DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/10/2004 10:39 PM

Chapter 2



Now it may have been the fact that Mufftaur lived in a cave outside of town. It may have been the fact that the townspeople had never accepted the peculiar marriage of his parents, Peter the Idiot and Princess Moo Moo von Holstein (who, in all fairness, did have absolutely smoking udders.) Or it may have been the fact that Mufftaur had no gripping appendages and was forced to pleasure himself by rolling his manhood in butter and furtively rubbing it against scarecrows. Regardless, poor Mufftaur had no family, no friends, and no one to hold the butter dish steady for him; he was completely and totally alone. And the day he realized this, he sat down in his cave, pulled off his earmuffs, and began weeping great monster tears. "Mufftaur so lonely!" he cried. "Why no-one love Mufftaur?"



When Mufftaurs great big salty monster tearShakespeare the ground an amazing thing happened. A flash of pink smoke rolled up from the ground and a chorus of show tunes rang out in the air. From the cloud of smoke stepped a giant hairy man in a leather vest, kilt, and cowboy boots, holding an enormous black rubber wand.



Who are you?" cried Mufftaur in alarm.



"I am your Bear-ey Godfather" replied the offensive stereotype. "and I'm here to help you find love."



"Mufftaur flattered but he not swing that way" replied the beast.

Oliver Chestnuts roasting over an open fire 203,475 12
12/10/2004 10:41 PM

How did he swing the axe handle with no gripping appendages?

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/10/2004 10:41 PM

Chapter 3



"Pity." the Bear-ey Godfather replied wryly, "but that's not the sort of love I meant. Listen closely Mufftaur. You must go on a quest to find love, for love will not find you. I cannot tell you where your quest will end, but I can tell you where it must begin. You must journey to the first of the three Oracles. He may be found on a tiny island, encircled by a terrible ring of fire.



"Where island?" asked Mufftaur verblessly.



The Bear-ey Godfather began to dissolve into smoke again as he replied. "Seek out the island...



His voice seemed to come from very far away.



"...inside the Goat Sea."



And he was gone.



Now of course Mufftaur had heard of the Goat Sea, though much like everyone else he would never admit to having gone there on purpose. But having nothing to lose, he packed a few essentials like stout leather gloves, a big woolen cloak, some imported beer, a map, an axe, and 8 pounds of butter, and set off to find the first Oracle.



According to Mufftaurs map the Goat Sea lay only a short distance away, and sure enough by mid-afternoon he stood upon its shore staring in discomfort at the ring of fire in it's centre. There was no boat about, and Mufftaur stood for a while on the beach, stumped about out how to reach the island. Just then a magic prawn (we know it's magic because most prawns can't speak, which is a good thing because otherwise the unending screams of agony would make visits to Red Lobster sort of uncomfortable) stuck it's head up above the water and said "Hello monster. Do you need to get across the sea?"



"Mufftaur need to get to get across sea." said Mufftaur.



"Will you help?"







(From here on, one chapter a day. Enjoy!)

Merry Filly Breast 39,193 20
12/10/2004 10:43 PM

Ollie! Shhh! Demo's telling a story!

Roofie the Red-Nosed Raccoon 56,688 10
12/10/2004 10:44 PM

Well he's not anymore. Way to go Ollie. Ruined it for everyone!

Oliver Chestnuts roasting over an open fire 203,475 12
12/10/2004 10:52 PM

My bad.

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/10/2004 10:53 PM

And in the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels, and there was much rejoicing...*yay!*



I guess the ones Mufftaur beat sensless were the two that got away...

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/10/2004 11:04 PM

The axe handle is a metaphor!



A METAPHOR!

Llama- packing on the holiday llbs 7,194 10
12/10/2004 11:06 PM

Ring of fire = hemmoroids?



May I never look at goatse long enough to find out.

Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
12/10/2004 11:23 PM

The axe handle is a metaphor!



Hmmm for a stick which can do much destruction?



That's borderline non-fiction based on what I've seen.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/11/2004 04:32 PM

Chapter 4



"There are millions upon millions of us in this sea", said the magic prawn. "We can form a platform beneath your feet and carry you like a wave to the island...IF you will pour a beer into the sea for us. And none of that Budweiser crap! Something nice."



"Deal" said Mufftaur, and poured a frosty one into the sea.



Instantly a great carpet of half-drunk prawns floated to the surface, laughing and belching and telling each other "I love you man!" Mufftaur stepped into the water and onto their backs as they began to move, and prawn surfed the Goat Sea.



When he reached the island and climbed ashore (leaving the prawns staggering in the shallows and vomiting into seashells), Mufftaur was confronted by the uncomfortable and very disturbing ring of fire. Fortunately he had remembered to pack stout leather gloves, and reaching both hands into the ring he grabbed a hold and stretched his hands apart. Mufftaur stretched and stretched with all of his strength, until eventually he had pulled an opening wide enough to slip his entire body through.



Once Mufftaur passed through the ring of fire, he found himself standing out in the middle of the island in front of a large wooden counter, with a small forest behind it. Behind the counter was a very attractive young woman with long hair and spectacular cleavage, wearing a short white dress and high-heeled leather boots.



"Who are you?" asked Mufftaur.



"I am the High Priestess of the Oracles" she replied cheerfully. "We've been expecting you."

dropkick brody sees you when you're sleeping 43,090 12
12/11/2004 04:38 PM

Were there starfish in the Goat Sea also?

Wonder Matzah 3,319 10
12/11/2004 05:18 PM

I can't wait until they make this into a movie.

fierce 394 8
12/11/2004 05:29 PM

who will play the goat sea?

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/11/2004 05:31 PM

I'm going to be famous!

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/11/2004 05:34 PM

'Budweiser crap', eh?



It's good enough that you stole their commercial!

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/11/2004 05:54 PM

Mufftaur is my new hero.



Imagine the balls it took to venture into the Goat Sea!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/12/2004 01:21 PM

Chapter 5



"Mufftaur on quest to find..."



"Yes yes yes" the young woman interrupted, "I'm sure it's all very important. You have to save the kingdom or rescue your true love or throw perfectly good jewelry into a volcano or some such. Fascinating, I'm sure. The first Oracle is inside the woods; just stay on the path and you can't miss him. You get three, and only three, questions. 5 silver please."



"But...Mufftaur is monster! Mufftaur not carry coins!" the outraged beast spluttered.



"I'm sorry, the price to see the Oracle is 5 silver." was her response. "No exceptions, even for people on dangerous lunatic quests. Especially for people on dangerous lunatic quests."



Baffled, Mufftaur stepped back a few paces, sat down on a stump, and puzzled. And puzzled. And puzzled. He had to find a way to get past the Priestess of the Oracle - but how? He could beat her with his axe handle and dump her body by the side of the road - it had worked in Vegas - but that might anger the Oracle. At last he thought he had a solution. It would take all his cunning and resources, but it just...might...work.



Mufftaur approached the counter again, drew himself up to his full monster height, and bellowed out at the top of his lungs:



"VISA?!"



"Of course." she replied.



"Deal!" said Mufftaur, signing the receipt in triumph and striding down the path to the first Oracle.

