I Think I'm Turning Japanese
A comedy article
by Joe The Peacock  2,857  10
12/27/2004 11:49 PM 1260 views
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 "It looks like I've found something worth doing in this God-forsaken state," Mike said as he marched into the room.
"What's that? Suicide?"
"Sushi."
I perked up. "There's sushi in Iowa?"
"Yeah, Andrea's grandmother said they just opened a sushi place in Des Moines a few months ago. That's only an hour from here."
"Let's go," I said, marching into the kitchen to fetch the ladies.
Andrea, her Grandma Pete and her Aunt Jan were soon looking at me in unison, excruciatingly silent.
"Come on, it'll be fun!" I tried to convince them.
"I don't think I'd like sushi much," Aunt Jan replied. "I don't really want to eat raw fish."
Grandma Pete perked up. "I dunno ... I've been meaning to try it. I'm probably going to die soon anyway. What the hell! Jan, let's go with them!"
"I don't want to eat no bait," Jan muttered.
"Oh, Jan, shove it up your ass. Just for once, think of someone other than yourself."
Mike and I looked at one another and burst into laughter. That was Grandma Pete.
The journey to Des Moines was excruciating. We all "oooh'ed" as we passed the grain silo that was destroyed by a tornado in 1999. The "ahhh's" practically leapt from our mouths when we caught a lucky glimpse of the Oldest Cow in Iowa. When we saw one of the new purple-spotted milk trucks advertising the local dairy, I had to hold my legs together for fear of wetting myself.
We finally rolled into the bustling metropolis that is Des Moines, and I was severely underwhelmed. Des Moines is less like a city and more like an experiment in lack of sensory input. Everything is remarkably bland, the scenery blending together into a dull beige almost everywhere we looked - with the notable exception of the sushi restaurant.
WOW. The only word to describe the restaurant was "festive." It was so stereotypically Japanese that I expected to see Chosen and Daniel-san fighting in the parking lot as Mr. Myiagi spun his hand-drum. There were paper lanterns strung from the periphery of the building, each one shaped as a bulb or a fish. The walkway was made of pebbles, bonsaied trees scattered amongst bronze statues of samurai in the courtyards on either side of the path. The doors were made of steel and glass (but refaced to resemble wood and rice paper), and opened on tracks horizontally, just as you would expect from any door in any Japanese-themed movie. As we drew nearer, the "plings" and "twangs" of traditional Koto music could be heard growing louder, until I eventually realized they were played through a synthesizer.
Mike was severely amused. "God ... look at this place! THIS RULES!" He broke into a fit of laughter.
"This place looks like it landed here after being kicked out of Japan by Godzilla," I agreed.
"My relatives are trying to do something that we might find fun," said Andrea. Her voice was hushed but her tone was stern. "Please be appreciative."
"Fine," I said. "I just hope everyone isn't kung-fu fighting."
We were greeted by a tall white girl dressed in a kimono who looked as a traditional Japanese woman would, if Abercrombie and Fitch had existed in feudal Japan. "Ko-Neeeeechy Wah!" she shrieked.
The only thing that could have been more degrading to the Japanese would have been Charlie Chan videos playing from monitors in the lobby, or a scale model of a World War II internment camp made of Legos.
We were escorted to a table, where we were soon greeted by our server, a young Midwestern girl dressed as a geisha, her blonde hair tied in a bun and skewered by chopsticks.
"Kon Bahhhhhn Wahhhhh, and welcome to The Sushi Palace. I am Tiffany-san, and I will be your server. Can I start you out with a Coke or beer?"
"Tiffany-san, are you aware that you just called yourself 'Mister Tiffany' in Japanese?" I asked.
"Huh?"
I shook my head. "I'd like green tea, please."
"It's bottled, is that OK?"
"Bottled?"
"Yes. It's Sobe, I think."
"You don't have brewed green tea?"
"No sir."
"What kind of Japanese place doesn't have hot green tea?" I asked. Andrea was giving me a look.
"Joe, just drink the damn Sobe," Grandma Pete commanded. That solved that.
