McVitie's

PO Box 7249

Ashby-de-la-Zouch

LE65 2ZH



My Reference: DELicioUs-snakakes1002



Dear Mrs. Diane Tunstall

Human Penguin Representative,



Thank you for your prompt and indifferent reply. I was very excited when I saw the flat, empty envelope with the McVitie's address on it. It saddens me that 61 pence was not enough to convince you to send me a single penguin. Perhaps I was confused by the exchange rate; your mighty pound crushes my insignificant and rebellious dollar, and I thought 61 pence was enough to warrant me at least three penguins.



I really loved your letter. I especially enjoyed looking at your signature.







It looked like a gentle wave flowing over penguins (not the candy) at the bottom of the ocean. Your letterhead was also pleasing to my piercing pink eyes.



It occurs to me that you may not have understood my desperate need for penguins and the void they could fill in my life. I am a 25 year old albino. I worked as a light bulb changer in a styrofoam factory until my job was deemed redundant by the evil and merciless Mr. Meisner. Mr. Meisner is a pudgy and disgusting man. He never truly understood the intricacies of changing a light bulb on a ladder while small women with misshapen heads and bad breath constructed Styrofoam underneath.



The construction of each piece of Styrofoam is a painstaking and devilish task. It is important that each small woman have a well-lit work area. The amount of electric juice these tiny women greedily eat up while sewing together each piece of Styrofoam is enormous. As such, me and my best friend Laddy the Ladder spent our days running all over the factory floor, changing light bulbs at a fever pitch. We made quite a pair.



At work I wore giant yellow galoshes because I liked the sound they made. Laddy liked them, too, but never wore them because he was not human and I was merely projecting my feelings about galoshes onto him. Last year on our fifth anniversary working together, I put a pair of galoshes on him and we posed for pictures. Some people used these photos as a dart board, but I have mine framed at home.



When I was fired, I asked the sadistic and powerful Mr. Meisner if I could have Laddy to change light bulbs with me in my home. He told me Laddy was to stay at the factory where he belonged, and I was to leave because I didn't belong there anymore. He cast me out in the same vile and vicious way he conducts all his business. His rule is ruthless and unforgiving. The last thing I remember before blacking out is hearing Mr. Meisner cackle as he ordered the guards to send me "back to hell." They decided the best way to do this was to kick the crap out of me.



Part of me died that day, the part that changed light bulbs with a well spoken and unusually intelligent ladder in a styrofoam factory. Some of the changes I've made as a result of losing that job are positive ones. For instance, I am no longer burned by the light emitted from illegally strong light bulbs bombarding my sensitive albino skin. The light bulbs at my home are albino-safe. I now spend the days with my curtains drawn in a futile battle against the accursed sun.



Did you know that no two pieces of Styrofoam are exactly the same?



After losing my job I scraped together a few thousand pesos (I was not paid in dollars at "La Espuma Blanca") and jetted over to Europe. It was there, while applying for jobs at black pudding factories, that a local puta turned me on to your precious penguins. I ate one. Then several. The rest is history. Trans-Atlantic history.



I am excited about your claim that Costco is going to carry your biscuits, but I would be leery of that organization: They once promised to carry 500 cartons of my Albino's Choice Cigarettes in a test market in Portland, Oregon. After extensive negotiations they mysteriously pulled the plug when they discovered I had added traces of powdered black licorice to my cigarettes in an attempt to make them more addictive to children.



All of the events described above make my life sound horrible. You may think of me as a depraved lunatic who hates himself. But, in fact, there is a lot of joy in my life. Ever since I placed that first penguin in my mouth and closed my mouth with the penguin in it I have become aware that life doesn't have to be about being in constant pain and having inanimate objects speak to me. I would be lying, though, if my coffee table's wisdom isn't a great source of comfort for me in times of pain.



The point is: I LOVE PENGUINS (CANDY) SO MUCH! I have told all my friend about them. My friend is named Laddy. He is the ladder I told you about above. When I told him about Penguins he said, "What is this thing you call taste?" I had to explain to him that when humans put delicious penguins in their mouth they experience a pleasure sensation. He then said, "What is this thing you call love?" He then started crying and going on about how he was cursed to walk the earth never understanding love, being loved or engaging in an act of love with a human or a ladder.



