Light in the Loops: Cereal Homosexuality
A comedy article
by DemoMonkey  166,252  10
09/01/2004 11:41 PM 967 views
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Having consumed nearly 13,000 boxes of sugared breakfast cereal in my lifetime, it recently occurred to me that many of our favorite cereal mascots are probably a little "light in the loops." Am I the only one who sees this?
 Snap, Crackle and Pop
In decades past, the cereal companies tried desperately to attach a wholesome image to these three, but come on. These guys are gayer than a tangerine. Has there ever been even a hint of a woman's presence in their chummy little "boys club"? I think not. Deep down we always knew these three were puffing each others' kernels, which makes you wonder about the white sticky stuff in a Rice Krispie Treat.
These days, they've been given an image makeover, with a sharper look, hipper dialogue, and hot urban background music. "Straight roles for the queer bowls." What has this made them? Breakfosexuals, that's what.
 Tony the Tiger
Classic closet case. That big deep growl, the macho posturing, the sports obsessions - matched with that darling little neckerchief. Oh sure, he may be a pitcher, but he's playing for the other team all the same. Most of us know Tony by his public catchphrase, "They're Gr-r-reat!" Less well-known are his private catchphrases such as, "I love R-r-receiving Or-r-al!" and "R-r-rimjobs are ter-r-rific!"
 Lucky the Leprechaun
Curly-toed shoes, check.
Effeminate little hat, check.
Completely colour coordinated right down to his "moons and stars," check.
Gee. Can't imagine why I have any suspicions about him.
 The Trix Rabbit
Not necessarily gay; I admit the jury's still out on this one. To be honest, I don't think that poor bastard rabbit is getting any from either sex. Which goes a long way to explaining why he's so damn twitchy all the time! That and the meth addiction.
And those sadist kids who won't even give him a bowl of cereal while he's jonesing? Bunch of little Trixteases, that's what they are.
 Sugar Bear
SUGAR. BEAR. How much more out can you get? The big round torso, the full body fur, the deep "come to daddy" voice? Put him in a leather vest instead of those idiot Bing Crosby sweaters and he's ready to judge amateur night at the "Taste of Grease" festival.
Those big warm eyes are dreamy, though. Not, ah, not that I care about that sort of thing.
 Captain Crunch
No, I must be mistaken about this fine upstanding gentleman. After all, there's certainly never been any history of homosexuality IN THE NAVY!
And I don't know what his "crunchberrys" are supposed to be, but I am not putting them in my mouth.
 The Corn Flakes Rooster
It's a big Coleridge. A BIG Coleridge! IS ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION HERE!!
 Mueslix
Maybe I'm stretching here, since this fiercely effeminate bicycle-short-wearing European import doesn't even have a mascot. But c'mon: flakes, nuts, and fruits? 'Nuff said.
 The Alpha Bits Wizard
Again, not necessarily gay. But answer this: why does the Alpha Bits Wizard keep appearing in children's bedrooms instead of their kitchens? They eat cereal in the kitchen, so why is this robed pervert appearing over their beds waving his "magic" wand?
"Look Cindy, Billy, your cereal makes words! What does it say?"
"F-U-N!"
"C-A-N-D-Y!"
"Uhhh ... L-O-T-I-O-N?"
 Count Chocula and Frankenbery
It's nice to see a healthy alternative-lifestyle couple in the cereal aisle every week. While theirs may be a May-December romance (The Count is over 300 years old, while Frankie's parts have only been animated since the 70's), at least they have a shared love of coloured marshmallows that dissolve into tooth-rotting syrup when exposed to milk.
You may notice that you never see TV commercial for these two anymore. This may be because focus groups finally determined that the Count's voice was, in fact, the second gayest sound on earth (the first, of course, is "Richard Simmons, Sweating to the Colonoscopy").
 Toucan Sam
Bitch, please.
Though truthfully, Fruit Loops don't even need a mascot to broadcast their sexual preferences. They're just out and proud, a great big rainbow of firm luscious rings, so round, so sweet, so tempting as you bring them closer and closer to your eager hungry mouth that's been waiting so very very long...
Ummm ... personally, I prefer a nice bagel.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
182 votes
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33 Comments on "Light in the Loops: Cereal Homosexuality"
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Aimless 54,807  10
09/24/2004 02:57 PM
Bitch, please! Demo is the milk in my cereal.
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Declan McManus, Irritated Bear 131,874 36
09/24/2004 02:57 PM
Post? Post? Post is Fruity Pebbles, and we all know she's a Lipstick Lesbian.