TheFoye 55,700 16
12/12/2004 01:37 PM

I think I get it now, this is one of those non-article articles right?!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/12/2004 02:13 PM

Foye/



Actually, I expected someone to comment on that sooner. Approval Master Chi Chi has asked us not to submit articles filled with inside Gab references, because they will be rejected.



I suspect there may be a handful of cunningly disguised Gab references contained in this tale.



Thus, my choice of formats. Plus the idea of writing a serial just sort of amused me.



Or as Mufftaur would say "Laugh or taste Mufftaurs axe-flavoured wrath!"

TheFoye 55,700 16
12/12/2004 02:18 PM

That's ok, I kinda like this new non-article article thing, I just wish I could do it!

















































Ape!

Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/12/2004 03:00 PM

The Beary Godmofo is Chickens, isnt it?

Swizz Bitchface 3,957 10
12/12/2004 06:06 PM

He does wear a skirt, he's hairy, why not?

erika the little drummer girl 76,152 9
12/12/2004 06:47 PM

I thought the Beary Godmofo was supposed to be Declan. But I'm a stupid n00b so I don't count.

Dweezil Meniketti 77,546 17
12/13/2004 07:01 AM

This is just a trick so we'll fill your pee tubes isn't it?





Well, I'm not playin!

Lunchbox 14,650 10
12/13/2004 07:04 AM

I thought the Beary Godmofo was supposed to be Declan. But I'm a stupid n00b so I don't count.



Indeed, you don't count, but clickies for your honest self-appraisal.

Rаt 2,085 9
12/13/2004 07:47 AM

I send my clickies along with Lunchbox, I hope you get them.

Chris 'Mufftaur' Garrett 86,932 12
12/13/2004 07:49 AM

You DO realize that they are headphones, right?

Rаt 2,085 9
12/13/2004 07:50 AM

Dweezil Meniketti - what n00b

Dweezil Meniketti 77,546 17
12/13/2004 07:53 AM

You really are barking up the wrong tree.

Rаt 2,085 9
12/13/2004 08:04 AM

SARCASTIC!





Sorry O donky sir, you are too kind.

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/13/2004 11:15 AM

Sad news everyone, I know you are waiting with bated breath for the next chapter of the Mufftar serises, but you'll have to wait until tonight. Sadly, Demo can no longer Gab from work. Damn IT people and your filters!

Whistler P. McManus 186,016 44
12/13/2004 07:00 PM

I WANT MY MUFFTAUR!

Roofie the Red-Nosed Raccoon 56,688 10
12/13/2004 07:01 PM

I WANT MY MUFFTAUR!



Whistler, don't make me say it.

Declan McManus, Daily Prophet Food Columnist, '04 131,874 36
12/13/2004 07:03 PM

I WANT MY MUFFTAUR!





Not until I'm done with him, bro.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/13/2004 07:14 PM

Chapter 6



Mufftaur soon entered a small clearing in the woods. In the center of this clearing squatted an enormous fearsome creature that looked sort of like a sphinx. It had the body of a lion and the wings of an eagle, but in place of a mans head it bore a huge shiny black helmet.



Mufftaur approached the Oracle cautiously, and, using his politest voice (which resembled an unpleasant mixture of Barry White and a mine collapse), asked the first of his three questions.



"You help Mufftaur?"



"INSERT RANDOM ANSWER!" boomed the Oracle.



Well of course this didn't help Mufftaur much, but he had read his classics and knew that Oracles were sometimes evasive. Ok, always evasive. He thought carefully before asking the second of his three questions.



"How can Mufftaur find love?"



"FOOLISH MONSTER!" boomed the Oracle again.



"Look, you really starting to piss Mufftaur off now." the beast replied, unlimbering his axe handle. "Oracle not help Mufftaur, Mufftaur kick Oracles ass. Oracle want that?"



"AWESOME!" boomed the Oracle for the third time.



"Deal!" roared Mufftaur and commenced, as promised, a truly righteous ass kicking.



When Mufftaur came back out of the woods he was spattered in gore. Leaving behind him the Oracles faint groans of "Note to self: reduce cryptic answers by 50 per cent...", he discovered the High Priestess had disappeared. Sitting on the wooden counter was a piece of paper labeled cryptically "Mpa to teh Second Orracl".



"That handy", remarked Mufftaur, who had learned to read Dyslexian as a child. And so he took the map and set off to find the second Oracle.

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/13/2004 07:19 PM

I don't sepll that bad!

Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
12/13/2004 07:25 PM

I liked that Oracle character.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/13/2004 11:35 PM

Bump for the graveyard shift. Chapter 7 tomorrow evening.

Roofie the Red-Nosed Raccoon 56,688 10
12/13/2004 11:44 PM

If your current employer blocks you from Gabbing I say it's time to change jobs. You know it's the right thing to do.

Rаt 2,085 9
12/13/2004 11:52 PM

Or time to install mozilla

Dweezil Meniketti 77,546 17
12/14/2004 08:33 PM

Did I miss a thread, or hasn't it been posted yet?

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/14/2004 08:46 PM

Chapter 7



Now Mufftaurs path to the second Oracle was beset by many dangers. But by following the map's instructions carefully he was able to avoid every pitfall and evade every foe.



By watching the phases of the moon for what the map called "The Time of Danger", Mufftaur was able to slip past Mount Bitchschtick and the beautiful but irrationally hostile Harpy Queen. Still, at night Mufftaur heard her terrible shrieks of "WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY ASS IS FAT?!" and "GIVE ME CHOCOLATE OR I WILL STAB YOU!" carried on the winds, and it made him shiver in terror.



By using the secret bridge the map showed across the River Haze, Mufftaur was able to pass the Great Shark that swims it's waters, searching relentlessly for the scent of new blood. He could see the monster just beneath the surface as he approached the shore, waiting patiently to perform vicious aquatic sodomy on the unwary and badly punctuated, and Mufftaur crossed that rickety little bridge with extra care.



By wearing his cloak as a skirt and packing sticks of butter in his shirt, Mufftaur disguised himself as a surprisingly ugly woman and escaped the fearsome JabberBox. For the JabberBox, said the map, though carnivorous, consumed only man meat.



And last but not least, Mufftaur donned a blindfold and used his axe-handle as a cane on the final leg of the journey. For according to the map, only by doing this could he shield his eyes (and his sanity) from the site of the terrible mud geysers of T'aub Gerrel.



At last Mufftaur stood upon the spot marked on the map. Before him was a great pagoda, constructed entirely of mirrored glass and illuminated by a thousand glittering lights. The pounding pulse of music came from within.



And sitting in a glass booth before the entrance, reading a novel with a shirtless man and a woman with enormous...sticks of butter on the cover, was the High Priestess of the Oracles.



"Took you long enough.", she remarked calmly. "5 silver please."

Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/14/2004 09:16 PM

The first Oracle was Bonky, wasnt it?

ringworm 68,315 13
12/14/2004 09:22 PM

there's an oracle in this thing? i thought bobjohnson was making a snarky neverending story comment.

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/14/2004 09:37 PM

The first orical was BobJohnson. Notice the overload of Awesomeness. Almost to much awesomeness for one post.

Lunchbox 14,650 10
12/14/2004 10:01 PM

ill let jabberbox consume me.



rawr.

Oh ChristmasTrae 156,790 17
12/14/2004 10:15 PM

I WANT MY MUFFTAUR!



