TTJane-full of painful convictions 173,958 15
08/31/2004 07:57 PM

So we're doing pets now, not kids?



Okay. I have the world's cutest cat. She only has 3 legs.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
08/31/2004 07:58 PM

The best part is when they so it in front of your bedroom door and you get up to pee in the middle of the night and its pitch dark and you don't see it and step in it.



Yeah nothings better than stepping in wet Poe sludge at midnight.



Cats are great.

Jakeypants 13,437 11
08/31/2004 07:58 PM

If you'd quit feeding them they'd have nothing left to barf up. Or you should switch to dogs. You can use thier tails to clean up thier own barf.

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
08/31/2004 07:59 PM

If I am ever sleeping with someon that is snoring. I will poke, jab, and shake them until they stop....or die.



But when my dog snores, it is the cutest thing I have ever heard in my entire life.

Snorkius from the north. 45,655 12
08/31/2004 08:01 PM

And when my dog farts, it's also the...nevermind

Lord Dyran, professional procrastinator 6,040 9
08/31/2004 08:32 PM

Yeah nothings better than stepping in wet Poe sludge at midnight.





I've heard of fisting, but I'm not even sure what you'd call that. Footing?

Dogs Akimbo 211,539 32
08/31/2004 08:48 PM

...dogs. You can use thier tails to clean up thier own barf.



What's cute about dogs is they clean it up themselves. Not using their tails.

Happy Fun Ball 852 9
08/31/2004 09:03 PM

On rare occasions I snore. My cat, motivated by curiosity, then attempts to find out where this noise comes from, and on a few instances has attempted to catch whatever makes it.... Having a cat ram a foreleg down your throat may not be the most subtle way to wake up, but it IS effective.

Gonzo 20,522 17
08/31/2004 09:07 PM

<action> tries to staple a cat foreleg to his alarm clock.</action>Ewww! Messy!

Happy Fun Ball 852 9
08/31/2004 09:16 PM

It works better if you have to whole thing Gonzo. I'll be happy to send you this one if you like. Recently it has resumed the quest to find tender parts of the male anatomy during the wee hours of the morning. A great bit of fun for the cat, yet another rude awakening for me.

Gonzo 20,522 17
08/31/2004 09:21 PM

<action> gets out the Krazy Glue to finish the job.</action>Ok, I'll try it with this one... as soon as the staring and twitching stops.

All Your Briham are Belong to Us 38,843 10
08/31/2004 09:59 PM

One morning, a few years ago, my sister woke me up and told me I had to help clean up something. I follow her downstairs and next to the door leading into the porch was a large puddle of what appeared to be slightly chunky chocolate pudding. The smell was quite possibly the most evil stench I have ever sniffed. It did not take me long at all to figure out that our dog had severe diarrhea.

As we began cleaning it up, my sister explained what happened. Earlier that night, our dog, Coal, had come into her room at least twice and woke her up. Since it was around 3:00 in the morning, she ignored him. The third, she finally got up to let him out into the backyard. At this point, however, it was too late. As she walked through the pitch black house, she felt her foot step in something wet. Disturbed, she quickly kept walking and led the dog through the porch and into the backyard. She then managed to find a light switch and confirmed her suspicions of what she stepped in.

After hearing this story, I looked into the porch, and sure enough, there were little brown footprints in the carpet leading to the backyard door.

Take my advice and always let your dog out, no matter what time it is.

The High Priestess 58,875 29
08/31/2004 10:00 PM

My cat has never thrown up, or pooped anywhere but the litter box.

All Your Briham are Belong to Us 38,843 10
08/31/2004 10:02 PM

Whenever our cat poops outside the litterbox, my lazy sister gets our dog to eat it.

Lord Dyran, professional procrastinator 6,040 9
08/31/2004 10:03 PM

Why did you have to help clean up?



She should clean up her own poo-prints!

All Your Briham are Belong to Us 38,843 10
08/31/2004 10:06 PM

I don't stand up for myself I'm kinda the helpful one in the family so I'm usually the one woken up or bothered to help the others.

Pistol luvs you with bullets 10,071 9
08/31/2004 11:38 PM

Apparently, one of my cats swallows his food whole because his vomit looks exactly like his food. It doesn't even really look like it's been digested. Same when I feed him beer.

The High Priestess 58,875 29
08/31/2004 11:41 PM

Pistol, your cat is also the seventh sign of the apocalypse.

Pistol luvs you with bullets 10,071 9
08/31/2004 11:44 PM

You know, just because he has one crushes ear, different colored eyes, a crooked head, an obnoxiously loud and high-pitched meow, and can't always walk straight doesn't mean he's a sign of the apocalypse.



