Lamburger 33,017 9
01/26/2005 11:57 PM

Mmm...alcohol mixed with the sweet sweet tears of a stranger.

La Pistola 10,071 9
01/26/2005 11:57 PM

Daggy, we're going to have so much fun in hell together.

The Mofo! 10,950 10
01/26/2005 11:58 PM

It's okay... she's getting you to pay for bottled liver cancer, so the score is somewhat even if you think about it.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/27/2005 12:11 AM

I heard that there's a woman going to be on Larry King Live sometime within the next couple days who got married in Thailand, and the next day lost her new husband, her son and her mother.





That's got to suck.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/27/2005 12:11 AM

...in the tsunami. Just in case that whasn't clear.

Daggy 86,705 14
01/27/2005 12:12 AM

See, since I typed 'the bad is mine', that Michael Jackson song, 'The girl is mine' popped into my head.



So for the last 10 minutes I've been pottering around the house singing ...



'The bad is mine, the doggone bad is mine'.





I CAN MAKE SONGS OUT OF CRAP!!!

Nerd, Comma. 27,000 12
01/27/2005 12:15 AM

Jared from Subway is still fat.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
01/27/2005 12:36 AM

One of my assistants lost in mother in a car accident two years ago. Once a month, without fail, in lieu of a witty retort, I say, "Your mother".



Him: "Hey, who forgot to lock the safe?"



Me: "Your mother."



Him: Runs to bathroom and cries.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
01/27/2005 12:41 AM

One of my salepeople had cancer, and now has a glass eye. I've lost count of how many times I've left the salesfloor and told him to "Keep an eye on things". Damn, he hates that. He happens to be dating one of the girls who work for me - She's actually a pretty decent catch, for a one-eyed guy. Anyway, one day a couple of guys were obviously hitting on her, and you could see he was pissed. So I go over to him, and say, "since you're working you can't go over there and make a scene, but I just saw her give those guys her number. I heard her say 'Yeah, you guys are cute, and you've got all both your eyes'" and he starts screaming "Frost you! Frost you!", in the middle of a busy store. I was a little pissed that customers walked out, but damn, his reaction was priceless.

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
01/27/2005 12:43 AM

I need to get better at proofreading.

superkat 114 9
01/27/2005 02:06 AM

Haha, Zaphod, your story reminded me of one of my own. The day my grandma died I went over to her house because the rest of my family was there. My uncle came out the door and said something (it might be funnier if I could remember what, but this was almost a year ago) and I replied with "Your mom."



I'm not sure if he heard me or not.



So, Daggy. a little watter never hurt anyone, right? last time I checked, a tsunami was a lot of water. I'd say you're clear. But nobody in my family has ever drowned.

Dead Battery, the guy with no Mahas 2,533 9
01/27/2005 02:23 AM

and her mother.

Some people have all the luck...

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
01/27/2005 11:24 AM

One time I took a photo negative of my daughter in her christening gown to get made into prints to the local CVS. When the clerk took the negative she held it up to the light to see what the picture was and, unable to really make it out, asked me if it was a picture of our dog. I pretended to be really offended and started chastising her, saying that just because my daughter has a cleft lip (she doesn't), she did not deserve to be called a dog. The expression on the clerk's face was hilarious but I had to hold in my laughter while I verbally bludgeoned her, causing my eyes to water and my voice to quaver which made me look like I was on the verge of crying. When I saw that it looked like the clerk was on the verge of crying too, I figured I had gone too far and told her I was only kidding.



The clerk then got really upset and started yelling at me, telling me that she had a niece with a cleft lip and that it was no laughing matter whatsoever. She told me about the painful medical procedures she had to go through, the teasing at school she had to endure and, after a few minutes of being pummeled by her vindictive oral abuse, I was reduced to blubbering my profuse apologies while holding back my own tears.



Then that buck-toothed, bug-eyed, beer-bellied bondage bitch told me that she was only kidding too.

newwave 45,912 10
01/27/2005 01:35 PM

THAT WAS MY MOTHER YOU INSENSITIVE ASS!

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
01/27/2005 01:57 PM

Yeah well, thank her for my full pee-tube.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
01/27/2005 02:05 PM

Yesterday I was out on work experience and went to an interview with a clincial psychologist. Did I mention she was a dwarf? Well she was, and I really hope I masked my intial shock at looking for her a little north of where she really was.