She took the rest of our drink orders. "Domoh Arrey Gatoo! I will be right back with those!"
A few minutes later, she came back with my ice-cold bottle of Sobe. "So what can I get for you tonight?"
"Joe, why don't you just order for us, since you know what to get?" Jan asked.
"Well, I highly recommend the Seppuku," I said without thinking.
Mike choked on his water. Andrea shot me a look that should have left an exit wound.
Grandma Pete spoke up, "Ooh, that sounds exotic. What is it?"
"Well, if I told you, you may not try it. Trust me, it's good."
"Umm..." our annoying little Geisha chimed up, "I don't know if we have that here."
"Trust me, all the GOOD sushi places have it. Go back and ask the chef to give you the Seppuku."
"Um, OK ... I'll be right back!" She shuffled off to the chef station.
Everyone at the table began to demand to know about Seppuku. I explained the laws of bushido to them, giving a brief history on the ritual of Seppuku. As I was getting to the part where the samurai would slide the blade of the knife across the intestines and then thrust it upward into his heart, our server returned.
"Our chefs said they can't do that."
"Aww, that's a SHAME!" I replied. "I had my heart set on the Seppuku!"
Everyone at the table chuckled at my witty pun.
"When I asked the chefs what it was, they all started laughing. What is it?"
"Oh, it's really good. You should DEFINITELY try it sometime."
"Okay, is there something else I can get for you?"
"Well, if there's one thing I like better than a chef doing Seppuku, it's several of them making Bukkake!"
Mike was dying. Andrea sat stone-faced, unable to look at me.
"It usually takes more than one person to make it," I explained. "And since there are six of us, all of your chefs may have to join in to make enough. Ask them if they have time, and tell them we are patient and will wait for it."
She scribbled a bit on her pad, and shuffled away to ask the chefs for the third most searched word on Google.
"OK," Andrea's grandmother stated, "I demand to know what Bukkake is."
"Well, it's when..."
"NO!" Andrea raised her hand to my mouth. "Grandma, you do NOT want to know!"
I glanced over at the chef station to see them howling with laughter. Our server was talking to a tall dark-haired white guy who looked like the manager of the restaurant. She pointed over at our table, and we decided to calm it down.
When our server returned, I kept my quips to myself. She recommended the "shrimp roll thingies" and "some smoked salmon things ... I don't remember what they are called, but they are really good." I ordered the sashimi sampler, hoping that I might win the raw fish lottery and actually get something worth eating.
My hopes were dashed as the food was placed before me. Each piece looked as if it was hacked from the body of the fish with a chainsaw. The platter had an unmistakably "fishy" smell, and as the old saying goes, "If it smells like fiShakespeare's not good fish." Nervously, I nibbled on a piece of yellowtail.
It was like chewing on a flip-flop.
I let the disgusting morsel drop out of my mouth, which I immediately filled with Sobe green tea. The mixture of sour fish and overly-sweetened green-tea-flavored beverage was awful. "This place SUCKS," I said, perhaps too loudly.
"Yeah, mine's not that great either," Mike added.
"Dude, you ordered RICE."
"So? The ricks sucks too."
"Well, you can have what's left of this," I said.
I picked up the fetid contents of my triangle-shaped plate, and dumped them directly on top of Mike's food. Aggravated, Mike picked up one of the slabs of fish and flung it at me, striking me in the face. I was momentarily stunned from the meaty projectile that had just slapped me. The look on my face must have been priceless, because Andrea started laughing uncontrollably.
"What? What's so funny about being hit in the face with fish?"
This question just prompted another fit of laughter, this time with her grandmother and aunt joining in the chorus. Determined to silence this racket, I reached over to Mike's plate, and grabbed a handful of the glop.
"Don't you DARE!" Andrea exclaimed. She smacked the fistful of fish away from her, too hard, and the mess was flung across the table, hitting her grandmother. We both stood there with our mouths open in horror. Grandma had raw fish on her face.
"Grandma Pete! I am soooo sorry!" Andrea started.
Her grandmother calmly wiped her face. "Joe," she said, "get her."
