Aimlessly Dating
A comedy article
by Aimless  54,807  10
08/16/2004 05:57 PM 278 views
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So now that I am back in circulation as a single gal, I have come to the realization that I have no clue how to date. I'm 25 and I was with my ex from the time I was 17. My dating to this point consisted to of going to the basement to make out and hide from my parents. I hear that as an adult you have to...*gulp*... have intelligent conversations over wine or some crap. Don't get me wrong. I like a good wine as much as the next gal. Hell, I have 3 bottles of Arbor Mist Raspberry Merlot chilling in my fridge at this very moment but I'm more of a "this bottle of wine is mine, you drink whatever" kind of girl.
Did I mention that wine makes me really horny? I'm not sure how that fits into the equation, but I feel I should bring it up.
Last time I drank with a member of the opposite sex (who wasn't the man I married) it was a 40 of Bud in the back of a Geo tracker in a cornfield. I was underage, he had green hair and piercings and we had uncomfortable drunken sex followed by a phone call from his parents yelling at him for being out past his curfew. When it comes to dating, I'm a little out of the loop.
I might be putting the cart before the horse though, as the only dates I have been asked out on come from three bachelors that I wouldn't date if I had a raging case of herpes and the only cure included being seen in public with one of them.
Let me introduce you to Bachelor #1....
Randy.
Randy is a 60+ bachelor who takes care of his ailing sister and her TWENTY ADOPTED CHILDREN. Randy used to own a couple of car dealerships but now sells cars as kind of a hobby and trades diamonds. His approach to asking me out was to show me a 2.5 carot diamond ring while asking me to the local wine bar. Randy is about 4'-6" tall and weighs about 90 lbs. He has, in the past, asked out my grandmother while grabbing her ass (her answer included a punch to the gut) and my mother (whose answer was less violent, but included the words "when hell freezes over") and now myself. I can only hope that he dies before I have a daughter. I returned the diamond reluctantly, I am human after all., and turned him down the nicest way I could. I said "no". I'm not going lie and say the words "Anna Nichole" didn't cross my mind at least once. I have to give the man credit for persistence though as he has continued to call every week to ask me to drinks, shown me several more pieces of his jewelry collection and offered me a new car.
Bachelor #2....
Bruce.
I meet Bruce because he was going to open a sort of multi-media center and wanted me to be the designer on the project. The best/nicest word to describe Bruce is "troll". He is a slimy little man that moved to Iowa from Florida because he said "Iowa women like me better". I think that our bars must be darker than Florida's. Bruce was half deaf, talked with that voice that only the mostly deaf have, is over weight, short, blind in one eye and in his late 40's. He was like a stray dog that was too ugly to pity. He was convinced that as soon as his business took off and he had money that I would want him...bad. He asked me to lunch (again, "Anna Nichole came to mind) but I politely declined with "No." He has since moved back to Florida when his business dealing fell through. It's too bad too; because as soon as that business took off I was going to ask him out.
And now, Bachelor #3...
Creepy Guy across the street.
Part of my job is taking a look at things a customer is having problems with. One day I got a call that fabric on some chairs purchased from my place of business were turning black and I needed to take a look. So I ran over, determined the problem and left. About an hour later a tall skinny guy with beady eyes and a hair lip comes over and slithers up to my desk.
Creepy Guy: "Heh, you caused quite a commotion over there today. I think you should warn me if you stop by again so I can get a camera to take pictures of you to black mail the other guys with to their wives." (Word for word, I swear to Gab)
Me: *Blink*
*Blink*
Creepy Guy: "So you want to go out sometime?
Me: "No."
He stops by the showroom from time to time but never comes in. He just stands at the door and stares at me when he thinks I'm not looking. It might be a "come hither" stare but I refuse to look up to verify.
So maybe I don't need to be worrying about the dating world after all? I mean, thus far it's consisted to just flat out turning guys down and I seem to have that down pretty well. But, if I do ever actually go out with someone I thank my lucky stars that my new place has a couch, a basement, and pleanty of wine.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
47 votes
5.0
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22 Comments on "Aimlessly Dating"
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0 votes
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311  35
09/07/2004 05:26 PM
Hi, my name is Jim. I'm 34 and happily married with a kid. Wanna go out some time?
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Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
09/07/2004 05:27 PM
I promise the pictures would be "tasteful".
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VictoriaSwallows 347 9
09/07/2004 05:28 PM
You forgot the standard Latino guy at the thrift store. Speaks little English, says he loves you up on seeing you. Every girl's got some of them stashed away in her closet if she needs a quick bang.
The sad part is he lives in a closet, so you'll never get that bang.
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CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/07/2004 05:28 PM
I'm 34 and happily married with a kid.
With a kid or to a kid, Jim?
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CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/07/2004 05:29 PM
P.S. I know you are not really named Jim...
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Flaming (not-in-the-gay-way) Sombrero 91,274 10
09/07/2004 05:31 PM
I'll date you. I've seen your ass and i must say, im a fan of the booty shorts.
You go greek, right?
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
09/07/2004 05:32 PM
My name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.
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Bankey 70,843 10
09/07/2004 05:37 PM
I told you, you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little?
</ZapBrannigan>
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Bankey 70,843 10
09/07/2004 05:38 PM
IF GODDAMNIT IF!!!!
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CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/07/2004 05:38 PM
First ya gotta buy me a drink...
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Sugartastic Panda Slim 181,718 70
09/07/2004 06:03 PM
Two words:
Vi brator.
That is all.
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Professor Nutbutter 181,311 35
09/07/2004 06:07 PM
Vibrators don't run up your credit cards and smack you around, which is what 99% of women are looking for in a man, if my research is correct.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
09/07/2004 06:49 PM
I would have gone for Bachelor #1 (if I were a single, young, gold digging woman like yourself.)
in fact...
Is he still available?
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The High Priestess 58,869 29
09/07/2004 08:39 PM
Arbor Mist Raspberry Merlot
I just threw up. If you think that is good wine, I'm gonna have to beat you ugly. It will take a while, but I've been eating my Wheaties.
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Mr. Mookie 17,582 13
09/07/2004 10:12 PM
This will only get worse as you get older. Time is on man's side. The older we get the less of us are available and only those that should not reproduce remain. With a 2 to 1 ratio of women to men ratio in the world to start with, things look dire for you indeed.
So return my phonecalls or get some cats.
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Chili disappears into the ethereal mists 8,880 12
09/07/2004 10:23 PM
I thought that there must be some reason for that gale force wind heading north from Atlanta. He left cars turned over in his wake, you know.
Damn it, virtually none of you will know what I am talking about.
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Pat The Great 948 9
09/07/2004 10:33 PM
(again, "Anna Nichole came to mind)
You didn't close your quotes.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
10/19/2004 03:10 AM
Your quotes would look great crumpled up in a pile on my bedroom floor in the morning.
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WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
10/19/2004 07:31 AM
Aims, I ran into the same problem when I left my ex-husband. I s 15 when we met and 25 when I left, but I also had two kids in tow.
I was asked out by every freak imaginable. Once I got my confidence back, however, after turning down every one of those freaks, the quality improved.
Its still improving, even.
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Queen Buttercup Chance 171,270 14
08/25/2005 01:03 PM
So I wonder whos sperm was the fastest. Randy, Bruce, or Creepy neighbor guy.
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Suzy Gardner's Dad 2,724 8
08/25/2005 01:53 PM
That was just rofl. That's a 3-minute routine, landlubber.
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