She works with children and as such has a little table and chairs in her office, and I nearly, nearly said 'oh look how cute a table for little people'. Thank Jeebus I occasionally THINK about what I say before I say it.

Hammerhead 59,399 14
01/27/2005 02:53 PM

Dead Battery, you need to change your Frost-ing name.

dropkick brody 43,090 12
01/27/2005 03:07 PM

Shakespeare, I just maha'd someone without realising it. I popped my maha cherry (and I didn't even feel it!)



To whomsover I maha'd, forgive me? And I'll clickie you for...a while (if I ever work out who you were).

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
01/28/2005 02:27 AM

It was me.

Dead Battery, the guy with a Maha 2,533 9
01/28/2005 05:24 AM

Dead Battery, you need to change your copulating name.

I give this name ten minutes. Who thinks it'll last that long?

Zaphod Beeblebrox 31,599 13
01/28/2005 05:33 AM

For the record, I've been logged in, staring at my two full pee tubes for the last twelve hours.

Frogpop 173,153 25
01/28/2005 05:36 AM

Good job?

jepreport - premature articulator 58,758 13
01/28/2005 10:05 AM

For the record, I've been logged in, staring at my two full pee tubes for the last twelve hours.



I'm with you, man. Kind of strange how personally fulfilling a full pee tube can be, isn't it.











And sad.

Neophyte 9,956 11
05/22/2006 11:37 AM

I wish there were some infinitesimal likelyhood of ever knowing what you mean.

Neophyte 9,956 11
05/22/2006 11:44 AM

.....in response to; "......'staring at my two full pee tubes for the last twelve hours."



"....'Kind of strange how personally fulfilling a full pee tube can be, isn't it.











And sad."

ThirstyMcSurly 4,444 12
05/22/2006 11:47 AM

on that note. I just peed in a gatorade bottle and left in the fridge for my roommate...

Sage of Seattle (Stupification Personified) 36,465 8
05/22/2006 04:22 PM

I worked at Shoreline Community College for a while, handing out parking permits and other essential duties. One day while it was raining pretty heavily, I was standing outside of the little booth (read: glass monkey cage) when this little old lady drove up and needed directions to a building on campus. As usual, I tried to keep the conversation light by saying dumb little phrases like, "it seems to be sprinkling out" when it's a Frost-ing monsoon downpour, or "here, take this slightly wet permit" when the ink is running down the paper due to the rain, and stuff like that.



So that day, my little permits were getting soaked and so I said to this old lady, "here's a damp pass for you," and cheerfully described the way to park and where it was she wanted to go.



She gave me the oddest look and it took me about ten minutes wondering why she looked at me that way, when I realised that, for all the world it sounded like I had said "Here's your damn pass" all the while smiling and being very friendly.



And for the record, I love rain too!

Le Straw 97,986 37
05/22/2006 04:27 PM

I would have thought it sounded like, "Here's a damp ass for you."

Sage of Seattle (Stupification Personified) 36,465 8
05/22/2006 04:28 PM

Nahh, Kittuns was nowhere near me at the time....

Whistler P. McManus 186,021 44
05/22/2006 08:21 PM

This morning I was talking on the phone to a representative of a company that has been failing in doing something they're supposed to be doing. The person was being less than helpful, and in fact, somewhat curt with me.



I said something to the effect of, "I'm going to end this call now, and I expect to hear back from you by 3:00 this afternoon with a resolution, or we'll be taking the rest of our business elsewhere." Then I hung up the phone and added, "Carroll."



My assistant whirled around in her chair and said, "I can't believe you just called him a Carroll! That was Bob Johnson awesome!" (A phrase she's picked up from me, not knowing whence it came or what it means).



I let her go on believing it until she started telling the story to the V.P.

Pubah 56,805 18
05/24/2006 02:46 PM

<action>Seen in a college Dorm Room</action>



"A closed mouth gathers no feet"

FamousMortimer 1,187 8
05/24/2006 02:55 PM

I was having a happy hour at my house with work friends. The whole department was there and I was calling another friend to come see the hot tail that I work with. He had some other Shakespeare to do so I yelled into the phone "You're a fag!!!". Everyone looked a little stunned and I did'nt quite get it. I turned around and my boss was standing there. D'oh.

















Did I mention that my boss is gay?

Chickens N Sweet Brown Rice 08 286,527 61
05/24/2006 02:56 PM

Daggy, is your real name Jo?