Monster.com Prank
A comedy article
by Ninja Claus  161,353  14
12/14/2004 12:17 AM 532 views
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 I'm about halfway to a Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing. I just need to finish my Community College "degree" and transfer to state college. In a few short months I'll have an Associates Degree in Liberal Arts, which will come in very handy if I need a scrap of paper to start a fire or perhaps write out a shopping list. I decided to see what kind of job a guy with an AA in Liberal Arts could get, so I posted my resume to Monster.com.
If you've never posted a resume to Monster before, let me give you a little break down of how it works. You give them all your career experience and tell them what job you'd like to have. Then you type up a little "I love me" letter and post it. The magic of Monster is that your resume can be seen by any company in the world. Microsoft, Wal-Mart, Enron, all of them can skim your resume and match you to an exciting career opportunity. It's a really awesome system, IN THEORY. In reality, after you submit your resume, you get a flood of spam. I actually got an email promising me a fantastic job with the following opening line:
"We are looked at your resume and am impressed by your professional level!"
Every spam I have recieved thus far has been "amazed" or "very impressed" by my level of professionalism. In fact, they've all decided I'm PERFECT for a career in their sales departments. Which is amazing since I requested jobs in print and internet media and have no experience in sales.
So now my junk-mail filter is in over-drive. I decided to get a little payback. I made a new resume, only this time I made it a point to be as unhireable as humanly possible. I want to see how far I can go and still be offered jobs through Monster's amazing spam machine career matching software.
The first thing Monster wants from you is your name and address. I used my alias, Steve Jonas Polychronopolous and said I was from Knob Noster, MO. For those of you unfamiliar with tiny towns in Missouri that reek of chicken feces, Knob Noster is, in fact, a real town. Then Monster asked for my target career title. I thought long and hard (maybe six whole seconds) and came up with "Managerial Acquisitions Project Team Motivational Leader."
After the formalities, the real fun begins. Resume building! For my resume headline, which is the first thing companies will see when they search my resume, I put "Out-of-Box Thinking Money-Making Expert 3 yrs. w/o OTJ Assault Charges." You gotta draw them in, you see. Three years without an assault charge? I'd hire me!
Next I outlined (in 2000 words or less) my skills summary:
"As a highly motivated manager, I use the survival instincts I learned in prison to get things done. My techniques are out-of-the-box as I have no problem belittling and occasionally striking a junior member of my team. If need be I can stay later and help clean up, as my last job was as lead custodial technician at a local junior high school. I am an expert in computers, having owned several in the mid-eighties. I am also a skilled salesman if you take into account my beating a charge of child-molestation despite an overwhelming body of evidence against me. Occasionally I will pee on the floor. I frequently masturbate in the stalls of the women's bathroom after viewing internet scat porn. I bring a can-do attitude to every project."
Did you hear that, Wall Street? I HAVE A CAN-DO ATTITUDE!
Now to paint a picture of America's worst employee.
Experience:
Edu-mah-cation:
What skills do I bring to the workplace?
Extranjeros lenguas?
Affiliations
There is an optional screen to brag about any affiliations I might have. Some good examples would be the National Honors Society, Mensa, or maybe even Skull and Bones (I hear they get to run for president!) Since I'm trying to be the WORST prospective employee, I settled on this:
I posted my resume on the thirteenth of December. With a little luck I should be offered several high paying jobs within 24 hours. THAT'S THE MAGIC OF THE INTERNET, HOLMES. Stay tuned.
Steve Polychronopolous is a character in an Adam Sandler song. Adam Sandler used to be very funny. Seth Macy, who wrote this piece, is a student, a father, a writer, a website content administrator and webmaster of VonKaiser.com
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
128 votes
5.0
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35 Comments on "Monster.com Prank"
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Ninja Claus 161,353  14
12/14/2004 12:40 AM
Shakespeare, I forgot to mention I listed my alternate job title as "Emperor of Krypton" and my desired salary at $250,000 a year.
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A cup of Christmas Hammerhead 59,399 14
12/14/2004 12:55 AM
I was hoping that you'd use the job title line to put an acronym for goatse or something.
I've always thought about posting some stupid Shakespeare like this on Monster. Good job.
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AussieSarah 8,390 9
12/14/2004 01:02 AM
With that resume how could you not get a high paying executive job !
After all aren't most exec's over payed , cheating ,stealing ,full of crap , idiots ?!
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/14/2004 10:27 AM
I did a TDY at Whiteman AFB, so that's how I know about good old Knob Noster. Best town name EVER.
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Roofie the Red-Nosed Raccoon 56,688 10
12/14/2004 10:55 AM
We also have Licking MO. I envy everyone who lives there.
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Ghost of Chickens Past 286,527 61
12/14/2004 11:48 AM
I just Shakespeare myself reading that.
Really. I was laughing and farting a bit at the same time and the groundhog decided he could come out of his hole. Good thing it was solid.