You can have Mufftaur, but I'm keeping Chris Garrett!

Llama- packing on the holiday llbs 7,194 10
12/14/2004 10:31 PM

How do you use a metaphorical axe handle as a cane?

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/14/2004 10:32 PM

It's a symbolic cane.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/14/2004 10:34 PM

SYMBOLIC!

Rаt 2,085 9
12/14/2004 10:36 PM

Is his "cane" a methaphor for his penis?

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/14/2004 10:37 PM

Tripod!

Nerd is Tannenbauming Iraq 27,000 12
12/15/2004 02:13 AM

You need to add me and my Panzer of Greatness into this story. Then it would be a sweet, sweet German tale.

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/15/2004 02:20 AM

Aquatic Sodomy. Heh.





Is that like a bidet with an enema setting?

Nerd is Tannenbauming Iraq 27,000 12
12/15/2004 02:28 AM

Add Hammerhead also! He can be like, talking about a store or something!

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/15/2004 02:58 AM

Uhh, Nerd, I do believe the shark inference was about me.

Useless 92 8
12/15/2004 03:26 AM

You're just looking for attention.







Please don't hurt me sir.

Nerd is Tannenbauming Iraq 27,000 12
12/15/2004 04:42 AM

I just want to shoot some Jews.

marmaboy 505 9
12/15/2004 04:54 AM

bold

italic

marmaboy 505 9
12/15/2004 04:56 AM

Oops!.. I was just experimenting with the nifty HTML tools and instead of pressing "preview" I smashed "submit"! What I meant to say was...

Frogpop Nipping at your Nose 173,153 25
12/15/2004 04:56 AM

Fortunately he had remembered to pack stout leather gloves



I had no idea that stoats were so fire proof. Or ass proof. Or firey-ass proof. DAMN YOU, AND YOUR SUBTEXT!

marmaboy 505 9
12/15/2004 04:59 AM

...waiting patiently to perform vicious aquatic sodomy



Heh...



I bet you stole that from Finding Nemo!

(I haven't seen Finding Nemo, but I bet that's the kind of joke it has! ...Thief!)

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/15/2004 01:13 PM

In the center of this clearing squatted an enormous fearsome creature that looked sort of like a sphinx. It had the body of a lion and the wings of an eagle, but in place of a mans head it bore a huge shiny black helmet.



Not to be picky, but a Sphinx doesn't have wings. You're confusing a Sphinx with a Gryphon.

TheFoye 55,700 16
12/15/2004 01:22 PM

He still hasn't found love! I think he should give up the quest and start looking for the clitoris!

Ms. Trixxie cumming down your chimney 65,026 15
12/15/2004 01:25 PM

I thought maybe the sodimizing shark was moi. I guess not.

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/15/2004 02:13 PM

Trix, I'm sure any refrence to you would be less subtle.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/15/2004 09:45 PM

Hammerhead



You're confusing a classical reference with a D&D one.



Demo



(PS: Sphinxes are AWESOME.)

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/15/2004 09:48 PM

Chapter 8



Mufftaur thrust his magic credit card through the window of the booth and gave the High Priestess his most terrifying glare. This look would have reduced any of the people in Mufftaurs village to whimpering urine fountains, but the Priestess (who had played two years of women's field hockey and once wrestled an alligator without her pants) was made of sterner stuff. She smiled sweetly at him as she returned his card and reminded him "Remember. Three. Questions. Only."



Muttering darkly, Mufftaur entered the building. He walked through the grand entrance hall to the sound of a techno dance remix of "Oh Fortuna", and a moment later stood before the doors of the second Oracles' throne room. Throwing the great doors open, Mufftaur at last gazed upon the second Oracle in all his glory.



The second Oracle was a man in loose fitting black clothes, open at the chest to show his magnificent muscular physique. A black headband barely contained his thick lustrous hair, which fluttered gently as if blown by a constant wind. Mufftaur gazed at him in awe, thinking "That most beautiful man Mufftaur ever see. But Mufftaur still not swing that way!".



Caught off guard, Mufftaur blurted out "We indoors. How Oracle make hair move like that?"



At hearing this, the Oracle laughed a manly sexy laugh and, and began hopping from one foot to another. Every time he did an explosion of light lit up the floor beneath his foot. He replied in an echoing voice:



"I am the Dance (Dance) King (King). Every part of me moves to the beat, baby (baby). And that was your first question (question)!"



"Crap!" thought Mufftaur, who was not the sharpest crayon in the box.



One question down. Two to go.

Whistler P. McManus 186,016 44
12/15/2004 10:09 PM

THAT was chapter 8? I waited 24 hours for you to kiss the article nazi's ass?



Oh, the disappointment. I'm definitely not staying home waiting for the next chapter tomorrow night.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/15/2004 10:19 PM

I think you'll appreciate #9 then.



Heh.

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/16/2004 01:54 AM

I guess I was actually confusing this, with this.

Bankey 70,843 10
12/16/2004 09:41 AM

If this turns out to be one of those crap stories where the Mufftaur finds out that the love was in him all along I am so vacating my post as Vice President of teh Demo Monkey Fan Club, Atlanta Chapter.

I saw Chancer kissing Santa Claus 171,275 14
12/16/2004 09:51 AM

He walked through the grand entrance hall to the sound of a techno dance remix of "Oh Fortuna", and a moment later stood before the doors of the second Oracles' throne room. That sentance alone brought a single tear drop down my cheek. BRAVO! BRAVO! I am at the edge of my seat!

Declan McManus, Daily Prophet Food Columnist, '04 131,874 36
12/16/2004 09:55 AM

Oh Fortuna





Casserole?

Dolphin thru the Snow 2,598 9
12/16/2004 10:19 AM

To love others, you must first love yourself.



Is that where the 8 pounds of butter (NOT margarine) comes in?

Scratchy wearing a mistletoe belt 2,750 12
12/16/2004 02:23 PM

Fear not HH, your confusion is justified. The original was the Egyptian sphinx, but later the greeks saw it and created their own version, to which they added the wings and the riddle schtick. So, in conclusion, blame the sweaty butt-Frost-ing greeks.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/16/2004 02:48 PM

Chapter 9



Mufftaur considered his next question carefully. "Can Dance Dance King King help Mufftaur?"



"Can I help (help)?" roared the Oracle. "Of course I can help (help)! I AM THE DANCE (DANCE) KING (KING)!"



Mufftaurs question seemed to anger the Oracle. He began leaping from foot to foot in time with the music, sometimes slapping the air with his palms, sometimes grabbing hold of the arms of his throne and kicking the air. The explosions of light came faster and faster now, swirling around him like arrows of light.



Now this Oracle was being no more help to Mufftaur than the first one, and Mufftaurs' heart was filled with frustrated rage. He considered pulling out his axe, but the Oracle looked much too fast and strong to beat down. Fortunately, while Mufftaur may have been a primitive beast with a simple mind and a rage filled heart, he did own an X-box.



So Mufftaur asked his third and final question. "Dance Dance King King think he can beat Heavy Setting?"



"CAN I (I)?" shrieked the Oracle. "JUST WATCH ME (ME)!"



