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 I've been hiding in my cave licking my wounds for a few months, so I haven't been invited to a lot of parties recently. (And the first one to say "Recently?" gets crotchpunched, ok?). That's why when I got a call last Saturday asking if I wanted to come to a little get together, it seemed like a really good idea, just what I needed. As it turns out, it was - but not for the reasons I expected.
I should explain, the group that invited me are what I call my "junior friends", a bunch of barely-into-college people whom I know because of some common interests. They're a nice bunch of guys and girls, though admittedly, some of them are not the sharpest quills in the inkwell. Because I am, ummm, marginally older than they are, in that particular circle I'm the responsible one.
Stop laughing.
As a result, I was nominated designated driver for the evening. I was somewhat mystified by this because it was a house party and almost everyone was staying over, but it wasn't really a big issue to me. The reason should have become quite clear however when one of the girls at the party, who I hadn't met before, got the call. (Her cell phone played the theme from COPS. This should have been a clue.) "Can you give me a drive?" she asked, batting her eyes prettily at me, "I have to meet my brother and get...something.".
"No problem", I replied, nice guy that I am. I noticed everyone passing her a couple of bucks just before we left, but thought nothing of it. In defense of my obliviousness I can only plead that she was wearing studded jeans so tight it looked like two denim anacondas were devouring her ass. I suspected that if I were a few years older she would have been half my age, and if she were a few years younger, this story would've been admissible as evidence.
So we drove off into the night, with everyone at the party urging us to hurry back as quickly as possible. The destination was a bar so disreputable looking I was astonished it wasn't sealed with police tape, the sort of place you just know will have a slippery brass pole and spittoons inside. I followed the young lady into the dive, fearing for her safety in such a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and jokingly remarked "You're way too young to be in a place like this." Without breaking stride she replied "Don't worry, I have fake ID."
...oh god...
So I slink into the bar, feeling as if I were wearing a trench coat and cut-off pant legs, and stand near her as she talks to her "brother." She passes him 10 dollars, and asks for "you know, it". He reaches into a jacket pocket, takes out a small plastic baggie filled with clumped vegetation, and tells her to take a handful. And it's at this point I realize they truly are brother and sisters because they start arguing, quietly but with the barely contained fury only family can inspire. "Don't you have an extra bag or anything, moron?" she hisses. "It's not MY problem, I'm doing you a favour. Just take it and go, bitch!" he spits back. So she reaches into the bag, pulls out a closed fist, and then motions me to go.
Nothing focuses the mind quite so completely on obeying all applicable traffic laws and speed limits as transporting an underage girl with fake ID and a fistful of pot.
Once back at the party, and after a brief pause for my heart to stop attempting to leap from my chest and perform selections from "Riverdance", the question of what to do with the weed arose. Way back in the primitive days of my youth it would be rolled into joints or someone would volunteer the use of a pipe. This, apparently, was far too simple for these merry wanksters. They placed the weed securely in the cellophane bubble of a discarded battery package (I wish I was lying) and began attempting to construct a custom smoking device from common household items.
As near as I could tell, the requisite materials were:
One 2-litre plastic pop bottle, empty
One hunting knife, dull
One enormous red plastic bucket, with ducks on the side
One square of tinfoil, peeled from what may or may not have originally been a meatloaf.
Two large paperclips, in bubblegum pink
3 barbecue lighters, butane
6 litres of hose water, lukewarm
1 litre of vodka, wasted
Ten dollars worth of "it" compressed into a sweat soaked clump
Interestingly, the pop bottle was the biggest stumbling block during construction, primarily because it was still full of Diet Coke. Pouring the entire bottle into a large basin and making the worlds largest, and foamiest, rum and "coke" solved this minor obstacle. The entire basin was then consumed in about 4 minutes time. Fueled by ethanol, the assembled junior edisons then embarked on a whirlwind of construction that was as energetic as it was incompetent. Shreds of both plastic and dignity flew furiously as, with a single-minded determination that was awesome to behold, the Hinden-bong began to take form. In the space of 10 short minutes four injuries were incurred, one of which I would not have believed possible if I hadn't actually witnessed it.
After helping out by applying burn ointment to the appropriate ankle, I eagerly removed myself to the porch and got myself a seat on the sidelines for the rest of the floorshow. I didn't have long to wait.
At last the ringleader of my merry band of stoners, who I shall henceforth refer to as "Bong-gyver", announced that the makeshift device was complete. Soon the sweet, sweet oblivion of illicit ganja would flow, deliciously liquid cooled, into their eager lungs. Sadly, this was not to be. What followed bore less resemblance to "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle" than it did to a National Geographic special on tool using monkeys attempting to get edible grubs from a log.