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millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/14/2004 11:48 AM
You will NOT get a high-paying job with a B.F.A. YOU WILL NOT.
If you are only going to college to learn something and hone your talent, fine. But don't expect it to get you a good job.
Go to graduate school. Maybe you can get a professor job (ha).
Oh, and your prank was funny. Sorry to get sidetracked when I projected my own experiences onto your life.
Ignore me. I'm sure you'll be very successful.
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silly drunken monkey 615 9
12/14/2004 11:57 AM
I think my favorite place name is actually 'Cum Hag Wood' (somewhere near Scarborough in the UK). The benefits of having some place names that are thousands of years old. Other favorites from the UK are Slag Hill, Menlove Gardens, Fanny Burn and Brown Willy.
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/14/2004 12:08 PM
Nintendo of America was looking for someone with a B.A. in English, journalism, or related, to copy edit and write for Nintendo Power and other coroporate publications. I could work for NINTENDO with my B.A. That's all I really want.
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Ghost of Chickens Past 286,527 61
12/14/2004 12:10 PM
Buck Snort, NC.
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millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/14/2004 12:13 PM
Sorry, my bitterness is directed at myself, not you. My B.F.A. is in drawing, not writing, so don't mind me.
I wish you good luck and success.
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/14/2004 12:16 PM
I hear it all the time. "Your degree is worthless!" Then you meet someone with a degree in Computer Engineering working at Border's.
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My Santa is the Chit 178,776 15
12/14/2004 12:20 PM
Hope you dont share email with the wife Chi, how bad would that suck if someone actually offered you a high paying job and she caught wind of it........Frost around and yourself all employeed and Shakespeare, Yikes !
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/14/2004 08:46 PM
A true ninja shares his email with no one.
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Mechman 119 8
12/14/2004 10:29 PM
There's a guy in a town a few miles from my house who lives on Howyocum lane.
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/14/2004 10:47 PM
Yep.
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Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
12/14/2004 11:17 PM
We also have Licking MO. I envy everyone who lives there.
I envy Mo.
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/15/2004 10:10 PM
Only one spam so far. There probably won't be a Monster.com Prank II.
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No_Kringle_Bandit 76,490 10
12/16/2004 11:12 AM
"You will NOT get a high-paying job with a B.F.A. YOU WILL NOT."
You information is inaccurate cupcake. There is a woman who works in our HR department who makes a ton of money, and she has the Biggest Frost-ing Ass I think I have ever seen this side of a sir mix-a-lot video.
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Chilly Willy - Xmas Lurker 87 8
12/16/2004 06:02 PM
The first time I decided to check out Monster.com I got a small flood of emails from unrelated professions.
Then I got the email from my current ex employer:
Any luck? You'll need it.
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millie christmas and and happy new year 116,988 28
12/16/2004 08:03 PM
No-Key, it was obviously her large butt that got her the job, not her B.F.A.
I am working on making my ass bigger so I can get a better job.
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Ninja Claus 161,353 14
12/16/2004 10:05 PM
I have to tell the truth: I'm a fan of large posteriors.
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Boots at the Boar 2,305 11
12/17/2004 01:06 AM
Chi likes the big girls that got much back, so all you fat-heinied biatches move your keisters to the front of the line and get his party started.
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WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
12/17/2004 11:59 AM
I think you went a littl overboard too. But it was funny nonetheless.
I am still getting job offers from a resume I posted on there in 1999. They apparently do not purge their files.
However, if anyone is looking for a position in a recieving area there are LOTS of forklift operator positions put there.
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Mospaw the Indestructible Newbie 86 11
12/17/2004 05:48 PM
"We also have Licking MO. I envy everyone who lives there."
Except for Larry and Curly. That would suck to be them. I'd rather get poked in the eye.
With something not made out of meat.
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One Mile Wide 83 9
12/19/2004 05:55 PM
Cripes.. Small arms expert.. Prison.kkk....Watch.. With credentials like the that Large Southern Corporations should be sending job offers to you in NO time!
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Ghost of Chickens Past 286,527 61
12/20/2004 01:21 PM
The boss's blowjob secretary may be high paying, but I'm not sure it constitutes "GREAT".
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Frankie 161,353 14
03/18/2005 05:09 PM
Time will tell on this one.
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Chi-Chi P. Felipe 161,353 14
03/23/2005 02:33 PM
I recieved nothing but a flood of spams. I would have replied to them but I like not having to empty my inbox twice a day.
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Inanimate Carbon Rod 161,353 14
04/01/2005 05:59 PM
The bad news is that I won't be making an update. The good news is that if you ever sign up for Monster and are hesitant to throw away a job offer because it might not be spam, go ahead and throw it away. Because it is spam.
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millie 116,988 28
04/01/2005 07:39 PM
Like learning spelling and grammar?
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