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 Yelling and running and jumping and enough colors to give a person a full-blown stroke: these are a few of kids favorite things according to advertising agencies for cereal companies. Have you ever sat and watched a cereal commercial? I'm not talking about the ones where old people are trying to convince you that eating Bran Bombs will cure everything from heart disease to hemorrhoids. No I'm talking about the wild, trippy and cracked out kids' cereal commercials. The ones where they are flying around and eating floating clumps of sugar along with elephants, lions and monkeys ... and God knows what else.
 Does anyone else see the total crap we're jamming into kids' heads these days? All with the crazy cartoon characters and the goofy, yet catchy sayings ... I'm not blind! I see the subliminal messages they're sending our youth! They're saying "buy our cereal cause you can't have fun without eating our cereal! Everybody's doing it!" I think evasive action needs to be taken I don't know about you but I'm finding it hard to buy cereal on the soul foundation that a "silly rabbit" really likes it. OR LEPRECHAUN! I hate Frost-ing leprechauns and if you were smart you wouldn't trust 1/3rd of all your meals everyday to a God dammed dirty leprechaun! They're filthy and untrustworthy! Not to mention a TERRIBLE way to advertise food. I'm going to take a five-minute break to get all that built up leprechaun anxiety out ... OK I'm back ... stupid leprechauns.
In the "typical" cereal commercial you will see children portrayed as crazy, insane, sugar fiends (not that most of them aren't) these children will resemble a crack dependent in many ways. They're shown jumping and flying around, their feet rarely touch the ground and they're shown with a sickening amount of the product streaming into their small yet some how big enough stomachs non stopedly! If you really think about it, it's enough to make you vomit. If I were a parent I would keep any commodity that causes children's eyes to bulge out of their heads and their tongues to stick out at odd angles as far away from touching a single taste bud on their tongues as I could.
 *Takes a deep breath* Kids cereal is a gateway drug and cap'n crunch is a dealer. O sure it starts out as innocently as "crunchitize me cap'n!" but through time when the one bowl just isn't enough they'll start getting shifty eyed "hit me up cap'n" their addictions tear them and their families apart. They take to the streets to beg for money to feed their obsessions. Only to barrow and steel and ask the fatal question "Could you cover me this time cap'n? I'm really hurting and I need some sugar! *Cough* *cough*" Only for him to shake his dopey, brightly lit, ever smiling head at them turning his back ... and walking away.
YOUR KIDS WILL DIE ON THE STREETS! Unless you act now! If they're addicted get them help. Send them to an SAA (sugar addicted anonymous) meeting or something. If you don't know if they've begun the down-hill plunge look for the signs of addictions (controlling your kids can be as easy as smakin the lil nincompoops upside they're stupid heads) Signs like rambunctious ness and extreme amounts of hyperactivity ...ADD ...Ritalin wont help if you don't get your kid off the crunch! Stay away from cereals where the only form of nutrition comes from the milk you pour into it. Finally keep kids away from the T.V. because subliminal messages will run rampant through their small impressionable minds. Don't let your kids have any room to wiggle. Remember that kids can go so easily from "coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs" to coo-coo for crack cocaine!
My big plan to overthrow many of the cartoon drug lords is to come up with a "decoy cereal" since cereal is 70 to 80% advertising. Since very little substance we will advertise my cereal as fruity, marshmallowy, liquefied sugar frosted cocoa bombs ... with sprinkles and it will include a prize! EXLAX In every box, to wash all the other cereal out of their systems. The cereal will actually be brightly covered bran flakes (which might actually remove the need for ExLax at all)! They'll never know the difference. If all goes according to plan we will overthrow the major dealers and topple the Sugar for Breakfast Empire. With your help we can save the youth of America!
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
36 votes
5.0
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27 Comments on "Cap'n crunch-barron (dealer of sugar)"
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John Hargrave 128,751  73
10/06/2004 04:26 PM
I thought this article was hilarious. I tried editing it a bit, cleaning up some of the punctuation and spelling, then thought it was much funnier as written.
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Sourescent Flombrero 91,274 10
10/06/2004 04:27 PM
Before i read it, Let me take this time to let my jaw drop to the floor.
