The Mailman: ringing twice, as always 176,450 56
11/22/2004 12:41 AM

Q. What do you call an ugly woman with no teeth, a peg leg, a glass eye, and who smells like dead fish ?



A. You don't.

Humphrey B Making a List and Checking it Twice. 51,764 12
11/22/2004 12:46 AM

Q. What do you call a hose that can suck a golf ball through a woman?



A. Liposuction

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/22/2004 12:46 AM

Q. What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?



A. A quarter pounder with cheese!

Humphrey B Making a List and Checking it Twice. 51,764 12
11/22/2004 12:50 AM

Q. What's the quickest thing on earth?



A. An Ethiopian with a McDonalds voucher.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/22/2004 12:50 AM

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's wrong with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning wanting something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."



The owner says, "You idiot! You don't treat a cough with laxatives!"



The clerk says, "well look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

Wonder Bread and Butter 3,319 10
11/22/2004 12:57 AM

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?



A. Megasoreass

Tina Phley 131,068 34
11/22/2004 01:15 AM

What do you call a gay Cosby kid that's also a dinosaur and also a book that tells you words that mean the same things as other words?



Thesoreass Theosorua Theosau-



Hey wanna ride bikes?

Napkin is Running Out of Handles 30,762 12
11/22/2004 02:30 AM

What's the quickest way to a man's heart?



Shotgun blast to the chest.

maggaratti 233 8
11/22/2004 04:37 AM

Sam and Dave want to go to the pub but don't have enough money for beer. Sam goes to the butcher's shop and buys a sausage with the money they had.



"What the hell did you do that for, now we have no money!" Dave says.



"I have a plan." Sam says and drags Dave into the pub and orders a pitcher of beer.



The men drink the beer then Sam takes out the sausage and sticks it in his pants.



"Suck on this and we'll be fine."



So Dave gets down and starts sucking on the sausage and the bar man throws them out. They go to ten pubs and each time they do the same stunt with the sausage, getting thrown out of each pub.



"That was great, I'm so drunk and we didn't have to pay for any of the beer. This is the best night of my life." Dave slurs.



Sam looks at Dave and grins.



"You're telling me, I lost the sausage at the third pub."

Achtung! Nerd in a Panzer! 27,000 12
11/22/2004 04:46 AM

So this man walks into a bar, and goes ow!!



And then he sues the bar for emotional and physical distress. He then makes hundreds of thousands of dollars because the owner of the bar couldn't pay the lawyer to represent him and loses the case. The man who hurt himself by blindly walking into the bar spent all of his money earned on a hooker named Nyviestra, who actually gave him herpes. He died four days later in the middle of a video game.

maggaratti 233 8
11/22/2004 07:26 AM

At 6:30 pm in the backyard of a good old Queenslander house, sat two blondes. The first blonde turned to the second blonde and said, "Hey, which do you reckon is closer? Melbourne or the Moon?"



Then the second blonde turned to the first blonde and replied, "Well HEL - LO? Can you see Melbourne from here?".

maggaratti 233 8
11/22/2004 07:54 AM

The Hunchback of Notre Dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer.



A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. "But you've got no arms.. you can't do this job!" says the church leader.



The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can.. I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.



He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead. He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.



"Who is that guy?" one person says. "I don't know" says another, "but his face sure rings a bell.."

Sy the photo guy 6,547 10
11/22/2004 01:47 PM

The Hunchback of Notre Dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer.



A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. "But you've got no arms.. you can't do this job!" says the church leader.



The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can.. I'll do it with my mouth!" So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.



He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead. He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.



"Who is that guy?" one person says. "I don't know" says another, "but his face sure rings a bell.."



The next day, his twin brother comes in and applies for the same job. The Vicar reluctantly agrees, as the brother also has no arms, and sure enough, first day on the job, the bell throws him out of the tower. A crowd gathers, and someone says, "He sure looks familiar." Someone answers "Well, of course! He's a dead ringer for his brother!"

Oliver Chest 203,475 12
11/22/2004 01:57 PM

How many dead babies can you fit into the glove box of a car?





















Seven.

Seth G. 161,353 14
11/22/2004 01:59 PM

What's the definition of gross ignorance?



One hundred forty-four Frenchmen.

MaddMatt _Steely-eyed Warrior/Poet 15,437 9
11/22/2004 02:27 PM

The teacher gave an assignment to her class. "Ask your parents for a family story that has a moral lesson to it."



