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How To Write A Trashy Romance Novel: Part The Second
by Lady Scarlett Covington and Curtis, Duke of Malone
Welcome back to The Covington-Malone 9 Step Guide To Romance Novelling! In Part One we covered how to choose the cover picture (gaudy), title (sexy), and characters (lusty) for your very own trashy romance novel. In Part Two, we're going to cover setting, plot and dialogue; or as we at "Thing You Didn't Know You Needed Inc." (tm) like to call them, "the little details".
Pay attention though - you need all three to establish the dirty bits!
Step 4: The Setting
Setting is crucial to a good romance novel. While it is possible to set a novel in the pedestrian backwaters of Hicksville USA ("Bridges of Madison County", who knew?), it is not at all advisable.
For example, take a look at these two paragraphs:
"Passion raced across the mist drenched moor, her breath like glass in her throat. The hoof beats, ever present, were drawing closer."
Really grabs you, doesn't it? Compare that to:
"Passion ran past the corner Starbucks, the smog making her wheeze like an asthmatic maraca. The Number 7 cross-town bus, never very reliable, was leaving early."
Just doesn't have the same kick, now does it.
The key to a good romance novel setting is that it must be exotic. The great romantic cities of the world - Manhattan, Paris, Rome, Mississauga - are all excellent choices. The scenery is exciting, the culture strange, and the people beautiful. Well, except the commoners and servants, they can be repulsive butter gnomes, its not really important. If your novel is set in modern times, Hollywood is a particularly good setting for steamy adventures and devious weaselry, and the added bonus of potential movie rights is not to be ignored*! If you are writing a period piece, strange historical locales like the pirate infested Caribbean**, darkest Africa, decadent Imperial Rome, or the hollow center of the Earth *** are also highly suitable
Without question however, the best location for a romance novel is the United Kingdom. England Ireland Scotland and Wales have been the setting for more romance novels than there are fat girls at a Hugh Grant movie. You can't throw a stone**** in any of those countries without bonking a castle, manor or moor where a romance novel has been, will be, or should be set. From the heather of the high lands to the peaty bogs of the low, from the sailing ships at Portsmouth to the racing stallions at the Downs, the UK has it all.
As an added bonus, if you set your novel in England, you don't need to learn even a single word in a foreign language. Perfect for American authors!
Step 5: The Story.
Much like a porno, the story's main function is to get the characters into hot, steamy out-of-focus romping sessions. It probably contains something about shipwrecks, and revenge, and possibly an ancient gypsy curse of some sort. You can just fill in those details later. The important thing is that the hero and heroine know they can never be together, so they just talk a lot in the beginning. There are yearnings and sexual tensions a-plenty. Then an unforeseen circumstance, such as a shipwreck, or revenge, or an ancient gypsy curse of some sort, throws the two of them into a passionate embrace that they are helpless to resist.
At this point the naive virgin suddenly becomes a ravening wildcat in the sack with virtually no urging from her surprised male partner. The characters then get it on over and over and over again in various settings, until they are rescued, or get their revenge, or have an old gypsy woman lift the curse.
Then they live happily ever after (until Step 8).
Step 6: Dialogue
Much like the plot, the only significant dialogue in a romance novel leads into, involves, or follows hot, steamy out-of-focus romping sessions. This is why dialogue in a romance novel should be very suggestive, using lots of adjectives. With written porno, errrr, that is, romance novels, you must be able to clearly paint that steamy action in the reader's mind. This will then enable them to re-enact the action later with their significant other*****.
"What? You think I would be so bold as to serve you breakfast completely in the nude, Lord St. Bride of the London St. Brides?" the buxom Yvette asked coyly. "Never! I always wear my tiny leather skirt, though it barely conceals the moist grotto of my womanhood..."
(Note that the dialogue, while concealing nothing, must nonetheless avoid the use of actual obscenities. This allows librarians, nuns, Farscape fans and other dedicated virgins to convince themselves they are buying literature and not twittling material.)