"Comedy Article by Dread Pirate Sunshine"
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
10/06/2004 04:33 PM
If I realized John was willing to post articles fomr ANYBODY I would have submitted several already.
I thought they would have to be funny
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Sourescent Flombrero 91,274 10
10/06/2004 04:38 PM
I love you more.
And I'm not tainted.
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Chance 171,270 14
10/06/2004 04:39 PM
Cereal artical? Already been done by DM- I'm sure yours can't top that. Better luck next time.
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piXXXie 5,871 11
10/06/2004 04:39 PM
WWW, you make me happy in a way I never thought that a woman could.
I may consider switching teams, as well.
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
10/06/2004 04:44 PM
My girly parts are tingling fomr the excitement!
Sombrero, you know I love you, dearie. Every delicious part of you.
Declan, I would be delighted to be on your team. Which ever team it be.
piXXie, you are a love. Let me know when your ready to switch, heh.
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Madgoat 801 10
10/06/2004 04:51 PM
I only got 2 paragraphs in - can anyone tell me if the rest was funny?
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Itchy Gooch 439 9
10/06/2004 04:51 PM
Could you cover me this time cap'n?
hahaha. I love Frost-ing leprechauns.
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Sourescent Flombrero 91,274 10
10/06/2004 04:52 PM
Pardon my facetiousness, Madgoat.
But what do you think??
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Wicked Wedgie Woman 15,741 12
10/06/2004 04:59 PM
YAY. E-mail. Thanks, Declan. Returned in kind
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Madgoat 801 10
10/06/2004 05:01 PM
Pardon my facetiousness, Madgoat.
But what do you think??
Well, it got posted, so I figured there was a chance. Even a blind dog finds a bone from time to time. Or an ass to sniff.
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Oliver Chest 203,475 12
10/06/2004 05:07 PM
I want those 3 minutes back.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
10/06/2004 05:41 PM
I have to agree with John on this. Not editting was brilliant. It's hilaritude is reminiscient of Miguel of Fat Chicks in Party Hats fame. My favorite line: "...non stopedly!"
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PuggyD 48,304 12
10/06/2004 05:42 PM
So...Mookie hacked Hargrave's account again, eh?
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
10/06/2004 09:01 PM
My parents wouldn't buy us the good cereal when I was a kid, not because it was unhealthy, but because it is, by weight, the costliest thing in the market second to beef. My family grew up on oatmeal, puffed wheat (50 lb pallet for like $2), shredded wheat, corn flakes, and generic (Malt O'Meal) Cheerios. Sadly, I'm so used to them, I can't bring myself to buy the good stuff.
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Dur I'm a horny fish 1,428 9
10/07/2004 09:45 AM
Dread job well done.
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David Moss 4,125 10
10/07/2004 10:45 AM
I liked the Bran Bombs line.
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WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
10/07/2004 10:59 AM
I have a gazillion brothers and sisters and THAT is why my parents refused to buy the good cereal. Not enough to go around.
Instead we all got to fight over a plate of cold toast and drink tea.
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Cap'n Crunch 471 8
10/07/2004 11:28 AM
Arrrr... How dare you accuse me, the sailor of seven seas, creator of sugary concoctions, and the cap'n that can "make it happen," of attempting to corrupt the youth...
Anyone ever try to snort a line of ground up cereal?
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Calliope 927 10
10/07/2004 03:09 PM
Hilarious article DP!
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millie 116,984 28
10/07/2004 03:57 PM
I buy the generic "Crisp Crunch". I actually like it better than Cap'n Crunch.
Also a favorite "Crispy Hexagons" that are suppposed to be like "Crispix". I buy those because I like the name.
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dumbshit 279 9
10/07/2004 06:24 PM
Dear Cap'N'Frosthead,
You blow donkey dick
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dumbshit 279 9
10/07/2004 06:26 PM
Why do you give the pirate neg clickies he is funny and all of you are fags.
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brody 43,090 12
10/07/2004 06:36 PM
Dread job well done
Said by dur.
Thats when you know its not good. Not good at all.
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