MALL OFFICE: Hello, can I help you?



JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I was shopping in your mall recently, and noticed that you have a mall Santa, but you do not have an option for Jewish children, is that correct?



MALL: No, that's wrong. We prefer to celebrate the season of gift-giving, so we do not feature any holiday characters at our mall.



JH: Well, look: here's the deal. I do a character, Moses the Menorah, which is kind of an alternative to the traditional mall Santa. I dress up in a Menorah costume, and the children sit in my lap and tell me what they want for Hannukah.



MALL: I see. Well, I know the marketing director has just left for the day. You'd have to discuss this with her, so I can give you to her voicemail if you like.



JH: Moses the Menorah has entertained kids everywhere from New York City to Manhattan. He's a delightful Jew-friendly alternative to the traditional Santa.



MALL: It really sounds wonderful. As I said, we normally go with the theme of general holiday gift-giving at our mall, but again, you can speak with our marketing director when she gets back in.



JH: Tell you what: could I come over this weekend in the costume and just kind of invite kids to sit in my lap? I could work for donations, and we could see how it goes.



MALL: No. We don't allow anyone to use the mall common area to promote or solicit business...



JH: What about the stores?



MALL: I'm sorry?



JH: The stores do business there, right?



MALL: That's different. They pay rent.



JH: So do I.



MALL: You pay rent at the mall?



JH: No, to my landlord.



MALL: [Silence] Look, you're going to have to talk to the marketing director. You need a contract, you need a signed agreement. I'm just not the person to make the decision.



JH: Listen, my costume actually lights up with real flames, which are fueled by a small propane tank concealed beneath my chair.



MALL: Look, it sounds absolutely wonderful, but...



JH: I know what you're thinking, but it's extremely rare that anything catches on fire, and I've never burned a child. There have been some close calls, but no Jews have been incinerated.



MALL: The bottom line is you need permission to do business on mall property. If you don't have permission, security will ask you to leave.



JH: All right. I'll just do it in the parking lot.



MALL: Anywhere on mall property, sir. ANYWHERE.



JH: [Sigh] This just seems like such an opportunity. I mean, you do have a lot of Jews that shop there, right?



MALL: I'm, ah, I'm not going to get into the discussion of the demographics with you. Again, I need to transfer you to our marketing director's voicemail, or we're going to have to finish this conversation.



JH: Now, for a small fee I can also bring the Bucket o' Latkes, which is a very large container of potato pancakes, and children can put their hands in the bucket and scoop out a tasty latke. I sometimes bring condiments, like sour cream and applesauce.



MALL: You cannot hand out anything to anyone on the mall premises. We are very strict about what we allow anyone to give to our customers.



JH: Wwhat about those chicken samples?



MALL: What?



JH: You know, the chicken samples in the food court.



MALL: They have arrangements! They pay rent, and they have contracts with the mall.



JH: Come on, I can't go into your mall without people handing me stuff. Flyers, coupons, you don't care. I just want to hand out a potato pancake or two.



MALL: If you're interested in talking with the marketing director, you can have her voicemail. Otherwise I'm going to end this call.



JH: You know what I'm hearing? Anti-Semitism.



MALL: You are NOT, sir. You have not heard one thing about anti-Semitism. That is incorrect. I have not made one anti-Semitic remark. You cannot make that claim, and this conversation is over. Goodbye.



[Hangs up]

McRib, elf slayer 13,144 7
12/04/2004 05:22 AM

but no Jews have been incinerated.



Now that I've caught my breath from laughing so hard, I would like to tell you, Mr. Hargrave, that you rock.

Vitriol 338 6
12/04/2004 05:23 AM

Quickly, into the ovens!

Vlad The Impaler (Purveyor of aMurder.com) 19,532 10
12/04/2004 05:26 AM

Third to post!

Christmas Chickens in Every Stocking 238,026 14
12/04/2004 05:29 AM

Oi Vey!, or should that be Oi, Sleigh!

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,701 7
12/04/2004 05:33 AM

Excellent!



Now, to follow it up and get yourself arrested!

Jay Cornelius 408 11
12/04/2004 06:36 AM

re: "everywhere from New York City to Manhattan"

Genius!

Christmas Schmismas, Merry Everything! 14,845 9
12/04/2004 08:20 AM

Will the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?

