Surreal Homosexuality -or- Random Objects are Gay
A comedy article
by PuggyD  48,304  12
09/24/2004 04:25 PM 433 views
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Having recently seen a scintillating article on the sexual orientation of breakfast mascots, it occurred to me that while this hard-hitting exposé was insightful, it didn't take things quite far enough. My friends, this trend goes far beyond breakfast: look at how many ordinary objects are clearly gay.
 Wint-O-Green Life Savers
They're not like other Life Savers, that's for damn sure. You'd think the "fruit" Life Savers are batting for the other team, but hear me out: the Fruit Savers are content to commingle with the other four fruit flavors, but Wint-O-Green are only seen with others of the same type. They are attracted to like-minded candies. Get it? "Wint-O-Green" is only one syllable away from "Hom-O-Green."
Not to mention those tight little holes they like to show off all over the place. And they seem like normal candies by the light of day ... but when it's dark, that's when they get their freak on. Their gay freak on. The sparks really fly, if you catch my drift. And I think you do. It's electric, boogie oogie oogie.
 Bumper Stickers
Or should I say, "Bump-HIM Stickers"? Think about it. They stick to the rear end. I mean, seriously. Fag it up a little more, why don't you, bumper stickers. They're tacky and flamboyant, an odd little piece of "flair." Not to mention how they frequently spout off their opinions like they have something to prove, something to hide. "Support our Troops" might as well read "I'm a good and wholesome boy, and would never touch another man like that." "My child is an honor student" means "My adopted lovechild would be capable of leading a healthy life if you'd just let the matter drop." "Soccer mom" = "Sir Gaymosexual of Queeralot."
 Powder, Coal, and Copper: Mascots of Salt Lake City Olympic Games 2004
Just look at those sickening grins. So cheerful, so happy, so ... gay? The suspicious nature of "bears" has already been addressed, but add to that a coyote and a happy bunny, and we got a big old threesome going on. A threesome that is not only homosexual, but interspecies. What kind of message is that for sports fans around the world? "Come to Utah for FreakFest 2K4, where homosexual animal crossbreeding is welcomed and celebrated. Also, they wear mittens!"
 Dictionaries
It has "dick" in the title. "DICK" IS IN THE TITLE. AM I THE ONLY SANE PERSON IN A MAD WORLD? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FELCHING!
 Light Bulbs
Shiny. Full of "light" and "warmth." Frankly, light bulbs aren't fooling anyone. Clearly, they're gay as creme brulee. I almost feel bad bringing it up since it's so obvious. I mean, everyone knows light bulbs want to suck my Coleridge. They want it bad and they don't care where they get it. One look and they get all glazed over with desire. Glassy, bulbous sluts. Know "watt" I mean?
 Paul Lynde
Straight. Now show some respect for the dead.
Puggy D is an author who prefers butter rum, vanity license plates, Izzy from Atlanta in 1996, thesauruses, candles, and Charles Nelson Reilly.
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Side-splitting
77 votes
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20 Comments on "Surreal Homosexuality -or- Random Objects are Gay"
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David Moss 4,125  10
10/07/2004 01:02 PM
You totally forgot to add doorknobs.
Also, fag.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
10/07/2004 01:21 PM
I think that talking banner ad is one ciggy from being a lesbian.
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Chi-Chi Felipe 161,353 14
10/07/2004 01:24 PM
Puggy, you rock. "Sir Gaymosexual of Queeralot." Hee hee.
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WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
10/07/2004 01:28 PM
I want that bumper sticker that syays "I Masturbate"
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NavyBoy 19,912 12
10/07/2004 01:30 PM
Here ya go Wx3.
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Oliver Chest 203,475 12
10/07/2004 01:40 PM
I like creme brulee.
Does that make me gay?
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Declan McManus, Irritated Bear 131,874 36
10/07/2004 02:20 PM
I happen to make a wonderful creme brulee.
Good article, Puggy!
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PuggyD 48,304 12
10/07/2004 02:28 PM
I <3 satire.
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PuggyD 48,304 12
10/07/2004 02:32 PM
Ok, two things:
1) The creme brulee line wasn't in my original. How's that for decisive editing on Hargave's part?
2) I like how I did this to make fun of DemoMonkey for being lame, and now it's a featured article and people are probably going to be miffed at me for the same reasons I thought his was stupid.
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WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
10/07/2004 02:36 PM
I so less than three you NavyBoy. Bumper sticker has been ordered.
This out to get some comments driving down Wlanut Street in beautiful West Philadelphia. (read:the ghetto)
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Fluro 14,139 11
10/07/2004 07:06 PM
I laughed out loud in the uni library at the "dicktonary" thing. Heaps of people looked over the cubes and I had to cough to try and over it up.
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Ragamuffin 37 8
10/07/2004 08:59 PM
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE FELCHING!
does that make any of YOU happy?
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Mavis Beacon 18,219 13
10/07/2004 09:47 PM
I think my favorite part was how Puggy wrote this article to be a dickwad to OboeMonkey and it was edited to be complementary to its parent article. Poetic justice.
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Plain Nachos - No Cheese 57,521 23
10/08/2004 07:07 AM
Puggy D is an author who prefers butter rum, vanity license plates, Izzy from Atlanta in 1996, thesauruses, candles, and Charles Nelson Reilly.
You forgot to add Coleridge.
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Bobthefreak 0 8
10/08/2004 08:58 AM
Psst, Puggy, dude-- you're not John.
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Mospaw the Indestructible Newbie 86 11
10/08/2004 12:57 PM
Methinks someone doth protest too much. How many people are in that closet with you?
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Clampit 0 9
10/08/2004 02:28 PM
Alternate bumpersticker:
"I Masturbate and I Vote (with the same hand)"
Too long...&^)
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chedder 13 8
10/09/2004 02:07 AM
It was all fun and games intel you dised lifesavers, i meen come on life savers are anything but gay. if lifesavers were a candy they would be pimping mack dadys
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PuggyD 48,304 12
10/09/2004 02:09 AM
"Until" I dissed Life Savers? They were first on the list.
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Jax In The Tesseract 8 12
06/02/2010 07:10 AM
Yes Ollie, it does.
DECLAN!!!!
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