And with that the Oracle launched into a series of combo moves so fast, so intricate, so unbelievably complex, that he seemed to disappear into a whirlwind of hands and legs and flashing coloured lights. The music kept playing faster and faster, the Oracle kept dancing harder and harder, until, until ...



*CRACK*



The Oracles arms and legs tore clean off his body and spun off into the corners of the room. His head and torso continued to spin like a hideous gore spurting dreidel for a moment until finally collapsing, lifeless, to the floor.



"What a dumbass." remarked Mufftaur, shaking his head and walking out of the pagoda.



Mufftaur was not surprised to see the glass booth out front was empty, and a piece of paper labeled "Map toe the Thrid Oracle" was sitting on the counter. And so he took the map and set off to find the third Oracle.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/16/2004 02:59 PM

Could we get Madonna to illustrate 'n publish this?

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
12/16/2004 03:01 PM

Yeah, doesn't CafePress have a book feature?



Demo, how much ass would I have to kiss to get a Blue-Footed Boobie reference?

No_Kringle_Bandit 76,490 10
12/16/2004 03:09 PM

"... the third Oracle."



I hope it's Larry Ellison!

marmaboy 505 9
12/16/2004 03:22 PM

Dang! See, after reading the chapter 8, I was positive you had me pinned as Oracle II... but I tumble it aint so.



So DM, how you gonna work the Marm into this yarn?

Scratchy wearing a mistletoe belt 2,750 12
12/16/2004 03:28 PM

So DM, how you gonna work the Marm into this yarn?



Please go Frost-ing kill yourself now, douchebag. If you are too chickenShakespeare to kill yourself, I hope you get hand cancer, and can no longer stroke yourself on Gab. In other words: DIE FrostER DIE!

marmaboy 505 9
12/16/2004 03:50 PM

...whoa. So now we know who lives atop Mt. Bitchstick...



Avast!! Devile.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/16/2004 03:56 PM

Demo, how much ass would I have to kiss to get a Blue-Footed Boobie reference?



I'm not sure. I'm still waiting for the Golden Palace people to buy a spot in Chapter 15.

Scratchy wearing a mistletoe belt 2,750 12
12/16/2004 06:20 PM

...whoa. So now we know who lives atop Mt. Bitchstick...



Avast!! Devile.





Nah, that was pretty much compulsory. I have nothing against you.



As you were.

Llama- packing on the holiday llbs 7,194 10
12/16/2004 06:55 PM

The explosions of light came faster and faster now, swirling around him like arrows of light.



Best simile EVAR!!



Seriously though, loving the story. I look forward to reading it in completion when I return from China.

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
12/16/2004 07:03 PM

I'm not sure.



Well, if you put half as much thought into it as you do your Secret Santa gifts, thenBLAM!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/16/2004 07:55 PM

Llama



Yeah yeah. I meant to edit it to "the flashes came faster and faster...".



But I didn't. Suck it up! Genius is always flawed.



Have a good time in China. Bring me back some birds nest soup. And a bag of communism.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/17/2004 02:26 PM

Chapter 10



Mufftaur found the path to the third Oracle was much less dangerous than the path to the second one. True, the map guided him unerringly past the most dangerous spots. But Mufftaur was pretty sure he could have survived without it.



By walking an extra half a mile Mufftaur avoided the lair of the Somewhat Fierce ringworm, a creature of such minimal fearfulness that it's name was not even capitalized on the map. According to the instructions it could only be fought by limiting exposure, so Mufftaur (remembering that unfortunate incident at the elementary school) made sure his zipper was firmly closed on the way past.



By drinking four double espressos Mufftaur was able to remain alert while traversing the Forest of Idiot Walnut Trees. According to the map, each of these vile trees would wait until the moment you let down your guard, and then repeatedly put it's nuts on your face. "Mufftaur will not be teabagged by foliage!" he vowed.



And finally, by following the maps instructions to go on a Wednesday, Mufftaur was able to avoid the 10 silver cover charge at the Furry Club. There a magic Raccoon flashed Mufftaur with her gravity defying boobies, and showed him a really good time in the Mead Room.



(Which admittedly wasn't very perilous at all. Though Mufftaurs jaw did hurt for two days afterwards from smiling so much.)



Having survived all the obstacles shown on the map, Mufftaur thought the rest of the journey would be uneventful. As he traveled however, he came upon a brass lamp lying by the side of the road. As has been said before, Mufftaur knew his classics, so he picked up the lamp and gave it a good rub. As expected, smoke poured from the lamp, and before Mufftaurs eyes formed the shape of a wise and noble woman with great hooters.



"Who are you?" cried Mufftaur.



I am the Jannie of the Lamp", replied the top-heavy apparition. "And this is your lucky day."

larkknot 3,359 10
12/17/2004 02:28 PM

First to clickie!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/17/2004 03:06 PM

MUFFTAUR NOT DEAL WELL WITH INDIFFERENCE!











...Mufftaur fragile...

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/17/2004 03:18 PM

After four double espressos, Mufftaur must have had a helluva time keeping his zipper firmly closed. Poor monster must have to pee so bad he can taste it!

Roofie the Red-Nosed Raccoon 56,688 10
12/17/2004 05:05 PM

I made Mufftaur happy! That was oddly fullfilling.

Oh Christmas Trae 156,790 17
12/17/2004 06:08 PM

<action> peeks over very expensive tortoise shell eyeglasses,files nails disenchantedly



Awww, what a nice fairytale....

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/18/2004 01:46 PM

Chapter 11



The Jannie continued. "In thanks for releasing me from that lamp, I will make you a piece of invincible enchanted armour. But be warned! I will make only a single piece. Shall it be a helm, that your great bald head be protected from blows? Gauntlets, that your hands be able to deflect blades without harm? Boots, that you be able to walk through fire without feeling heat or pain? Tell me and it shall be done."



Now this was a real stumper to Mufftaur. He had never worn armour before, and couldn't decide what part to protect. He puzzled over the question. And puzzled. And puzzled. And like most men, when Mufftaur was thinking, he scratched idly at his crotch.



Seeing this, the Jannie cried out "It is decided!" and, whipping out a pair of enchanting needles and a ball of steel wool, began knitting with inhuman speed. Sparks flew, metal shrieked, and in no time at all she had finished. Proudly she presented Mufftaurs new armour to him.



"What this?" Mufftaur asked, as she handed him a tiny metal jockstrap.



"Armour for your Groin, oh valiant beast. I call it ... G Mail!"



And with that she disappeared.



Shrugging his shoulders, Mufftaur slipped on the enchanted armour and continued on his way, stopping only occasionally to pose heroically. And pull the metal thong out of his ass.



On the last day of his journey to find the third Oracle, Mufftaur came upon a very odd sight. In the middle of a field was a huge wooden table. And atop the table was a remarkably beautiful (of course) faerie woman. The faerie wore a filmy white gown that barely contained her ample butter sticks, and she was chained to the table with thick silver chains, and manacled with thick silver manacles. Mufftaur approached her cautiously.



"Who are you?" Mufftaur asked the helpless faerie.



"I'm Princess Jein" she replied in a subdued tone. "And you're going to rescue me."

Jane-constant over stimulation numbs me 173,958 15
12/18/2004 01:48 PM

Hey! I like this story.

Crackalacka!! 68,758 11
12/18/2004 01:50 PM

You like any story with bondage in it.