"My loins burn with my lust for you, my lord" cried Passion hotly, "Quench me! Quench me as I long to be quenched!"******
"Oh you'll take it, Duchess Sophia. You'll take all of me!" growled Curtis, Duke of Malone as he plunged his turgid pleasure rod deeply into the secret cavern of her womanly delight.
Also note that you can't go wrong with a good metaphor or two; they help the reader picture the scene in much greater detail. Take the following quote:
" Explore me like an uncharted continent, my magnificent Magellan of desire!" she husked.
From these few simple words the reader can instantly deduce that She is a virgin (as always), they are in a nautical setting of some sort, and the man is a seasoned sailor, preferably a Captain or Admiral. Also, that he is named Magellan. An entire novel can be built around one good sentence like that. Why, add a ship, some pirates, stolen cargo, the South Pacific, and a busty stowaway heiress, and it practically writes itself*******.
Next Time: Plot twists, sequels and cliffhanger endi
Footnotes
* See "The Covington-Malone 9 Step Guide to Selling Out", available wherever artistic whore accessories are sold.
** Though it must be cautioned that both Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom are much too pale and scrawny to be proper romance novel heroes.
*** Oh right. Like YOUR readers are actually going to know that's not historical.
**** 14 pounds.
***** Battery operated devices can be very significant. We don't judge.
****** Burning loins are a staple in the romance genre. Extinguishing hoses should always be kept on hand.
******* Novel does not actually write itself.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
31 votes
5.0
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Styles McFresh 160,410  12
12/08/2004 09:48 PM
frsiut ot prats!
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0 votes
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Feliz Daisypie 49,257 7
12/08/2004 10:02 PM
The great romantic cities of the world - Manhattan, Paris, Rome, Mississauga
Umm, Priestess? I'm thinking maybe Demo is trying to pull the (monkey) fur over your eyes with that last one...
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The Decked in Holly Priestess 48,964 13
12/08/2004 10:04 PM
Actually, I think I came up with that one. And the fire extigushers. Demo came up with the "Magnifiacent Magellen of Desire" line.
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DemoMonkey. Period. 165,746 8
12/08/2004 11:41 PM
Chickens
Part thh first was hilarious, Part the Second is even better, use exciting settings like Mississauga or Hollywood, (Orlando Bloom is a wussboy), England is good because of fat girls and American authors being lazy, something about shipwrecks, and revenge, and possibly an ancient gypsy curse of some sort, dialogue in a romance novel leads into, involves, or follows hot, steamy out-of-focus romping sessions Farscape fans are virgins, "quench...loins...turgid pleasure rod", Magellan (Magellan?), add a ship, some pirates, stolen cargo, the South Pacific, and a busty stowaway heiress, and it practically writes itself, Part the Last tomorrow with a cliffhanger endi
Now click it you lazy bastard.
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Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,701 7
12/08/2004 11:43 PM
"I start slide my hand onto my supple mouse, my finger heavy with anticipation. As I press my hot finger onto the sweet button, a shiver of excitement runs through my naked body. Oh, how I long to click that smiling yellow goddess a thousand times..."
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ringworm 67,989 9
12/09/2004 01:40 AM
where do the car chases fit in?
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dropkick brody under the mistletoe 41,449 9
12/09/2004 01:50 AM
Haha this reminds me of the 'Little Britain' character who wrote romantic novels, and after every few words would yell to her typist, 'How many pages?'
Loves it.
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The Decked in Holly Priestess 48,964 13
12/09/2004 08:41 AM
Yea what ever floats your boat. And when you finish writing that, send a copy.
Bump for the night people.
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millie 107,056 10
01/03/2005 01:02 AM
True, that is an example of a simile--the first one--'Megellan of desire' is more of a metaphor. A metaphor would have been:
"Explore the uncharted continent that is my body, my magnificent Magellan of desire," she husked.
But really, why so hostile about it?
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evreet, formerly Sy the Photo Guy 6,528 8
01/03/2005 01:07 AM
But really, why so hostile about it?
Millie, haven't you noticed how important grammar and spelling and language in general is to GABbers? Just be grateful it wasn't Hammerhead; talk about an ass-kickin'!
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