROW!
Dude, I had the whole damned set when I was growing up. They were afrotastic. I think I tossed them 2 moves ago.
Dag. Nabbit.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017278
hollywoodlindy 0 8
08/19/2004 02:44 AM
When I was about five I used to "clean the outlets" with paperclips. I was damn lucky, though, since I never got shocked. My mom was probably the one who Shakespeare in her pants when she found me doing it one day.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017475
Jesqueal 8 8
08/19/2004 07:54 AM
This reminds me of a time in science class when i was about 13...i was idly fiddling around with a paper clip, a metal pen lid and part of my pencil case zip when i noticed the plug socket next to me...
needless to say, it wasn't long before i realised that i could get a metal bit in all three holes (i'm talking uk sockets here). the grand finale was when i switched the thing on, causing a shower of sparks...
the entire class, me included, turned to look at me and sat in complete silence for about an hour until the teacher wisely kicked me out of the classroom. i had shut down the power to all of the labs, and was a school hero for 5 minutes. What a day!
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017477
Lord Dyran (just married) 6,040 9
08/19/2004 07:55 AM
Personally, I actually kind of enjoy a little jolt of electricity now and then.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1017496
Livewire 78,229 13
08/19/2004 09:15 AM
Most of the stuff on the book cover is pretty common sense. Lightning, electricity, fire. Toxic waste and bug spray you learn about with Mr. Yuk stickers. However you don't learn about the dangers of black kids until much later in life.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1018163
Venovel 0 8
08/19/2004 07:25 PM
The things we all do as children. We used to have a light socket above our stove when I was 8. I used to lick my finger and stick it in the socket to freak out the babysitters. Funny thing, we never had the same one twice.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1018287
Briham thinks Swearbot is a relative of Bender 38,843 10
08/19/2004 10:32 PM
One time I was tinkering with a motor from a handheld fan (I had to build an electric car for Science class) and I got very curious as to what would happen if I stuck the wires connected to the motor into the a wall socket. There was a large crack, a puff of smoke, and the circuit went out in the entire upstairs. I was unharmed, but the motor was ruined. I would like to say this happened when I was a little kid, but I actually did this two years ago as a sophomore in high school.
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1019990
Gabe 9,232 13
08/21/2004 09:37 PM
00:00:03
00:00:02
00:00:01
Boom!
I'm not letting him near any sockets.
|
| |
|
|
|
0 votes
0.0
/live?func=new_user&msgid=1020024
The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
08/21/2004 10:30 PM
He looks just like you.
|
|
|
|
Store
