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Comedy ArticlePrank Call To The Mall
John Hargrave
12/03/2004 07:17 PM
I had an idea for a prank call, which was to call various local malls and try to get a job as a mall Santa. I tried to convince them I was the real Santa, and all the others were impostors who I planned to run over with my sleigh.
I didn't really get anything funny out of the first few malls I tried, probably because I sound nothing at all like Santa. So I decided to take another tack when I called The Mall at Chestnut Hill, a ritzy, upscale shopping mall for well-to-do types.
MALL OFFICE: Hello, can I help you?
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi, I was shopping in your mall recently, and noticed that you have a mall Santa, but you do not have an option for Jewish children, is that correct?
MALL: No, that's wrong. We prefer to celebrate the season of gift-giving, so we do not feature any holiday characters at our mall.
JH: Well, look: here's the deal. I do a character, Moses the Menorah, which is kind of an alternative to the traditional mall Santa.I dress up in a Menorah costume, and the children sit in my lap and tell me what they want for Hannukah.
MALL: I see. Well, I know the marketing director has just left for the day. You'd have to discuss this with her, so I can give you to her voicemail if you like.
JH: Moses the Menorah has entertained kids everywhere from New York City to Manhattan. He's a delightful Jew-friendly alternative to the traditional Santa.
MALL: It really sounds wonderful. As I said, we normally go with the theme of general holiday gift-giving at our mall, but again, you can speak with our marketing director when she gets back in.
JH: Tell you what: could I come over this weekend in the costume and just kind of invite kids to sit in my lap? I could work for donations, and we could see how it goes.
MALL: No. We don't allow anyone to use the mall common area to promote or solicit business...
JH: What about the stores?
MALL: I'm sorry?
JH: The stores do business there, right?
MALL: That's different. They pay rent.
JH: So do I.
MALL: You pay rent at the mall?
JH: No, to my landlord.
MALL: [Silence] Look, you're going to have to talk to the marketing director. You need a contract, you need a signed agreement. I'm just not the person to make the decision.
JH: Listen, my costume actually lights up with real flames, which are fueled by a small propane tank concealed beneath my chair.
MALL: Look, it sounds absolutely wonderful, but...
JH: I know what you're thinking, but it's extremely rare that anything catches on fire, and I've never burned a child. There have been some close calls, but no Jews have been incinerated.
MALL: The bottom line is you need permission to do business on mall property. If you don't have permission, security will ask you to leave.
JH: All right. I'll just do it in the parking lot.
MALL: Anywhere on mall property, sir. ANYWHERE.
JH: [Sigh] This just seems like such an opportunity. I mean, you do have a lot of Jews that shop there, right?
MALL: I'm, ah, I'm not going to get into the discussion of the demographics with you. Again, I need to transfer you to our marketing director's voicemail, or we're going to have to finish this conversation.
JH: Now, for a small fee I can also bring the Bucket o' Latkes, which is a very large container of potato pancakes, and children can put their hands in the bucket and scoop out a tasty latke. I sometimes bring condiments, like sour cream and applesauce.
MALL: You cannot hand out anything to anyone on the mall premises. We are very strict about what we allow anyone to give to our customers.
JH: Wwhat about those chicken samples?
MALL: What?
JH: You know, the chicken samples in the food court.
MALL: They have arrangements! They pay rent, and they have contracts with the mall.
JH: Come on, I can't go into your mall without people handing me stuff. Flyers, coupons, you don't care. I just want to hand out a potato pancake or two.
MALL: If you're interested in talking with the marketing director, you can have her voicemail. Otherwise I'm going to end this call.
JH: You know what I'm hearing? Anti-Semitism.
MALL: You are NOT, sir. You have not heard one thing about anti-Semitism. That is incorrect. I have not made one anti-Semitic remark. You cannot make that claim, and this conversation is over. Goodbye.
[Hangs up]
Those Gentiles. So touchy.
John Hargrave, the King of Dot-Comedy, is an author, performer, and professional goy. Past articles >>
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McRib, elf slayer
12/03/2004 07:22 PMbut no Jews have been incinerated.
Now that I've caught my breath from laughing so hard, I would like to tell you, Mr. Hargrave, that you rock.
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Vitriol
12/03/2004 07:23 PMQuickly, into the ovens!
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Vlad The Impaler (Purveyor of aMurder.com)
12/03/2004 07:26 PMThird to post!
