Observations from the State Fair
A comedy article
by Minced Lamb Fondue  33,017  9
07/24/2006 09:54 PM 256 views
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I went to the state fair with a couple of friends this weekend for the first time in a few years. Overall, a good time was had by all, but I noticed some things this year that I was apparently oblivious to in former years.
Number one: everyone is waiting for the chance to grope you. I was molested by adults, children and inanimate objects throughout the day. First, I was riding the Ferris Wheel, and the 5-year-old sitting next to me in the cramped cage felt the need to rest his arm in my lap and occasionally clamp down on my inner thigh when the cage swung slightly in either direction. I can understand being afraid of heights, but come on! This little player was going for the goods, and he wasn't being shy about it either! Then I was getting on another ride that had a row of hanging seats with humps in each seat to separate your legs for when you are spinning around upside down and what not. As I was positioning my tush carefully over the seat, the guy next to me plops into his seat, thrusting the hump of my seat into my crotch! I was raped by a seat. And what's worse, there was nobody to press charges on! Then, later on in the day, a guy bumps into my shoulder as he is passing me in the crowd, stops, then bumps into me again. Then he says to me, "well, aren't you a tall glass of water!" Okay now, six foot three may be unusually tall for a girl, but why would someone feel the need to bump into me twice in order to make such a statement? Did he think this was a compliment or an insult? I could feel the rage boiling in my blood as I thought of the others who had done me wrong that day. I turned to him and said at the top of my lungs "I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AT THE STATE FAIR FOR THE LAST TIME!" And then, like the other miscreants who cop a feel and either blame it on the crowd or vanish into the anonymity of it, he turned and left. My advice to you is: guard your goods.
Number two: the people who get stuck carrying the stuffed animals bigger than a canoe are very bitter individuals. It's never the person who actually wins the giant orange and purple snail who carries it. No. It is the parent/boyfriend/older sibling who has this duty. They are easily recognizable by their look of total resentment and hatred.
Number three: sausage on a stick is really good, but eating it (no matter how secure the straight male) makes you look gay. I wanted to go up to each guy I saw sucking on a long, hot, juicy piece of throbbing meat and grade their technique. For the guy who shoves the whole top into his mouth and pulls it out with no outer skin, "5.4 - a little toothy but nice control of gag reflex." For the guy who slathers on the barbeque sauce and goes for it all at once, "2.5 - come on man, that's just sloppy...put a little effort into it. And for heaven's sake, pace yourself!" And for the guy who has waited all year long for the fair so he can finally have his sausage on a stick in all its greasy goodness and is savoring each and every morsel with a look of total completion, "9.6 - your partner must be very proud." Of course this final guy would probably smile and squeeze the knee of his gay partner in knowing agreement.
 And lastly, number four: I finally figured out why Big Tex has given me the creeps all these years. He speaks in the third person. Never trust anyone who speaks in the third person. They are masking their severe image problems and lack of self esteem with a shallow facade that wreaks of melodrama. That or, well..."Big Tex" is also the name of his "sausage on a stick".
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
33 votes
4.9
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19 Comments on "Observations from the State Fair"
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Whistler P. McManus 185,953  44
11/03/2004 06:46 PM
First!
Good job, Lambchop.
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Livewire 78,229 13
11/03/2004 07:29 PM
Male dominance of article writing was ruining Gab. Most outstanding.
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Mr. Bri-hamloaf 38,843 10
11/03/2004 09:15 PM
<action>bumps into Lamburger</action>
You sure that five year old wasn't just a perverted midget in disguise?
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Chris 'Darkmeat' Garrett, human turkey baster! 86,932 12
11/03/2004 09:27 PM
I clicked not only for the HOT story, but especially for the picture of you and the sausage..
So. Turned. On.
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Trae - Gobble Gobble! 156,785 17
11/03/2004 09:37 PM
ACK! The pics are out of order in this article.....pic number 1 looks like it should be AFTER pic #2...AFTER you ate ALL the snausages.
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Lamburger 33,017 9
11/03/2004 11:59 PM
ACK! The pics are out of order in this article.....pic number 1 looks like it should be AFTER pic #2...AFTER you ate ALL the snausages.
Harsh, Trae! You know the camera adds 10 lbs...
Or could it be that Chris Garrett is finally paying ME some attention, hmm?
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Plain Nachos - No Cheese 57,521 23
11/04/2004 08:57 AM
He speaks in the third person. Never trust anyone who speaks in the third person. They are masking their severe image problems and lack of self esteem with a shallow facade that wreaks of melodrama.
Is this your subtle way of psycho-analysing some of our more photophobic denizens?
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Mash Taters with Gravy 171,270 14
11/04/2004 09:11 AM
Lamburger- excellent! Youre gorgeous! Please tell me that other girl is Charlotte. Oh please, oh please, oh please.
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Chris 'Darkmeat' Garrett, human turkey baster! 86,932 12
11/04/2004 09:13 AM
"I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AT THE STATE FAIR FOR THE LAST TIME!"
Ok.....well, then are you up for being sexually assaulted in New Hampshire?
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Trae - Gobble Gobble! 156,785 17
11/04/2004 09:15 AM
I was just kidding you Lambie. It's ok though, if you want CG you can have my sloppy seconds.
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Mash Taters with Gravy 171,270 14
11/04/2004 09:18 AM
Youre kidding? What the hell do you think this is, a comedy website?
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Lamburger 33,017 9
11/04/2004 11:30 AM
Sorry Chance, that girl isn't my sister. She's just a friend.
CG- I'm ready to be "assaulted" now. I finally found a good Thanksgiving name. (Thanks Trae!)
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Mash Taters with Gravy 171,270 14
11/04/2004 11:37 AM
Dammit! Well, is she chubby? Please say she is. If she isn't lie.
I just want to know if Godot is a chubby chaser or not. Actually I want to believe he is a chubby chaser.
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Mash Taters with Gravy 171,270 14
11/04/2004 11:43 AM
Chris honey, no one makes Trae wait. I think it was in the rules you abided to when you joined.
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Trae - Gobble Gobble! 156,785 17
11/04/2004 11:45 AM
Yes, it's the little known 11th Commandment.
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OniSyphon 16 8
11/05/2004 08:42 AM
You can't blame the people, the way you were eating that sausage on a stick was so hussy like.
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