That was all it took. Mike grabbed Andrea from behind as I picked up another handful of the mess and dumped it on her head. She screamed, securing the attention of every patron near us who wasn't already watching the fishy food fight.
Within seconds, the manager hustled back into the room, red-faced and steaming. "You need to leave. NOW."
We stood there bashfully.
"RIGHT NOW. Please, collect your things and leave the premises, or I will have to call the police."
We complied, slowly filing out of the room. When we reached the door, Grandma Pete stopped, then turned and faced the manager. She exclaimed in a loud yet effeminate voice, "This place Frost-ing sucks."
Mike, Andrea and I crawled the rest of the way, since we were doubled over with laughter. Just before we left, I turned around and shouted, "And by the way! I'm telling everyone I know that the bukkake here is HORRIBLE!"
Joe the PeaColeridge is the owner and proprietor of Mentally Incontinent.
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Like This? Rate It!
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Side-splitting
193 votes
5.0
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0 votes
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252  10
01/14/2005 04:45 PM
For some reason this makes me wonder what "Animal House" would have been like if Kurosawa had made it.
It also made me laugh. A lot. Well done.
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Oliver Chest 203,475 12
01/14/2005 04:45 PM
Poop to fost!!!
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Oliver Chest 203,475 12
01/14/2005 04:46 PM
You damned dirty ape...
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Sexual Harassment Panda 181,783 70
01/14/2005 05:05 PM
I so want to go out to eat with you.
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20 Chickens 286,527 61
01/14/2005 05:09 PM
Oh crap. A ditz asking a bunch of jap cooks for bukkake. Too. Good.
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Gabe 9,232 13
01/14/2005 05:13 PM
I'm moving to Iowa.
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Livewire 78,229 13
01/14/2005 05:20 PM
Wonderful. Good to see you back, PeaColeridge Joe.
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Aimless 54,807 10
01/14/2005 05:24 PM
Why the Frost would anyone get sushi in the Midwest? How fresh do you think it could possibly be in the middle of the Frost-ing US? Take it from a native Iowan and stick to the steak.
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No_Key_Bandit 76,490 10
01/14/2005 06:10 PM
Originally read this on Mentally Incontinent.
By the way, if you ever go to Japan don't order the bukkake, it tastes like Shakespeare.
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RedstaR I'm not a communist 1,068 8
01/14/2005 08:11 PM
Well hell someones gotta ask, what's bukkake?
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Side-splitting
1 votes
5.0
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Mechman 119 8
01/14/2005 08:47 PM
Bukkake is when a Mommy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy and a Daddy all decide that Mommy needs some special facial moisturiser
You had me laughing out loud there.
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One Mile Wide 83 9
01/14/2005 08:49 PM
Kinda disappointed..Thought there would be a poop joke in there somewhere.
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One Mile Wide 83 9
01/14/2005 08:59 PM
"Well, if there's one thing I like better than a chef doing Seppuku, it's several of them making Bukkake!"
Wow, good thing I wasn't drinking milk, it would be flowing... just like the Bukkake...
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One Mile Wide 83 9
01/14/2005 09:01 PM
Yknow what they say about Bukkake... come one come all.
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Vlad The Impaler (Purveyor of aMurder.com) 19,599 12
01/14/2005 09:03 PM
Mechman, that was almost as good as the story. That was some damn fine humor. I just heard some really sad news, and I still hurt myself laughing. Thanks for making me feel better Coleridgey!
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Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/15/2005 01:10 AM
I want to commend Joe for the article. I laughed my ass off, and so did my sister when I read it to her.
And I commend the article nazi for finally bringing an article that was funny.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
01/15/2005 03:04 AM
Lies! All lies!
but funny lies.
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aytcH 0 8
01/15/2005 02:13 PM
This was awesome!
But F you 20 chickens!
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Mechman 119 8
01/15/2005 05:24 PM
Tragically, I can't take credit for that line. It's from bash.org
But the best jokes are stolen jokes.
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ffunyman 0 8
01/15/2005 06:04 PM
Totally overblown, not that good.
I didn't really enjoy it, perhaps because bukkake was really really funny minus three years before I heard about it.
