MALL OFFICE: Hello, can I help you?



JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I was shopping in your mall recently, and noticed that you have a mall Santa, but you do not have an option for Jewish children, is that correct?



MALL: No, that's wrong. We prefer to celebrate the season of gift-giving, so we do not feature any holiday characters at our mall.



JH: Well, look: here's the deal. I do a character, Moses the Menorah, which is kind of an alternative to the traditional mall Santa. I dress up in a Menorah costume, and the children sit in my lap and tell me what they want for Hannukah.



MALL: I see. Well, I know the marketing director has just left for the day. You'd have to discuss this with her, so I can give you to her voicemail if you like.



JH: Moses the Menorah has entertained kids everywhere from New York City to Manhattan. He's a delightful Jew-friendly alternative to the traditional Santa.



MALL: It really sounds wonderful. As I said, we normally go with the theme of general holiday gift-giving at our mall, but again, you can speak with our marketing director when she gets back in.



JH: Tell you what: could I come over this weekend in the costume and just kind of invite kids to sit in my lap? I could work for donations, and we could see how it goes.



MALL: No. We don't allow anyone to use the mall common area to promote or solicit business...



JH: What about the stores?



MALL: I'm sorry?



JH: The stores do business there, right?



MALL: That's different. They pay rent.



JH: So do I.



MALL: You pay rent at the mall?



JH: No, to my landlord.



MALL: [Silence] Look, you're going to have to talk to the marketing director. You need a contract, you need a signed agreement. I'm just not the person to make the decision.



JH: Listen, my costume actually lights up with real flames, which are fueled by a small propane tank concealed beneath my chair.



MALL: Look, it sounds absolutely wonderful, but...



JH: I know what you're thinking, but it's extremely rare that anything catches on fire, and I've never burned a child. There have been some close calls, but no Jews have been incinerated.



MALL: The bottom line is you need permission to do business on mall property. If you don't have permission, security will ask you to leave.



JH: All right. I'll just do it in the parking lot.



MALL: Anywhere on mall property, sir. ANYWHERE.



JH: [Sigh] This just seems like such an opportunity. I mean, you do have a lot of Jews that shop there, right?



MALL: I'm, ah, I'm not going to get into the discussion of the demographics with you. Again, I need to transfer you to our marketing director's voicemail, or we're going to have to finish this conversation.



JH: Now, for a small fee I can also bring the Bucket o' Latkes, which is a very large container of potato pancakes, and children can put their hands in the bucket and scoop out a tasty latke. I sometimes bring condiments, like sour cream and applesauce.



MALL: You cannot hand out anything to anyone on the mall premises. We are very strict about what we allow anyone to give to our customers.



JH: Wwhat about those chicken samples?



MALL: What?



JH: You know, the chicken samples in the food court.



MALL: They have arrangements! They pay rent, and they have contracts with the mall.



JH: Come on, I can't go into your mall without people handing me stuff. Flyers, coupons, you don't care. I just want to hand out a potato pancake or two.



MALL: If you're interested in talking with the marketing director, you can have her voicemail. Otherwise I'm going to end this call.



JH: You know what I'm hearing? Anti-Semitism.



MALL: You are NOT, sir. You have not heard one thing about anti-Semitism. That is incorrect. I have not made one anti-Semitic remark. You cannot make that claim, and this conversation is over. Goodbye.



[Hangs up]

but no Jews have been incinerated.



Now that I've caught my breath from laughing so hard, I would like to tell you, Mr. Hargrave, that you rock.

Quickly, into the ovens!

Third to post!

Oi Vey!, or should that be Oi, Sleigh!

Excellent!



Now, to follow it up and get yourself arrested!

re: "everywhere from New York City to Manhattan"

Genius!

Will the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?

John, you're such an Emerson and we love you for it. For part two, same mall, try a Kwanzaa Kinara, with as much wiggerese as you can muster. Go boy-y!

In my head, the mall person sounds like Bruce McCullogh when he tried to purchase Kevin McDonald's dirty underwear.

That was just cruel. Accusing the person of anti-semitism. They probably started to fear their job, or their mall getting sued.



Clickies all around!

Am I the only one who sings this article's title to that retarded 80's 'metal' classic, Balls to the Wall song?

yes

Piehole. Shut it.

Damn it, Bonky, why WHY!?

They couldn't hire you cause they already have Bad Santa.

Will the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?



John put the Ram in Rambam.

Christmas time always makes me wish I was Jewish.

Hanukah always makes me wish I was Christian.

apparently, there''s a war on hannukah. see?

I'm not a fan of the Chestnut Hill Mall to begin with, and this just made it funnier. Pulling Anti-Semitism card in Newton is a genius move.

Well played sir.

God, I love latkes with applesauce and sour cream.

i love small potato pancakes in my butt

well then again who dosent

ignore you?

What a beautiful picture this painting in my head. Moses the Menorah with his faithul companion David the Dreidel and a line of happy curly-headed jews finally getting to be a part of something......

and by painting I mean painted

Mmmm...latkes with applesauce and sour cream...

They're over a year old now Millie. I'd be careful.

Latcakes are good, but perogis are better, especially with the carmelized onions with the apple sauce and sour cream.

You know what else is delicious?

Four year old articles.

Yum.

almost as delicious as four year old kids!

The candles of the nine-branched candelabrum should be replaced with dildoes.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, picking on poor defenseless Jews. Try picking on somebody who truly deserves it - The Christians!

If you're looking for a real post-board, don't waste your time here- head to www.anontalk.com. "Saving the web, one post at a time."

www.anontalk.com

Anon Talk-

If you're looking for spammers, you won't find them here. What you will find instead is wrinkled old nut sacks. Lots of wrinkled old nut sacks.

Wrinkled old nut sacks. Saving the web one wrinkled old nut sack at a time.

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