Recently I was thinking about how much utter fat I am eating that will clog my arteries before the age of 23. (Clogged arteries are not a man's best friend. Neither are pork rinds, although zebras are. Oh, those kind zebras, watching over you with their one eye of peace and destiny. Never resting, never blinking.) So I have realized why I am such a skinny fatass.
First of all, I can't cook. Therefore, anything that involves less than 6 minutes of work and/or wait, I will eat. I will gladly consume all those things they say aren't good for you when you learn about the Food Pyramid in Kindergarten. For example, I LOVE RAMEN. This is bad. Ramen Noodles are like ... the apple of Eden. I have no say in this, however, because I'm Jewish.
Secondly, as healthy and as little that I may eat at work or in person, I'm just trying to be polite because when I'm not, I get hit. Repeatedly. Just like in the video games except without the dancing. When I'm at home sometimes I can go for 3 days without getting hungry, but usually if there is food I stuff my face. I suppose everyone is like that, but I think I'm special so nah-nah.
Thirdly, meat is good. The diversity of drool-deriving dishes, directly fresh from flavored flesh. Other foods like fruits and vegetables are also good, but meat has a certain 'zing' to it and I don't mean zing like a fresh water zing, I mean it like lip-smacking tasty zing, the kind of zing that only comes from sinking your teeth into soft lion flesh and tasting those metallic drops of blood that collect around the bottom of your lower lip.
I don't understand you vegetarian herbivores. I mean, talk about propaganda, I know many people choose to adopt diets consisting only of fruit and vegetables, due to the fact that they believe that it's wrong to kill a living animal in order to ingest its meat. However, I ask you this, human leaf-eaters: "Have you ever stopped to consider that scientifically, plants are living organisms?" Yes, despite their lack of consciousness, they are in fact considered to be living. Though they are not sentient, how does that change the fact you are ingesting living matter? Huh? Damn straight, mother-Frosters.
And almost finally, when it comes to me and fast food, my meals are kind of like Noah's Ark. They have to consist of two of every animal.
(1) Breakfast. I must have two eggs (chickens); also I throw in a couple of pigs since I can't live without defying my religion. Some ham and chicken in there if I want an omlette, and then I've got a cow by-product or two with the milk.
(2) Lunch. Where do I begin with the variety of delicious little farm animals? Turkey, chicken, beef, ham, and of course what meal of Napkin's would be complete without the meat of all meats: Pepperoni. Morning, noon, or night, it's always loved on my list of luscious, lacquered, livestock.
(3) Dinner. Now you see, this is where my brain and my stomach always get in a heated debate involving admission to my taste buds. I don't eat dinner. Ever. It's because of those damn unicorns. They love me too damn much. Save the unicorns. Please?
In conclusion, Unicorns, Pigeons, and Food are three extraordinarily important things that are important. Things.
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