Jane-constant over stimulation numbs me 173,958 15
12/18/2004 01:54 PM

No I don't. I actually enjoyed this story long before I was in it. And it's Tabby that's into bondage, not me.

Somebody needs to go fill the tube on chapter 9. I hate seeing one that is just one click away from full, and Demo deserves it.

Crackalacka!! 68,758 11
12/18/2004 01:55 PM

I stand corrected.Pee tube filled.

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/18/2004 11:27 PM

<action>whispers to Chris Garrett:</action>Dude, he called your mother a cow!

And a Briham in a pear tree 38,843 10
12/19/2004 01:34 AM

Demo, I have just now overcome my laziness and read all your posts, despite their length. I now regret not reading it when I first saw it because it was freaking awesome. Brilliant stuff.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/19/2004 02:19 PM

Chapter 12a



"You a Princess?" asked Mufftaur in confusion.



"Of course I am!" she snapped at him. "Don't you see the tiara? Haven't you ever seen a Princess before?"



"Once" mumbled Mufftaur. In truth Mufftaur had not only seen, but actually rescued a Princess once before - a supposedly beautiful lady named Trixxie - and it had not turned out well at all. "Mufftaur not want to talk about it."



"Fine." She sighed impatiently. "Say, any chance you could hurry up with the whole rescuing thing?"



"Yeah yeah." said Mufftaur, examining the heavy chains. "Why you chained to table top, Jein?"



"Long story. Starts with 'S', ends with 'cumbag Prince'. Charming, yes. Reliable, not so much. You know, if you cut me loose I'll give you my magic dagger."



"Deal!" said Mufftaur, and with one mighty swing of his axe he severed the chains and freed her.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/19/2004 02:20 PM

Chapter 12b



"Thank you, noble beast." she cried in surprised relief. "Here is your reward." And with that she held out a magnificent gem inlaid dagger to Mufftaur. It was easily the most beautiful weapon he had ever seen, despite its age.



"Hello dear. Are you new?" said the Dagger.



"HOLY Shakespeare, A TALKING DAGGER!" Mufftaur screamed.



"Indeed" said the Princess. "It lives in a different time than us, so it can see into the future."



"Really?" asked Mufftaur in amazement. "How far?"



"Oh about 5 lines." she replied.



Mufftaur took the weapon and said "Hello Dagger." to it, but it was silent once again. The Princess meanwhile, muttering something about needing a large drink and a larger gun, had begun walking towards the western hills.



"Hey!" shouted Mufftaur after her. "If Dagger see future, how Princess wind up chained to table?"



As she reached the crest of the hill she called back over her shoulder, "When he pulled out the chains, it told me I was going to get thoroughly screwed."



Her last words echoed as she disappeared from sight.



"I took the damn thing literally."

Santa's Dirty Underwhere? 101,393 77
12/19/2004 02:23 PM

Awesome.

Pat The Great 948 9
12/19/2004 11:23 PM

I am. . . inspired.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/20/2004 01:11 PM

Chapter 13



Later that day, Mufftaur stood upon the edge of the Great Southern Swamp. He knew immediately that he had reached the third Oracle, even without looking at the map. For there before him, sitting patiently on a large raft, was the familiar sight of the High Priestess of the Oracles.



"Nice accessorizing." she remarked dryly, seeing his new armour. "5 silver please. And you get..."



"...three and only three questions." Mufftaur interrupted, paying her and climbing aboard the raft. "Mufftaur know the drill."



The Priestess nodded, and began poling the raft across the swamp to a large ramshackle house on stilts. Mufftaur took a moment to check her out. Despite the heat and mud and insects, despite the exertion of pushing the heavy raft through the swamp, despite the vast distances she traveled to stay mysteriously one step ahead of Mufftaur, she seemed completely cool and lovely and self-assured.



"Watch your step." said the Dagger.



"You pretty hot" commented Mufftaur to the Priestess.



"I'm doing the writer." she replied. "Here's your stop."



And indeed they had reached the stilt house. Mufftaur jumped off the boat, grabbed hold of the hanging rope ladder, and climbed up to meet the third Oracle.



Now the third Oracle was the powerful Sultry Witch of the South. An invisibility spell gone terribly wrong had left her transparent above the waist (a fact she hid with a great hooded cloak), but her legs still retained their terrible power to ensnare men. It was said that after a single night of pleasure with her a man was enslaved forever, and so she collected men the way some women collect beanie dolls. She had short men, tall men, thin men, fat men, young men, and old men...but the one thing she didn't have was a beast man.



Until Mufftaur stepped through her front door and stumbled, headlong, to her feet.

Sexual Harassment....Panda 181,783 70
12/20/2004 01:27 PM

Please please please bring about a Sexual Harassment Predicament for Mufftaur... please!

Fratberry 282,931 53
12/20/2004 02:56 PM

I enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed masturbating to the Voynich Manuscript.

Crackalacka!! 68,758 11
12/20/2004 03:08 PM

I like to think that everytime Mufftaur hit somebody with the axe handle it went Crackalack!

Del Taco? 52 8
12/20/2004 03:19 PM

This story is becoming more and more sexy by the minute.



I mean, damn! A witch and a monster getting it on! I think I have a boner now.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/20/2004 10:09 PM

Bump because I think it will be a crying shame if Daggy doesn't get to see Chapter 12.

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/20/2004 10:13 PM

This story is getting a little to real to life. I mean I am doing the writer.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/21/2004 01:10 PM

Chapter 14a



"Owww." moaned Mufftaur, climbing to his feet. "What happened?"



"You tripped." whispered the Oracle. "That's one."



"Crap!" thought Mufftaur, who had obviously learned nothing from the last time. He considered his next words carefully, unaware of the predatory gleam in the Witches' eyes.



"Can you help Mufftaur find love?"



"Oh yes." husked the Oracle. "I assure you I can, handsome beast."



"At last!" thought Mufftaur, asking his third and final question.



"Will Oracle show Mufftaur love?"



"YES!" shouted the Oracle, and hurled herself at the shocked Mufftaur. She began clawing at his pants and grabbing passionately for his little axe handle.



Only to shatter her nails uselessly on the invincible armour of his groin.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/21/2004 01:11 PM

Chapter 14b



Enraged at her failure, the Sultry Witch of the South screamed in frustration and suddenly began blowing fireballs at Mufftaur! Thinking quickly, Mufftaur whirled his axe before him like a demented drum majorette. He deflected the balls back towards the Witch, hoping to burn her up with her own spell, but in vain. The Witch, who was no stranger to having balls fly at her face, simply nudged them aside with her fingertips and continued her blowing.



"Ewww. Is that liver?" asked the Dagger.



For a few moments it was a stalemate. But Mufftaur, mighty as he was, could not keep swinging the heavy axe all day. The Witch seemed able to blow forever without cramping or getting sore. Mufftaur realized he could not hold out against the Witches fiery mouth a minute longer. Desperate, he switched to a one handed grip, grabbed the magic Dagger, and hurled it with all his might at the Witch.



The Dagger struck the witch in the stomach and buried itself deep in her (delicious) organs. With a piercing shriek of fury, she collapsed to the ground, her cloak fluttering down on top of her. But when Mufftaur lifted the cloak to retrieve his weapon... she was gone!