Later that night something happened that I am ashamed of.



In closing, I just want to thank you. Your penguins have brought me real purpose. I am desperate to acquire some and am considering moving to England so that I can buy them without paying the outrageous shipping fees. In the meantime, is there any way I could get some from you? ANY WAY? I will send you money or goods in exchange for your product.



I love penguins more than I have ever loved anything in my entire life.



Yours,

Scott Taylor

Penguin lover



P.S. Last month I came up $1.095851 short on my rent and was warned that if this happened again I would be sent to federal prison. Oddly, on August 25th, 2004, that amount would be equal to 61 of your pence. If I had not sent you that money my mother would not be threatening to make me leave her basement, where I live. My connection to penguins grows ever stronger.



P.P.S.S. Are you looking to hire a light bulb changer? My demands are only ridiculous when compared to the demands of others. You may hear from the brutal and tyrannical Mr. Meisner when looking at my references. Do not believe what he has to say about me. He is a liar. I would love to work for you.

TTJane-full of painful convictions 173,958 15
08/31/2004 05:17 PM

Later that night something happened that I am ashamed of.





Heh. That's all I have to say. Right now, I have to go clean Guinness off my keyboard.

Trae Uvula 156,785 17
08/31/2004 05:19 PM

I'm just concerned about the insinuated ladder love. Well, that and the part about Mr. Meisner.

El Hammerheado 59,399 14
08/31/2004 05:21 PM

I'm concerned that this guy may be sniffing too much glue.

No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
08/31/2004 05:47 PM

Ladder-love, eating-with-feet and a signature with dotted "T's"



Comedy Gold!

Fierce 394 8
08/31/2004 07:47 PM

<action>is in horrible pain</action>the white foam, ladder love, and whatever shameful act you had to do to get Mr. Meisner to part with Laddy...

i have a bruised rib it really hurts to laugh this hard

rhi_escobar 246 8
08/31/2004 08:08 PM

We have a pack of penguins in our fridge right now.. I was about to go to bed but now I think I might instead have a penguin..

Graves 5 8
08/31/2004 09:48 PM

I love your letter. Very enlightening. I had no idea that no two pieces of Styrofoam are exactly the same. How is it that you are able to distinguish between pieces? Absolutely facinating!

Happy Fun Ball 852 9
08/31/2004 09:50 PM

If I were them I'd be afraid NOT to send penguins this time. Your really playing the part of an increasingly unbalanced addict well..... You... are playing..... right?

0 8
08/31/2004 10:09 PM

I've never laughed so hard from reading a ZUG article, and I've read every single one of John's!

scotttaylor 2,872 9
08/31/2004 10:59 PM

Thanks Wise Guy, that's high praise, John kicks all sorts of ass.



Can't wait to see the reply to this one. I'm betting on silence.

The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
09/01/2004 02:23 AM

Good work, Scott.

Frogpop 173,153 25
09/01/2004 04:22 AM

sOoOOOOO gOOd!

meancoffeebean 348 8
09/01/2004 05:43 PM

<action>has the worst case of giggles ..... Evar...</action>



























Hic!

Ginkleigh05 0 8
09/01/2004 06:45 PM

I have a ladder at my work named Aladda. I think that she and Laddy would get along wonderfully. She helps me water the plants that are to high up for my vertically challenged reach.

CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/01/2004 06:46 PM

Yeah, I store my pot up high where no one can reach it too.

Humphrey loves a tipple from the honey pot. 51,764 12
09/03/2004 02:53 AM

I should tell you my step-ladder story...

Speckled_Hand (Goodman Jones) 46 8
09/06/2004 06:34 PM

After guffawing myself achey over this series, what should I see in my butcher's shelves but y-y-y-you guessed it, Penguins! They are as tasty as Scott declares and I am shamed to admit that I, too, bow now to a new Dark Master. Darth Penguin is his name...