Here are some of the conversational gems overheard as I watched my friends gather worshipfully around their creation like a secret society of retarded druids. Names are omitted to protect the profoundly stupid.
"It's too wet. We need bigger fire!"
"Ok, I'll tell you how to do it. You need to put your lips around the top and make a really tight seal. Now suck! No, don't push down too hard or you'll get liquid in your mouth." (I fell out of my chair at that one)
"My ongue! I burr my ucking ongue!"
"It's my turn." (It wasn't)
"Y' know, If we put papier mache and sparkle paste on it would be just like the volcano I made in grade 8."
"It's too dry! We need smaller fire!"
"I dropped it!" (Picture all of them frantically crawling on their knees in the dark while I wonder if it's actually possible to die of laughter) "Here. Is this pot?" "No. That's a rock."
"It's my turn!" (It wasn't)
"Oh man. I am so stowed."
"Why does my mouth taste like meat?"
"Is THIS pot?" "I dunno. See if it burns."
"It's still my turn!" (It still wasn't, but the concept of "clockwise" was rather beyond them at this point)
And finally...
"DON'T DRINK THE BONG VODKA!"
It was the single least competent attempt to get high I have ever witnessed. I didn't indulge, but then, I didn't need to. I haven't stopped giggling since.
They call it dope for a reason.
(Legal Disclaimer: None of this story actually happened. It is a complete work of fiction. I do not now, nor have I ever, condoned or participated in illegal activities such as underage drinking, drug purchasing, or the unauthorized use of sparkle paste. Any resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely co-incidental. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.)
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
86 votes
5.0
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17 Comments on "Bong-gyver"
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Seth Gravy 161,353  14
11/26/2004 10:44 PM
Damn you Canadians and your well developed senses of humor!
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Seth Gravy 161,353 14
11/26/2004 10:45 PM
I'm sorry, "humour."
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Tabula Rasa 14,056 9
11/26/2004 10:58 PM
Now we know why Chi-Chi approves articles- so he can be first to post every time.
Good job, Mr. Demo Monkey Man. Silly canook.
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Seth Gravy 161,353 14
11/27/2004 01:07 AM
Announcing the fact that you are frist to pots is one of my least favorite things. In fact, if I approve an article on a busy day there are like five posts on it before I hit "approve."
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Hppy Npkn 30,762 12
11/27/2004 05:34 AM
Hee-hee, Seth Macy is DRUNKED!
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Flourescent Sombrero 91,274 10
11/27/2004 01:15 PM
Good 'ol gravity bong, eh.
Good article, Demo!
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Piemaster - Xmastime at the Kwiky-Mart 12,538 15
11/27/2004 05:52 PM
I will have the balls of all you liberal pot smoking Canadians!!
</ChickensLila Monster>
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chedder 13 8
11/27/2004 10:21 PM
i could have made a better bong. in half the time to.
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Billy the Punk 277 8
11/27/2004 10:38 PM
My grandma could have made a better bong in half the time. And for a dead woman, that's damned impressive.
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millie 116,988 28
11/27/2004 11:44 PM
<action>vaguely remembers bongs, rolling joints, dope-smoking...</action>
Don't they have head shops in Canada?
Are there still head shops?
Those kids sound too dumb to be smoking pot. They have precious few brain cells as it is.
And anyway, wouldn't it have been easier to whip up some brownies if they didn't know how to smoke it? Or muffins.
Yum... muffins...
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
11/29/2004 11:57 AM
I just thought I should take a quick moment to thank Chi Chi for the picture, his contribution to this article.
Thank you approval master!
(PS: If you could find a picture of a heroin syringe superimposed on Celine Dion, that would be super.
No reason...)
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Jesus is so damn awesome Nubutter 181,311 35
11/29/2004 12:00 PM
I made a pipe out of an cucumber and a sink screen once.
Yeah, I was pretty cool back then.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
11/29/2004 12:50 PM
Target apparently sells this.
And you get free shipping if you order $30 or more.
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Christmas Chickens in Every Stocking 286,527 61
11/29/2004 01:50 PM
If you can't make a pipe out of a beer can you might as well flush your stash.
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micki 21 8
12/27/2004 06:48 PM
I can't believe they didn't just use an empty toilet paper roll. I had a friend once tell me that another friend had used one and after his friend 'used it' and passed it on he noticed it had (what is the word?) Shakespeare (I think). Needless to say, he didn't feel the need to 'use it' himself. Apparently someone ran out of toilet paper and didn't bother to put it into the trash after they used it. Gross!
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asdfasdfkj 218 0
05/10/2005 06:23 PM
LOLOOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
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Traclo 82 9
05/13/2005 06:05 PM
asdfasdfkj please don't write lol again. That word makes me angry at all the stupid people in the world.
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