"That one crazy bitch." remarked Mufftaur. And with that he sheathed the Dagger, and climbed back down the ladder.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/21/2004 01:28 PM

Rating: AA (Mild violence, strong language, rambling analogies)

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/22/2004 01:27 AM

Bump for the graveyard shift.

Whistler P. McManus 186,016 44
12/22/2004 09:44 AM

Dang. I thought for sure Mufftaur would find love with that third oracle. You know, there is a magical place where the third oracle is visible above the waist, but only up to the neck. I have gone to that special place many times, and there I found love with the third oracle.







And by love, I mean masturbation.

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/22/2004 12:34 PM

Didn't Mufftaur already find love? He came upon Princess Jein while she

was chained to the top of a table!



What the hell did he free her for, he could have found love over and over again?!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/22/2004 12:38 PM

Chapter 15



When Mufftaur emerged, the Priestess had once again disappeared. Sitting on the raft was a piece of paper labeled "Map to Hoem", which was, to be fair, pretty darn close for her.



And so Mufftaur picked up the map and began the long, but pretty much peril free, trip back to his village. 3 days and 5 nights he traveled (Daylight Savings), and as he got closer and closer to home poor Mufftaur became sadder and sadder.



When he was only a few miles from home, Mufftaur sat down by the side of the road and looked down into the valley below. Spread out before him was the whole town of Bannedford Falls, and Mufftaur sat for a while watching the people of the town go about their business. Many of them walked the streets arm in arm, parents with children, men with women, men with men (we don't judge), women with giant Pyrex pony phalluses (we really don't judge) and it seemed to Mufftaur that absolutely no-one was alone.



Except Mufftaur.



So Mufftaur, filled with sadness and pain (that metal thong was riding up so far he felt like a brie wheel under a wire cutter), began once again to weep great salty monster tears. And once again, in a flash of pink smoke and a chorus of show tunes, appeared Mufftaurs Bear-ey Godfather.



"Why Mufftaur" cried the fey spirit, his black rubber wand wobbling in a way that made Mufftaur want to go drink beer and watch sports and punch other men in the shoulder. "What's wrong?"



Mufftaur sobbed in reply, "Mufftaur been to all Three Oracles and they not help at all! MUFFTAUR STILL NOT FINDS LOVE!"



"Oh silly monster" cried the Bear-ey, his silvery laugh tinkling like the worlds gayest ice cream truck. "You couldn't be more wrong."



"Why the Oracles have showed you everything you need to know!"

I saw Chancer kissing Santa Claus 171,275 14
12/22/2004 12:45 PM

Demo is such a tease!

Blue-Footed Boobie: Boob Moosary 21,744 10
12/22/2004 01:04 PM

town of Bannedford



Nice!

Snork is Searching for a Ticket to Avantasia 45,655 12
12/22/2004 01:04 PM

I'm confused: if the axe handle is a metaphor for penis, how could he twirl it? Is it detachable? Why does it crackalack?

millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/22/2004 01:53 PM

how could he twirl it?



O.K., I know I'm old, Snork, but have you never seen a Ron Jeremy movie?

millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/22/2004 01:54 PM

Then again, Mufftaur is no Ron Jeremy.

WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
12/22/2004 01:57 PM

And thank god for that.



Ron Jeremy is an ugly little troll.

millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/22/2004 02:04 PM

But he can twirl it.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/22/2004 05:03 PM

Snork



Thanks for writing in.



Mufftaurs little axe handle is a euphemism for his penis.



Mufftaurs big axe handle is just a smooth solid shaft of rockhard beat stick. Nothing sexual to it at all.



Glad to clear that up for you,



Lemony DemoMonkey

The Elvis Orc 203,475 12
12/22/2004 05:08 PM

Wait...the axe handle is a metaphor for..his axe handle?

Crackalacka!! 68,758 11
12/22/2004 05:10 PM

Don't mess with DemoMonkey. In case you haven't noticed, he's on his period.

Chance is waiting under the mistletoe. 171,275 14
12/22/2004 05:14 PM

Dearest Lemony Demo Monkey,

You are the sexiest, strongest, most handsomest, smartest, cutest, and did I mention sexiest gabber. Now that that's been said, will you e-mail me the story in its entirety? If I don't find out how Mufftaur found love soon, I think I am going to kill a puppy. A cute puppy too.

Kisses,

Chance

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/22/2004 05:22 PM

Chance



You are a woman of rare taste and discernment. But you'll find out when everyone else does.



Patience, my loyal Muff-clicker. Only 3 chapters left. (One of which I'm still writing. Shhh.)



Lemony DemoMonkey

Chance is waiting under the mistletoe. 171,275 14
12/22/2004 05:25 PM

<action> Sees he takes the bait </action>

Lemony DemoMonkey,

Fine then, I'll settle on the picture of your penis.

Anxiously awaiting,

Chance

Oh Christmas Trae 156,790 17
12/22/2004 05:29 PM

Now that's just sick. Who wants to look at a monkey penis?

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/22/2004 05:30 PM

Fay Wray?

Chance is waiting under the mistletoe. 171,275 14
12/22/2004 05:31 PM

I spelled pen collection wrong.

Del Taco? 52 8
12/22/2004 09:59 PM

aaaaand...









































bump

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/23/2004 03:45 PM

Chapter 16



"If Mufftaur does not get at least one goddamn straight answer" growled the beast dangerously, "Mufftaur will drive his axe so far up Godfathers ass that... ummm...no, wait. That not work. Mufftaur will grab that wand and shove it down Godfathers throat until ...ummm...damn, that no threat either. Mufftaur will just kill you and make sure you buried in brown corduroy suit."



"NOOOO!!!!" screamed the Godfather "I'll do what I can!"



"I saw THAT coming" said the Dagger.



"The first Oracle was a being of great intellect. But his brain could not help you find love.



The second Oracle was a being of great physical prowess. But his muscles could not help you find love.



The third Oracle was a being of great passion. But her loins could not help you find love.



Love cannot be found with the brain, or the muscles, or the loins, Mufftaur. Love resides somewhere else. Search yourself for the truth Mufftaur..."



The Bear-ey Godfather began fading out again.



"Search yourseeeeellf..."



"OH YOU BASTARD!" screamed Mufftaur, hacking the CK scented air in fury. But he was alone.



When Mufftaur calmed down a little, he figured he might as well take the Bear-ey Godfathers advice. So he turned out his pockets and his pack and started searching. Other than a book of unpleasantly squidgy coupons tucked into Mufftaurs groin armour (inviting 6 other people to get their own set), there was nothing new. There was certainly nothing that seemed helpful. Nothing except...



Mufftaur smiled a gruesome monster smile, a smile so awful that surrounding woodland creatures went mad with terror. (Two gophers committed suicide. A llama kissed another llama on the llama. A badger entered the priesthood.)



Nothing except his magic Visa card! If Mufftaur could not find love - he would buy it!



And so Mufftaur turned aside from the town and headed to a place he had often heard of, but oddly, never considered mentioning earlier. The Shop of the Inappropriate Toymaker.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/23/2004 04:38 PM

Other than a book of unpleasantly squidgy coupons tucked into Mufftaurs groin armour (inviting 6 other people to get their own set)



You're talking about Gmail, right?

