The Decline of Man
A comedy article
by Lunchbox  14,650  10
12/08/2004 12:36 AM 231 views
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I have come to realize that no matter how patient I think I am, I am no match for a period. Let's face it: women are big soggy bags of emotion, and men really couln't give a damn. I have looked back on the turning points when I decided to switch teams and start "putting from the rough," and I think my change in sexuality had less to do with my constant craving for penis and musical theater and more to do with my general exhaustion in dealing with the emotional baggage of women. Follow me as I slowly break down, girlfriend by girlfriend (names have been changed to protect the bitchy):
Carla: I was a freshman in high school, and I was stoked that a woman actually noticed me. We had some passionate make-outs, sometimes in theaters. But then all of a sudden Carla got real moody. It was unexplainable, but all of a sudden she was crying about something she couldn't quite put words to, and she was blaming me ("Well, if you don't know what the problem is, I'm certainly not telling you"). I call up our mutual friend (she was a girl, too) and say that Carla was kind of being a bitch. Mutual friend neglects to tell me that I'm on speaker phone, and Carla is in the room. Suddenly, like Bill Clinton trying to define the words that came out of his mouth, I find myself trying to say that I meant she was "acting kinda bitchy" and not that she was "being a bitch." She dumped me. Strike one.
Rachel: This chick and I got along great. We always laughed together, liked the same music, and just generally gelled. High school graduation rolls around for me (she was in the class behind), and I am preparing to go off to San Antonio to college (only a 3 hour drive from Houston, where we lived, and only a year before she could maybe go to UTSA in San Antonio, too). We were in lurve, I tell ya. But before I could open my mouth to begin a rational discussion about what we were going to do once I went off to college, she became an emotional mess. Every 30 minutes she asked me if I really loved her, if I really thought she was attractive, if I really thought we would make it through the transition. Each time she asked it was more insecure, more whiney. And finally, from having to reassure her and say yes over and over like I was some parrot in Xanadu, I snapped. No way did I want this drippy bag of tears clinging to me while I was trying to make my place in college. I dumped her. Strike two.
Andrea: Wow. This broad was a basketcase. She had a lot of baggage, and we had been best friends throughout high school. Then, as we head off to college, we strike up a relationship, and it's ultra emotional and serious since we already had the friendship thing down. I book a $300 flight to go see her at her college in St. Louis a few months after we've been away at college, and two days before my flight she tells me she's kind of seeing some other guy. But her reasoning was some emotional drivel that sounded like this: "blah blah blah I need some time to make sure everyone knows I'm uber-stoked about becoming some slutty sorority hooker, and I can't really accomplish that with a boyfriend...but I love you <sobs>...blah blah blah...I'm a dirty whore." I dumped her. Strike three.
Sara: Three strikes...but I'm the type of guy to give things one more chance. So Sara and I hit it off. Two year relationship. Love. The works. Then she goes and gets the bright idea not to tell me she got into grad school in Arkansas, and that she'd be leaving. Then, all of a sudden, she finally answers her phone, and she's in Arkansas. And she wants to end it. She was too emotional to know what to do or how to bring it up, so she just didn't. She cried a ton on the phone (like, a lot. snot-bubbles. etc.). Strike four. I'm Out (of the closet).
So take this lesson to heart, ladies. Treat your man like crap by throwing your unstable emotions into the mix, and your man might be bobbing for bananas by next week.
Lunchbox is a scholar, teacher, and is a switch hitter.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
36 votes
5.0
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13 Comments on "The Decline of Man"
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0 votes
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Chris 'Mufftaur' Garrett 86,932  12
12/08/2004 11:58 AM
Bobbing for bananas
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
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Styles McFresh 161,353 14
12/08/2004 12:01 PM
Yeah, that part got me laughing, too.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/08/2004 12:02 PM
Holds up flowers for Lunchbox
Marry me? I booked the civil union to take place Dec 21st, 2pm, Toronto City Hall.
Be there.
Or else.
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Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/08/2004 12:17 PM
I love those big Italian fogs.
Bigamist
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PuggyD 48,304 12
12/08/2004 12:49 PM
If you don't think it's possible for someone to be bitchy, codependent, AND have a penis, then you don't know me as well as I thought.
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Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
12/08/2004 12:53 PM
Took the words right out of my mouth, Puggy.
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Chickens (no icon) Christmas Green with Envy 286,527 61
12/08/2004 12:57 PM
Four slightly emotional chick episodes and you give up on the whole sex?
Lord, I hope you're a catcher, cause you sure are a bitch.
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Frogpolar Express 173,153 25
12/08/2004 12:59 PM
Xanadu has parrots!?
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PuggyD 48,304 12
12/08/2004 01:04 PM
Was that before or after Olivia Newton John turned abruptly into a Don Bluth cartoon?
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Whistler P. McManus 186,016 44
12/08/2004 04:55 PM
I don't know about this theory of yours.
In my experience, women can act just about any way they want for that 25% of the time, and if they still have that little slice of heaven between their legs when it's over, I'm okay with it.
Oh, and they have to not want to stick something up my ass. I like that part, too.
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