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Beer: the Cause of, and Solution to, All of Life's Problems
"He was a wise man who invented beer." -- Plato
"I want to kiss you." -- Joe Namath
Beer dates back to over 6000 years ago, to approximately 6000 B.T.* That's 312 kiloweeks! It is first mentioned on stone tablets carefully crafted by the Sumerians, a proud people who are also credited with inventing the wheel (the wheel was a fine invention, Dave Barry would later note, but it does not go nearly as well with pizza). Although some communist scientists believe that beer's discovery was a happy coincidence resulting from wet bread that was left outside and later fermenting, church scholars in the Middle Ages were quick to point out its true origin:
Sadly, the Sumerians could not hang on to this divine drink for very long. They picked a fight with a much bigger civilization ("it seemed like a good idea at the time," lamented Ur) and their Bronze Age weapons proved no match for the barbaric Hangoverians. Fortunately, some wise priests (or possibly beer witches, depending on which textbook you read) preserved the sacred recipe in a temple where it would be protected by Ageczek, guardian of the brew. In what became a popular tradition, many subsequent cultures would visit the temple and assign a new god to the drink: Dionysus, Bacchus, and the generally unpopular Shakespearefacius were amongst the earliest ale deities.
Not much changed until the sixteenth century. As Europe burst forth from the placenta of the Dark Ages into the inviting embrace of the Age of Exploration, people decided they would no longer be content with swill-flavored beer (a landmark decision later upheld by The People v. Bud Ice, 163 Ger 537). As a result, Germany decreed in 1516 that only barley, hops, and pure water could be used, which was a vast improvement over the existing standard of "don't ask, don't tell." Little known fact: the need for better beer was originally Martin Luther's 96th thesis.
Beer has remained more or less the same great tasting, less filling product since then. There were minor changes in the fermenting process, as well as an ill-fated attempt to cater to vampires by mixing in 4% blood by volume (later repealed), but beer has survived intact all these years.
Yawn! All that history is boring me! Let's get to something exciting, like drinking beer.
Why to Drink Beer
All the cool kids do it.
But What About the Associated Risks?
A quick look at the pros and cons of drinking should put your mind at ease
It's a common misperception that drinking beer is unhealthy and can lead to a Michelin popping up around your gut. In reality, drinking beer has been proven to increase life-span expectancy by up to five years.***
Don't forget the educational value: Fosters taught me how to speak Australian.
Getting Started (Beer for Dummies)
Most polished drinkers prefer a full-bodied beer with rich amber color and just the right bit of hops. This drink satisfies like an Asian bride on the last week of her visa. Unfortunately, many Americans don't have the pleasure of either one, which explains why swill remains the standard in the States. Yanks: if you must consume an American major-brew, put down your Schmitt's and have MGD to go with your outdoor bar-b-q and your freedom fries. Foreign beers are preferable (when people are watching) and Heineken is one of the best. If beer drank beer, it would have a Heinie. (Side note: as a Bostonian, it is my civic duty to be informed of the history of Samuel Adams. Adams fought against the Intolerable Acts and bad-tasting beer. By most accounts, he was successful on both fronts.)
No matter what you do, stay away from any beer ending in -weiser. Do you really want to drink a Jewish beer?
So You've Found a Beer
Take a few minutes away from this article to enjoy the liquidy goodness.
"Whoa... why am I falling off the face of the earth?"
Easy there, chief! It's a good idea to know your limits before you set out to drink.
If you aren't careful, you may end up ca-----(censored) or da-(editor's note: due to the new FCC regulations, we're just going to skip past this part)- after all, Stephen Hawking stumbled upon his theories of the spacetime continuum after an all-night bender left him with large, unexplainable gaps of time.
Back to the main point: drinking can be the most rewarding experience of your life, but only in moderation. It's like Uncle Ben said, "with great power comes great irritability." Know your limits. Be cool. You don't want to be this guy:
The End
*Before Two Thousand and Five
** The widely accepted Buffalo Theory, first proposed by Cliff Clavin
*** Fact may be made up
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Like This? Rate It!
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Hilarious
65 votes
4.9
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29 Comments on "Beer: The Case For"
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Lunchbox 14,650  10
01/20/2005 11:04 PM
i didnt read the article, but first to poast!!!1!
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Sideburns Felipe 161,353 14
01/20/2005 11:06 PM
You should read it. It's Frost-ing great.