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/23/2004 04:46 PM

DR



Chapter 11.



Demo

Phla Mignog 131,068 34
12/23/2004 05:09 PM

Llama's llama tastes like llama.

Dead Robot 67,630 16
12/23/2004 05:18 PM

I was unsure if you were talking about the allegory or crabs...

larkknot 3,359 10
12/24/2004 01:20 AM

<action>bumps into the thread, stumbles away shaking her head</action>

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/24/2004 02:18 AM

Mufftaur may not yet have found love, but at least his grammar is improving!

Merry-Derpa Christmahanakwanzaka-Derp 375 8
12/24/2004 10:13 AM

Make this and into and market this as a childrens picture book, sans pictures.





Now!

larkknot 3,359 10
12/24/2004 03:25 PM

No pictures? Nooooo... I was already illustrating it!



Chapter 1

A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/24/2004 03:34 PM

Wow. Mufftaur is surprisingly naked. And ugly in lepoard print bikini bottoms.

larkknot 3,359 10
12/24/2004 03:52 PM

I found that horrid source image when I tried to do a google image search for "minotaur" - it prompted me to create my own instead.

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/24/2004 06:45 PM

All you need is the big axe handle, and you've got Mufftaur down pat!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/25/2004 01:29 AM

Chapter 17a



Now the Innapropriate Toymaker was a legend in Bannedford Falls. He was a wise old Monkey who had bought out the shops previous owner, a chocolate maker who was facing 27 federal indictments ( 25 of "administering a controlled substance" and 2 of "transporting a loompa across state lines for immoral purposes"). However, his creations, while of excellent quality and remarkably low cost, were always somehow a little bit... off. Why last year alone:



He made a Panda doll with beautiful eyes and fur that was wonderfully soft. Unfortunately when petted or played with it would emit heart stopping shrieks of "BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! I NEED AN ADULT!!" that could only be stopped with powerful tranquilizers. Or beheading.



He made a Soldier doll of such frightening anatomical realism that it was actually unable to stand upright, and kept falling forward and banging its head. Outraged mommies frequently confiscated the doll from their daughters. Oddly, the dolls generally wound up in the mommies bedside drawer rather than the trash bin.



He made a "Farmyard Houngan" kit designed to let children try simple voodoo procedures in their own backyard. The box read "First, kill a Chicken. Now, bring it back! It's alive! It's dead! It's alive! Hours of fun for the whole family! CAUTION: NOT FOR USE ON HUMAN REMAINS". Unfortunately, despite the clear warning, 17 hospitalizations resulted from the toys misuse. Which forced a halt to it's sale anywhere except Haiti, Thailand and Alabama.



He sold a tiny robot called the "Bandit" whose only programmed function was to steal people's keys and hide them. Ever gone to where you absolutely know you put your car key or house key, and it just isn't there? Now you know why.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/25/2004 01:31 AM

Chapter 17b



And the list went on and on. "The Ever Wedging Panties". "The Magic Steak Ball". "Babies First Distillery." "Pinata: Scotsman Style! (Comes complete with 3 spare haggises.)". And of course, "Mr Olivers Amazing No-Pants Play Set."



Mufftaur, of course, did not care, or even know about any of this. He simply walked up to the front door of the Toymakers shop, threw open the door, and bellowed "GIVE ME EVERYTHING!"





The Toymakers tiny colorful assistants paid Mufftaur no notice and continued working without pause, for time was short and they were very, very high. The Toymaker himself however, swung over to Mufftaur and dropped down beside him. He doffed his tall yellow hat and asked, "Last minute Christmas shopping?" in a voice oozing with avarice.



Now Mufftaur knew no more about holidays than he did about tact, hygiene, or the function of the clitoris. But he wasn't about to admit that to the Toymaker.



"Yes. Chrismass. Muuftaur need many toys. Whole truck full." the monster replied.



"Would you like me to show you how the toys work, give you a demonstration?" asked the Toymaker. "I'm happy to do it."



Muuftaur not need demo, monkey" Mufftaur growled. "Fill truck!"



"Yes sir!" said the Toymaker, and clapping his hands, shouting orders and flinging handfuls of poop for emphasis, he set his minions to work. Quick as a wink they filled a 24-foot truck to the brim with toys.



After ringing up the bill for the toys, Mufftaur looked at his now molten Visa card with concern. "Throw in truck rental for free?" he asked uncertainly.



"Can I put a banner on the front for advertising?" the Toymaker asked craftily.



Deal!" said Mufftaur with relief.



Then Mufftaur climbed into the truck He gunned the engine. And he roared off to buy the town folks love.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/25/2004 01:50 PM

Chapter 18a



Mufftaur was not a very good driver, and the roads were very bad, covered with melted snow. And mud. And salt. But Mufftaur was very determined, and plowed on, screaming down the hill towards the town, the truck bouncing and rattling with every pothole and bump. Perhaps some guardian angel of limited mental capacity ("Blerrrgh! Wings!") was protecting Mufftaur that day, for miraculously he reached the town square without wrecking. Leaping down from the cab, Mufftaur greeted the people of the town.



"Do not be afraid people of the town. Mufftaur not bring pain today. Mufftaur bring gifts!" And he ran to the back of the truck to get the toys.



Where he noticed that the cargo door of the truck was never closed. Mufftaur could see a trail of dropped and broken toys behind the truck, leading all the way out of town. What toys were left, were now all covered with a mixture of melted snow. And mud. And salt.



Still hoping to buy the townspeople's' love, Mufftaur grabbed the remaining toys and began hurling them into the crowd like a berserk Viking Santa. But the people were not cheering at Mufftaur's generosity. They were shouting and mocking and calling him names, just like always. And the children. The children were...



The children were laughing at Mufftaur!



What Mufftaur did not know was that not only was the cargo door not lowered, but also the HUGE vinyl banner that was bungeed to the front of the truck had come loose. A third of it was shredded and gone, and much of the rest was covered in mud. Where once it had said:



The Annual Super Toymaker

Christmas Blowout



Now it said:



he AnuS make

Christmas Blow



Which admittedly is pretty funny. But it is not wise to laugh at monsters.

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/25/2004 01:53 PM

Chapter 18b



Mufftaur screamed at the crowd "Mufftaur hate children! Give them salty dirt toys from stupid truck! RAAAARRRR!!!" And he pulled out his mighty axe and leaped from the truck and charged into the crowd, mad with pain and sorrow and frustration.



But this time the townspeople were unafraid. The men, and the women and the little children stood their ground. Mufftaur was confused. It was almost as if together, hand in hand, they thought they were stronger than Mufftaur. It was almost as if they believed they had some power, some force, that was even stronger than Mufftaurs fury. It was almost as if they believed on this day, this one special, special day, they had nothing to fear.



And looking into their faces, the faces of the men, and the women, and the precious, precious children...Mufftaur felt something too. And he realized the Bear-ey Godfather was right all along. The Oracles HAD told him everything he needed to know. Love wasn't in Mufftaurs brain. Or in Mufftaurs muscles. Or in Mufftaurs loins. Love was in a different part of Mufftaur altogether.



And Mufftaur smiled the first smile of real, true joy he had ever known.



...