When it was Johnny's turn to present his story, he stood up in front of the class and read the following;



"My parents told me about something that happened to my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a pilot in the Gulf War.One day on a mission she was shot down over enemy territory. She ejected safely from the airplane and, as she was floating down, she remembered that she had a pint of whiskey she had hidden in her flight suit. She quickly drank the entire bottle and threw it as hard as she could, so they would'nt find it with her. As she hit the ground, twenty enemy soldiers were running towards her. She pulled her pistol and shot 15 of them dead. She then pulled her survival knife and killed 4 more before she lost the knife. She ended up having to kill the last one with her bare hands before she could get away!"



The teacher was in shock at hearing this and asked Johnny, "What could possibly be the moral to this story?"



Johnny replied, "Don't piss off Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking!"

dropkick brody 43,090 12
11/22/2004 02:34 PM

Whats blue and Frosts grannies?



Hypothermia.

RedstaR I'm not a communist 1,068 8
11/22/2004 03:19 PM

An old married couple are walking in the park when they happen upon a wishing well. The well has a sign on it that says make a wish, spit in the well, and it will come true. So the man spits in the well and looks at his wife but nothing happens. So then the woman leans over to spit in the well but she leans over to far, falls in and dies. And the man says "Hot damn it does work!"

RedstaR I'm not a communist 1,068 8
11/22/2004 03:32 PM

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks?





Slap her and tell her to get back to work.

RedstaR I'm not a communist 1,068 8
11/22/2004 03:33 PM

Why doesn't a woman need a wrist watch?





There's perfectly good clock on the oven.

RedstaR I'm not a communist 1,068 8
11/22/2004 03:35 PM

What's your problem if your woman keeps coming outta the kitchen and into the den to nag you?





Her leash is too long.

Hppy Npkn 30,762 12
11/22/2004 10:06 PM

Hey Redstar, we don't take too kindly to jokes about wife beating. Women are men's equals and can do everything a man can and even more. If you are going to be sexist like that then this is not the place for you.



So, how many dead babies does it take to fill this up?

Patrick AKA Patrick 752 9
11/22/2004 10:26 PM

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?



The 8 year old in the back of my truck.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/22/2004 10:40 PM

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington , DC this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply

have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem , however , finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
11/23/2004 01:15 AM

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and red?



A nun falling down the stairs.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/23/2004 02:27 AM

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/23/2004 02:27 AM

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

Chit From Shine-ola 178,776 15
11/23/2004 02:46 AM

Q:What does a 70 year old snatch smell like ?





A: Depends

Jajoba 1,357 10
11/23/2004 06:56 AM

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?



A. Megasoreass



And a lesbian one is called a lickalotapuss.

Daggy's on the naughty list 86,705 14
11/23/2004 09:57 AM

<action>rolls eyes</action>





Der!

Underwhere? 101,393 77
11/23/2004 04:33 PM

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?



Because those men already have boyfriends.

Rambunctious_Pie 170 9
11/23/2004 07:25 PM

Three woman were sitting on a bench in the doctors office, and one woman says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top." The second says, "I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom." The last woman says, "Well damn I guess I'm having a puppy."

Munkus 2,801 10
11/23/2004 07:30 PM

How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?





A Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark.

I got Chit to be thankful for 178,776 15
11/23/2004 08:01 PM

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)

I got Chit to be thankful for 178,776 15
11/23/2004 08:01 PM

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/23/2004 10:44 PM

The little Indian boy came to his father one day asking,

"Father? How does our tribe choose names for the children?"

The father smiled, "My son, as you know our tribe lives at

one with nature. So when a child in born in our village the

father will go into the wilderness to see what sign is given

as to what he is to name the child." "Yes, Father." Said the

boy. "When the father is on this pilgrimage if he were to

see an eagle soaring high in the sky it would mean he should

name the child 'Flying Eagle'. Or perhaps the sign would be a

deer running across the meadow. Then the child would be given

the name 'Running Deer'. "Does this answer your question,

Two-Dogs-Frost-ing?"

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/23/2004 10:49 PM

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches in length. It's function is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely and ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. When used, it is inserted -- almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly -- into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.



Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.



What am I??As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own...

































































toothbrush.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/24/2004 01:01 AM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her

nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.



"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."



Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his

name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows

the bank manager.



Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.



The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,

about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.



Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank

manager and disappears into a back office.



She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to

use this as collateral."



She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(you're gonna love this)















(its a real treat)















(a masterpiece)















(wait for it)



















The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a

Rolling Stone."