You're just saying that because he's white, you racist whore.

Pistol luvs you with bullets 10,071 9
08/31/2004 11:47 PM

Oh, I forgot about how he tries to blend in with dark objects. Heh. He's so cute in that mentally retarded way.

The High Priestess 58,875 29
08/31/2004 11:48 PM

That's right. I am Irish-German-Norweigan Catholic am racist. I hate white cats. Bring in the thousand year reign of Black Cat Supremicay!

Pistol luvs you with bullets 10,071 9
08/31/2004 11:58 PM

And don't you forget it.



On that note, my mom called earlier and the little ear-biter was so loud, I could hear him over the phone.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
09/01/2004 06:48 AM

In my house, underwear must go right in the hamper or one of the dogs will find it and eat the crotch.



The other one does a lot of ass-dragging across the carpet, but it's OK since I think it looks funny. She also eats poop.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
09/01/2004 06:52 AM

In my home, if you are the first to find dog excrement of any kind, you are obligated to be the one to clean it up. Unless of course, you can succesfully ignore it long enough, knowing full well the person who finds it next will first decide if they are in fact the first person finding it, and if they can convincingly get away with ignoring it as well.



















There's a lump of Shakespeare in my living room from 1996, but don't let anyone know that I've noticed it yet.

TheFoye 55,700 16
09/01/2004 09:51 AM

I have a doberman pincsher that masturbates... alot! I was haveing a party one day and he sniffed this girls ass and started to masturbate in the middle of the living room, in front of everybody!

People are screaming and laughing in drunkeness and my dog is sucking his own dick! The worst part is when he busted his nut and it got on the tile floor and my very drunk buddy came out of the bathroom and slipped on it!







I have since taught my dog to beat off outside!

TheFoye 55,700 16
09/01/2004 09:54 AM

I also used to have a cat that would Frost a little stuffed monkey!

I used to hide it and bring it out when company came over. My cat would zero in on it as soon as I brought it out and the fun would begin!

Munkus 2,801 10
09/01/2004 10:07 AM

My dog has a nasty habit of vomiting on the floor and then immediatly trying to eat it back up again.



I guess his dogfood is so good he wants to taste it twice as much

Aimless 54,807 10
09/01/2004 10:17 AM

My dog Huey has decided that actually stopping to poop or pee is not an effective use of a walk and so has begun to perfect the "poop and walk". He just strolls along, dropping turds in his wake. Half the time you don't even know that he's pooped until you look behind and see the trail of turds.

TheFoye 55,700 16
09/01/2004 10:20 AM

"poop and walk".



You may have mistaken your horse as a dog!

SHP - all inked up 181,718 70
09/01/2004 10:46 AM

Confusing a horse and a dog is no big deal.



Confusing your horse for your husband can lead to divorce. And arrest.



At least, that's what I've heard.

SHP - all inked up 181,718 70
09/01/2004 10:47 AM

You know, if any of you had cats to get rid of, you should tell Chickens.



I hear he "knows somebody".

woodenshoes 347 9
09/01/2004 10:53 AM

I love it when people dress cats in clothes.

SaltyDave 3,588 9
09/01/2004 05:03 PM

when i was in high school, i went to a friend's house whose cat had just recently had kittens...she also had a terror of a sister who could not be controlled...she liked to throw things...any things...kittens are things....so i sit down and next thing you know, there's a kitten flying at my head...i luckily had the reflex god on my side that night, and caught it...but unfortunately the kitten had a reflex of its own and i had a giant brown stain on my pants....ive never liked kids since that moment....

Crushing Black Oblivion 1,294 8
09/01/2004 05:14 PM

One time I noticed the dog was walking around with a piece of its Shakespeare on a string hanging out of his ass. Just dangling away like a pendulum.



Well, that just won't do. I grab a paper towel and proceed to pull the Shakespeare and attached string out of the dog's ass only to discover the other end of the string was attached to a used tampon.

Robin 14,626 9
09/01/2004 05:26 PM

I have a cat who has decided that Ice cubes in his water dish is a must.



He also plays with rubber bands and twisty ties that get placed in the food dishes after he's "killed" them.

Phla Mignon 131,068 34
09/01/2004 05:29 PM

My neighbor has a python that she lets loose in the backyard while it swallows its 5 pound rat so she can watch TV in peace. Meanwhile I am trapped in my house because the slaughter is taking place at the bottom of my stairs.



GABSavannah? Please? Can everybody come visit and punch her in the ear?