Epilogue



Mufftaur pushed back his chair from the edge of the town's great feasting table, and patted his stomach in satisfaction. It had been a magnificent feast, and Mufftaur was stuffed. He couldn't eat another bite. He sat back for a moment and savoured his new discovery with wonder and joy. He had finally found what he was looking for.



Love. The love of children.



Mufftaur licked his fingers in satisfaction, then put the rest of the tiny hand down on the table.



Yep. Mufftaur really loved children.



...

The End

...

Phla Mignog 131,068 34
12/25/2004 01:57 PM

Best. Christmas. Evar.

Merry-Derpa Christmahanakwanzaka-Derp 375 8
12/25/2004 02:28 PM

I'm nominating you for a woody!

Feliz Daisypie 49,378 9
12/25/2004 02:30 PM

Best non-article article EVAR!!

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
12/25/2004 02:36 PM

So the love was in the axe handle all along.



Excellent.

Tab-Yule-a Rasa 14,056 9
12/25/2004 02:47 PM

I still think the amazingly beautiful man was Mavis Beacon.

Jantastic 10,022 10
12/25/2004 10:07 PM

This is the best Decemberween ever.

WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
12/27/2004 11:15 AM

I can't believe I read that whole story and I wasn't even in it.



Its a good thing I had nothing better to do.



And 4 bottles of Arbor Mist

Chris Garrett, Version 20.05 86,932 12
12/27/2004 11:18 AM

Hell, I fell asleep at "Once Upon a Time."

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/27/2004 11:39 AM

3W.



"The Ever Wedging Panties".



I suspect you were well into the Arbor Mist by that chapter.







Chris



I just couldn't find a place to put you in the story. Sorry about that.

TheFoye 55,700 16
12/27/2004 01:48 PM

He made a Soldier doll of such frightening anatomical realism that it was actually unable to stand upright, and kept falling forward and banging its head. Outraged mommies frequently confiscated the doll from their daughters. Oddly, the dolls generally wound up in the mommies bedside drawer rather than the trash bin



I got a whole patagraph all to myself!





I feel accepted!

TheFoye 55,700 16
12/27/2004 01:49 PM

Now all I need to do is learn how to type and I will be set!

SHP resolves not to change her name 181,783 70
12/29/2004 05:20 PM

I go away for two days and I get put into a story! Best. After-Christmas. Evar.



I love you DemoMonkey!!

DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
12/29/2004 05:56 PM

Well as long as this got bumped anyways...



I'd like to thank everyone who clicked this story; I'm glad (and proud) it found an audience of loyal Muffclickers.



I'd like to thank Jannie for letting me steal teh term "Muffclicker".



I'd like to apologize to everyone I couldn't fit in the story.



I'd like to apologize even more to everyone I COULD fit in the story.



And finally, I'd like to thank Chris for being such a good sport about the whole thing. (I know those death threats were all in fun, big guy.)



And now, what you bought the DVD for: the Bonus "Deleted Lines"!





"You brilliant!" exclaimed Mufftaur.

"True" replied the handsome simian, "I'm written very sympathetically."





RosenNeep and GuildenJag, twin Kiwis that look firm and sweet but magically, are never quite ripe.





"Oracle have any tests that not make Mufftaur look like he embrace alternative lifestyle?" Mufftaur asked quizzically.





His silvery laugh tinkled like a gay ice cream truck. "Silly Mufftaur. It's Christmas!"





Mufftaurs special area grew three sizes that day, all the way to "Junior Husky".





By standing on a rock, Mufftaur was able to hop over the Low Wall of Chance. Which frankly was just not that scary.



"Hi Chance" Mufftaur said as he crossed her yard.



"Hi Mufftaur" she replied cheerily.





By reading Grays anatomy, he prepared himself to argue with the deadly Poe of doom. Well not really argue so much as listen to it's monologue.





By...ummm...well, walking quickly Mufftaur was able to escape the Lava Turtles, beasts that combined the legendary speed of turtles with the renowned agility of molten rock





By wearing his earmuffs he was able to cross another river, this one guarded by the not particularly scary, but desperate for attention, Dur fish.





A blue footed bird exposed it's man breasts for no apparent reason. ...





"This part is EASY!" remarked Mufftaur obliviously.

Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
12/29/2004 07:33 PM

I just read all of this in half an hour.Funny as hell but managed to keep a good storyline.Also great goatse,tubgirl and fellow gabber references.

Frogpop Nipping at your Nose 173,153 25
12/30/2004 01:46 AM

the shops previous owner, a chocolate maker who was facing 27 federal indictments



Great mention of Declan.. too funny!

Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
02/11/2005 08:56 PM

Ye gods how could I have missed this?

Mwahiy 5,425 9
06/22/2005 03:10 PM

<action>~bump~</action>

Duuuuh - Dyslexia Is Fnu 24,152 8
07/15/2005 04:26 PM

In times when the nOObs run GAB, we need MUFFTAUR!

Jade - Santa's Midnight Mistress 14,453 11
12/16/2005 12:34 PM

Bump for Christmas 2005!

Rabble: Snow is when polar bears wank 264 7
12/16/2005 03:39 PM

While this is being bumped...



Fortunately he had remembered to pack stout leather gloves



Gauntlets, that your hands be able to deflect blades without harm?



I thought Mufftaur was without gripping appendages?

TTJane-I woke up with a placebo headwound 173,958 15
09/03/2006 05:48 PM

<action>loses balance while trying to get her fat ass out of a chair and bumps into thread</action>

DemoMonkey will shoot your eye out. 166,252 10
12/17/2006 11:03 PM

Is it finally time for a sequel?



Why, I do believe it is.



Tune in tomorrow for an all new Chistmas serial, in a shiny new thread!

Midgets with his nose so bright 96,084 48
12/17/2006 11:06 PM

<action>gets so excited he wets himself</action>

Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
12/17/2006 11:09 PM

I hope the sequel has bats in it. I love stories with bats in them.

daisypie 49,378 9
12/17/2006 11:15 PM

Now I'm a believer!

BlueLep: Almost Capped In Tha' Ass 13,144 10
12/18/2006 03:13 AM

I hope the sequel has bats in it. I love stories with bats in them.



You are so right!



Bats, lots of bats. Bats are awesome.

anhishere creator of Kwanzaa 11,158 14
12/18/2006 03:16 AM

Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat!

Max Powers 68,758 11
12/18/2006 10:22 AM

I'm sorry I said you were on your period, Demo.









































Now would it really be that big of a stretch for the axe handle to go CRACKALACK!!?

Blue-Footed 'Sack Inaction' Boobie 21,744 10
12/18/2006 10:44 AM

A blue footed bird exposed it's man breasts for no apparent reason.



Huzzay!

The Decked in Holly Priestess 58,884 29
12/24/2010 09:26 PM

Because 6 mother-Frosting years later, it's still funny. Even if half the people don't post anymore.

Under-appreciated. 101,393 77
12/24/2010 10:27 PM

I would have liked it better if I had been in it. Every time this thread gets bumped, I re-read it, just in case I missed a reference to me the last time. Then, I get to be disappointed all over again.

Eh.

SIV9939 13,596 16
12/24/2010 11:16 PM

I would have liked it better if I had been in it.

I thought you were the steel wool thong, Undies.