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Prank Call To The Mall

Side-splitting 118 votes 5.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091013

John Hargrave

12/03/2004 07:17 PM

I had an idea for a prank call, which was to call various local malls and try to get a job as a mall Santa. I tried to convince them I was the real Santa, and all the others were impostors who I planned to run over with my sleigh.



I didn't really get anything funny out of the first few malls I tried, probably because I sound nothing at all like Santa. So I decided to take another tack when I called The Mall at Chestnut Hill, a ritzy, upscale shopping mall for well-to-do types.



MALL OFFICE: Hello, can I help you?



JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I was shopping in your mall recently, and noticed that you have a mall Santa, but you do not have an option for Jewish children, is that correct?



MALL: No, that's wrong. We prefer to celebrate the season of gift-giving, so we do not feature any holiday characters at our mall.



JH: Well, look: here's the deal. I do a character, Moses the Menorah, which is kind of an alternative to the traditional mall Santa. I dress up in a Menorah costume, and the children sit in my lap and tell me what they want for Hannukah.



MALL: I see. Well, I know the marketing director has just left for the day. You'd have to discuss this with her, so I can give you to her voicemail if you like.



JH: Moses the Menorah has entertained kids everywhere from New York City to Manhattan. He's a delightful Jew-friendly alternative to the traditional Santa.



MALL: It really sounds wonderful. As I said, we normally go with the theme of general holiday gift-giving at our mall, but again, you can speak with our marketing director when she gets back in.



JH: Tell you what: could I come over this weekend in the costume and just kind of invite kids to sit in my lap? I could work for donations, and we could see how it goes.



MALL: No. We don't allow anyone to use the mall common area to promote or solicit business...



JH: What about the stores?



MALL: I'm sorry?



JH: The stores do business there, right?



MALL: That's different. They pay rent.



JH: So do I.



MALL: You pay rent at the mall?



JH: No, to my landlord.



MALL: [Silence] Look, you're going to have to talk to the marketing director. You need a contract, you need a signed agreement. I'm just not the person to make the decision.



JH: Listen, my costume actually lights up with real flames, which are fueled by a small propane tank concealed beneath my chair.



MALL: Look, it sounds absolutely wonderful, but...



JH: I know what you're thinking, but it's extremely rare that anything catches on fire, and I've never burned a child. There have been some close calls, but no Jews have been incinerated.



MALL: The bottom line is you need permission to do business on mall property. If you don't have permission, security will ask you to leave.



JH: All right. I'll just do it in the parking lot.



MALL: Anywhere on mall property, sir. ANYWHERE.



JH: [Sigh] This just seems like such an opportunity. I mean, you do have a lot of Jews that shop there, right?



MALL: I'm, ah, I'm not going to get into the discussion of the demographics with you. Again, I need to transfer you to our marketing director's voicemail, or we're going to have to finish this conversation.



JH: Now, for a small fee I can also bring the Bucket o' Latkes, which is a very large container of potato pancakes, and children can put their hands in the bucket and scoop out a tasty latke. I sometimes bring condiments, like sour cream and applesauce.



MALL: You cannot hand out anything to anyone on the mall premises. We are very strict about what we allow anyone to give to our customers.



JH: Wwhat about those chicken samples?



MALL: What?



JH: You know, the chicken samples in the food court.



MALL: They have arrangements! They pay rent, and they have contracts with the mall.



JH: Come on, I can't go into your mall without people handing me stuff. Flyers, coupons, you don't care. I just want to hand out a potato pancake or two.



MALL: If you're interested in talking with the marketing director, you can have her voicemail. Otherwise I'm going to end this call.



JH: You know what I'm hearing? Anti-Semitism.



MALL: You are NOT, sir. You have not heard one thing about anti-Semitism. That is incorrect. I have not made one anti-Semitic remark. You cannot make that claim, and this conversation is over. Goodbye.



[Hangs up]


Those Gentiles. So touchy.



John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author, performer, and professional goy. Past articles >>

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091019

    McRib, elf slayer

    12/03/2004 07:22 PM

    but no Jews have been incinerated.



    Now that I've caught my breath from laughing so hard, I would like to tell you, Mr. Hargrave, that you rock.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091020

    Vitriol

    12/03/2004 07:23 PM

    Quickly, into the ovens!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091026

    Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary

    12/03/2004 07:33 PM

    Excellent!