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Sideburns Felipe 161,353 14
01/20/2005 11:07 PM
And I should resize those images...
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Brian Toldme 86,705 14
01/20/2005 11:10 PM
I can't fit it all on my screen.
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Sideburns Felipe 161,353 14
01/20/2005 11:10 PM
Try turning your screen on its side while I try and get these images resized.
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
01/20/2005 11:13 PM
So, this is what envy feels like.
Outstanding, Captain Dan. Absolutely outstanding.
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Dogs Akimbo 211,569 32
01/20/2005 11:18 PM
Shakespeare, Shakespeare, Shakespeare.
New guy, funny AND has an article.
I'm never gonna hold onto 65...
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Humphrey B 51,764 12
01/20/2005 11:33 PM
This drink satisfies like an Asian bride on the last week of her visa.
Gold.
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Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
01/20/2005 11:42 PM
Some points:
1. Funniest. Article. Since-whatever-my-last-article-was.
2. I used to live in Stettler! I remember reading that story in the Red Deer Advocate, even though I didn't live there at the time.
3. I think Letterman is funny. . . even when I'm sober. It's only when you compare him to John Stewart that he seems unfunny.
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Fratberry 282,931 53
01/20/2005 11:51 PM
You had me at "Namath". Freakin' brilliant.
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Space Admiral BobJohnson 178,045 22
01/20/2005 11:54 PM
As a graduate of William E. Hay Composite High School, I feel I'm entitled to some of the clickies for this article.
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Gabosaurus Rex 9,232 13
01/20/2005 11:56 PM
Way to break your article cherry! w00t!
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Fratberry 282,931 53
01/21/2005 12:02 AM
"If the shorts taste like Shakespeare, you must acquit."
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Frogpop 173,153 25
01/21/2005 01:01 AM
Side note: as a Bostonian..
Woo-Hoo! In your FACE, Gabbers! So much for your fancy Southern shindigs! Now with Me, Garret, Daisypie, Nutbutter, Dan, Al, and some "Jeff" guy, Y'ALL will have to come to US!
How you like them lobstahs?!
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Captain Dan's Sea Legs 44,452 11
01/21/2005 03:54 AM
Thanks for the kind words. I aspire to one day be a certified boot-licking Gab peon.
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Chickens gone crusing TOMORROW 286,527 61
01/21/2005 04:55 AM
This drink satisfies like an Asian bride on the last week of her visa.
Best. Metaphor. Evar.
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Frogpop 173,153 25
01/21/2005 04:56 AM
heh
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Just Chit till Presidents Day 178,776 15
01/21/2005 06:20 AM
I can just hear it.
"Dude, are you OK to drive?"
"Yea, I'll be fine. Just everyone give me your under ware."
Terrific article and a crowd pleaser of a topic too.
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DemoMonkey. Period. 166,252 10
01/21/2005 11:49 AM
Bump for the day crowd. Too good to miss.
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Oliver Chest 203,475 12
01/21/2005 01:26 PM
sweet.
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Underwhere? 101,393 77
01/21/2005 02:26 PM
This explains a lot.
Thanks Cap'n Dan!
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dropkick brody 43,090 12
01/21/2005 03:56 PM
as wasted as irony on Alanis Morriset
Preach it!!
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johnnykielbasa2000 15,703 0
08/31/2005 03:19 AM
I posted this because I know more about Beer than Bowling
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Mike Bragg 216 7
11/05/2005 06:04 AM
Great. But nowhere did I see mention of the heretic, Malt Liquor. Anyone who's ever been hit with a 211 Steel Reserve hangover can hardly ignore the sheer evil of the Malt Liquor.
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
11/06/2005 02:37 PM
This drink satisfies like an Asian bride on the last week of her visa.
Comedy gold, now on UKTV! That quote's a cliche by now in this topic, but still. Brilliant article. I am the Walrus, goo-goo-ga-joob.
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
11/06/2005 02:39 PM
Also, what's happened to the pics. Damn the red x! Oops, i damned the Red Cross. Oh well, that's a couple of million less Africans, and a couple more pounds not spent on charity. Win-win all round, really.
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Crazy but Smart Scottish Boy 263 8
11/06/2005 02:41 PM
Also, this thread= 73h pop culture reference, from the king of references, Simpsons. And I have another 3 Darth Jackpot!!! $500 Canadian!!
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