Boots at the Boar 2,296 8
12/04/2004 11:48 AM

John, you're such an Emerson and we love you for it. For part two, same mall, try a Kwanzaa Kinara, with as much wiggerese as you can muster. Go boy-y!

Livewire 77,906 8
12/04/2004 02:04 PM

In my head, the mall person sounds like Bruce McCullogh when he tried to purchase Kevin McDonald's dirty underwear.

Whistler P. McManus 141,398 23
12/04/2004 02:24 PM

That was just cruel. Accusing the person of anti-semitism. They probably started to fear their job, or their mall getting sued.



Clickies all around!

Bonky 75,356 13
12/06/2004 02:28 AM

Am I the only one who sings this article's title to that retarded 80's 'metal' classic, Balls to the Wall song?

ButtercupBZ 21 6
12/06/2004 05:31 AM

yes

Bonky 75,356 13
12/06/2004 06:21 AM

Piehole. Shut it.

The Merry Little Elf 44,997 8
12/06/2004 06:35 PM

Damn it, Bonky, why WHY!?

One Mile Wide 78 6
12/07/2004 06:43 AM

They couldn't hire you cause they already have Bad Santa.

Dogs Akimbo 158,674 11
12/04/2005 03:55 AM

Will the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?



John put the Ram in Rambam.

Shawn Roy 299 5
12/04/2005 11:53 AM

Christmas time always makes me wish I was Jewish.

Hanukah always makes me wish I was Christian.

ringworm 67,989 9
12/19/2005 01:19 PM

apparently, there''s a war on hannukah. see?

Jennington 0 5
11/29/2006 09:22 PM

I'm not a fan of the Chestnut Hill Mall to begin with, and this just made it funnier. Pulling Anti-Semitism card in Newton is a genius move.

Well played sir.

Millie Christmas to all, and to all a good night! 107,018 10
11/30/2006 09:06 AM

God, I love latkes with applesauce and sour cream.

Brandon- Jester Puddinpops 0 0
12/29/2007 02:48 PM

i love small potato pancakes in my butt

Brandon- Jester Puddinpops 0 0
12/29/2007 08:21 PM

well then again who dosent

manhole 7,788 8
12/29/2007 08:55 PM

ignore you?

...and then I found 5 dollars 152 4
12/29/2007 09:24 PM

What a beautiful picture this painting in my head. Moses the Menorah with his faithul companion David the Dreidel and a line of happy curly-headed jews finally getting to be a part of something......

...and then I found 5 dollars 152 4
12/29/2007 09:25 PM

and by painting I mean painted

Millie 107,018 10
12/30/2007 06:55 AM

Mmmm...latkes with applesauce and sour cream...

Tweak, sledding through the dirt 18,660 6
12/30/2007 07:06 AM

They're over a year old now Millie. I'd be careful.

I'm Danielle... Bitch! 82 4
12/09/2008 09:53 PM

Latcakes are good, but perogis are better, especially with the carmelized onions with the apple sauce and sour cream.

Autra is Still a Dude 7,936 6
12/09/2008 10:18 PM

You know what else is delicious?

Four year old articles.

Yum.

reindeerfart 4,812 4
12/09/2008 10:50 PM

almost as delicious as four year old kids!

Mekillu Maphukas 6 2
12/10/2008 02:24 AM

The candles of the nine-branched candelabrum should be replaced with dildoes.

The central scrutinizer 15 3
12/10/2008 10:41 PM

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, picking on poor defenseless Jews. Try picking on somebody who truly deserves it - The Christians!

AnonTalk 2 2
01/18/2009 03:14 AM

If you're looking for a real post-board, don't waste your time here- head to www.anontalk.com. "Saving the web, one post at a time."

www.anontalk.com

Deck the Pram 53,242 9
01/18/2009 01:30 PM

Anon Talk-

If you're looking for spammers, you won't find them here. What you will find instead is wrinkled old nut sacks. Lots of wrinkled old nut sacks.

Deck the Pram 53,242 9
01/18/2009 01:31 PM

Wrinkled old nut sacks. Saving the web one wrinkled old nut sack at a time.

http://www.wrinkledoldnutsacks.cum

John Hargrave 116,588 19
12/24/2009 08:46 AM

An oldie but goodie.

Especially for the Jews.