    Now, to follow it up and get yourself arrested!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091065

    Jay Cornelius

    12/03/2004 08:36 PM

    re: "everywhere from New York City to Manhattan"

    Genius!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091350

    Boots at the Boar

    12/04/2004 01:48 AM

    John, you're such an Emerson and we love you for it. For part two, same mall, try a Kwanzaa Kinara, with as much wiggerese as you can muster. Go boy-y!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091365

    Livewire

    12/04/2004 04:04 AM

    In my head, the mall person sounds like Bruce McCullogh when he tried to purchase Kevin McDonald's dirty underwear.

  • Chuckleworthy 1 votes 2.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091368

    Whistler P. McManus

    12/04/2004 04:24 AM

    That was just cruel. Accusing the person of anti-semitism. They probably started to fear their job, or their mall getting sued.



    Clickies all around!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1091916

    Bonky

    12/05/2004 04:28 PM





    Am I the only one who sings this article's title to that retarded 80's 'metal' classic, Balls to the Wall song?

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1092013

    ButtercupBZ

    12/05/2004 07:31 PM

    yes

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1092071

    Bonky

    12/05/2004 08:21 PM





    Piehole. Shut it.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1092290

    The Merry Little Elf

    12/06/2004 08:35 AM

    Damn it, Bonky, why WHY!?

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1092794

    One Mile Wide

    12/06/2004 08:43 PM

    They couldn't hire you cause they already have Bad Santa.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1359440

    Dogs Akimbo

    12/03/2005 05:55 PM

    Will the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?



    John put the Ram in Rambam.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1359689

    Shawn Roy

    12/04/2005 01:53 AM

    Christmas time always makes me wish I was Jewish.

    Hanukah always makes me wish I was Christian.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1371898

    ringworm

    12/19/2005 03:19 AM

    apparently, there''s a war on hannukah. see?

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1568141

    Jennington

    11/29/2006 11:22 AM

    I'm not a fan of the Chestnut Hill Mall to begin with, and this just made it funnier. Pulling Anti-Semitism card in Newton is a genius move.

    Well played sir.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1729652

    Brandon- Jester Puddinpops

    12/29/2007 04:48 AM

    i love small potato pancakes in my butt

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1729715

    manhole

    12/29/2007 10:55 AM

    ignore you?

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1729716

    ...and then I found 5 dollars

    12/29/2007 11:24 AM

    What a beautiful picture this painting in my head. Moses the Menorah with his faithul companion David the Dreidel and a line of happy curly-headed jews finally getting to be a part of something......

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1729746

    Millie

    12/29/2007 08:55 PM

    Mmmm...latkes with applesauce and sour cream...

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1807750

    I'm Danielle... Bitch!

    12/09/2008 11:53 AM

    Latcakes are good, but perogis are better, especially with the carmelized onions with the apple sauce and sour cream.

  • Funny 3 votes 3.3 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1807751

    Autra is Still a Dude

    12/09/2008 12:18 PM

    You know what else is delicious?


     


    Four year old articles.


     


    Yum.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1807758

    reindeerfart

    12/09/2008 12:50 PM

    almost as delicious as four year old kids!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1807799

    Mekillu Maphukas

    12/09/2008 04:24 PM

    The candles of the nine-branched candelabrum should be replaced with dildoes.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1807960

    The central scrutinizer

    12/10/2008 12:41 PM

    You ought to be ashamed of yourself, picking on poor defenseless Jews. Try picking on somebody who truly deserves it - The Christians!

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1812184

    AnonTalk

    01/17/2009 05:14 PM

    If you're looking for a real post-board, don't waste your time here- head to www.anontalk.com. "Saving the web, one post at a time."


    www.anontalk.com

  • Hilarious 1 votes 4.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1812213

    Deck the Pram

    01/18/2009 03:30 AM

    Anon Talk-


    If you're looking for spammers, you won't find them here. What you will find instead is wrinkled old nut sacks. Lots of wrinkled old nut sacks.

  •   0 votes 0.0 /live?func=new_user&msgid=1812214

    Deck the Pram

    01/18/2009 03:31 AM

    Wrinkled old nut sacks. Saving the web one wrinkled old nut sack at a time.


    http://www.wrinkledoldnutsacks.cum

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