A Modest Proposal
A comedy article
by DemoMonkey  166,252  10
08/23/2004 06:22 PM 395 views
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A Modest Proposal for Improving the Internet
by DemoMonkey
It is a melancholy truth to those who cruise the porn- and spam-choked lanes of the information highway that the Internet has never achieved its full potential. While no one would argue the net is not a wonderful place (except perhaps the Amish, but that's only because their website sucks), it has never fulfilled its promise of a better life for all mankind. It may be the greatest tool and toy since the good Lord said "Now this penis thing, that shows promise." and yet ... like anything else in the world, it could be improved upon.
The first problem with the Internet of course, is the images. Even a casual perusal of the content available reveals a truly disturbing array of filth ranging from balloon fetishes, to eel sex, to comedic goat frottage. Every vile form of behavior known to man has its own website, and they're all so interconnected that it's impossible to avoid a vigorous eye-raping every time you log on. And heaven forbid that you attempt to use the Internet to actually obtain information! Try looking up something like, oh say, "Tropical Storms" by entering innocent keywords like Hot + Wet in a search engine. Actually, don't. Finish reading this first. (Besides, I have it bookmarked if you need it)
There is simply no way to avoid these images without doing away with the visual component altogether. Therefore - and bear with me gentle reader, though you may doubt my sanity - I propose that in order to improve the Internet we must eliminate the monitors from our computers entirely!
Imagine the savings in time and money. As I have been reasonably informed, the monitor can comprise up to 30 percent of the total cost of the computer. Even more if it actually works. Without this needless expense it might be possible to have more than one computer in every household, perhaps even one for the kitchen, the den, and each bedroom. Conflicts over whose turn it is could be completely eliminated, resulting in a golden reign of household peace.
The second problem with the Internet is the clumsiness of the interface. Consider the fact that, even in this day and age, millions of people are inadequate typists. I myself have frequently bemoaned the fact that such gems as "OMG U R so ht, ROFLMAIO!!!eleven" take so long to type that, by the time one does, it is no longer le mot juste. So do away with the keyboards as well, I say!
Without monitors or keyboards, interested students may ask, how would we send or receive information? The answer is simple really, for those willing to look outside the box. Sight is not our only sense. The relevant information could be conveyed by sound!
Again, consider the enormous increase in efficiency. Like most people I can speak faster than I can type. All right, there is some truth to the assertion that I can speak faster than I can think, but that's not really the point here. If we could speak into our computers in order to give them commands, and be able to receive information back from them in the same way, the tyranny of typing could be broken forever! In this way could an untrained computer user, or even a child, be able to both send and receive data at the speed of sound! Truly, it would be an age of marvels.
Now the third and final problem to be overcome is how to locate and recognize the appropriate site without visual clues. Admittedly, in this one area, the use of sound is less than ideal. If, for example, you had never been to the "Friends of the Sea Lion" website before, you might not know that "RRRRROOOOWWWWWrraaaaahhhhOOOOOO warkwarkwark SNUUUUFFT" (or "Those are some sweet flippers, mama") was the appropriate sound address. Fortunately the solution is elegantly simple. By retaining just the numeric portion of the keyboard, minimal space would be consumed and the capability to enter numbers into the system retained. All sites and people that you want to access - or "talk" to - could then be assigned a unique numeric code. By entering this code you could be instantly connected to the location and person of your choice, and from there you could both send and receive full spectrum streaming audio in real time. Without a bulky monitor or huge keyboard, and taking into account advances in miniaturization technology, it's possible that such a device could even be made - dare I say it - portable!
It's an outlandish dream, I know. The technology to allow us to communicate over distances without the use of a monitor or keyboard is no doubt decades in the future, if it is even possible at all. But imagine my friends, imagine if such a device could actually be created?
Oh brave new virtual world, which has such wonders in it!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
38 votes
4.9
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9 Comments on "A Modest Proposal"
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0 votes
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
08/23/2004 06:26 PM
Bob and DemoMonkey decided to have a "comedic write-off," with both of their articles entitled "A Modest Proposal."
Please vote for which version you find funniest.
The winner will receive the "Best Comedic Write-Off" title, which is not worth anything, but will look good on a resume.
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0 votes
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Chi-Chi FeIipe 30,762 12
08/23/2004 06:28 PM
SEcond to Post!
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
08/23/2004 06:28 PM
Do we have to?!
Sheesh.
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
08/24/2004 06:54 PM
I said it was a modest proposal.
Not a clever one.
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Phla Mignon 131,068 34
08/24/2004 08:12 PM
I still think I'm the only one who read the whole thing.
I'm not even sure DM read it.
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
08/24/2004 08:47 PM
"I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children, by which I can propose to get a single penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing."
Nyaah.
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Phla Mignon 131,068 34
08/24/2004 08:49 PM
Oh. I just meant this:
"RRRRROOOOWWWWWrraaaaahhhhOOOOOO warkwarkwark SNUUUUFFT"
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
04/14/2005 09:40 PM
comedic goat frottage
I'll have you know my CGF website is well-received in Japan. Very funny article.
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