WARNING: This article contains goatse and is not suitable for small children, the elderly, people with heart conditions, or, well, anyone. Viewer discretion is advised.

Often times, people will ask me what I do in my spare time. You know, when I'm not entertaining the masses as my character "newwave" on the popular sitcom GAB, seen Sundays at 11:30 on the ZUG network. Well, I'll tell you.

My most recent exploit: putting goatse in the supermarket.

It started off like this: my easily amused friends and I were taking a leisurely stroll through the store when we spotted a rack of cheese recipes. You could take a free index card sized recipe featuring Brie, Romano, Parmesan, or my personal pick: Goat Cheese. We thought it would be funny to snap a picture and alter it so the Goat Cheese turned into Goatse. [seen at right] Well, I did that, and it was mildly amusing, but we craved more. Much, much, more, like the sick bastards that we are.

I thought it'd be even more fun if I scanned in the original goat cheese recipe card and added goatse to it. See here:

Some may argue that I did not spend enough time on the conversion, as you can see a bit of sloppiness in the lettering, but to those people I say "pshaw" as well as "hey, it's not like they're going to be admiring my Photoshop skills; they're going to be gazing upon goatse." (The astute reader will also note that I had to flip the goatse man horizontally so he wouldn't be obscured by the "great new recipe" sunburst.)

I giggled like a schoolgirl for perhaps too long, then printed the card out and set forth on the task of ages. I hid the goatse recipe card inside my too geeky cool for school calculator checkbook, and ambled down the aisles. We thought it would be a simple in-and-out operation, but we were wrong.

What first appeared to be a customer turned out to be the cheese lady! She would sit there and stock and rotate cheeses and tarry for what seemed like hours. (Time actually spent: probably 2 minutes.) We had to look like we had legitimate business at the store, so we wandered around and picked up some drinks. When we came back, not only was the cheese lady there, but so was the store manager. I was almost at the point of abandonning the whole operation when the store manager and the cheese lady went off to either check in inventory or have hot hot gouda sex.

Either way, we had our window of opportunity! So as not to alarm the patrons of the store, I picked up a couple of the cheese recipe cards, looked like I was thoughtfully perusing them, then slipped them back, with bonus goatse card. One of my accomplices snapped the picture of success, and we headed for the front to pay for our purchases.

We (my delinquent and/or drunk friends) returned to the store to see if goatse was still there. To our surprise, it was! It's been there for about three weeks. Either no one looks at cheese recipes or no one cares that a gaping Emerson is showing off recipes. So my friend Bo, who happens to be large and drunk, picks up the goatse card and asks the cheese lady about it.

Bo: Yeah, uh, could you tell me what this is?

Cheese lady: Sure! It's a recipe.

Bo (waving it around): Yeah, what is it exactly? What is this?

Cheese lady: Looks like a recipe for..

Bo (hands it to cheese lady): What is it? I, uh, I found it over here.

Cheese lady (throws goatse card at Bo): Well you can just keep it then.

Then we hastily exited the store before she called cheese security. A successful goatse, but in the realm of real life!

Vitriol 341 9
11/15/2004 01:45 PM

Unsavory.

Dr. Chester Felipe 161,353 14
11/15/2004 01:55 PM

I like the gang sign you're throwing under your checkbook.

Chris 'Darkmeat' Garrett, human turkey baster! 86,932 12
11/15/2004 02:05 PM

Wow..you are my hero.



Can I get one of those cards?

Yummy Chickens in Giblet Gravy 286,527 61
11/15/2004 02:11 PM

I'm torn between:



"You had me at hot hot gouda sex"



or my new favorite Gab lexicon phrase:



Clickie Trigger: hot hot gouda sex

Chicken Little 57 8
11/15/2004 02:13 PM

ewww1! goatse is gross!

Yummy Chickens in Giblet Gravy 286,527 61
11/15/2004 02:14 PM

Either way, the Gabber side of me says HOW FRIGGIN AWESOME, whereas the shopping father side of me says WHERE THE Frost DO YOU LIVE YOU SICKO? I'LL KILL YOU!

A cornucopia of... newwave 45,912 10
11/15/2004 02:38 PM

Chris: Sure, or you can print your own out. E-mail me and I'll send you the full size, uncensored, totally gross goatse cheese image, suitable for printing.



Chickens: You forget I live within a half hour's drive of you. I should have invited you to come out and look at it while it was still there.

Hammerhead-O-Lantern 59,399 14
11/15/2004 03:56 PM

Idea: A

Intermixing of gaping Emerson into everyday life: A-

Follow up inspection: C

Having to complete the joke yourself by showing the cheese lady the card: F

Article delivery: C



Overall grade: C



I'll give you props for the idea, however, it would have been better to lie in wait for victims to see the card, and snap pictures of the ensuing hilarity.



Clickie given.

New_turKey_Baster 76,490 10
11/15/2004 04:52 PM

So what was the recipe?



<action>is hungry</action>

Jerk wants Puddin for Christmas 4,016 9
11/15/2004 04:59 PM

As your next prank, you should look for soup receipes and incorporate tubgirl.

Mr. Bri-hamloaf 38,843 10
11/15/2004 05:20 PM

It was a recipe...for disaster.

(Insert wit here) 375 8
11/15/2004 05:49 PM

Wow I'm glad I came here and saw the goatse man small before he could scare the pants off me full screen. It's quite as bad as I imangined it. Thank you very much!

Roasted Raccoon 56,688 10
11/15/2004 06:38 PM

Newwave, you have big brass bollocks.

Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
11/15/2004 06:44 PM

ballsy as all Frost!



But you really gotta find some of the sticker paper, and actually buy some goat cheese for the label, copy that onto the sticker and change it out at the supermarket (with the newly made goatse lables of course)