Bamm Bamm is her beard.
and Pebbles is his.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
09/24/2004 02:58 PM
"Breakfosexuals"
I clickied for this word alone!
(Has anyone else noticed that "Tony" is not wearing any pants?!)
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Prof.Fantabulous 19,711 13
09/24/2004 03:05 PM
Well, i guess i can stop writing my article on how cereal mascots promote racial intolerance.
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Declan McManus, Irritated Bear 131,874 36
09/24/2004 03:06 PM
No_Key... I haven't been noticing Tony's pantslessness for 35 years.
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PuggyD 48,304 12
09/24/2004 03:15 PM
Was I naive for assuming that cereal mascots didn't have sex?
Am I pathetic because a cartoon leprechaun is apparently getting more than I am?
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
09/24/2004 03:17 PM
Breakfosexuals is definitely my favorite word.
That whole article is just hilarious.
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Chris Garrett (Craven Somehead) 86,932 12
09/24/2004 03:25 PM
hmmm....Shakespearety spelling, no caps, no puncuation...
DUR...I'm a fish has entered the building.
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NavyBoy 19,912 12
09/24/2004 03:49 PM
No, I must be mistaken about this fine upstanding gentleman. After all, there's certainly never been any history of homosexuality IN THE NAVY!
I seriously need to change my name...
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Scotty Snuggleduck 5,349 10
09/24/2004 03:59 PM
Demo,
You forgot to add Boo-Berry and Yummy Mummy. I mean, c'mon, a mummy dressed in rainbow bandages and surrounded by children?
Bitch, please is right.
SS
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Fratberry 282,845 53
09/24/2004 04:12 PM
John,
Thanks for posting my article on the same day you posted a DemoMonkey article.
That's like me about to have sex with the wife when Peter North walks in the room.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
09/24/2004 04:46 PM
At least he posted your hurricane-themed article.
<action>looks at John in a hurt way</action>
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DemoMonkey 166,252 10
09/24/2004 04:47 PM
So what you're saying is my article is 9 inches longer than yours?
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Flourescent Sombrero 91,274 10
09/24/2004 04:54 PM
No, He's saying his wife has no interest in him sexually anymore.
Oh, And something about being inadequately funny. Or gay. I cant remember.
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
09/24/2004 04:54 PM
John never posts my articles either.
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Sr Zapato 349 8
09/24/2004 04:58 PM
Take Cheerios, dress up in a bee suit, and add some HoneyNut.
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The Real Rockin Donkey 77,546 17
09/24/2004 05:00 PM
They shoulda named it nut-honey cheerios.
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Fratberry 282,845 53
09/24/2004 05:26 PM
What I'm saying is that riding a quarter horse is a lot of fun but when you see a thoroughbred in the paddock...
I suck at this.
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Grand Dragon 291 9
09/24/2004 06:22 PM
Comedy genius.
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PuggyD 48,304 12
09/24/2004 06:28 PM
"Breakfosexuals" isn't even a pun or anything. I mean, "queereal" would have been more clever.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
09/24/2004 06:54 PM
woman's presence in their chummy little "boys club"
You're sort of wrong there, D. The Canadian commercials for Snap Crackle and Pop had a female advertising exec watching over the boys in a series of commercials where she quoted from a letter she got saying how much they liked "her" (meaning Pop).
So she sort of outed him. I guess.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/24/2004 07:20 PM
Cum again?
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piXXXie 5,871 11
09/24/2004 08:27 PM
"Breakfosexuals" isn't even a pun or anything.
Ever heard of Metrosexuals? Ryan Seacrest?
Ahhh, poor, sheltered not-from-California-ans...
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
09/24/2004 11:49 PM
Born unto Mary and Joe. He died, Mel Gibson would say brutally, at the age of 33. The end.
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Gonzo 20,522 17
09/24/2004 11:58 PM
All I gotta say is that King Vitamin always scared the Frost outa me.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
09/25/2004 02:37 AM
Those glasses make Frankenbery look like a fat Sir Elton John.
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Mospaw the Inscrutable Newbie 86 11
09/25/2004 08:07 PM
I've always wondered about Quisp.
Funny little alien from the planet "Q"(ueer). Has an apparent lisp.
Case closed.
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mentaluprising 36 9
09/26/2004 02:27 AM
Hey now, I've always respected Cap'n Crunch. Everyone knows he's a pirate and not some gay navy guy. He brings breakfast to the table with a Yo ho ho and a sword.
Incidently, the Crunchberries business is just a band he tried to start in high school. I could be wrong though...
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Neerd 8 8
10/04/2004 05:45 PM
Aside from the aforementioned cold cereals, what about the Quaker Oats guy?
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