Rambunctious_Pie 170 9
11/24/2004 01:13 AM

During science class a professor is talking about the high sugar count in seaman when one of his students raises her hand. She asks, "If there's so much sugar in seaman, why doesn't it taste sweet?" Everyone starts to laugh at her, and when she realized what she was implying, she ran for the door. Right before she left the professor replied, "Because your sweet taste buds are at the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat."

Adrian von Headcrab 13,341 13
11/24/2004 01:23 AM

<action>Holds up sign saying"Warning! Racist joke ahead!"</action>



Q What's black and brown and looks good on a negro?



A A dobermann pincher.





Q What signifies a Ethiopian virgin?



A She runs faster than her father and brothers.

millie will bring the pies 116,988 28
11/24/2004 01:28 AM

Seamen are salty...



and sweet!

Rambunctious_Pie 170 9
11/24/2004 01:32 AM

I wish stuff like that would happen more often.

Oliver Turkeybreast 203,475 12
11/24/2004 01:33 AM

What's pink, purple, green, and picks cotton?





















I'll paint muh Ogden Nashes wuteva color I wan!

Rambunctious_Pie 170 9
11/24/2004 01:42 AM

So true.

Underwhere? 101,393 77
11/24/2004 10:11 AM

How do we know that the toothbrush was invented by Southerners?



If it was made in the North, it would have been called a "teethbrush."

I got Chit to be thankful for 178,776 15
11/24/2004 10:39 AM

Q: What's the difference between an airship and 365 blowjobs?





A: One is a Goodyear, and the other's a Frost-ing excellent year .

maggaratti 233 8
11/24/2004 12:34 PM

There were three guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash. They each had to throw one item out:

The first guy threw out an apple.

The second one threw out a bannana.

The third one threw out a bomb.

There were three guys below them. Two were crying, one was laughing.

A guy went up to the first one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the second one and asked, "Why are you crying?" He answered, "a Bannana hit me on the head.

"He went up to the third one and asked, "Why are you laughing?" He answered, "I farted and my house blew up!"

maggaratti 233 8
11/24/2004 12:38 PM

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks surprised and says, "You have a drink named Steve?"

maggaratti 233 8
11/24/2004 12:44 PM

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

maggaratti 233 8
11/24/2004 01:15 PM

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said...







































"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

I got Chit to be thankful for 178,776 15
11/24/2004 01:50 PM

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A. A mechanic!

Chilly Willy - Power Lurker 87 8
11/24/2004 02:16 PM

Three guys are sitting around in the second story of a bar. The first guy starts talking about the freaky wind currents that gust around this particular bar. To prove it he jumps out the window and is blown back inside the building. The second guy can't believe what he just saw and gets the first guy to do it again. This continues on throughout the night until the second guy decides to try for himself. He jumps out the window, falls to the ground and dies. The third guy, silent till now, says:





























"You sure are a mean drunk Superman"

Underwhere? 101,393 77
11/24/2004 02:39 PM

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?



Ask your mother.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/24/2004 03:50 PM

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail

storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do.

The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it.



The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money.



She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit.



"What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.



"I'm blowing into the tailpipe to pop all these dents out of my

car," explained the first blonde.



"Well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.



"Why not?" asked the first blonde.



"Because you've got to roll up the windows first."

Aimless 54,807 10
11/24/2004 05:19 PM

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"



The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/24/2004 10:21 PM

Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/24/2004 10:26 PM

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad

attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's

mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried

to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,

by playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up"

the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled

back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in

the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a

minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the

freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I

believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm

sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable

behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about

to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,

the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Captain Yesterday 1,412 10
11/25/2004 04:16 AM

It's late, Chit is a thread thief, and here is my joke:



Q. What do you call nuts on the wall?













A. Wallnuts





Q. What do you call nuts on your chest?













A. Chestnuts.





Q. What do you call nuts on your chin?











A. A dick in yo' mouth!!!

AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/25/2004 05:20 AM

+------ Mistakes From New English Language Students -------+



"I was walking to school and suddenly a beautiful woman cut

my eye."



"She said she doesn't like fringe kissing. She prefers kiss-

ing men without tongues."



"He always erupts before I am finished talking."



"We were lovers, but now she is my biggest enema!"



"My father met us at the airport and gave me a big hog. Then

he hogged my wife."



"We live on the sex floor. Our apartment is small but we have

a nice view."



"He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss."



"Unfortunately, the school board was forced to cut fifteen

percent off all teachers."



"Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!"



"I like you. My other tutor won't correct my grandma."



"It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high

into the air."



"Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a

car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it."



"You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you

can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my

friends do when they visit.