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Roofie the Wonder Coon 56,688 10
01/15/2005 11:32 PM
I don't care if this isn't new or original, I laughed heartily.
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WickedWedgieWoman 15,741 12
01/15/2005 11:39 PM
Well, it certainly has universal appeal, I'll give it that.
Nice going Joe
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Aryael 0 8
01/16/2005 11:56 AM
bwahahahaha. that was awesome. let's get some seppuku...brilliant. made up, but brilliant.
san doesn't necessarily mean "mister" in japanese, it's just a term used to address some one politely whom u don't know very well.
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aytcH 0 8
01/16/2005 12:11 PM
Not necessarily someone you don't know, but anyone. And you never use 'san' on yourself.
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
01/16/2005 06:47 PM
ffunyman
1/15/2005 5:04 pm [9S7z+ZJDWgFxlMl372UvfQ]
Totally overblown, not that good.
I didn't really enjoy it, perhaps because bukkake was really really funny minus three years before I heard about it.
Isn't that cute, he's jealous! Not only did he have to register with four different screen names just to praise his own article, he also feels the need to criticize the funny articles in hopes that his seem better in comparison. Unfortunatley, we have our own minds so you did all that work for nothing.
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
01/16/2005 06:49 PM
By the way Joe, fantastic article. Grandma Pete is one of the most awesome grandma's ever.
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Joe The Peacock 2,857 10
01/16/2005 09:34 PM
Thanks, everyone! I'm out of town and haven't had internet access as of late, so it was a very nice suprise (bukkake!!) to come back on and see such great feedback.
I love Zug. Oh so very much.
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The Unblinking Brown Eye 0 8
01/17/2005 06:15 PM
When I spent three months training in Japan I went to the local porn shop and tried asking the guy working there where a strip club is. I didn't speak any Japanese then and he didn't speak English. After awhile he seemed to know what I was looking for and he draws the name of some place in kanji and a dot on my map. He wanted to call a taxi for me but I figured to just walk there. It was raining so he insisted I take an umbrella. I spent quite awhile wondering around on a Saturday night trying to find this place with a porn shop umbrella. Later I found out there are no strippers around southern Kyushu but, as a New Zealander said, "there's burly topless Russian women over there". To this day I don't know where he was sending me but my best guess is it was a "soapland" where a cutie bathes you and usually gives a handy or more.
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aytcH 0 8
01/17/2005 07:55 PM
interesting... what did you wonder about?
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jacketpotatoe 25 8
01/17/2005 08:13 PM
Isn't that cute, he's jealous! Not only did he have to register with four different screen names just to praise his own article, he also feels the need to criticize the funny articles in hopes that his seem better in comparison. Unfortunatley, we have our own minds so you did all that work for nothing.
thanks for your snide remarks, but that was not me. if you've got a way to check ips, go ahead- that's one of my friends who i told to check out my article.
i've no way to prove that isn't me, but i'll give you my word that it isn't. i personally enjoyed this article.
again, check his ip if there's a way and then feel free to bring yourself back to your oh-so-creative cynical remarks for as long as you so desire.
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FlyingNun 1,412 10
01/17/2005 08:42 PM
I honestly thought that there wasn't a place in the world (except for France) that didn't have a high quality sushi place within 20 minutes. And I don't mean just good suShakespearehe servers have to have trouble understanding you, there should be several swords on the wall, and there has to be at least one sushi chef who keeps flashing you evil looks and hovers very close to them who looks like he eats samurai for lunch.
And I grew up in the suburbs. You poor hicks rednecks country music stars gentlemen of the south!
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FlyingNun 1,412 10
01/17/2005 08:43 PM
suexcrement.... what... please replace the previous word with "sushi", ",", and "the". Thankyou.
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aytcH 0 8
01/20/2005 10:00 PM
except it wasn't correct. She is Tiffany-san yes. But I would never say my name is Ken-san. You would introduce me as Ken-san, but I would say my name is Ken.
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Tocpe 4 8
01/21/2005 11:23 AM
Man your grandma sounds like mine. Funny story! :thumbsup:
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Everett, a.k.a. Sy the Photo Guy 6,547 10
01/26/2005 07:50 PM
"In Dallas, they call it sushi; in Fort Worth, we call it bait!"
