Observations from the Gyno
A comedy article
by Lamburger  33,017  9
11/30/2004 11:35 AM 1002 views
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 I have always dreaded going the gyno in the way most people dread going to the dentist. So when I went in for my annual feminine exam this week, I decided to figure out why. Overall, the whole process isn't so bad. But, there are a few key things I have found that taint the whole experience.
First, peeing into a cup. Apparently, it is not a good idea to empty your bladder before going to the gyno. Trying to produce a bit of pee when there is none to be had is quite a task indeed! They may as well ask me to produce a full pee tube for an article on Zug.com! So I drink about a half a gallon of water and jump up and down a few times. I listen to water trickle from the faucet. I imagine myself swimming in a great fountain. 30 minutes later, I position myself over the toilet and hold out the plastic cup. I strain and squirm with all my might, about to lose all hope and just bribe the nurse standing outside for her pee, when suddenly the flood gates are opened, and the spray comes forth. I sigh in relief and look down at the cup. Empty. Well, almost empty. There is pee to about the centimeter line. However I did manage to drench my hands, the outside of the cup, the toilet seat and my shoes. I wipe the sweat from my brow and the dripping pee from the cup and put it in the tray.
Next, the breast exam. Could there be anything more awkward? I am told to get naked and put on a paper gown that opens in the front. At this point I feel like a pastry. My delicious goods all wrapped up in paper yet exposed in just the right places. I lay down on the table, and the doctor begins. As I go away to my special place, I try to think happy thoughts. I mean, if you think about it, there is nothing quite like a good fondling in the afternoon, right? My co-workers are pouring over paperwork and taking phone calls. Poor souls! And here I am, reclined and getting my boobs massaged! Ugh. I wish she wouldn't keep asking me questions. Okay the moment is ruined. Now I know how cows feel when they are milked. Lay off would ya? NO MILK FOR YOU. The doctor insists I learn how to fondle myself. I must do it monthly to make sure I don't get cancer. Sweet, sweet breast cancer. I have a family history of it, so I must be extra thorough in my monthly self-fondling. I think to myself that it feels a bit like rolling dough or trying to make that perfect snowball. After an uncomfortably long time, I am informed I have "perky breasts." I am dumb struck. Why would she tell me this? Have I merely been a human stress ball for this woman?! She explains that women who drink a lot of caffeine tend to have perkier breasts. It is about this time, I am wishing I were drinking vodka. The doctor is astonished that I don't drink a lot of caffeine because my breasts are just so. darned. perky. She is still fondling them of course. And since caffeine cannot be attributed to the perkiness, we decide it is because of my young age. Finally, she stops. As I lay there, spent, I realize that I have just paid a woman to get to third base with me.
At last, dun dun dun, the pelvic exam. By now I figure, why not? To stop now...why I'd just be a tease! I've already let her grope me for 15 minutes- hell, let's go all the way! So I put my feet in the stirrups. I pretend I'm five years old and saddling up on my favorite plastic pony carousel ride. Wheeeee! Unfortunately, this is a much different ride. The speculum (the metal duck-bill shaped object they shove up your vagina to hold it open) is cold! Duck my ass! That thing is a penguin. But not just any penguin. I imagine The Penguin from Batman with his evil grin, jabbing his cane into my innards, cackling hysterically. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP. The doctor asks if I'm feeling any discomfort. ANY DISCOMFORT? Why of COURSE NOT. You're only VIOLATING ME with a POPSICLE. Why would there be any DISCOMFORT?! I tell her I'm fine, but wish she'd hurry. And just like that, it was over. How typical. Five minutes of ramming, and I sure as hell didn't get off.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
74 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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Styles McFresh 161,353  14
11/30/2004 04:37 PM
Funny stuff.
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0 votes
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Vitriol 341 9
11/30/2004 04:46 PM
Uh, she said "taint".
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0 votes
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Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
11/30/2004 05:06 PM
Third base is fondling? I thought it was fingering.
A popcicle stick? Mine uses a Q-tip thingie.
5 minutes to get a scrap of cervical tissue? Mine is over in seconds.
Did you get the rectal? That's my favorite part.
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0 votes
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Mechman 119 8
11/30/2004 05:23 PM
One of the best articles I've read.
Hard to beat, unless John manages to get a doctor to call him "perky"
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0 votes
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Green and Red Sombrero 91,274 10
11/30/2004 05:25 PM
I will humbly volunteer to provide a second opinion, if you like.
