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I have always dreaded going the "male doctor" in the way most people dread going to the dentist. So when I went in for my annual masculine exam this week, I decided to figure out why. Overall, the whole process isn't so bad. But, there are a few key things I have found that taint (heh) the whole experience.
First, peeing into a cup. Apparently, it is not a good idea to empty your bladder before going to the "male doctor." Trying to produce a bit of pee when there is none to be had is quite a task indeed! Now, I don't know about you women out there, but us guys have to get what's called a "mid-stream catch." To me, it sounds like something you'd get after a day on a bass boat. We have to swab the end of our "digit" with alcohol before we start the yellow flow, then pee into the toilet, THEN shut OFF the floodgates, position the cup under Mr. Happy, and then continue. We must THEN shut Hoover Dam AGAIN and then void the remainder of our bladder into the tidy bowl again. I did manage to drench my hands, the outside of the cup, the toilet seat and my shoes. Being a typical guy, I then slowly looked around for a hidden camera, and finding none, brought my dripping fingers up to my nose, just to see if it really does smell like pee. I then exit the bathroom, without washing my hands (OF COURSE), and leave the cup on the back of the toilet.
Let me spell out part two for you.
You go into the exam room, and you wait. And wait, and wait. So, what's there to do? First, look for the camera, then begin opening cabinets to see what's inside. There you can find bandages, ointment, gloves, and little packets of KY Jelly (which always make me snicker, as I think, "Heh, stupid girls and their PELVIC exams, wimps!")
When you hear the doctor take the chart out of the rack on the other side of the closed door, quickly close all drawers and cabinets, and leap across the room to the chair...just in time.
I don't care HOW old you are, or HOW good of shape you are in, if you are a male, your doctor will tell you how to change your diet, and lose weight, and exercise more. Guaranteed.
So, after being told that again, this year, I am a flesh barge, and my heart, which is the size of a canned ham, is checked, and my lungs are listened to, and I am told to change my diet, lose weight, and exercise more, the doctor tells me to drop my pants.
At last, dun dun dun, the hernia exam! You ladies think you have it bad when you hear the two words, "pap smear," but we have FIVE words that make us shudder, and they are "TURN YOUR HEAD AND COUGH."
I don't know about anyone else, but as soon as my penis hears the doctor say "Please drop your pants," that's its cue to HIDE! No matter what, everytime I get checked for a hernia, I look like a five year-old down there. I provided a picture of a Shakespearetake mushroom, so you can imagine what it looks like.
Once, I tried to cup my hand over my junk so it wouldn't be seen...wait, who am I kidding? Let me start over...
Once, I tried to cup my pinky over my junk so it wouldn't be seen, and the doctor said, "Juuuuust let the penis swing free." Total embarassment.
Anyway, back to the hernia exam. The doctor basically takes a Louisville Slugger that he calls a finger and jams it up behind my "berries" and tells me to cough, while looking at the drawer full of KY I accidentally left open. When he's done with the left side, he calls his shot like the great Bambino, and puts the right one over the Green Monster. My penis has now headed into the fallout shelter. In fact, I think it even receeded so far, I felt it fall out of my butt onto the floor. But, the good news-- No hernia!
Now I'm picking my penis off the floor, and getting ready to pull up my pants when the doctor freezes my blood with a question. "You're 35 right?" I can see where this is going, so I try to lie, "No, I just turned 13, you probably have someone else's chart!" He snickers and says, "You are about due for a prostate exam."
I hear the needle scrape off the record playing in my head.
For those of you unfamiliar, the prostate is an internal organ. Which means that if the doctor wants to have a feel, he needs to find a way inside my body. The only way in is usually marked "Exit Only..."
Now, I am sweating, I mean, this is the first time I have had a finger in my read end, at least, from a PROFESSIONAL, and never past the first knuckle....well, there was that ONE time....but, I digress. I glance over, as the doctor is putting the gloves on.
He then goes into a too-familiar drawer, and pulls out a LITTLE PACKAGE OF KY! CURSE YOU LADIES, AND YOUR SPECULUMS!
He then tells me to lean against the table and relax...Now I feel like I am an extra in "Oz" and this isn't a doctor's office, it's a prison laundry. He slides one finger in, to the shoulder, and my first thought is, "Ow. Some people actually LIKE this?"
(artist's rendition of my shame)
It's over just as fast as it began, I'm told my prostate is nice and spongy, and has a long life yet. I then pull up my pants, and get the doctor's phone number for a date later that evening. I leave with a slippery bum, feeling violated but healthy!
Thank God I have another year before I go back, hopefully I'll die in the meantime.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
81 votes
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21 Comments on "Observations from the "Male Doctor""
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Styles McFresh 161,353  14
12/02/2004 12:13 PM
Flesh barge. Hee hee.
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newwave (under the mistletoe) 45,912 10
12/02/2004 12:17 PM
Now I'm picking your penis off the floor,
What the hell was my penis doing there??
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Styles McFresh 161,353 14
12/02/2004 12:19 PM
Stupid editor!
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Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
12/02/2004 12:28 PM
<action> faints
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Whistler P. McManus 186,016 44
12/02/2004 01:27 PM
The artist's rendition of your shame belongs in the Louvre. Lourve. Louervie. Whatever.
Good job!
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AussieSarah 8,390 9
12/02/2004 09:41 PM
Which means that if the doctor wants to have a feel, he needs to find a way inside my body. The only way in is usually marked "Exit Only..."
You missed a great opportunity to retaliate , by Shakespeare-ing on his hand , for the bill he was about to give you.
The bill - a doctors way of making you feel like a high priced whore.
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Sammy Davis Jr's glass eyeball 211,569 32
12/02/2004 09:48 PM
My doctor is an attractive Russian woman, very caring, very polite.
The first time she examined my prostrate, she said, "I must insert finger in anus. You will permit?"
As I'm bent over the examing table and she's attempting penetration she says, "You are tightening up."
Of course I am, woman! You're trying to ram a finger up my ass.
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McRib, saucing you up 13,155 9
12/02/2004 10:00 PM
I start a job at the Minneapolis Veterans Hospital next week and have to have a full physical done first. I'm hoping to have the same experience but with more finger-probing.
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Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
12/03/2004 07:32 AM
Well CG, it looks like the probing of your ass has universal appeal!!
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
12/05/2004 02:20 PM
You know, you're allowed to refuse any medical procedure? At 35, I hardly think prostate cancer is even starting to form. You have a sick doctor who likes to torture his patients. And what man goes for annual physicals? Please tell me this is required by your employer.
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/05/2004 02:32 PM
This article is very funny. No question; good job Chris, and clickies for you.
But I think a little editorial thank you to Lamburger for inspiring the format would be a good idea. Nothing wrong with writing a companion article, especially an excellent one like this, but a little credit where credit is due (http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?func=view_thread&head=1&thread_id=49274)
would be a class touch.
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Chris Garrett 86,932 12
07/02/2006 08:18 PM
I just felt like bumping this, because this was back when I was funny.
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Ziggy the Midgets 96,084 48
07/02/2006 08:53 PM
Why does everything funny involve something either going into or coming out of your ass?
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Sammy Davis Jr.'s Glass Asshole 211,569 32
07/02/2006 10:43 PM
I just felt like bumping this, because this was back when I was funny.
For any of the newcomers who need proof that Christ Garrettt used to be funny.
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The Evil Strawberry 97,986 37
01/23/2007 01:44 PM
The pictures are all x's. I'm bereft!
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TacoCrunch: Classic 61,976 36
01/23/2007 01:49 PM
Does everyone have a disease prompting the bumping of goddamn old threads?
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