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Mr. Briham 38,843 10
01/26/2005 08:10 PM
Yeah, Jacketpotatoe, it seems you got me. I went back and checked the ip's and it was the the two guys ahead of ffunyman who mysteriously had the same ip's as you. It isn't illogical to assume that, since there are three n00bs in a row, all praising and article, and the first two have the same ip as the writer, the third is also the writer. I realized my mistake after I posted that comment, so I just sat back and hoped no one would catch it.
Thus, it would be more correct for me to say that it was your friend who is unfairly criticizing an excellent article just because your's wasn't as well recieved. So I'm sorry for my inaccurate comment. Still, it's bad form to get your friends to register just to praise your article. If your so insecure that you have to have someone praising you, you probably shouldn't be here as we will tell you what we really think.
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Everett, a.k.a. Sy the Photo Guy 6,547 10
01/27/2005 03:27 PM
If it's not breaded (or batter-dipped) and then deep-fried, I'm not interested.
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Trixxie 65,026 15
02/16/2005 12:09 PM
It was really funny till you got to the part where supposed adults started acting like unsupervised 4 years olds in a public restaurant.
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fruitCake 14 8
04/07/2005 08:29 PM
i really need to stop reading these things at work. i am laughing so hard that my cubicle walls are shaking! great story!
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Teh Original Chickens 286,527 61
04/13/2005 09:46 AM
I'm pretty sure this is the best article ever.
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It's beginning to look a lot like McPants 19,555 11
12/02/2005 09:22 PM
Actually, young idiot, it's spelled in this way: konnichiha.
"Konnichiwa" is a common spelling error, often made by us westerners.
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Luscious: DCVDP Addict 16,937 8
03/14/2006 08:13 PM
Sumimasen, michi ni mayoi maShakespearea. Nihongo o hanasemasen.
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Timmy The Talking Toilet 11,593 15
03/15/2006 04:11 PM
That was Frost-ing awesome.
on another note, there are a couple of ok places for sushi out in Omaha, and in Westport (KC) Mo.
Where in Iowa are you?
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andeny 0 6
09/10/2006 09:52 AM
This sounds like it came out of a bad movie. I particularly liked this line: "Everyone at the table chuckled at my witty pun." That perfectly characterizes my impression of the story, "Everyone, look how charmingly witty I am!"
In fact, I think it did come out of a bad movie as I lived in Des Moines for 12 years, and I know that there's no "Sushi Palace". The entire story was made up to stroke the authors ego and make him look funny.
By the way, if you ever really are in Des Moines and want suShakespeareaki's (the only sushi place in town, although it's actually in Urbandale, a suburb) has amazingly good sushi. And that's compared to places in New York, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles.
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andeny 0 6
09/10/2006 09:54 AM
That should be sushi and then the name Taki's.
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Funny
1 votes
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Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
09/10/2006 10:15 AM
I knew that if we waited long enough, a renowned sushi-and-humour expert from Iowa would show up.
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The one that broke the camel's back 97,986 37
09/10/2006 11:07 AM
Hey, I thought I'd give you all a heads up about the correct usage of "san." It doesn't have male or female connotations, it is simply a polite form of addressing someone. Having said that, the server should not have addressed herself that way.
Hope that clears things up!
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Cantremember 658 7
09/10/2006 12:26 PM
Well now I can sleep....
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CaseyLou 144 7
09/11/2006 08:27 AM
Seems as if some people have read Shogun one to many times.
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Lil_Rebbitzen (Lil'Bit) 1 5
06/15/2009 09:30 PM
Having cut my teeth on sushi (literally), I found this quite true, and quite funny. Thankfully, Atlanta has some good sushi places.
-Sama is a higher honorific than -san, sometimes used for refering to their gods or to a 'lord', which would be a good way to translate it.
Good job, Joe!
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Amusing
1 votes
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Your What?! Hurts? 5,582 10
06/16/2009 06:26 AM
Wow. Timely, much?
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