I'm just that kinda guy, yknow..
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
11/30/2004 05:32 PM
NO MILK FOR YOU.
You made me make the snorty laugh.
Kudos.
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0 votes
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Lamburger 33,017 9
11/30/2004 05:35 PM
Funny stuff.
Thanks Chi Chi. And thanks for the quick turn-around! I think less than one day waiting is a new record!
Hey! I have a penis!
Thus, this article lacks universal appeal....
Hahaha, it's about time you men were forced to see what we women have to put up with!
Did you get the rectal? That's my favorite part.
No, actually... Maybe your gyno is just into that.
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0 votes
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AussieSarah 8,390 9
11/30/2004 06:04 PM
Lambuger , don't you just love the running commentary the gyno give you !
My gyno keeps trying to get my husband come into the exam room "its really quite fascinating" .
I'm sorry but after you've gone to the toilet in front of someone and performed various acrobatically acts [when putting on pantyhose ] , the fascination is usually long gone .
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0 votes
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Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
11/30/2004 06:05 PM
Ahhh yesssss... you're younger then me. Sorry to spoil the surprise for what you have to look forward to.
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The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
11/30/2004 08:28 PM
I remember my first visit. Not with fondness of course.
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Humphrey B Making a List and Checking it Twice 51,764 12
11/30/2004 08:45 PM
...women who drink a lot of caffeine tend to have perkier breasts.
I am surprised she did not mention that women that use Absolut bottles as sex toys tend to have cavernous vaginas. It's true. I've seen!
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0 votes
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Lunchbox and the Well-Hung Candycane of Justice 14,650 10
11/30/2004 09:24 PM
5 minutes to get a scrap of cervical tissue? Mine is over in seconds.
yes, well trae, your cervix is flappy, cascading artfully down your thigh. Of course its easy to get a scrap of your cervical tissue.
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0 votes
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millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/01/2004 03:14 AM
I am informed I have "perky breasts."
At least she didn't say you have "gland-y breasts", which the women who used to do my exam for about ten years said every Frost-ing time.
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0 votes
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Delightful Delirium 296 9
04/24/2005 02:39 AM
EMOTICON!!!
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0 votes
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jennscarbie 0 8
04/29/2005 08:37 PM
I too, LOVE the gyno exam. I put it off for months, then finally drag my feet the whole 20 yards across the street from my work (hospital) to see him. Yes, him, my Dr. is a small asian man, softspoken and thorough, ew. They do talk about the strangest things, like fried chicken, and the length of my toes. I have long toes, which I twine around the stirrips the better to keep from jumping off the dang table and running screaming from the room. However, he does put the 'hooter jack' as we call it into a bath of warm water before hand, thereby making it not so cold.
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Hilarious
5 votes
4.4
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The Rev. Dr. Big Irish Guy, Jr. 203,956 21
05/27/2009 11:51 PM
Hey Hargrave, I am bumping this thread so you can add pictures to Lamburger's story.
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0 votes
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Thud 68,468 19
05/28/2009 12:02 AM
Keep dreaming, BIG.
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Hilarious
3 votes
4.3
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FM 21-76 3,163 6
05/28/2009 12:03 AM
It's worth a shot...
Was also great reading
Third base is fondling? I thought it was fingering.
From Trae
I thought Trae's 3rd base was a courtroom battle over custody of the 4 kids?
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0 votes
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FM 21-76 3,163 6
05/28/2009 12:05 AM
WAs my fault, I forgot to close my tag
There, it should be fixxed now.
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0 votes
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FM 21-76 3,163 6
05/28/2009 12:06 AM
Frost, I broke it....
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Amusing
2 votes
1.5
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Thud 68,468 19
05/28/2009 12:07 AM
Tard.
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0 votes
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/Pram 80,722 42
05/28/2009 02:46 AM
Five minutes of ramming, and I sure as hell didn't get off.
Sounds like sex, alright. *gives her the stamp of approval*
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0 votes
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Ravos is New & Improved 63,467 21
05/28/2009 07:45 AM
That thing is a penguin. But not just any penguin. I imagine The Penguin from Batman with his evil grin, jabbing his cane into my innards, cackling hysterically.
Be thankful he didn't use the umbrella instead of the cane.
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0 votes
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Whistler P. McManus 186,016 44
05/28/2009 12:24 PM
Damn, I hadn't thought of Lamburger and her perky breasts in a long time. Now I'm going to have to take a second "lunch" break.
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