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Christmas Chickens in Every Stocking
12/03/2004 07:29 PMOi Vey!, or should that be Oi, Sleigh!
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary
12/03/2004 07:33 PMExcellent!
Now, to follow it up and get yourself arrested!
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Jay Cornelius
12/03/2004 08:36 PMre: "everywhere from New York City to Manhattan"
Genius!
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Christmas Schmismas, Merry Everything!
12/03/2004 10:20 PMWill the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?
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Boots at the Boar
12/04/2004 01:48 AMJohn, you're such an Emerson and we love you for it. For part two, same mall, try a Kwanzaa Kinara, with as much wiggerese as you can muster. Go boy-y!
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Livewire
12/04/2004 04:04 AMIn my head, the mall person sounds like Bruce McCullogh when he tried to purchase Kevin McDonald's dirty underwear.
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Whistler P. McManus
12/04/2004 04:24 AMThat was just cruel. Accusing the person of anti-semitism. They probably started to fear their job, or their mall getting sued.
Clickies all around!
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Bonky
12/05/2004 04:28 PM
Am I the only one who sings this article's title to that retarded 80's 'metal' classic, Balls to the Wall song?
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ButtercupBZ
12/05/2004 07:31 PMyes
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Bonky
12/05/2004 08:21 PM
Piehole. Shut it.
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The Merry Little Elf
12/06/2004 08:35 AMDamn it, Bonky, why WHY!?
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One Mile Wide
12/06/2004 08:43 PMThey couldn't hire you cause they already have Bad Santa.
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Dogs Akimbo
12/03/2005 05:55 PMWill the real Moses Maimonides please stand up?
John put the Ram in Rambam.
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Shawn Roy
12/04/2005 01:53 AMChristmas time always makes me wish I was Jewish.
Hanukah always makes me wish I was Christian.
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Jennington
11/29/2006 11:22 AMI'm not a fan of the Chestnut Hill Mall to begin with, and this just made it funnier. Pulling Anti-Semitism card in Newton is a genius move.
Well played sir.
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Millie Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
11/29/2006 11:06 PMGod, I love latkes with applesauce and sour cream.
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Brandon- Jester Puddinpops
12/29/2007 04:48 AMi love small potato pancakes in my butt
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Brandon- Jester Puddinpops
12/29/2007 10:21 AMwell then again who dosent
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manhole
12/29/2007 10:55 AMignore you?
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...and then I found 5 dollars
12/29/2007 11:24 AMWhat a beautiful picture this painting in my head. Moses the Menorah with his faithul companion David the Dreidel and a line of happy curly-headed jews finally getting to be a part of something......
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...and then I found 5 dollars
12/29/2007 11:25 AMand by painting I mean painted
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Millie
12/29/2007 08:55 PMMmmm...latkes with applesauce and sour cream...
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Tweak, sledding through the dirt
12/29/2007 09:06 PMThey're over a year old now Millie. I'd be careful.
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I'm Danielle... Bitch!
12/09/2008 11:53 AMLatcakes are good, but perogis are better, especially with the carmelized onions with the apple sauce and sour cream.
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Autra is Still a Dude
12/09/2008 12:18 PMYou know what else is delicious?
Four year old articles.
Yum.
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reindeerfart
12/09/2008 12:50 PMalmost as delicious as four year old kids!
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Mekillu Maphukas
12/09/2008 04:24 PMThe candles of the nine-branched candelabrum should be replaced with dildoes.
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The central scrutinizer
12/10/2008 12:41 PMYou ought to be ashamed of yourself, picking on poor defenseless Jews. Try picking on somebody who truly deserves it - The Christians!
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AnonTalk
01/17/2009 05:14 PMIf you're looking for a real post-board, don't waste your time here- head to www.anontalk.com. "Saving the web, one post at a time."
www.anontalk.com
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Deck the Pram
01/18/2009 03:30 AMAnon Talk-
If you're looking for spammers, you won't find them here. What you will find instead is wrinkled old nut sacks. Lots of wrinkled old nut sacks.
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Deck the Pram
01/18/2009 03:31 AMWrinkled old nut sacks. Saving the web one wrinkled old nut sack at a time.
http://www.wrinkledoldnutsacks.cum
I dress up in a Menorah costume, and the children sit in my lap and tell me what they want for Hannukah. 