Inmate #3749 is Piemaster - Avoiding slippery soap 12,538 15
09/01/2004 05:46 PM

A couple of years back, my uncle and I went into training for the still underground sport of "cat spinning". Here's how it's played out.



Step 1: Find a cat that is willing to be a participant. This step is vital to you health.



Step 2: Lay said cat on his side.



Step 3: Spin the cat in circles until you subside laughing.



Step 4: Watch cat stumble around confusingly.



Step 5: If cat comes back (See Step 1), repeat.



Extra points if you can get the cat high on catnip.

Dogs Akimbo 211,539 32
09/01/2004 07:05 PM

just because he has one crushe[d] ear, different colored eyes, a crooked head, an obnoxiously loud and high-pitched meow, and can't always walk straight



That's the cat named Lucky, right?

CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/01/2004 07:08 PM

The Lucky joke was a little predictable, but I'll give you clickies anyway

CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/01/2004 07:10 PM

So I think my dog is going blind. The other day I threw a tennis ball to him and he just let it hit him it the face before he reacted. Then he just ran head first into the door. Poor dog...B(

Roofie Raccoon 56,688 10
09/01/2004 07:12 PM

(Psst, CW2, don't use emoticons here.)



/helpful

El Scorcho Sombrero 91,274 10
09/01/2004 07:20 PM

Yeah Coffee.. No Smileys whatsoever.



Did you read the newbie page?

Dogs Akimbo 211,539 32
09/01/2004 07:21 PM

Gee.



A whole clickie!

Dogs Akimbo 211,539 32
09/01/2004 07:23 PM

Having a cat ram a foreleg down your throat



You misspelled...ah, never mind.



It's a little predictable, eh?

CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/01/2004 07:25 PM

Tryin' to be nice, and the newbie thing is Frost-ingross

Pistol luvs you with bullets 10,071 9
09/01/2004 07:27 PM

That's the cat named Lucky, right?



Acutally, his name is Kimo. Pronounced, "chemo" of course.

CoffeeWizard2 1,109 8
09/01/2004 07:29 PM

Interesting name... What's it all about?

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
09/01/2004 07:32 PM

<action> can't believe this Frosttard is getting so much advice...



The Lucky joke was a little predictable, but I'll give you clickies anyway



Clickies and Maha's were created in order to show ones appreciation, or dislike for certain comments, rather then flooding the board with useless comments that waste space.

</helpful>

Slayer of Shoes 549 9
09/05/2004 01:56 PM

My Dachsund ate 2 1/2 bags of trash, and I'm not talking about those tiny bathroom bags which you throw your "kleen-ex" into, I'm talking about those 8 gallon things. She age coffe grounds, a chicken carcass, some of her own poop, congeled bacon greese, and possibly that dead squirrel my brother shot. Needless to say she weighed about 36 pounds afterwords. We had to induce vomiting. I called my friends up and we gathered 'round for some good ol' fashioned dog vomiting. It was fun until we had to clean up about 12 pounds of laughter on the footpath.

Declan McManus, Irritated Bear 131,874 36
09/05/2004 02:12 PM

Most cat barfing can be reduced or even eliminated by frequent combing/brushing.





Cats like to be combed, too.

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
09/05/2004 02:20 PM

My cats like to be brushed more than my dogs.



Then again my dogs pee and poo in a litter pan and lick themselves clean.



I think all of my animals are species-confused.

Slayer of Shoes 549 9
09/05/2004 02:25 PM

Have you ever had an animal go senile on you? My family has, I was about 8, and my dog at the time Poppy, conseqentally another dachshund, had gone deaf, partally blind, and senile. So while we were all sitting around at dinner, in comes my dog: she sniffs around for about 3 seconds, barks for food, takes a piss. Four minutes later, she comes back in, sniffs, takes a crap. The best part was my grandparents were visiting.

Gabe 9,232 13
09/05/2004 07:35 PM

I just got back from PetsMart. (Pet Smart? Pet's Mart?) I bought one of those divider thingies for the back of the SUV so that when dog and baby are in the car together baby doesn't end up getting drooled on by Capt. Lardass the Uberhound.



I'm standing around the aisle looking at the various products and look up to see a woman next to me wearing a baby sling. It looks just like the one my wife and I just started trying to use with our kid. Only she has a Frost-ing dog in it. Which is pretty gay to begin with. She's also standing in front of the doggy clothing section and she's trying hats on the dog's head.



I would have pointed at her and laughed but the dog looked kinda tough even though it was small. I didn't want to get jacked by some hat wearing dog that jumped out of its owners sling and bit me on the crotch.

El Hammerheado 59,399 14
09/05/2004 07:43 PM

Capt. Lardass the Uberhound.



I am so stealing that name.

Gabe 9,232 13
09/05/2004 07:47 PM

As long as I get royalties.

El Hammerheado 59,399 14
09/05/2004 07:49 PM

I gave you a clickie. You've been paid your royalty.

El Hammerheado 59,399 14
09/05/2004 07:53 PM

I also think that it would make a perfect name if I ever went into showing dogs, as it sounds like a snobby name most people in that business give their dogs, but it's just enough of a smartass name to piss them off.

Pubah 56,805 18
09/11/2004 12:19 PM

Pubah no like pets

Cats...too damned smug and arrogant



Dogs...too stupid and messy



Fish...Boaring



Snakes...Hell NO



Iguana's...Can't spell it, don't want it in my house (but they do eat bugs)



Between my roaches and mice, Pubah donneed no stinkin pets.

cynful 215 9
09/11/2004 08:33 PM

We have a rhodesian ridgeback/Lab mixed named Lulu who is just a tad bit food-obsessed. We used to keep the dog food in a sealed rubber-maid trash can on the back porch until one day, when she was about 5 months old, she figured out how to knock it over and unlatch the lid.



She at like 10 or 15 pounds of food. Her gut was so swollen that she couldn't stand up fully, but she couldn't lay down or sit comfortably either. So she had to waddle around in this miserable half-crouched position. Seriously, she looked like a little black balloon. Luckily there wasn't more food in there at the time or she probably would have ate until she popped.



As it was, we had a miserable night of emergency vet phone conversations and staying up to monitor her self-induced "condition."

Itchy Scrotum Rash 367 9
09/11/2004 09:02 PM

My cat ate 1 gram of my *ahem* roommates 'magic mushrooms' on night while I slept.











Was the funniest Frost-ing thing I have ever seen, waking up to a cat with eyes like saucers, sitting in a puddle of drool, meowing like it was having the worlds longest kitty orgasm.

Itchy Scrotum Rash 367 9
09/11/2004 09:03 PM

OOPS sorry, previous post not "PETA" friendly

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
09/11/2004 09:13 PM

I have some hippie friends, unfortunately. This happened before I knew them, so I can in no way be held responsible for the idiocy of this story.



Dirty hippies often do lots of drugs, and are usually pretty absent minded. My friend had left a sheet of acid out on the table and then left. When she returned, she found the new puppy sitting in the corner, wide eyed, in a puddle of her own pee. Shreds of the sheet of acid lay scattered about.



The dogs name is now 'Special.'

Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
09/11/2004 09:18 PM

What a godamn waste of perfectly good acid.



My cat once got ahold of an exctasy tablet my friend "misplaced" in a Frosted up stupor.



That was the only time I have ever been able to pet her.

Livewire 78,229 13
09/12/2004 12:53 AM

As long as I get royalties.



He'll ship you a 12 ounce jar of Princess Di.

Whistler P. McManus 185,953 44
09/12/2004 03:35 AM

My late dog, Gidget, may she rest in peace, was so fond of eating the cat poop that she'd run and stand next to the box as soon as she heard one of the cats scratching in it. She'd snarf down that turd and then come running back all happy, with a grain of litter stuck up in one of her nostrils.

Крыса (The Rat) 2,085 9
09/12/2004 03:41 AM

Was it the poop that killed her?

Declan McManus, Irritated American. 131,874 36
09/12/2004 05:08 AM

Oh, my yes! Gidget was everything my brother says she was.



And no, the cat litter didn't do her in, it was the neigbour's electric garage door.





No, it wasn't.





You're right.



It was extreme age.





Thank you





Now, go to bed. You have church in 5 hours.



all right

millie 116,984 28
09/12/2004 03:47 PM

One cat used to eat the other cat's puke. At first, we yelled at him out of disgust. But laziness won over, and we just let him do it so we wouldn't have to clean it up.



Our other cat used to like to play with those little rubber fingertips (that you put on your finger to sort papers--miniature french ticklers). She would meow loudly while she batted them around. Maybe she was hoping for a boy cat to come around and try one out on her.

Chance 171,270 14
09/25/2004 06:52 PM

Well, that just won't do. I grab a paper towel and proceed to pull the Shakespeare and attached string out of the dog's ass only to discover the other end of the string was attached to a used tampon.

I cannot believe CBO did not get a full pee tube for that cause I just can't stop laughing. I mean come on, imagine the horror!

Daggy 86,705 14
09/25/2004 07:11 PM

Tip. Do not read this thread when you've just woken up with a hangover.